I think Blogging is downright addictive. It's made me realize how much I LOVE writing. However, this blog is different than many others that I check since I am not anonymous.
So sometimes divulging what I am really thinking/feeling is tough. Putting it out there makes you pretty vulnerable. But that's sort of what Blogging is all about. It's about putting a voice to the thoughts you are having.
I experimented with this earlier this week with a post about 'the best days of your life'. After I wrote it and pushed the 'publish post' button, I felt really good about it. It was witty and honest, and a true reflection of what I was feeling at the time. But that next night, I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep. So my insomniac-self got up and deleted that post.
The gist of the post was this: what days are considered the best of your life? Reflecting back on the past 27 years of my life, I'd say my college days were the best so far. I was taking really interesting, challenging classes. I was surrounded by an awesome group of friends. I didn't know anything about having a mortgage or what it felt like to own a condo that is worth 20% less than it was when I bought it. My biggest worry was figuring who to ask to Anchor Ball.
These days, however, I've got much bigger worries on my mind. I'm finishing up an MBA program and trying to find a job with a salary that will offset my ridiculously high student loan balance. All signs are pointing to the fact that we are in a recession, so my graduation timing is far from ideal.
On top of that, I'll be turning 28 in a few months. I love the midwest, but I don't love what living in the midwest as a single, 28 year old means. I was at a wedding this summer where I was the oldest single girl (picture me w/ a bunch of 14 years olds during the bouquet toss...) As of this week, all of my closest friends are either engaged or married. I am extremely happy for them, but it's a weird feeling to be the last single girl. Add to that the fact that I am the only unmarried child in my family, and the oldest unmarried cousin on both sides of the family, with a younger sibling/cousins that are engaged/married, and well, you start to feel like your status makes you a candidate for the circus. I'm sort of feeling like the 'cheese stands alone' verse of 'The Farmer in the Dell' is my theme song right about now...
But really, when it comes down to it, I have so much to be thankful for. I am lucky to have a family that I LOVE spending time with. I have a great group of friends. I have a job right now, which is something to be thankful for during these challenging times. So in the grand scheme of things, I'm pretty darn lucky.
Bottom line, though, I am just hoping that when I am 60 or 80, I'm not still thinking that those college years were the best years of my life. So this either means believing that Mr. Right will come along. Or accepting the life God has mapped out for me - whether or not that includes a husband, 2.5 kids, and a white picket fence.
So that's where I am right now - working on the accepting part. I'm a bit of a control freak, so handing over the controls and embracing the passenger seat is challenging. I'm too young to give up on the dream of having a husband and a family of my own. I'm hopeful that someday, just as I laugh at the days of stressing out over anchor ball dates and college exams, I'll come back and read this post some day, and laugh that I stressed about this sort of thing. I'm also hoping that my fabulous husband will be sitting next me, lovingly teasing me about how much of a worry-wort I was...
So that's why I'm putting words to the thoughts/feelings I am having. Enjoy your weekends, everyone!
this entry could have been written by me. i know exactly what you are talking about..especially the last single girl thing. i have no good advice because i still haven't figured it out myself, but you aren't alone!!
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