I recently read "Text Me When You Get Home" which is all about the evolution of female friendships. It looks at the history of female friendships and examines why they weren't an area of focus for older generations. That examination rang true for me as I would say that my mom (hi, mom!) did not focus on female friendships - outside of her sisters. This comment is not a knock against my mom - I think it's common for women of her time. She was married in her early 20s, raised 5 kids, ran/still runs a business with my dad, and was very active in their church and the community. There wasn't a lot of time for her to develop friendships, nor did she really have a big pool of women to choose from since she lives in a rural area. That's not to say she didn't/doesn't have friends. I just wouldn't say they were an area of focus for her. My dad is her best friend. Her siblings and cousins were her best friends when she was growing up, and her siblings, especially her sisters, continue to be her best friends.
For me, female friendships are a very essential and life-giving part of my life. But that hasn't always been the case. Female friendships - or the lack thereof - have the potential bring pain or joy. I've experienced both ends of the spectrum.
In elementary/junior high/high school, I definitely resided on the painful end of the female friendship spectrum. I grew up in a very small community and as a result, the selection of girls to be friends with was very, very small. I mean, my graduating class had 28 people! Reading the "Mean Girls" chapter of "Text Me When You Get Home" brought back a lot of (painful) memories of how out of place I felt during my pre-collegiate school years. I had friends but the quality of the friendships was not great. I have a very vivid memory of playing Upwords with my grandma in her kitchen when I was probably in my tweens, explaining some of the challenges of my friendship with a girl I considered to be my best friend. After explaining what was going on, my grandma told me that it sounded like this girl was a "fair weather" friend and that I was worthy of a much more. The friendships I had in elementary/middle school/high school were all pretty much "fair weather" friends.
During those rough middle/high school years, a friendship with a cousin who is 11 months younger than me was my saving grace, as were friendships I developed through my high school boyfriend. My high school boyfriend lived about an hour away but it was like he lived in a whole other world because things like academic achievement and musical abilities were valued. At my high school, the only things that were truly valued among the student body was your athletic abilities or breaking the rules by smoking/drinking/partying on the weekend. At my boyfriend's school, it was refreshing to see that you could be valued for being athletic, but also for things like musical talent. In fact, some of their best athletes were also in band and/or show choir. And while I am sure some kids in his school smoke and drank, that was not the case with my boyfriend and his group of friends.
My parents witnessed some of the, well, cruelty, I experienced during my junior and high school years and my mom assured me that once I went to college, I'd meet life-long friends who would love me for who I am. Luckily, she was right (aren't moms always right? I can say that now that I'm a mom - ha!). I really blossomed during my college years and quickly met girls that I am still close to 15-20 years later. It was very reassuring to quickly discover that it was actually kind of "cool" to be smart and like academics. No one cared that I wasn't athletic - it was no longer a point of emphasis.
I think I've covered enough ground for one post - in my next post I'll talk about the importance of friendships and how the way I form friendships has changed with time.
Did you have a best friend(s) when you were young or did it take you awhile to find your tribe?
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growing up. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 7, 2019
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
32
Today, I turn 32. I'm celebrating with Phil by going out to my favorite BBQ place, Brasa, which means I'll cross something off my bucket list! I am looking forward to celebrating with the special guy in my life, and this birthday should far outweigh my lackluster, celebration-free birthday last year, which I spent in Charlotte at a sales conference.
I feel like birthdays are a time of year that make us account for the year behind us and anticipate the year ahead. I am proud of what I accomplished last year, like passing level II of the CFA and PR'ing at my marathon. I had some wonderful experiences, like trips to Chicago for a girls weekend, the Pacific NW for Amber's wedding, and St. Louis for Nora's wedding, and I extended work trips to Austin and California and got to spend time with some of my favorite people and see more of the country. I met a great new guy who has definitely brought me much happiness. So there are lots of great things to look back on.
What I struggle with is looking at the year ahead of me. I know I need to stay positive and I will get behind this move, but I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge the fact that there are going to be a lot of struggles ahead of me, and that the upcoming move is casting a bit of a shadow over the celebration of my birthday. I know that the year to come will probably hand me more struggles than years past. I am up to the challenge, of course, but instead of having a sense of excitement about the year to come, it sort of feels a bit daunting and scary.
For now, I am trying to focus on the fun things that the year ahead of me will hold. Things like my Chicago marathon trip in the fall with some of my favorite fellow runners, trips to explore areas around Charlotte like Asheville, Charleston, Savannah, and Raleigh, trips to cities like New York, Boston, and Pittsburgh to visit URL-turned-IRL friends, and hopefully having this dang CFA experience behind me for GOOD!
So I definitely have quite a few adventures ahead of and lots of exploring to do - both inward exploration as this move will undoubtedly teach me a lot about myself, and exploration of news placess.
I have to believe Sigmund Freud's quote which I am sharing below. I have to believe that, despite all the inevitable struggles ahead, 32 is going to be a beautiful year.
I feel like birthdays are a time of year that make us account for the year behind us and anticipate the year ahead. I am proud of what I accomplished last year, like passing level II of the CFA and PR'ing at my marathon. I had some wonderful experiences, like trips to Chicago for a girls weekend, the Pacific NW for Amber's wedding, and St. Louis for Nora's wedding, and I extended work trips to Austin and California and got to spend time with some of my favorite people and see more of the country. I met a great new guy who has definitely brought me much happiness. So there are lots of great things to look back on.
What I struggle with is looking at the year ahead of me. I know I need to stay positive and I will get behind this move, but I would be lying if I didn't acknowledge the fact that there are going to be a lot of struggles ahead of me, and that the upcoming move is casting a bit of a shadow over the celebration of my birthday. I know that the year to come will probably hand me more struggles than years past. I am up to the challenge, of course, but instead of having a sense of excitement about the year to come, it sort of feels a bit daunting and scary.
For now, I am trying to focus on the fun things that the year ahead of me will hold. Things like my Chicago marathon trip in the fall with some of my favorite fellow runners, trips to explore areas around Charlotte like Asheville, Charleston, Savannah, and Raleigh, trips to cities like New York, Boston, and Pittsburgh to visit URL-turned-IRL friends, and hopefully having this dang CFA experience behind me for GOOD!
So I definitely have quite a few adventures ahead of and lots of exploring to do - both inward exploration as this move will undoubtedly teach me a lot about myself, and exploration of news placess.
I have to believe Sigmund Freud's quote which I am sharing below. I have to believe that, despite all the inevitable struggles ahead, 32 is going to be a beautiful year.
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Wednesday, October 17, 2012
The Older I Get...
One thing I've found about traveling is that it tends to make me more introspective. You spend hours on a flight with no access to internet (I refuse to pay for WIFI) or your phone (which is actually quite glorious). I am often too tired to read, so often close my eyes and just think. Lately I've been thinking about how fast time flies. Some days, I have to remind myself how old I am. Yes, this is true. Then when I remember how old I am, I think to myself - "really? I am 31?" And no, I do not think 31 is 'old' - it's just older than I feel. The years have flown by and I still sometimes feel like a twenty-something.
But then I stop and think about all the things I've recognized and realized over the years, and I think that this whole growing older process is a wonderful thing. I would not reverse the clock back to my younger years because I would rather be at this age and retain the lessons I've learned, and the truths I've discovered. I see other twenty-somethings struggling through the sometimes tough and tumultuous times of their twenties (which, in my experience, no one really talked about) and I want to say to them - hold on, it gets SO much better.
Here is a hodge podge collection of some of the lessons I've learned, told from an "The Older I Get" frame of mind.
The Older I Get...
- the smarter and wiser my parents become. I was so dismissive of their advice at a younger age. Now I seek it out and value their perspective.
- the more I want to surround myself with people who challenge me to be a better person and hold qualities that I aspire to have, and the less I want to be around people who bring me down.
- the better I have gotten at dressing my body. Yes, this may seem shallow, but I personally think appearances do matter. I spent so much of my 20s lamenting over the fact that I did not have a small waist. Now I have found clothing that accentuates my assets, like my long, lean legs.
- the less I worry about what my future holds. I have learned to trust that things have a way of working themselves out. I've been through some really tough, gut wrenching situations in both my career and dating life, and I've come out a stronger, better person.
- the more I respect and appreciate the friends in my life that are very honest with me and love me enough to tell me the truth or tell me when they are worried about me and ask how they can help. I try to be that kind of friend back to them, which means sometimes I come off as blunt, but I'd rather be known for being an honest friend. Gone are the days of telling a friend what they want to hear. The truth, delivered with compassion, is so much more valuable.
- the more I realize that there is so much to discover and learn, and for me, the best way to learn more about the world and discover things about myself is to travel.
- it is ok to be a math-loving, number-adoring, booked-obsessed nerd. I'm never going to be the 'cool kid' and I'm more than ok with this because it's much better to be myself. My passions are what make me unique.
- the less I freak out about the fact that I may never get married. I would be lying if I said I wouldn't be disappointed if my future does not include a husband and children, but it would not be the end of the world. I know I would still live a full life and would flex my maternal muscle in relationships with my nephews, niece, and faux nephews and nieces. I think getting to this point was important as dating feels a lot different now. There is no sense of desperation or feeling of THIS HAS TO WORK. Instead, it's a process of discovering if the guy is right for me.
I'll close with a quote from the book "Lean Forward Into Your Life" by Mary Anne Radmacher:
But then I stop and think about all the things I've recognized and realized over the years, and I think that this whole growing older process is a wonderful thing. I would not reverse the clock back to my younger years because I would rather be at this age and retain the lessons I've learned, and the truths I've discovered. I see other twenty-somethings struggling through the sometimes tough and tumultuous times of their twenties (which, in my experience, no one really talked about) and I want to say to them - hold on, it gets SO much better.
Here is a hodge podge collection of some of the lessons I've learned, told from an "The Older I Get" frame of mind.
The Older I Get...
- the smarter and wiser my parents become. I was so dismissive of their advice at a younger age. Now I seek it out and value their perspective.
- the more I want to surround myself with people who challenge me to be a better person and hold qualities that I aspire to have, and the less I want to be around people who bring me down.
- the better I have gotten at dressing my body. Yes, this may seem shallow, but I personally think appearances do matter. I spent so much of my 20s lamenting over the fact that I did not have a small waist. Now I have found clothing that accentuates my assets, like my long, lean legs.
- the less I worry about what my future holds. I have learned to trust that things have a way of working themselves out. I've been through some really tough, gut wrenching situations in both my career and dating life, and I've come out a stronger, better person.
- the more I respect and appreciate the friends in my life that are very honest with me and love me enough to tell me the truth or tell me when they are worried about me and ask how they can help. I try to be that kind of friend back to them, which means sometimes I come off as blunt, but I'd rather be known for being an honest friend. Gone are the days of telling a friend what they want to hear. The truth, delivered with compassion, is so much more valuable.
- the more I realize that there is so much to discover and learn, and for me, the best way to learn more about the world and discover things about myself is to travel.
- it is ok to be a math-loving, number-adoring, booked-obsessed nerd. I'm never going to be the 'cool kid' and I'm more than ok with this because it's much better to be myself. My passions are what make me unique.
- the less I freak out about the fact that I may never get married. I would be lying if I said I wouldn't be disappointed if my future does not include a husband and children, but it would not be the end of the world. I know I would still live a full life and would flex my maternal muscle in relationships with my nephews, niece, and faux nephews and nieces. I think getting to this point was important as dating feels a lot different now. There is no sense of desperation or feeling of THIS HAS TO WORK. Instead, it's a process of discovering if the guy is right for me.
I'll close with a quote from the book "Lean Forward Into Your Life" by Mary Anne Radmacher:
"Gentle soul, understand the longing of your life has already been answered. Each day is a gift to be unwrapped. It falls to your grace, your maturity, to understand the nature of the gift once it is opened."
What are some of the lessons you've learned as you've gotten older?
I flew in Charlotte last night and am here until Friday. This is my last trip until the week of the election! Hip hip hooray!! Have a great rest of the week everyone - I'll see you all on the other side of 26.2!!!
I flew in Charlotte last night and am here until Friday. This is my last trip until the week of the election! Hip hip hooray!! Have a great rest of the week everyone - I'll see you all on the other side of 26.2!!!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
I Know This Much is True
I thought I'd mix things up a bit and talk about something besides running for a change! Here are some of the thoughts that have crossed my mind, lately, in bullet point form...
I know...
- Icould not would not want to sustain a relationship or be a parent and travel as much as I have lately for work. I am ok with it now since I am single and childless, but I so could not do this if I had a spouse or children. It's been good for my career and has pushed me to grow in my position, but it's really hard to be gone every week for 6 weeks in a row, to different cities in different parts of the country. I know people have this kind of schedule and have a family but I just don't see that happening for myself.
- we all have 24 hours in the day, and 365 (or 366) days in our year. To me, that means we should stop saying, "I don't have time to do X" and instead say "I don't choose to spend my time doing X." I try to be mindful of this when speaking to others.
- where I am right now in my life is exactly where I am supposed to be, but I don't know that it's where I will be long term as things like dreams about moving to Chicago make me wonder if a move is in my future (not anytime remotely soon).
- it is far too soon to be having bad dreams about failing Level 3 of the CFA. The test is in June for cripes sake.
- I will do everything in my power to pass Level 3 so that I can fully have control of my life and schedule once again - and never have to experience an "I didn't pass" nightmare again.
- I will run marathons for the forseeable future, and plan to run Chicago in 2013, and Paris and Twin Cities in 2014.
- joining my running club was the best fitness-related decision I have ever made. I don't know what I would do without the coaches and the friends I've made in the group!
- at this point, I could not fathom moving back out to the suburbs. To each their own - I know the city is not for everyone. But at this point, it is for me!
Ok, your turn, finish the sentence, "I know..."
I leave for Philadelphia today, come back Friday, and go straight from the airport to my aunt & uncle's for a final round of Julia Child Night recipe testing! I am glad I have something very exciting to look forward to upon my return! I can't tell you how excited I am to see my "St. Paul parents" and eat a delicious, gourmet, home cooked meal!! I hope everyone has a great rest of the week!
I know...
- I
- we all have 24 hours in the day, and 365 (or 366) days in our year. To me, that means we should stop saying, "I don't have time to do X" and instead say "I don't choose to spend my time doing X." I try to be mindful of this when speaking to others.
- where I am right now in my life is exactly where I am supposed to be, but I don't know that it's where I will be long term as things like dreams about moving to Chicago make me wonder if a move is in my future (not anytime remotely soon).
- it is far too soon to be having bad dreams about failing Level 3 of the CFA. The test is in June for cripes sake.
- I will do everything in my power to pass Level 3 so that I can fully have control of my life and schedule once again - and never have to experience an "I didn't pass" nightmare again.
- I will run marathons for the forseeable future, and plan to run Chicago in 2013, and Paris and Twin Cities in 2014.
- joining my running club was the best fitness-related decision I have ever made. I don't know what I would do without the coaches and the friends I've made in the group!
- at this point, I could not fathom moving back out to the suburbs. To each their own - I know the city is not for everyone. But at this point, it is for me!
Ok, your turn, finish the sentence, "I know..."
I leave for Philadelphia today, come back Friday, and go straight from the airport to my aunt & uncle's for a final round of Julia Child Night recipe testing! I am glad I have something very exciting to look forward to upon my return! I can't tell you how excited I am to see my "St. Paul parents" and eat a delicious, gourmet, home cooked meal!! I hope everyone has a great rest of the week!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Sorry I'm Not Sorry
This post has been brewing in my head for quite some time, in different formats and with different titles. But earlier this week, the lovely Amy of Coffee & Sunshine shared this post which struck a note with me and got my creative juices flowing. You should really go read the whole post, but her post is basically about getting excited about the life that you are living and not being ashamed or embarrassed of our passions.
I am going off on a bit of a tangent here, but after reading that post, I reflected back on conversations I've had with a couple of different people from different corners of my life. And the topic of those conversations has been that I feel like I no longer fall under the conventional definition of "fun."
What do I mean by this? Well, while I am certainly as single as they come, I am not living the stereotypical life of a "fabulous 30-something." I'm not closing down the bar. I don't go to dance clubs. I don't meet up with friends for cosmopolitans on a Tuesday night. Let's face it - most nights I am in bed by 9:30 and that includes Friday nights as I have to get a good night of sleep before my long runs on Saturdays.
The truth of the matter is -- I never have enjoyed going to bars, not even in college. I've never been good at staying up until last call. I mean, truth be told, I have actually been known to fall asleep at the bar on occasion (yes, seriously, there are photos to prove this)! I have never been, nor will ever be, the life of the party.
But I spent so much of my 20s apologizing for or being embarrassed or insecure about the fact that I wasn't good at staying out late or drinking more than 1-2 drinks in the span of an evening, and I let myself believe the lie I had been telling myself - and that lie was that I wasn't a fun person. Now that I am 31 and have a better sense of self and my priorities/interests, I've gotten to a point where, well, I'm not sorry that I don't enjoy those types of activities. Don't get me wrong - I do enjoy getting together with friends for cocktails and conversations, I would just prefer to be out between the hours of, say, 7-10, instead of 9-12.
I've redefined my definition of fun. Fun to me means getting together with girlfriends for wine at one of their houses, which might mean taking part in the bedtime rituals of their little ones (which are moments that I relish, as I know they are fleeting). Fun is getting together at 7 am on a Saturday morning for a double-digit long run around the lakes and rivers of Minneapolis in the company of my fellow run club members. Fun is a night in that includes a home-cooked dinner and tackling my next knitting project. Fun is sharing my passion for all things French by planning an over-the-top delicious menu for our next Julia Child night. Fun is getting giddily excited over my newest striped apparel purchase. Fun is losing myself in the pages of a book. Fun is browsing through books at Barnes & Noble with a pumpkin spice latte in hand. Fun is engaging in conversations with family members over memories of the past. Fun is playing countless games of Go Fish with my nephews (and suspiciously never winning). Fun is planning trips to see other bloggers, both near and far.
I will say, it took me the entire decade of my 20s to get to this place I am today - a place where I can embrace my passions and share them - be it a passion for numbers and bonds, or France, or the season of Advent, or macaroons, or white wine. But I am done saying I'm sorry or wishing I was different than I am. And yes, I still encounter situations or events that make me insecure about the fact that I am not 'the life of the party,' but for the most, I've learned to embrace that I am who I am.
So no, I am not living the stereotypical 30-something single life, but I think the life I am living is the right one for me. And better yet - I think it's fabulous.
I thought I would close with a short poem by one of my favorite authors, Mary Anne Radmacher, which sums up how I feel just perfectly:
I am going off on a bit of a tangent here, but after reading that post, I reflected back on conversations I've had with a couple of different people from different corners of my life. And the topic of those conversations has been that I feel like I no longer fall under the conventional definition of "fun."
What do I mean by this? Well, while I am certainly as single as they come, I am not living the stereotypical life of a "fabulous 30-something." I'm not closing down the bar. I don't go to dance clubs. I don't meet up with friends for cosmopolitans on a Tuesday night. Let's face it - most nights I am in bed by 9:30 and that includes Friday nights as I have to get a good night of sleep before my long runs on Saturdays.
The truth of the matter is -- I never have enjoyed going to bars, not even in college. I've never been good at staying up until last call. I mean, truth be told, I have actually been known to fall asleep at the bar on occasion (yes, seriously, there are photos to prove this)! I have never been, nor will ever be, the life of the party.
But I spent so much of my 20s apologizing for or being embarrassed or insecure about the fact that I wasn't good at staying out late or drinking more than 1-2 drinks in the span of an evening, and I let myself believe the lie I had been telling myself - and that lie was that I wasn't a fun person. Now that I am 31 and have a better sense of self and my priorities/interests, I've gotten to a point where, well, I'm not sorry that I don't enjoy those types of activities. Don't get me wrong - I do enjoy getting together with friends for cocktails and conversations, I would just prefer to be out between the hours of, say, 7-10, instead of 9-12.
I've redefined my definition of fun. Fun to me means getting together with girlfriends for wine at one of their houses, which might mean taking part in the bedtime rituals of their little ones (which are moments that I relish, as I know they are fleeting). Fun is getting together at 7 am on a Saturday morning for a double-digit long run around the lakes and rivers of Minneapolis in the company of my fellow run club members. Fun is a night in that includes a home-cooked dinner and tackling my next knitting project. Fun is sharing my passion for all things French by planning an over-the-top delicious menu for our next Julia Child night. Fun is getting giddily excited over my newest striped apparel purchase. Fun is losing myself in the pages of a book. Fun is browsing through books at Barnes & Noble with a pumpkin spice latte in hand. Fun is engaging in conversations with family members over memories of the past. Fun is playing countless games of Go Fish with my nephews (and suspiciously never winning). Fun is planning trips to see other bloggers, both near and far.
I will say, it took me the entire decade of my 20s to get to this place I am today - a place where I can embrace my passions and share them - be it a passion for numbers and bonds, or France, or the season of Advent, or macaroons, or white wine. But I am done saying I'm sorry or wishing I was different than I am. And yes, I still encounter situations or events that make me insecure about the fact that I am not 'the life of the party,' but for the most, I've learned to embrace that I am who I am.
So no, I am not living the stereotypical 30-something single life, but I think the life I am living is the right one for me. And better yet - I think it's fabulous.
I thought I would close with a short poem by one of my favorite authors, Mary Anne Radmacher, which sums up how I feel just perfectly:
with passion live
with attentiveness love
with courage imagine
with integrity communicate
with perspective play
in all things and in all your ways
build your legacy with joy.
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