Do you know what that means? That means that I survived my year in Charlotte and it means that if I was to find a job opportunity, I can now resign with no financial ramifications. I think back on the weekend that I moved to Charlotte, the endless tears that ran down my face when Phil dropped me off at the airport, the I'm-crying-so-hard-I-can't-talk conversations with my mom and Phil, the awful feeling when it really hit me that I was actually going to have to live in a place I didn't want to live, and I almost feel all the anguish all over again.There were certainly times that I questioned how I'd get through the year in one piece, but 365 days later, I'm still standing.
Am I the same person I was a year ago? Absolutely not. I am sure that friends and family who spend a decent amount of time around me would say I am quieter and more reserved. I'm weary and less likely to laugh. I feel like I've been in a holding pattern for the last year of my life and I've lost my sense of permanence, which is bound to wear on a person.
My mind feels like it's always turning, obsessing over questions like: when will I move? Will my company enforce my non-compete? Will I get a relocation package? How will I handled the gap in health insurance (going without is no longer an option thanks to my $2,500/month RA drug)? Where will I live when I move? How much will the move cost me if I don't get a relocation package? Have I saved enough? Will I easily find a rheumatologist that I like? ... and the questions go on and on. And thinking through all these questions is exhausting. Not having answers to critical questions is difficult. Not knowing where I will be living 1 or 3 or 6 months from now is an awful feeling for a planner like me.
When I look back on the past year, I see it as a year of survival. A year of doing what I needed to do to make it through each week or month. I know there are people who can go through difficult things and thrive in those situations, but I can't say that was the case for me. I did not thrive in Charlotte. And I'll never look back on this year and be thankful that I was moved to Charlotte - of that I am certain. Yes, I've had great adventures, saw new places, visited familiar faces, but I'd give back all of those experiences to forgo the disruption of this move and be right back where I was in Minneapolis where I had built a life I loved.
While I am not the person I was before I found out about this move, I feel confident that I'll find her again. I don't know how long it will take, but with time, I'll get back to being that happy, confident, positive person. Living in a city I love, being surrounded by people who care about me, and being able to run will certainly help.
I have hit my year mark, but I am in Charlotte indefinitely until I can find a job back home. So while hitting this milestone was an accomplishment, I still have a ways to go and until I have a job offer in hand, I won't really feel a true sense of relief that I can put this all behind me. But I am hopeful that I will have a one-way ticket out of here in the near future. It scares me to have hope because it opens myself up to disappointment if things don't turn out the way I'd like, but I'm still holding onto hope.
It's been a tough year, and while it's changed me and left a mark that will be tough to reverse, I still think the words from John Mayer's song, Heart of Life, hold true.
Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good
You did it! You survived and hopefully the end is in sight! You can only go up from here!
ReplyDeleteYay! You made it. I've said it before but I really look forward to you being back in MN :)
ReplyDeleteYou survived! Congrats on that, and good luck in your job search. I know you'll find something as amazing as you deserve.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the year mark! I know that's a huge big deal for you. And a relief!
ReplyDeleteI think you have changed in another way that is a positive one. You have really grown up. You allude to it in being a survivor but the fact is, you have had to learn to make a new life in a new environment that isn't the one you love. That takes growing up. You've learned to work with people that you care about less than others you know. And work effectively. That is growing up. You've always seemed to travel comfortably on your own, but you have learned that to survive, you must explore and you have. Lisa, you are a survivor - but you are a grown up one, taking on life and hard knocks (including the medical ones) and coming out on top. It's not just surviving. It is letting yourself move forward and make the best. Would you have learned all these things about yourself had you stayed in Minnesota? Maybe. But maybe not. So embrace those -- and continue doing your best to get out of Dodge!
Congrats on making it through a year! I can't wait till you're back in MN and I am confident too that you're going to find yourself again. Keep plugging, thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI bet you're relieved the year is over and I bet you'll feel even more relieved when you get a job offer from one of the many places that would be lucky to have you. Thank YOU for sharing your journey with us, the good bits and the not-so-great bits. Always here for you and look forward to the day you can tell us all that you're getting the heck out of CLT!
ReplyDeleteIt's nice that the April 8 date has finally arrived but I know that there is still a lot of uncertainty in your future. My fingers and toes are crossed that is all cleared up within the next two weeks for you! So many hugs for you!
ReplyDeleteNorth Carolina is a right-to-work state, so non-complete clauses aren't worth the paper they are printed on here. Don't sweat that.
ReplyDeleteAnd congratulations on hitting the mark! Think of this as step 1 completed. Now step 2 is finding the next job/city, but that would be meaningless without step 1 being completed first.
and finally, remember that Asheville always needs financial advisers. Just throwing that out there.
You made it!!! I am so inspired by the bravery and courage you have showed this past year to make it through this terrible year that was riddled by SO MUCH horrible things. It's not only that you had to move to a city you didn't like - but you also had to deal with personal battles and medical crap. SO. Be proud of being a survivor and making it through this year. It took a lot of strength and guts to keep standing after all the hits you sustained.
ReplyDeleteAnd now? Let's get you the hell out of CLT. Fingers and toes are crossed that you'll find something new in your beloved Minneapolis very soon. <3
I'm pretty sure you've waited a painstaking 365 days (even longer!) to write this post. And, in some ways, I'm sure it feels like such a relief to write it. In other ways, it must be heartbreaking to be able to write this post without knowing your immediate future plans.
ReplyDeleteMy guess is WHEN you relocate to a city you love, and after some time to get back in the groove, we will see a happy, confident, positive Lisa again. BUT ... I don't think you'll ever be the same. I think this past year has changed you for the better. I think you're now more clear about what's important to you, what are the deal breakers in life, etc. Not to say you had no clue before, because that's far from the case, but I think your beliefs have been solidified beyond where they were a year ago.
Here's hoping you're "BACK" sooner rather than later. Cheering for your homecoming, whenever it is!
yay. to the future!
ReplyDeleteThe big year is over and it can only get better from here on out. Best of luck this week!
ReplyDeleteHere's hoping you'll be back home in no time :-) Best of luck on the job search!!
ReplyDeleteI hear ya sista :) But you're right, at least the one year mark has arrived and hopefully some answers to those questions, a new way out of there, and a restoration of that sense of self will return. The questions are incredibly exhausting, the striving is exhausting, the decisions are exhausting, but hopefully there will be a reprieve here soon. Much love to you.
ReplyDeleteI am so so happy this year is behind you. Now we move forward. My heart is with you, Lisa! You will find that woman who shined with positivity and joy again.
ReplyDeleteCongrats and most of all GOOD LUCK! I'm wishing the best for you on a quick and hopefully painless job search.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for a hopefully easy answer to one of your questions, couldn't you go on COBRA at work during the gap? I'm not sure how much your health insurance is or how much your company pays, but it has to be less than the full cost of your medicine? Of course, I think it's the obvious answer working in insurance, but maybe COBRA isn't nearly as clear otherwise?
The year is over and I'm glad you are still holding on to hope.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely been a tough and trying year for you, but you can only go onward and upward from here. I have a feeling good things are coming your way :)
ReplyDelete