Monday, June 17, 2013

Another Layer of Sadness

I don't really want to write this post.  I know it probably sound melodramatic to say that and still write something...  but when things happen in my life that are critical moments, whether good or bad, I can't just gloss over them and pretend they didn't happen. 

I won't mince words and will get straight to the point.  Phil and I broke up over the weekend.  I'm sorry if some people close to me are reading about this for the first in this blog post, but news like this isn't the kind of thing you want to mass email/text out to friend and family.  Especially because right now I don't feel like talking about it or answering a lot of questions.  I just want to put it out there so people know and won't ask the 'so how are you and Phil doing?' question any longer.

I don't have it in me to write an eloquent, poetic post about the end of something that I was really excited about it.  Suffice it to say that between my cross-country move and other difficult things that we are both dealing with, the odds were stacked against us. I know distance can make the heart grow fonder, but it can also make the heart grow distant.  And ultimately being 1,000 miles apart and not knowing when/if you will live in the same city again was just too much for our relationship.  I've been clinging to the sense of normalcy that this relationship represented in the sea of change that has been my life this year, trying to keep this relationship alive, but it got to the point where I had to accept that I was holding onto the ghost of something that no longer existed in its previous form.  There were no unkind words spoken and no anger at the conclusion of our relationship, there was just an acknowledgement that what we have couldn't withstand living so far apart. 

All of this just feels like I am peeling back another layer of sadness in the onion of life.  While I realize that I have much to be thankful for and life could be so much worse, I am hoping this is the last disappointment I'll have to face for awhile because I have kind of had it with facing challenges lately.  Add in the fact that I'll weather this break-up in an area where I am lacking in the friend department, and the fact that I can't use my drug of choice, running, since I'm still recovering from my stress fracture, and well, it's just makes it all a little bit more difficult.

But I just keep telling myself that this, too, shall pass.  And I know it will. I'm going to try to stay as busy as possible to keep the sadness and tears (mostly) at bay.  And for now, I'm reflecting on this passage from Mary Anne Radmacher's book, Lean Forward into Your Life.

Growth and maturity exist largely in knowing when it is time to walk. Knowing when to leave.  There is a peculiar grace in knowing when it is time to say good-bye to a thing, a person, a system, a construct, a belief.

I often hear people speak of relationships at their conclusion as "failed."  Simply because a thing does not last until its anticipated conclusion, that does not make it a failure.  If a flower is crushed while still in bloom, it is not a failed flower. When a younger life is slashed off the planet by a knife or bullet, it doesn't mean that that life failed in its presence on the planet.  It is indeed a loss to those who remain, but it is not failure.  A relationship must be allowed its cycle and time.  Not all comings together are forever even though we bind them to that in our societal vocabulary.  The human being whose life is now lived far from my life and whose name is not a part of my name has his own story. And his parting was less a failure than a learning.

This will be a one post kind of week for me as I just don't feel like writing right now.  Luckily I have a business trip to Houston this week and a fun weekend trip to visit John and his family in Raleigh which will help on the keeping busy/distracted front.

29 comments:

Stephany said...

Oh, my friend. I am so sad for you. I had a lump in my throat as I read this, because I know it had to be such a difficult decision and god, 2013 hasn't been the best year for you, has it? I don't really have any other words to say, other than I'm sorry and I'm sending you lots of hugs and love. <3

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

Lisa, I just feel sad for you and all that you have had to deal with this year. I think you made the right decision, but that doesn't make it any better or easier. Just remember I love you and so do many, many others :) If only we all could teleport to Charlotte you would see :)

Kyria @ Travel Spot said...

I am really sorry to hear this. I know there is nothing really that I can say, but just know that I'm thinking of you and giving you a virtual hug from 3000 miles away.

abbi said...

Sorry to hear this. Know you have plenty of virtual friends as an outlet!

Marlys said...

When one's child is bleeding, so do their parents! We are here for you when you do feel like talking more about it. Right now the pain is too fresh and we will give you time to heal. Know you are loved!

Leigh said...

Sending you a big hug today!

Nastase said...

I am sending a heavy heart and a long hug in your direction, Lisa. I'm having a hard time finding the right words of comfort at this time. But know that I love you, and am here for you. When you feel like you need to talk about it -- I am here with an open heart.

We're going to be in the same state this week! Too bad Texas is so damn huge.... and your business travel days are insane. Hmmm.

I'm glad you're going to Raleigh this weekend! I think that's happening at the most perfect time to uplift your spirits. Keep busy, this too shall pass. I wish I could mend your broken heart! Love you! xoxo

Allison @ With Faith and Grace said...

Sending lots of love. And I can't wait to give you a big hug when I (hopefully) see you in August!

Nastase said...

Oh, just so you know -- this is Abby. Not Ryan. I'm apparently logged into his email account still....oops! Love you

missris said...

Oh honey. *hugs*

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...

(((((())))))

Carolina John said...

{{{hugs}}} that's never an easy conclusion to reach. Keep your chin high and we'll see you in a few days.

Barb Geier said...

Warm hugs sent your way. I hope you can feel it all the way to Charlotte from Minnesota!

Caroline said...

Lisa, I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how difficult the decision was, on top of everything else you've been dealing with. We are all here for you even though we are far away.. sending hugs.

Caroline said...

Lisa, I'm so sorry. I can only imagine how difficult the decision was, on top of everything else you've been dealing with. We are all here for you even though we are far away.. sending hugs.

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

I love that excerpt from Mary Anne Radmacher's book. It's so so so very true. And, if the Universe delivered to you a relationship with Phil in anticipation of the rocky road that you would soon meet, then in and of itself, that relationship served a valuable purpose. Not only did it give you hope that you could and would love again, but it also provided some stability during an otherwise torturous time. Thinking of you during this time of closure.

J and A said...

So sorry to hear this. :( Sending you hugs!

Future Cat Lady said...

thanks for sharing your truth.

you are far from alone: http://www.lifelessbullshit.com/speak-your-truth/

Nora said...

Big hugs, lots of love and here for you. <3

Becky said...

That poem is beautiful and I think so appropriate. I think this post was so well-written Lisa - and I know you're hurting and I know you don't really want to talk about it but thanks for sharing with us and know we're all here rooting for you. xoxoxo

Amber said...

Sending big hugs friend. Love that quote you shared. It's so true that we often look at these things as failures when really they aren't at all. This has been a hard year for you. I just hope one day you can look back on it and see there was a bigger reason for all the crap you're going through this year. Big, big, BIG hugs!

Redhead Running said...

Sending positive vibes your way Lisa, maybe some retail therapy is in order?

Jeanie said...

Oh, Lisa, I am so sorry. I'm not awfully surprised from our email conversations and knowing the challenges, but nonetheless, I'm still sorry. Know that you are being embraced by all your friends who understand -- And those hugs are huge!

(I started typing this yesterday and realized I didn't hit send. Ugh.)

Crystal said...

So sorry to hear this, Lisa. I can only imagine how difficult this and then compounded with all the other changes you have been going through only makes it that much harder. Hopefully these trips you have coming up will deflect some of the focus away from this situation and give you time to process everything. I hope you have a great time in Raleigh and we'll have to meet up sometime here in Charlotte...maybe find a suitable coffee place :)

Ren M. Lauren said...

Oh, that's crap. I'm sorry, Lisa. I wish I had more eloquent, uplifting things to say, but I've never had this experience before. Plus, sometimes words, no matter how supportive, struggle to hold their weight. Mostly, we just have to weather through the hardship and pull ourselves back up when we have the strength again.

San said...

Oh, Lisa, just know that I am here if you need/feel like talking or let me know if I can do anything else for you. This must be really hard and you surely had quite a bit to deal with already.
I am happy to hear though (through the comment you left on my blog) that you found a new friend who's really turning out to be wonderful. That is HUGE during this time of change and uncertainty.

Big hugs.

P.S. I love that last paragraph.

Linda said...

Oh Lisa. *hugs and hugs and hugs*
*hugs*

Jolene - EverydayFoodie said...

I am so sorry to hear this :-( I know that when you were together you seemed very happy. You've had to go through so much this year, and I really feel for you. I wish you all the best and hope everything works out for you as it should and that you find happiness. Hugs to you from the Saskatchewan prairies xo

melissa said...

Oh Lisa, I'm so sorry :( This year has been very unkind to you and it's so unfair because you're one of the nicest people I've come to know through blogging. It really pains me to see all these things happening to you. I can only continue to think of you and hope that things start to turn around for you soon. If you ever need anything, let me know!