Wednesday, October 16, 2019

A Week of Loss

I debated whether to write anything about the week we've had, but ultimately decided that it wasn't something I could pretend didn't happen or gloss over. I believe in vulnerability and sharing our real life in all its sorrow and joy, so here goes.

We had found out we were pregnant in mid-September - on Friday the 13th of all days. That following Monday, the house we are buying came on the market. In the span of 4 days we had found out we were expecting and found a house. It felt like everything was falling perfectly into place.

I've been feeling pretty awful for the last several weeks. Some days I slept for 11-12 hours total between night time sleep and naps. On the weekends, I napped when Paul napped and would still go to bed between 8-9pm. Phil was totally carrying the load around here - especially with the list of things our realtor wanted to do before listing our house. I was nauseated and so many foods turned me off (coffee, bananas, yogurt, anything sweet - so many things). I had no energy to do much outside of working and caring for Paul.

Our ultrasound was this past Monday. Phil and I went into the ultrasound room with such hubris. Phil had the front desk person and ultrasound tech cracking up with his dry wit. I was feeling awful and statistically, bad pregnancy symptoms are a really good sign for pregnancy so we had no reason to expect anything but good news. The ultrasound tech started the ultrasound and we said "oh phew, there is only one baby" as I had wondered if my intense nausea/exhaustion meant we were having twins. There was a long pause and the tech said she was just pausing on the baby to try to find the heartbeat but it was quickly apparent that there wasn't a heartbeat. I was 8 weeks 4 days on Monday and the baby measured 8 weeks so the miscarriage had recently happened and my body hadn't caught on yet. I don't know that I've ever experience such a 180 of emotions. We went from laughing/joking/feeling excited to Phil grabbing my hand and putting his head down next to me.

Phil and I are both extremely logical people so when the nurse practitioner and ultrasound tech assured us that the loss was not in our control and was most likely due to a chromosomal issue that wasn't compatible with life, we accepted that. I don't blame myself, although I do wonder if my age is a factor as the older you are, the greater your risk of miscarriage. But we can't control the fact that we are trying to grow a family in our late 30s and there are plenty of women who have had healthy pregnancies in their late 30s and early 40s. Wwe are trying to trust that it will all work out for us.

I had a D and C on Tuesday morning. My OB was able to do the procedure which was comforting as she has been through so much with us and is such a kind, caring physician. They will do genetic testing on the baby to see if there is a reason for the miscarriage. I think having that info will be helpful for Phil and I as we process this loss and move forward.

I share all of this because I will probably be quiet in the weeks to come. I only knew about our tiny, growing baby for about a month but the love for an unborn baby is so instant - at least for us. It's crazy how fast something tiny turns your life upside down - so much of my day to day life from September 13 to October 15 was impacted by the life growing inside of me. I'd already started to envision our life as a family of 4 next summer as the baby would have been born in mid-May.

As we've shared this news with family and friends, so many couples have told us about their own pregnancy losses and shared in our sorrow. We know we are not in the minority to be experiencing this loss. Time will heal this wound but this is something I'll always carry with me.

Paul is definitely such a huge blessing during this time of sadness. I have given him so many hugs and kisses and have said I love you with more fervor than I ever have before. My heart goes out to anyone who has experienced a loss like this without a beautiful child at home to hug. His light, love and laughter has eased our sadness.


And our dear kitty has stayed close by my side and has been very generous with her snuggles.


I know Phil and I are very lucky to have been able to conceive this child. It was harder this time around than with Paul but we know we are lucky to be able to conceive without medical intervention. This loss is real and sad but I'm trying to hold onto hope for a future that includes another baby.

17 comments:

Carolina John said...

I'm so sorry for your loss and will be praying for you and Phil.

We never had a complete miscarriage as infertility was always the problem, but we did have a vanishing twin. Carrying twins for 10 weeks after in-vitro fertilization, you get really attached to both of them. But we only got one carried to term. It's not easy for anyone. Oh, and we also bought a new house while we still had both twins because we thought our current house was too small/dangerous for kids. Pregnant and moving is a tough combination!

Katie said...

I am so sorry Lisa- I have read your blog for a few months now, and really enjoy your blogging style (i.e. daily life blogs, the way old blogs used to be..). I will be praying for your family. I am sad with you.

Marlys said...

This is a pain only one can truly understand if one has gone through this loss. It truly is the death of a child. I, myself, lost two babies. I named them and think about them often and look forward to the day when I will meet them in paradise. Take time to heal and only time can do that. I truly feel your and Phil's loss and have prayed fervently for you these past days.
The only words one can say is that "I'm so sorry and I'm here for you."

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Amber said...

I am so sorry this happened to you guys. Thinking about you so much right now. It's just not fair that having a baby has to be such a tumultuous and difficult process. That is one thing about adulthood I was not expecting at all. Lots of hugs <3

Jeanie said...

Oh Lisa, this truly breaks my heart and you have my deepest sympathies. I learned from Molly the deep grief that comes from miscarriage (in their case, their first pregnancy). The fact that there are two healthy, lovely little boys who followed I hope you will find encouraging for you. I hope you will be able to name your child and hold onto the love as you heal. Biggest hugs.

Unknown said...

Oh I am so sorry for your loss Lisa - this is so sad, I hope you have the time and space to grieve your lost child and that the information from the tests helps xx

Stephany said...

Oh, Lisa. My heart is breaking for you and Phil. <3 I am so sorry for this loss and I hope you can find solace in what the tests show. Give Paul lots of kisses and hugs and take care of yourself over these next few weeks. Thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you are going through this! Sadly, I can relate, as our first pregnancy ended in a loss and subsequent D&C. I found out at an ultrasound at 10 weeks, and it pulled the rug out under my feet. Like you, I had felt very pregnant, and in fact, my symptoms were much more pronounced than during my other two (healthy) pregnancies! Statistics don't help much when it's your own baby that you are grieving. I had two babies after my loss, both at "advanced maternal age," so in retrospect our loss was just a coincidence, but man, it was so painful. Sharing our experiences helps end the silence that surrounds pregnancy loss. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.

Leigh said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Lisa. Sending you a big hug!

Emilie said...

I am so deeply sorry for your loss, Lisa. Sending you many prayers for healing and hope for the future.

The Many Thoughts of a Reader said...

<3

SarahL said...

I am very sorry to read this, and I am keeping your family in my thoughts. I appreciate you sharing and helping to normalize the occurrence of miscarriage. I had two miscarriages before my daughter was born, one was at 10 weeks and required a D&C. It is difficult to when things like this happen that are truly beyond your control, and sometimes you are grieving, as you said, for the idea of something, however briefly held. No matter the circumstances it is a difficult loss to process. I'm glad to hear the medical staff was so caring and supportive of you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a similar experience during my first pregnancy, and I was blindsided when the doctor told me there was no heartbeat. It was confusing and difficult to mourn a baby that I never met, and that experience made me more nervous during my subsequent pregnancies. I found it comforting to learn just how common miscarriage is; it put my loss in context rather than feeling like something was wrong with me. And, as I'm sure you know, women who miscarry frequently go on to carry healthy pregnancies to term.

San said...

Oh Lisa, I am so sorry to read this (I am just catching up as you can tell from my batch commenting)... this truly breaks my heart. I am so saddened to hear from yet another friend who has to go through this (it's more common than many people think, which does not make it any easier, of course). Many hugs!

Jolene - EverydayFoodie said...

Ohhh Lisa <3 This is such sad news to read, and I am so, so sorry that you and Phil have had this painful loss. This is something that is so important to talk about. I had no idea how common miscarriages were until I was in my 30s and so many of my friends had them. It's heartbreaking. I wish I could give you a giant hug right now. I am glad you and Phil can lean on each other, and that Paul is putting a smile on your face through this. I pray that you guys are okay dealing with all the emotions.

Thank you for sharing this, and being vulnerable. It's so hard to share heartbreak, but it lets others know they are not alone.

Thinking of you <3

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss.