Exhausted...

I visited my Grandpa this am. It has been a rough week. Heart attack. Tear in the femoral artery. Kidneys started to shut down at one point. Blood pooling in his abdomen. All I can say is he is one tough cookie. The doctors didn't think he'd make it, but he surprised them and came through it all.

All week I'd been hearing from various people that he was doing much better. So I guess I was expecting him to seem like his normal self. Which resulted in my being sort of caught off guard when I saw him this am. He hadn't really slept last night and I guess he hasn't slept very well the last few nights, and that takes its toll on a person. Very fast. My question is: why not give the poor man some sedatives? I am sure there is some medical reason for this.... The doctor hasn't been in to check on him for 3-4 days apparently. Which is odd to me considering the fact that he is in the critical care unit of the hospital...

Anyways, when I walked in, it was apparent that he was exhausted. I sat down and he started showing me his 'war wounds' from the week - much of his arms from his wrist to just above the elbow are black from all the blood that had been drawn. It looked painful, but he shrugged it off and said, "eh, I bruise easily." Did I mention he's a tough cookie?

Since he hadn't slept much, the nurses asked that we keep visits pretty short, so I only stayed for 45 min. My grandma & aunt Laurie from CA walked me to the elevators. My grandparents have been married for 60+ years so I can only imagine how hard this is on my Grandma. Especially since there's been no discussion of what happens next. Does he come home? Does he go to a nursing home? How long will he be in the hospital? My Grandma is handling all the uncertainty quite well, though. When I hugged my Grandpa good-bye, he said, "You know, I still have alot of projects left to do in this life." When we were walking to the elevator, my Grandma commented on how she didn't know how he'd ever get back to those projects considering his current condition.

I said good-bye to Grandma & Laurie at the elevators - I was doing so well and had gotten through the whole visit sans tears. Until the good-byes. I wanted to be strong & didn't want my Grandma to see how much this whole thing is upsetting me, but I couldn't keep the tears in. I couldn't get the words out very well, but in a squeaky voice I said, "You guys just mean so much to me." For the first time in my life, I saw my Grandma's eyes fill with tears and she said, "I know, Lisa." They gave me one last hug and I took the elevator down and hit the road again.

I watched both of my McDougall Grandparents pass away - it was a long, slow process. There were so many times my mom thought my Grandpa was passing away & then he'd pull through and make it another couple of months. So I know these things take time... He could bounce back and be good as new. Or this could be the beginning of the end. There is no way of knowing.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. I must have laid awake until at least 2 am. I laid there wondering if Grandpa was also lying awake in his hospital bed. All my usual tricks like breathing deeply or saying Our Father's and Hail Mary's weren't working. So this morning, I am just exhausted. I need to go to church in a bit. Then meet a classmate to work on a Derivatives assignment. And then write a paper. So there won't be any time for a nap today.

If I'm this tired, I can only imagine how exhausted Grandpa must feel...