Why...

The Saturday before Christmas, I sat on the Barrister’s couch while he made us a cappuccino – a tradition of ours. The song “Why” by Annie Lennox played on XM radio as he busied himself boiling the coffee and frothing the milk.

Truth be told, I had been struggling in the relationship for the past couple of weeks. As I sat there, the lyrics from this song resonated with me:

Why can’t you see this boat is sinking

Due to the Barrister’s work travel schedule, we had spent a lot of time apart in December. Friends and family had encouraged me and said, “Distance can make the heart grow fonder.” They told me stories of how time apart strengthened their relationship. They grew closer as a result. They grew stronger as a result. I clung to these words and hoped it would be the case as the Barrister would be traveling every week from December – mid-May.

But when we were apart, I felt so lonely. It was so hard on me when we were apart, but it didn’t seem to bother the Barrister – or if it did, he couldn’t find the words to tell me. On this cold December morning, as that sad Annie Lennox song played, tears filled my eyes and spilled over onto my cheeks and I cried in front of him for the first time and told him how hard it was for me when we were apart.

Let’s go down to the water’s edge
And we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out

This display of emotion prompted other conversations throughout the weekend. Conversations about what I wanted out of a relationship. Conversations about priorities and careers and family. Conversations that confirmed what I had began to fear over the past weeks – that we were not right for each other.

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I’ll never tread
These are the dreams I’ll dream instead
This is the joy that seldom spread
These are the tears…
The tears we shed
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head

I was filled with a sense of dread, but I knew what I needed to do. I cared very deeply for the Barrister, but we have different relationship needs/expectations. I really wanted him to be the one, but I knew I deserved more. So on the Monday before Christmas, we parted ways. There is no “good time” for a break up, but the week of Christmas is a pretty craptastic time. However, I didn’t think it would be right to pretend everything is ok just because it was Christmas when I knew in my heart that we should not be together.

I don’t blame his travel schedule for the break up – I think it just put a magnifying glass to some flaws in our relationship.

I’m proud of myself for choosing to walk away – for putting my wants and needs first and recognizing that we were not right for each other, and that our differences were irreconcilable. In the short term, it would have been easier to stay with him as I did love spending time with him. In the long run, though, I would have been short changing myself.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks, but it gets better each day. While our relationship may seem brief to some people, I fell hard and I fell fast. I did not talk about him much on this blog but he was a very big part of my life for the last 3+ months.

I have no hard feelings towards the Barrister. We ended things before any feelings of anger or resentment had a chance to develop. I still care for him and wish our story would have ended differently.

Why is a question I have asked myself a lot over the past weeks.

Why do I keep getting my heart broke? Why do others seem to find their true love so easily and at such a young age while I continue to struggle through these break ups. Why does it have to hurt so much?

Tell me…
Why

But I just spin in circles when I ask questions like these. I am working on accepting the fact that I don't have all the answers.

But when I find myself feeling down, I pull up this quote found on this lovely blog.



And it gives me hope.

* Lyrics are from Why by Annie Lennox...