Friday, December 13, 2013

A Year Ago

Happy Friday, everyone!  We made it through another week.  Woo hoo.  I fly to NYC today and fly home for Christmas a week from today so have lots of good things to pull me through the month of December.

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but it seems to bring out a sense of nostalgia.  We think back on holiday seasons from our childhood.  We keep traditions alive that we've established with our family and friends.  There is a sense of anticipation for the celebration of another holiday, but my feelings during this season are closely tied to Christmases past.

Lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about what was happening in my life a year ago.  And to be quite honest, looking back is apt to bring tears to my eyes.  And not happy tears.  I think about how a year ago I was living in a city I love, working for a boss I trusted. I had ample friends at work and people on my team that I trusted.  I loved the condo where I was living and had plenty of room to host friends and family.  I had been dating Phil for 2 months.  I was excited to celebrate our first Christmas together and we attended his Christmas party together a year ago tomorrow.  

Flash forward a year, and it's all changed.  I live in Charlotte now.  I work with a new team where I feel like an outsider.  I have this smaller apartment that I don't particularly like, in a complex that I am not pleased with due to things like the fact that I've had my door banged on by drunks at 3 in the morning or have had to file a noise complaint due to the ridiculous level of noise on weekend nights. 

I want to go back in time to the life I had a year ago.  I want to be at a place where I can say, for the most part, that I really love my life.  I'm approaching the one year anniversary of finding about my move to Charlotte and while some think I should be encouraged by the fact that over 8 months have passed since I moved here, all I feel is discouraged.  I know where I want to end up in 2014, but I don't see a path that will lead me there.  My head spins with details such as the expense of flying back for interviews, my non-compete clause and how that will impact my ability to negotiate a job offer, lease breaking fees, and how I will ensure I don't have a gap in insurance as going without insurance is no longer an option thanks to my $2,000/month RA drug. 

This is supposed to be the most happy time of the year, and I feel like most around me are so excited for the holiday season.  And don't get me wrong, I am excited to return home to celebrate Christmas with my family.  I just wish I could chase away these feels of sadness and stress that are hanging over me and won't seem to go away. 

I'm hoping that I can shove these feelings to the side and truly enjoy my trip home next week, but it's easier said than done.  I'm hoping that once I can start to actively look for jobs, I'll feel more in control and optimistic about the path my life will take in 2014.  But right now 2014 is so full of uncertainty.  And that is very hard for me. 

So this is where I am at right now.  I'm sad and sick of Charlotte and oh so ready for this chapter of my life to be behind me.  I know I posted a wish list last week but all I want for Christmas is a job back in the Midwest and a timeline for when I can return home, which is something that Santa, nor anyone else, can provide.  I'm trying to believe that it will all work out, but it's hard. 

But here's hoping that a year from now, I am preparing to celebrate Christmas back in the Midwest and can look back on this holiday season and say that my Charlotte experience is firmly in the past.

17 comments:

Nora said...

Hugs for you. This time of year can be so difficult for many, something that a lot of people don't realize. Will continue prayers for a job in the Midwest for you in 2014. xo

Marlys said...

I say prayers for you, too, and hope everything turns out for the best. I know it is hard but make the most of your excursions, although I know they don't make things change. I wish there was more I could say to help, but the words don't come. Just know that many are thinking about you and praying for all that is best for you!

Jeanie said...

You are nearing the end of your obligation. I send huge prayers -- I know how hard Christmas can be for lots of folks -- the season brings out our best and our saddest. But I also know you have determination, talent and a will to revamp. And that will get you far indeed. Sending hugs!

Carolina John said...

so if you're looking back, the choice was yours to move to Charlotte or get a different job. At the time, you came to NC. Now do you think it would have been better to find something else in Minneapolis?

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

That Charlotte, she's such a bitch! Who opened the door for her, anyway?!? ;)

I just had words with the Universe about laying off you for a bit and allowing you to fully immense yourself into the holidays with your family. Maybe you need to tell them in advance of your trip to put the kabosh on questions about Charlotte AND questions about any impending job search / move. That way, they aren't the ones inadvertently pushing you further into your head.

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

I'm with Nilsa- I've had many words with the universe about all the crap it has dumped on you this year, I'm sure you have too. I'm really hoping that 2014 is going to be totally different for you, in a very good way! I think all your friends and family would agree, we would happily give you your wish for Christmas if we could!

Amber @ A Little Pink in the Cornfields said...

Hugs, hugs, hugs. You made the responsible decision in going to NC and I pray that you reap the benefits. Does your old boss have any leads for you? I hope something comes up in a timely fashion for you.

Have a wonderful time in NYC!! Can't wait for your recaps!

J and A said...

Awe I'm sorry you feel like this. I hope Santa makes your wish come true and that 2014 is full of happiness for you!!

Amber said...

Ditto what Nora said, this time of year is hard for a lot of people for a variety of reasons and I think it's important for people to be conscious of that. I wish you could fast forward a year and be past all this but since that's not possible I will just keep crossing my fingers and toes that in a years time this will all be behind you!

Abby said...

And I pray that next year at this time you are making a post of "last year at this time"....looking back and sighing and feeling grateul that you are out of this situation.

The holidays are tough for many people. There's lots of expectations for happiness, expectations to match christmases past, and it reminds of strongly of nostalgic times. I have a really hard time during the holidays being away from family, so I cover up and compensate it by schedule us full...doing the things that make me happy (decorating, baking) - but there is definitely still a void in my heart.

Thinking of you, Lisa. Hope your weekend in NYC is restoring your soul!

Becky said...

Uncertainty is the worst - it leaves you feeling helpless and vulnerable and overall frustrated - I'm sorry you have to deal with that at all, much less throughout your time in Charlotte.

Here's hoping your trip is something you can savor and that plan start to fall into place for 2014. xoxo

Jolene - EverydayFoodie said...

I'm sorry that you want to go back to the life you were living a year ago :-(

Stephany said...

Uncertainty is such a hard feeling to deal with, because it really feels like your life is out of control. There's no set date to look forward to, nothing telling you anything WILL actually happen. You just have to hope it will. I am just sending so many prayers that 2014 will be a beautiful year for you, with a new job offer in a city you love. The amount of crap you've had to deal with this year is insane and you just deserve a break.

Leigh said...

I so wish that I could help make those things happen for you in 2014. My fingers are crossed that things work out soon for you! Sending you lots of hugs!

Redhead Running said...

Sending a big hug your way! Christmas is a hard time, especially when you're not in the place you'd hoped you'd be. (Physically and emotionally)

Nicole Winebrenner said...

It's one day post Christmas and I already have much of the same blues. I want to make plans for 2014 but my life continues to be a giant waiting game. I pray you and I can dig in and deal with whatever comes our way and have the patience to get where we want to be!
I know it's a virtue and all but I'm pretty much over it. :)

Kyria @ Travel Spot said...

This post makes me sad. The holidays (you are right) do bring back old memories, stresses and oh so many emotions! I am sorry that the idea of what is lost is adding to all of the already stressful things that happen this time of year.

One year ago...you were in San Francisco with me! Can you believe it's been that long already? I can't.

I hope in one year you will be able to look back and see how Charlotte helped you in some way. Fingers crossed!