Thursday, September 9, 2010

Half of My Heart

Warning: bit of a heavier post to follow...

Let me just start off by saying that I sort of can't stand John Mayer. I was a little bit totally in love with him when he released his first CD. The song, "Why Georgia" totally transports me back to my senior year of college! However, the more successful he becomes, the less I like him. I think he's sort of the ultimate tool, actually.

That said - I do begrudgingly like his song, "Half of My Heart". Last month I watched the music video on the VH1 Top 20 Countdown... and was sort of intrigued. Have you seen it? If not, here it is...

So what is your interpretation? Did the bride call the wedding off? That is my assumption since we never see the bride, but I am not quite sure. Did the bride have a relationship with John Mayer? He pulls out that slip of paper with "Can't stop loving you" at the end - did he receive that from the bride?

Dang you, John Mayer, for intriguing me with your music video.

Switching gears, this video sparked a memory of a dream I had probably 5 years ago. It is a haunting dream... I dreamed that it was my wedding day, but everything was so last minute. I mean, I was selecting the music for the ceremony on the morning of the wedding!!! I am a bit of a planner so that is so out of character for me... The rest of the dream details are very blurry - with the exception of the end of the dream. I was standing outside of the church, alone, in my wedding dress. I knew in my heart that I couldn't go through with it, but I could see that the church was full of my closest family and friends. So I just kept walking back and forth along the sidewalk in front of the church, trying to find the courage to call the wedding off.

Worst. Feeling. Ever.

But is that feeling worse than actually going through with it and marrying a man that I know isn't the right one for me? No, that would be much worse.

It's sort of bizarre that I had this dream. I am not a commitment-phobe. I am not afraid of marriage. My parents, grandparents, and siblings have provided excellent examples of how wonderful marriage really is. I look forward to getting married some day.

But I tell you what - the feeling of dread/panic that I experienced in that dream? I guess I sort of keep that in the back of my mind when I am dating someone. What does this mean? While I do enjoy getting caught up in the excitement of falling in love, I try not to be blinded by love. I try to take a step back and ask myself,

"Could I marry this person?"

"Is this how my future husband should talk to me or treat me?"

Stepping back and asking myself these questions is what resulted in the end of my relationship with The Deux a couple of years ago. On paper, we had so much in common. He fit in well with my family. He loved going to my parents' cabin as much as I did. We had 80% of what it takes to have a successful, fulfilling relationship. But that other 20% that wasn't there would have made for a very unhappy marriage.

We are both good people, we just aren't good for each other.

It was scary when I ended that relationship. But what was scarier was the fact that, had he asked me to marry him eventually, I would have been that bride planning her wedding, doubting that he was the right person.

This spring, I had another dream about getting married*. This one was a happy one, though. I was walking down the aisle with my dad, towards my husband-to-be. I don't remember much else from the dream, except for one thing - the feeling of complete certainty, rightness, and excitement that I felt as I approached my groom.

I don't know if marriage is God's plan for me - I guess I will have to wait an see. But that feeling of certainty? That is what I look forward to.

Am I the only one who has had a heavy dream about marriage? Have you had a similar dream? Or are your dreams the "happily ever after" type? And don't forget to comment on your interpretation of the John Mayer video!!

* These are the only 2 dreams I can remember having about weddings... It's not like it's a recurring dream by any means... I thought I should clarify that, lest you think I am some wedding-obsessed psycho...


Nora said...

I'm at work so I can't watch the John Mayer video but I have to say, I really do like him. Hope we can still be friends ;)

As for the marriage dreams? I have them. A few times in the last five years I've had a dream I'm dancing with my husband. He's taller than me, that much I know but otherwise his face is a blur. It's kind of creepy actually. Only once have I seen his face but I think it was a fluke since the dude was a guy I went on one date with. Lately I've had dreams involving an RPattz look alike, but I know it's not THE Rpattz. So I figure it's someone that maybe one day I'll meet. Here's hoping anyway...

(and my dreams? I won't even go there. They are usually very weird and crazy.)

Megan said...

I don't want to leave you a page long post but I do want to say that I COMPLETELY understand. I have recently found myself in sorta the same place. Sometimes it's nice knowing you aren't the only one feeling something :) Too bad you aren't closer to D.C.! We could have a 'single ladies rule' night :)

Unknown said...

I have good and weird dreams about my wedding. I think I'm mostly conflicted.on who I want to be there, if it will be big or small and that I would feel guilty not inviting everyone I've ever met. Now I don't have the dreams where I don't know who is at the end of the aisle but I do have worries of being a good wife and catch myself looking at where I am right now and thinking alright how do I plan for that now instead of letting things take their course.

Erin said...

I don't think I've EVER had a wedding dream! But I can tell you this - you CANNOT compromise on the things you want from a husband...because once the fun dating/newlywed stage is over your faults and weaknesses will become more and more apparent to each other. If you choose a good guy, you'll never regret it! Just keep in mind when you're dating that the guy you're seeing is his "best" self - the one trying to make a good impression...if he's ALREADY a love-lazy jerk, he's not going to get any better!

And I knew when I met my husband I would marry him. It was so easy to visulaize his face at the end of the aisle on our wedding day & I'd never felt that way with any previous boyfriends :)

Jess said...

Totally agree...he is a tool. I like some of his stuff, but really just want to smack him in the head while he's singing.


When I met my husband, I KNEW I wanted to be with him. There was never, for a single second, a doubt in my mind that I wanted to be married to him. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else.
My point is that you should want that person more than anyone. My sister had doubts about her first husband, but married him anyway. Three years later they divorced. She just married again, and she's crazy about him, and he about her. I think they're going to make it because there were no doubts, at all. Marriage is hard enough without a lack of excitement over the other person.

Kyla Roma said...

I'm with you, in my mind marrying the wrong person is definitely worse than being outside of the church... at least outside the church you can just run! :)

I haven't had any wedding dreams, but I have lots of baby dreams which is a whole other issue entirely! lol

Emily Jane said...

Sorry but I refuse to watch the video because I can't STAND John Mayer lol!! :)

I have definitely had similar dreams MANY times... that it is the day of my wedding and I have the wrong dress and have to use garbage bags, or it's the wedding in an hour and I have awful hair and no brush or makeup on, all sorts of things about never being ready and the wedding is RIGHT NOW. I've heard it's a really common dream and doesn't really have anything to do with fear of commitment :)

"It was scary when I ended that relationship. But what was scarier was the fact that, had he asked me to marry him eventually, I would have been that bride planning her wedding, doubting that he was the right person."

My goodness, I totally hear you on the scariness of this situation. I was engaged before (to the awful guy I've written briefly about) and I can't imagine how terrible life would be had I actually ended up marrying him.

Abby said...

Marrying the wrong person is absolutely worse than anything else. I think our society sometimes gets in the mode of not realizing the absolute seriousness of matrimony.

That is really interesting about your dreams. But, I wouldn't take it as a sign that marriage isn't your calling. Dreams are presented in our mind in skewed ways at time - and we can't take them literally. It could be a dream describing your yearning to someday have a family, and your desire to have a happy marriage.

I know this area of your life is a difficult one for you. But, try your hardest to be happy that you have your life together, your character built, and you haven't fallen down the wrong path.

Sending hugs your way. I like John Mayer, but I think he's become kind of a jerk.

Leigh said...

I definitely agree with you on John Mayer...he just rubs me the wrong way for some reason.

I don't think that I ever had wedding related dreams before I was engaged. I had a few really weird ones a couple months before my wedding though.

I also agree that marrying the wrong person and always doubting your choice would suck.

Gracie said...

When I was little I used to ask adults, "How do you know who you're supposed to marry?" and the answer I got from happy couples was always, "You just know." They were right. During a long but unhealthy relationship I always explained my doubts away. I spent hours trying to pin my uneasy feelings on something I ate ("Maybe my blood sugar is low!") or external factors ("He just acted that way because he's under stress."). Not so. After I met my husband I knew almost immediately that we were meant for each other. I remember exactly when I thought, "And when we're married..." and jolted myself with a huh? Where did that thought come from?! But it felt perfectly right. The funny thing is that my husband has a similar story and it occurred on the very same day. I guess we were on the same page!
So - in my book, doubts are pretty much a bad thing. You shouldn't question this decision. You should just know. You'll know when it's your turn, too!
Also in my book - John Mayer IS a tool.

Amber said...

I don't really have an opinion about John Mayer (unlike most of your reader it seems) and surprisingly enough I've never, ever dreamed about my wedding. I've DAY-dreamed about it LOTS but never had a dream about it (that I remember!)

I definitely think marrying the wrong person would be a worse feeling then having to cancel a wedding (but both would be terrible). Having an unfulfilled marriage just wouldn't be worth it.

Lovely post, dear! I had to laugh out loud at your little disclaimer at the end ;-)

On a side note, I think the song is about the bride standing him up at the wedding!

Becky said...

I can't watch the video at work either but I agree, after his first album John Mayer turned into a d-bag.

I'm really intrigued by your dreams - I feel like they're definitely telling you something and I think it's GREAT you step back and ask yourself those questions when dating someone!

crystal said...

Your dreams are amazing by the way!! I interpret it to mean that you were in a place 5 years ago where you needed to focus on yourself. You were not ready to be married or to give part of yourself to matter what society (particularly upper Midwest society!!) says about getting married and starting a family right away! Now, you are ready. You are more comfortable with yourself and are ready to offer that to someone else. Awesome, awesome dreams!!!

Oh and the video is pretty cool, I think you have it interpreted right on. My only question is who was he? A groomsman? the singer? Im also with you on his depressing rise to fame. I LOVED Why Georgia, and everything else falls short, particularly recently :(

ps: do you keep a dream journal? I think its always hard to interpret their meaning at the time, but when I read back on mine and the progression or reoccurring themes, Im always amazed. It can be incredibly insightful!

Charbelle said...

I finally can read this, it's been blocked all day. I think John Mayer is a huge tool and it burns me up that I really do like that song. I can't watch the video at work, bummer!!
Did you dream search those dreams? I always do that. Usually your dreams are because of stuff going on in your life, at the time you had the dream were you dating one of those guys? You know how our intutuion can work through dreams? So perhaps there was something going on not right when you had the first dream and something very right in the second or maybe it was just a way of getting a message to you of how you're supposed to feel in dreams. Yes I can get kind of out there when it comes to this stuff I know.
It helps to get these thought out and to see what the rest of us think :)

Stephany said...

I've had a few posts about my wedding day and I always wake up in the best mood. I can never see the guy's face, but I just remember being SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY. Those are the best dreams ever. :)

I can't watch the video right now, either, since I'm at my internship. I never was a BIG fan of John's, and much less so now.

Lauren @ Sassy Molassy said...

I hadn't seen this music video so thanks for posting. Very interesting for sure! I kind of started disliking John Mayer after his first cd and hearing things about him that didn't seem so cool. I do like some of his songs from time to time now.

I don't think I've had a wedding dream, but the WORST thing would be knowing you have to call the wedding off, but not finding the strength to do it. GAH! Good for you for calling off a relationship that was only 80% right. And I do believe it is in Gods plan for you to be married. You'll find him.

myletterstoemily said...

well, i pray the happy dream comes
true for you and that a perfectly
wonderful man will love you just as
you deserve.

my son gets SO mad at john mayer's
'sell out.' it sort of makes me laugh,
because he feels that strongly about

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

Haha, I think I have similar thoughts about John Mayer- preferred him more back in the day.

Also, my only dreams about weddings involved planning nightmares mainly haha. When my best friend was getting married I had a dream that I couldn't get my bridesmaid dress on in time haha, AWESOME right?

Anyway, perhaps your first dream was the sign of what was to come with future relationships and then your next dream is what is NOW to come :) I totally agree about the importance of certainty. Before I was with Eric, I dated another guy very seriously and it was like you- we were great people both of us, and we would've been OKAY married but not the best. Back then I used to question the relationship a lot, part of that was the timing because we were in college long distance, but even still you shouldn't be questioning THAT much, because then you are not certain. (That is not to say I don't have my days where I'm like ERIC GRRRR should've married someone else haha, but not really!)

Jolene - EverydayFoodie said...

I have had those panicked, last minute wedding type dreams before too!

I think that the bride left her fiancée at the alter because she was in love with Mayor, but Mayor felt guilty about it because he wasn't going to stick with her.

Lisa-Marie said...

THe certainty is definitely what you should be aiming for!

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

I'm not a dreamer ... or I don't remember my dreams ... so, I'm a bad case study for the dream question. But, those questions you ask yourself as a result of that dream? Personally, I think those are the kinds of questions all women should be asking themselves when they find themselves in a serious relationship. Far too often, we see the train coming, but we refuse to get off the tracks (a saying I learned from our doula in class) ... it's important to gauge what everything means and whether there is long-term happiness in the future. Nothing wrong with that.

J said...

I agree - John Mayer was so much better before, although I do like some of his songs now. he has gotten so stuck up lately!!

I have lots of dreams - about work, wedding, life in general. I used to worry about marrying someone I didnt fit well with and I dated a guy for 4 years before I finally figured out that we were happy together but not meant to be together. I usually try not to read in to my dreams because usually they end up explaining themselves later on down the line of my life!

Erin said...

I am finally getting to catch up on all my blog reading---and I have so much I want to comment on with your posts :) I"ll start here.
First off--I'm a huge John Mayer fan---have been since he was a "nobody" and I met him at a very small "show" he had in my college town. LOVE HIS SONGS--and have continued to love them---but his behavior/comments/actions have started to bother me as his success has grown. Still--I am a fan of his work--so I hope that doesn't taint your opinion of what I say :)

I watched the video and I wasn't sure if I could interpret it either! It seemed to me like the bride was possiblly settling to marry someone who was "good"---but not someone she was totally in love with. And then she realized she couldn't go through with the wedding because half of her heart was still with John Mayer? I don't know.....

As for your feelings towards marriage--please just let me say--girl I know how you feel! I dated the same guy FOREVER--and was CERTAIN he was who I would spend my life with. And while I was crazy in love with him, there were so many *red flags* of things that weren't *right* with us. BUT---had he actually asked me to marry him (with a ring and all that jazz) I probably would have said yes. Let me tell you--I'm so glad I didn't--because now I am engaged to a WONDERFUL man who I know will create an awesome marriage with me. BUT---I never dreamed he would come into my life and I had pretty much given up on love last summer. I had accepted I'd rather be alone and content with my self---then with someone and not fully happy. I'm so glad I *waited* until the perfect guy for me came along. This doesn't mean our relationship is perfect---but we are perfect for each other. And I know we'll never be loving each other with only half of our hearts.

It's rough being single. Even on those days we're you're doing "ok" and feel like "I'm single, but powerful, and I don't need a man to make my life." You will meet someone someday---when you least expect it. I know it always sounds like such bull---because I would roll my eyes endlessly when people would say that to me--but you will have it happen for you someday as well--and then you'll know what I'm talking about :) Okay--I'm sure this comment is long enough!!!