Marriage and Negotiations

In my weekend recap last week, a couple of people commented on all the things Phil does around the house - namely the grocery shopping and cleaning. I think we are probably outliers on our division of labor. I don't know of many couples whose husbands clean and grocery shop. So how did we arrive at this division of labor? It was a process! 

Grocery shopping: prior to having children, I did all the meal planning, grocery shopping, and cooking. I didn't mind this, but I did get fatigued by the meal planning. For awhile I tried some meal delivery services like Hello Fresh but Phil wasn't thrilled with the meals and my gluten intolerance really limited our choices. So the first step in sharing the work of getting food on the table was having Phil help with meal planning. 

Then we had Paul in March of 2018. I kept doing the grocery shopping during my maternity leave, but as I approached my return to work, I knew I'd rather spend the 60-90 minutes I'd spend shopping at home with Paul. So initially, we tried outsourcing grocery shopping to Instacart. I was fine with the service but Phil didn't like it because I think you couldn't use coupons or take advantage of some sale items and sometimes he didn't like the produce they selected. He said he could do the grocery shopping "sometimes." My response was - you either need to do it every week or we use Instacart. He opted to take on grocery shopping. 

So now we come up with meal plans together, we both add items to our shared apple note grocery list, he grocery shops, and I make nearly all of the meals. Given his frugal nature, he's actually better suited to grocery shop as he pays more attention to prices and knows where it's more economical to buy various things. He gets as much as he can at Aldi, then goes to our big box grocery store, Cub, and sometimes stops at Target for a few things.

Flash forward to now and I kind of think he has the better end of the deal now that we have 2 kids. I actually think grocery shopping alone doesn't sound all that bad compared to my Saturday morning which includes taking the kids to the library and gymnastics, especially since gymnastics features manhandling a squirrelly toddler parent involvement. But when Will grows out of the toddler stage, our Saturday mornings might be about even in terms of how challenging/tiring they are. 

Cleaning: prior to having children, I cleaned the bathrooms and kitchen and he vacuumed and dusted. Before I lived with Phil, I had cleaners come every other week but I knew he wasn't on board with that expense when I moved in with him. Then in summer 2019 during our house hunting, we were having a really hard time finding a house he was willing to buy (he was even more picky than I was and we had been house hunting for almost 2 freaking years at that point) and he agreed to hire cleaners to kind of offset some of the tension around house hunting. During covid, as we approached my due date in fall 2020, we put our cleaning service on pause to limit the people coming in and out of our house and Phil and I shared cleaning duties. I figured we'd rehire them when I was vaccinated and returned to work. But Phil really liked not having the house cleaning expense. I felt the expense was worth it especially since they got our house cleaner than either of us could! I explained that I felt my time was worth more than what we paid for house cleaners, and our free time is so limited. I do not want to spend nap time scrubbing toilets or cleaning the stove. So since he felt so strongly about not re-hiring the cleaners, he agreed to take on the cleaning. 

It hasn't been a perfect solution because our house is not as clean as it was. We both tidy up the house and I do sometimes help with things, like cleaning the kitchen. He fits the cleaning in on quiet periods on Fridays when he works from home or while I'm out and about with the boys. It's working fine enough but I keep hoping he'll tire of cleaning and agree to re-hire cleaners. 

***

This negotiation approach might not work for many and it probably comes off as 'cut throat' since I've stood my ground on not being willing to do things we can outsource. And yes, he takes on things many husbands/fathers don't, but I still do plenty of things like scheduling doctor/dentist appointments, taking the kids to those appointments, washing our cloth diapers, keeping track of what clothes the boys have/what they need, and selling/donating things the boys grow out of. I'm also the primary contact for daycare and tend to stay home with the kids when they are sick since I have colleagues at work who can cover for me when I'm out. I think our division of labor is as close to even as we can get, especially now that we are out of the baby stage - close to even wasn't possible when I was pumping or nursing! 

I am fortunate to be married to a person who sees me and treats me as his equal. But that's what I was looking for in a partner. We are also very left-brained, logical, less-emotional people (in the Myers Briggs classification, we are both hard-core "thinkers," not "feelers") so our negotiations about division of labor has never been contentious or emotional. 

But the way to go about these kind of negotiations are so specific to the marriage and the personalities and interests of the couple so it's really a "you do you" kind of situation, but maybe it's helpful/interesting for others to see how we got to where we are at! 

5 Years of Lisa and Phil

Phil and I celebrate 5 years of marriage today! The days can be long when you have little kids, but the years are short. We packed a lot into the last 5 years! For those who are newer to my blog, Phil and I met in October 2012, then I found out I was being relocated to Charlotte in January of 2013, moved in April 2013, and then moved back to Minneapolis in May 2014 and we picked up where we left off.

Phil and I got engaged in December of 2016, married in May of 2017, got pregnant the next month, and had Paul in March of 2018 - just shy of 10 months into marriage. We were 36 when we got married so knew we'd need to have kids right away but were delightfully surprised that we were able to have our first child so soon after getting married. 

I have the most wonderful memories of our book-themed wedding. I am the least talented person when it comes to decor and craftiness. But my family, especially my sister-in-law, helped us pull together wedding decor that was so perfect for a book-loving couple. 

The parents of Phil's college friend gifted this to us. It resides on our fireplace mantel now.

 

Phil and I had lots of travel adventures while we were dating, so we were ready to embark on parenthood right away. We didn't get any international trips besides Mexico and Jamaica in before having kids, but we had both traveled pretty extensively during our 20s/30s. I'm forever grateful that I took all the trips I did - several of which I did on my own. There are families that will travel internationally with young kids, but it's not for us... So we are on a grand pause from big trips and that is totally ok with us. 

Newborn pics when Paul was about 10 days old

Phil hates this picture because it's kind of cheesy but I think it's cute! Paul was a couple months shy of 2 in this photo.

We have done some travel with our kids, though. We took Paul to the gulf coast of Florida in April 2019 and February 2020 (right before the start of the pandemic!). And this past February we took both boys to Tucson, AZ. We traveled with my parents on all of those occasions which we love to do!

We've also spent quite a bit of time at the lake. Paul isn't a fan of the water yet but I am hoping this changes with time. But he loves going kayaking.

Family kayaking - I was pregnant with Will at this time so we are all in this photo!

We have so few pictures of us as a family, but when your husband HATES posed photography, that is what happens. You learn to pick your battles when you are in a long term relationship. Forcing him to take photos is not a hill I am going to die on. 

Will's baptism

That is why it's really important to me to get professional photos done once a year. Those are often the only good pics of us as a family. Yes it's a total pain to get everyone looking presentable, but it's worth the time and money!

At our wedding, Phil gave the most amazing speech. It was funny and sweet and sentimental. He had people laughing and crying. Phil writes for his job so it was no surprise that he put together an awesome speech. At the end of the speech, he said that there will be good times and hard times ahead, but that we'd face them together as Lisa and Phil. And that has been true. We've had our share of hard times. Losing family members, a miscarriage, health challenges, the pandemic, etc. But we've leaned on each other through thick and thin. 

I wish my younger self who yearned for a partner for years could have had a peak at what was to come. I spent so much time worrying that I'd never find "my person." I watched a lot of friends get married and start families. I was thrilled for them but wondered when it would be my turn. 

But this life I've built with this wonderful man was worth the wait. Here's to many more years of wedded bliss!

Division of Labor

Hey hey! Happy Monday! This post has been brewing in my mind for awhile and then I heard an episode on this topic on The Girl Next Door podcast and it motivated me to actually write it!

Division of labor is something Phil and I have given a lot of thought to, especially since Paul was born. Or maybe it's more accurate to say it's something I've given a lot of thought to and have forced him to think about! Ha! A lot has changed since Paul was born, and that is a good thing. There is so much research out there about the uneven distribution of work in households. If that is ok with both partners, then the uneven distribution is fine. But if it's NOT ok, something needs to change or resentment will build - at least in my experience. Ha. But unless you talk about that resentment/frustration, nothing will change. It turns out your partner can't read your mind! Ha!

Here is how we split things, broken up by category. It's about as equitable as we can get, I think. I'm sure it will ebb and flow as our kids get older, but this system is working pretty well!

Kid related:
- Phil and I typically split drop-off and pick-up duties. When we were working in our offices, Phil did drop off and I did pick up. Now he honestly does way more of both because he goes into the office 3-4 days/week (it's very safe for him to do as he has his own office and very few people are coming in). When we both were working in the office, I got Paul ready every day as I would shower first and give him breakfast while I got ready for the day. Now Phil gets him ready nearly every morning.

- I schedule all doctor/dentist appointments, which is a lot since he sees a pediatrician, ENT, and urologist. I'm hoping we can drop the urologist appointments after his next check up when he turns 3. I tend to take him to most appointments but if I am busy at work, Phil will take him.

- We used to take turns doing bedtime, but in the summer Paul needs a bath every day. He comes home super sticky/sweaty from all the running around at daycare and he smells like sunscreen. So I do bath every night and then Phil does bedtime.

- Paul has a strong preference for mama, so sometimes that limits how much we can split duties. There are times when Paul will say, "no, mama do it," especially during mealtimes and while we could push back on that, it can result on him throwing a handful of food in frustration so we usually just give in and I help him... This will hopefully/probably change when the 2nd baby arrives.

- In general, though, I need to acknowledge that Phil is doing even more than usual right now because I have been so exhausted during this pregnancy and have had a number of flares. When I get flares, they tend to impact my hand joints so it really limits what I can do. And I also have been napping when Paul naps so Phil often gets him up from his nap and gets him his snack. 

- This will get a turned upside down again when baby #2 arrives. I'll be on maternity leave until mid-April so I will do all the night time wakes up since I can nap when baby naps. But once I'm back at work, if I'm not breast feeding we will split the night wake ups like we did with Paul.

Home/maintenance related:
- Phil mows the lawn, trims shrubs, etc. I actually don't even know how to turn on our lawn mower! But this is a task he enjoys doing. He also handles bigger projects like putting down mulch. In the winter, he does all the snow blowing and most of the shoveling. I will occasionally offer to shovel the sidewalks/steps to get a workout in but he does this 90% of the time.

- He handles all the other home maintenance stuff like scheduling the furnace tune-ups, replacing air filters, replacing light bulbs, etc.

Food/Meal related:
- This is the category that has changed the most since having Paul. I used to do the meal planning, grocery shopping and all the cooking. Now we sit down together mid-week to look at the ads for our local store and Aldi and discuss meals. I find meal planning to be fatiguing at times and while he was always happy with what I picked, having his input/suggestions really helps. Then we update the grocery list on our shared note on the iPhone and he does the grocery shopping on Saturday morning. I do nearly all of the cooking except he does the grilling and will make scrambled eggs when we have that for weekend brunch.

Laundry/cleaning related:
- Last August, Phil agreed to hire a house cleaning company and this has been a big game changer for me. We used to split the house cleaning but I hated doing it. We were gone 50+ hours/week between work and commuting and the last thing I wanted to do on my weekends when Paul was napping was clean. I realize that we are incredibly lucky to be able to hire this out, but it's been very good for our marriage/my happiness. Our cleaners come every other week and do an amazing job. They get the house cleaner than I ever could. They have a crew of 4+ people so are only here for about an hour. So I hide out in our upstairs office during that time. We do not do much cleaning in between to be honest. We'll wipe up counters and use our dust buster to vacuum up crumbs but that's about it.

- I usually start the loads of laundry, except we try to share the chore of starting Paul's diapers because that is the grossest job! Ha! We each fold our own clothes and I fold Paul's clothes.

Finances:
- Phil manages our finances. He keeps an eye on the cash balance in our checking account and will move money in if he knows of an upcoming expense, like a tax payment. He also takes care of all of the differently insurance policies.

- We have a quarterly financial review where we update the balances of all of our various investment accounts, etc, and talk about our investing plans. We are each responsible for managing our own 401k, IRA, etc.

If you have a partner, tell me about your division of labor! I always find others' approaches to this fascinating. Are there any pain points? For us, pain points are usually related to caring for Paul but we have tried to make that as equitable as possible. Now if he would let daddy do more, we'd be in an even better spot!

The End of a Decade

Stephany recently recapped the decade that is coming to a close on her blog. It was SO fun to read so I thought I'd do something similar. Life can change a lot in a year so it can REALLY change in 10 years! It was a real test of my memory to think back on themes from each year - but here it is!

In 2010 I left a job that was a terrible fit, ran a marathon, and met Amber (who is one my bestest friends) in real life for the first time!

As the decade began, I was working at a new company in a role I secured at the end of my MBA program through on-campus recruiting. The job ended up being a terrible fit and took a severe toll on my self-confidence. I left that job in late March and took a huge step back, career-wise, and returned to a company/role I held years before. In the second half of the year, I trained for and ran my 2nd marathon in Portland, OR. I ran this marathon with Amber! We had been friends through blogging for years so decided to meet up and run a marathon together. I flew into Vancouver, BC and we road tripped down to Portland, spending time in Vancouver and Seattle doing some sight-seeing. We were basically together 24/7 for 5 full days and had the best time. It was the beginning of one of my most treasured friendships! That fall I started dating someone but ended that relationship right before Christmas as I knew we were not the right fit.

Amber and I at the original Starbucks

In 2011 I started a new job, traveled to Paris to celebrate my 30th birthday and moved to downtown Minneapolis.

2010 was a rough year, career-wise, but things turned around in 2011. I changed jobs and worked for someone who would become my mentor and is now my colleague. I turned 30 and was a bit sad that I was welcoming a new decade of life without a husband and child in my life so I went to Paris by myself to celebrate the fact that I could go anywhere I wanted! It was an amazing trip and made me realize I needed to move out of my suburban condo and move downtown so I could have more of a pedestrian lifestyle. I took the level I CFA exam in June and moved into my new home in July. I joined a running club shortly after moving downtown. I met so many great people through that club and became a much faster runner. I also became an aunt for the 6th time but it was my first time having a niece! In October I met up with some blog friends to run a half marathon in Victoria. 2011 was a year of GOOD changes.

In 2012, I saw lots of blog friends, was a bridesmaid twice, ran my 3rd marathon, and met Phil.

I started off 2012 by traveling to Chicago for a blogger meet-up. Then I put my head down and studied for level II of the CFA exam. In July, I traveled to British Columbia for Amber's wedding and got to meet my blog friend Kelly for the first time IRL. I was a bridesmaid in Amber's wedding and had the best time in beautiful BC. That summer/fall I trained for and ran the Des Moines marathon. In October I traveled to St. Louis for Nora's wedding. I was a bridesmaid for that wedding as well and had the best time. Shortly before Nora's wedding, I got set up on a blind date with Phil. There was an instant connnection but little did we know we'd get married about 4.5 years from that first date!

At Phil's holiday party. We were babies!!

2013 was, in a word, rough. 

At the start of 2013, I found out my job was being moved to Charlotte. I had 2 weeks to decide if I would take the job or a (very small) severance package and 2 months to move. I was in the midst of studying for level III of the CFA so I did not have the bandwidth to look for a job and couldn't stomach taking the risk of not finding another job. So I begrudgingly moved to Charlotte. Phil and I broke up that summer. I didn't know how long I'd be in Charlotte and he was focused on helping his mom out while his dad battled Alzheimer's disease so it wasn't the right time to work on a long-distance relationship. His dad passed away in August. I dealt with stress fractures that spring/summer and a lot of weird joint pain and ultimately found out I had rheumatoid arthritis in August. I traveled to Paris over Thanksgiving because I needed something good in my life! I did a lot of traveling that year as I was desperate to see friends/get out of Charlotte. Besides Paris, I went to Asheville, DC, Pittsburgh, and NYC twice. And I traveled a lot for work. I passed level III of the CFA and was so relieved to never have to study for that test again. I survived 2013 and that's about all I can say about that year!

In Brooklyn with the Manhattan skyline behind me

Experiencing the Christmas season in NYC

In 2014, I moved back to Minneapolis and got back together with Phil.

The year started with me becoming an aunt for the 7th time, this time to a 2nd niece. I hosted Kyria in Charlotte in February and had fun showing her Asheville. I did a lot of networking and ended up accepting a job offer in Minneapolis in April. I resigned a week after my 1-year anniversary of moving to Charlotte. I knew the job I was taking was probably not ideal but it got me back home. My mom and I road tripped back to Minnesota in May, just after Mother's Day. Phil and I picked up right where we left off. It was like we were never apart. I helped him settle into the home he bought in February. In the fall, I travel to San Francisco for another running meet-up - this time for a Berkeley trail race. We didn't know it at the time, but it was the last time we'd all run a race together that decade as 4 out of 5 of us now have kids! Our friend Leigh was pregnant on that trip and, unbeknownst to us,  Lauren was newly pregnant but not far enough along to share the news. In December, Phil and I traveled to Jamaica with lots of Phil's college friend for our good friends' wedding.

In 2015, Oscar joined our family, I changed jobs, completed a triathlon and ran my 4th marathon.

Early in 2015, Phil and I went to Santa Barbara and had a blast! That summer we went to a friend's in-laws' farm to pick out a cat. We thought we were getting a boy so named the cat Oscar - only to find out "he" was a girl! In July, I changed jobs and joined my mentor/former boss. I had been in discussions with this firm for almost a year so was thrilled when they were able to hire me. I haven't perused a job site since moving over to this company as I am so happy here! In August, I completed my first triathlon. In September, I visited Amber in Kamloops and had the best time. In October I ran my 4th (and likely final) marathon! Blogger friend John came to do this race with me and I had fun showing him Minneapolis. I didn't break 4 hours like I hoped I would - but that's ok. October was a crazy month. Besides running a marathon, I traveled to Miami with the ladies in my family and went to Boston with Phil to visit friends. In November, we spent some time in Philadelphia before traveling to NJ for my friend Alli's wedding. I got to give a blessing during her Jewish wedding ceremony.

Post-marathon. I should have been excited but I was sad that I didn't break 4 hours.

In 2016, we traveled to Mexico, I moved in with Phil, had surgery on my hip, and we got engaged!!

We started off 2016 with a trip to the Cancun area of Mexico for my birthday. I had nagging hip pain and eventually discovered that I had a labral tear in my hip that required surgery. I moved in with Phil on a Friday and had surgery the following Monday! Talk about trial by fire! Kitty was an excellent nurse while I recovered. She barely left my side. That fall, Phil and I traveled to Bend, Oregon and a great time hiking and seeing the sights. The year ended on a very high note as we got engaged on December 9th!

In 2017 we got married, got pregnant, and went on a babymoon to Asheville.

2017 was a big year. We got married in May, went on a honeymoon to Maui (best vacation ever!), and got pregnant in June! We were expecting it to take a long time to get pregnant so we were both shocked when the pregnancy test I took in July was positive. The pregnancy ended up being very difficult as my RA was very active. My little sister came to visit me in September and we thoroughly enjoyed the one-on-one time together. In October, I felt well enough to go on a babymoon to Asheville, though, and we enjoyed our last kid-free vacation!

In 2018, we became parents to beautiful baby Paul.

2018 was all about adjusting to becoming new parents. I had a 20-week maternity leave and loved being home with our sweet baby. The return to work was rough and I questioned if I was meant to be a working parent. Paul was sick a lot, slept so poorly in the fall, and got tubes at 9 months. Paul and I got the stomach flu around Christmas so our first family Christmas was very quiet.

In 2019, I settled into life as a working mom, we took our first family vacation, and bought a home!

As the calendar turned to 2019, I found my groove as a working mom and knew I was not meant to be a stay at home mom. We celebrated Paul's birthday in March with family. We took our first family vacation to Florida in April and my parents joined us. In the fall, after searching for 2+ years, we finally found a house. We moved in on November 22nd and have spent the last 6 weeks of the year settling in and making it our own. We hosted family for a post-Thanksgiving dinner and will have Christmas at our house with Phil's mom and brother.

Whew - did you make it this far? If so, I'm impressed! Life sure has changed in the last 10 years. The first 8 years of the last decade were full of lots of travel adventures. The last 2 years were very quiet on the travel front but featured other kinds of adventures. Our life is quieter but it is full in a different way. At the start of the last decade, I hoped my future would include a husband and a child. I got my wish and more, and for that, I am incredibly thankful! I can't wait to see how life will unfold in the decade to come.

What memories from the past decade stand out for you? And for those who celebrate, I am wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas!

The State of My Single Union

As I mentioned in my recap post earlier this week, I read the book “Single State of the Union” last month.  It’s a collection of essays written by single women - they focus on various aspects of their life:  careers, child rearing, living alone, traveling, etc.  It was nice to read the thoughts/reflections of women whose lives more closely mirror mine.  Living in the Midwest where people tend to marry in their 20s (like my siblings and all of my college friends have) I don't have a lot of people in my life who have similar lifestyles or have been in my shoes.  I am not complaining, it is just a fact of life that most of the people that surround me have found their life partners - and I am so happy that they have!

When reading that book, I couldn’t help but think what I would say in an essay about my single life.  Right now, I can honestly say I am really happy with my life as it is.  I have a wonderful family, a great group of friends, a rewarding career, and a home that I adore.  I’ve pursued/am pursuing difficult endeavors, such as getting my MBA and working towards obtaining the CFA designation.  I’ve discovered the hobby of running, ran marathons and half marathons, and have met wonderful friends as a result.  I’ve had great adventures – trips to Paris, trips to British Columbia to meet up with other runners, trips to other cities to visit friends.

My goal in my late 20s was to get to a point where I was happy with the state of my life and didn’t feel like it was missing anything – I spent so much of my 20s waiting to meet someone so I could feel that sense of ‘completeness’.   Well, I’ve left that mindset behind, and I no longer yearn for someone to complete me – instead I hope to meet someone who will compliment my personality.  But that’s a topic for a whole other post.

So bottom line – yes I am happy on my own, and I could continue to live this life I am living and be happy.  But I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be disappointed if I never get married – because I would.  I’d like to share my life with someone and have the opportunity to have children, but if it doesn’t happen for me, I know I'll be ok.  Actually, I'll be more than ok - I'll still be happy.

Sometimes, though, I wonder if I was built for solitude.  Most of my interests are solitary pursuits (running, reading, knitting).  I feel comfortable living alone, traveling alone, eating alone, running alone. But there are still moments when I yearn for companionship - someone who will seek out great adventures and share in the inevitable burdens of life.  But at the same time, the thought of meeting someone almost exhausts me – and scares me.  I feel like I keep dating the same person, over and over again.  He has a different name and a different story, but the ending seems to be on repeat.  And while I try to hold onto hope that I might experience a different ending some day, after 16+ years of dating, it gets increasingly harder to believe that. And I begin to wonder if maybe I'm meant to be alone.

Of course, all of this pondering feels like a rhetorical question right now as my life is so not conducive to dating right now...  But it will be soon and I wonder if my attitude towards dating will shift or if this ambivalence towards dating will stick around.

So this is the state of my single union.  Happy. And trying really hard to remain hopeful.  I know that regardless of whether I ever meet someone, my life will be full of great adventures – and it will be full of love.

I'll close with the chorus of John Mayer's song, "Heart of Life", which perfectly sums up how I feel.

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Advent Week 4: Peace

And just like that, it's the last week of Advent!  The theme of the final week of advent is peace.  I think peace is something that we all strive for.  We want to live in a peaceful world, we seek peace in our relationships, and we want to be at peace with the decision we make in life.

I think about this week in comparison to last year, and am sort of blown away by how much more peaceful my life is.  A year ago today, I ended my relationship with the Barrister (my nickname for my last boyfriend for those of you who weren't reading along last year).  There is no great time to end a relationship, but the week of Christmas is especially bad.  Presents for him and his family were under my tree.  I had made plans to join his family on Christmas Day.  But there was such a lack of peace in that relationship, I could not stay in the relationship just because it was Christmas week.  Instead of peace, there was a horrible feeling of panic and anxiety when I thought about our future together as we had some major differences that I knew we'd never work through, regardless of how much we tried to talk through those differences.  It was difficult to end the relationship as I did really care for him, but I felt at peace with my decision.

Flash forward a year, and there is much more of a sense of peace.  This year, though, I have figured out that peace is a choice.  If something is coming between you and a sense of peace, then you make changes - whether it's ending a relationship, changing professions, or whatever other change is necessary to feel at peace with your life.
 

"Peace is not something you wish for; It's something you make, something you do, something you are, and something you give away." ~ Robert Fulghum

In closing, I'd like to thank you all for all the thought, interesting comments you've left on my advent series posts.  I have enjoyed reflecting on the season and advent and appreciate all the positive feedback I've received!

I'll close with my favorite scripture passage about peace:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phillipians 4:6-7)

Learned a Lot

Remember when I said I totally fell in love with Amos Lee last month?  This is one of my favorite songs off his newest album.

Spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling

Spent a lot of time talking to walls

Spent a lot of time chasing that old time feeling

Spent a lot of time waiting on your call

It's all about the lessons you learn through heart break.  You see, I've been dating for 14 years.  14 YEARS.  That is a long time.  I have siblings and friends that dated for about 1/4 - 1/2 of that time.  So yes, I've dated a lot, but I have also learned a lot. 

And I've learned a lot

really learned a lot

broken down on my bedroom floor

yes I've learned a lot

really learned a lot

I hope you found what you were looking for

Here are some of the lessons I've learned over the last 14 years:

• If they care, they will call; if they don't, they won't. 
• Trust your gut instinct.  Don't dismiss a feeling that something doesn't feel right. 
• The one who cares the least has the most control.  A detectible misbalance (regardless of whether you are the one who cares more or less) puts a not-so-good spin on the relationship.  
• You can not buy the other person's affections by being the perfect girlfriend.  It's not about being perfect.  It's about being perfect for each other.
• If you aren't happy on your own, you won't be happy in a relationship.  In the beginning?  Yes.  But in the long run?  Unlikely.
• It is far better to be single than to be in an unfulfilling relationship.
• This quote is totally true:  "Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the  sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost." 

Oh and darling

Instead of running

I think it might be time to sit down

and deal with the pain

Late at night I sit and listen to the freeway

rolling like a river on a distant shore

nobody told me that living was easy

I ain't living in fear anymore

It's taken years, but I recently realized that I have let go of the wounds of past relationships. 

I have let go of the bitterness.  I have let go of the "Whys" and the "How could yous" and instead of focusing on the disappointments of past dating experiences, I'm shifting my focus to appreciating the lessons I've learned along the way. 

I'll close with this great quote about forgiveness and letting go of things that has really resonated with me:

"We are chained to that which we do not forgive...  Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor.  Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor.  You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is." 

What have you learned through your years of dating?

And PS - isn't Amos Lee dreamy?  I mean, he's the total package in my opinion.  Great voice.  Plays the guitar.  Has adorably disheleved hair.  Wear glasses.  What's not to love? 

30

The big birthday has arrived - today I turn 30 and will celebrate the passing of another decade of life. I've gone from dreading 30 to being afraid of 30 (embarrassingly) to being excited for 30 over the course of the last year.

Even though I told myself I'd use that 30 before 30 list to focus on things in my control, over the past year my mind still gravitated towards the things that are not in my control. However, I am getting closer to accepting that not everything is going to work out according to the time line in my mind.

So today, I am letting go of focusing on the words that don't define me (girlfriend, wife, and mother) and am celebrating the words that do. In the past 10 years, I graduated from college. I bought my first condo on my own. I became an aunt to 4 adorable nephews. I got my MBA. I ran 2 marathons. I started a blog and have met some fabulous fellow bloggers - and have plans to meet more in 2011! Most recently, I started a job that I can actually say I love! It helps to list the great things that have happened in my 20s - it reminds me how fortunate I am and how many great memories I will carry with me into my 30s.

I learned many valuable lessons in my 20s. I learned how to love and be kinder to myself. I learned that being in a relation does not necessarily = happiness. I learned that you can be more lonely in the wrong relationship than you will be when you are single. I learned that I have to make myself happy before I can be happy with someone else.

So here's to a new decade! I can't wait to see what milestones and lessons the next 10 years will hold!

And what better way to start it than with a fabulous trip to Paris! I fly out on Friday - the countdown has begun!!

(Source)

What lessons did you learn in your 20s?

Half of My Heart

Warning: bit of a heavier post to follow...

Let me just start off by saying that I sort of can't stand John Mayer. I was a little bit totally in love with him when he released his first CD. The song, "Why Georgia" totally transports me back to my senior year of college! However, the more successful he becomes, the less I like him. I think he's sort of the ultimate tool, actually.

That said - I do begrudgingly like his song, "Half of My Heart". Last month I watched the music video on the VH1 Top 20 Countdown... and was sort of intrigued. Have you seen it? If not, here it is...






So what is your interpretation? Did the bride call the wedding off? That is my assumption since we never see the bride, but I am not quite sure. Did the bride have a relationship with John Mayer? He pulls out that slip of paper with "Can't stop loving you" at the end - did he receive that from the bride?

Dang you, John Mayer, for intriguing me with your music video.

Switching gears, this video sparked a memory of a dream I had probably 5 years ago. It is a haunting dream... I dreamed that it was my wedding day, but everything was so last minute. I mean, I was selecting the music for the ceremony on the morning of the wedding!!! I am a bit of a planner so that is so out of character for me... The rest of the dream details are very blurry - with the exception of the end of the dream. I was standing outside of the church, alone, in my wedding dress. I knew in my heart that I couldn't go through with it, but I could see that the church was full of my closest family and friends. So I just kept walking back and forth along the sidewalk in front of the church, trying to find the courage to call the wedding off.

Worst. Feeling. Ever.

But is that feeling worse than actually going through with it and marrying a man that I know isn't the right one for me? No, that would be much worse.

It's sort of bizarre that I had this dream. I am not a commitment-phobe. I am not afraid of marriage. My parents, grandparents, and siblings have provided excellent examples of how wonderful marriage really is. I look forward to getting married some day.

But I tell you what - the feeling of dread/panic that I experienced in that dream? I guess I sort of keep that in the back of my mind when I am dating someone. What does this mean? While I do enjoy getting caught up in the excitement of falling in love, I try not to be blinded by love. I try to take a step back and ask myself,

"Could I marry this person?"

"Is this how my future husband should talk to me or treat me?"

Stepping back and asking myself these questions is what resulted in the end of my relationship with The Deux a couple of years ago. On paper, we had so much in common. He fit in well with my family. He loved going to my parents' cabin as much as I did. We had 80% of what it takes to have a successful, fulfilling relationship. But that other 20% that wasn't there would have made for a very unhappy marriage.

We are both good people, we just aren't good for each other.

It was scary when I ended that relationship. But what was scarier was the fact that, had he asked me to marry him eventually, I would have been that bride planning her wedding, doubting that he was the right person.

This spring, I had another dream about getting married*. This one was a happy one, though. I was walking down the aisle with my dad, towards my husband-to-be. I don't remember much else from the dream, except for one thing - the feeling of complete certainty, rightness, and excitement that I felt as I approached my groom.

I don't know if marriage is God's plan for me - I guess I will have to wait an see. But that feeling of certainty? That is what I look forward to.

Am I the only one who has had a heavy dream about marriage? Have you had a similar dream? Or are your dreams the "happily ever after" type? And don't forget to comment on your interpretation of the John Mayer video!!

* These are the only 2 dreams I can remember having about weddings... It's not like it's a recurring dream by any means... I thought I should clarify that, lest you think I am some wedding-obsessed psycho...

Where I'm At...

Most of you do not know this, but I was set up by a co-worker last month. I was less than excited about this date, but I know that in order to meet someone, I have to put myself out there.

So I did. I went on this date.

And surprisingly, I actually liked the guy. He was funny. He had a flirtatious smile. We had mutual friends and acquaintances. We both had family on neighboring lakes - which is pretty random. One after another, the coincidences kept adding up. As did the dates.

I already had a nickname picked out for him for the day when I would tell you all about him. The nickname was Flash because it sort relates to what he does for a living.

Little did I know, Flash would be the perfect nickname, but for a completely different reason; it was the perfect nickname because he was gone in the flash.

Once again, similar to my experience with the Dog Whisperer, I am left with very little explanation for his change of heart. At least this time I did get an email with a vague explanation this time; it was cryptic, but an explanation nonetheless.

But there are still unanswered questions. I know I just have to accept the fact that it will never make sense. It is not logical for a guy to go from saying "I miss you" in an email to inviting you to join him on a night out with friends to just disappearing, all in a span of days. My frustration with the situation is further increased by the fact that we had this whole conversation on our 2nd date about how he could tell that I had some walls up and how he hoped I'd let them down for him. I guess I never expected someone with the sensitivity to discuss walls and the vulnerability of dating to add a few more layers of bricks to those walls.

But I am letting it go. Does it hurt? Definitely. Am I disappointed that I've hit another dead end? Without a doubt. Did I give myself permission to wallow a bit and cry? You bet. Quite a bit, actually. I know our time together was brief, but it still hurts to see it come to an end as I was really excited about this guy.

But now - I am moving forward. I will not look back and re-play the great dates in my mind. I will not go back and re-read his emails. I can gain absolutely nothing from looking back at the chain of events through a microscope - clearly, he is not worthy of any more of my time, thoughts, tears, or emotions.

What I wonder about is this: I have been thinking lately about how doing things like training for a marathon sort of breaks your body down so it can be built back up and be even stronger as a result. But is the same true when it comes to the heart? Does the fact that I have had my heart broken over and over mean that it gets stronger? Does it increase my capacity to love? I guess I am wondering how many more times I can weather these disappointments and come out on the other side, still able to open my heart for another man.

I guess that question will remain unanswered for now. In the mean time, I am focusing on all of the wonderful things I have to look forward to in the next 6 months. Things like a mini-blogger reunion this weekend with some fabulous girls. Things like meeting up with Amber to run the Portland Marathon in October. Things like going to Paris for 8 days to celebrate my Birthday in February.

I will not pretend that I don't yearn to find my Mr. Right. As my friend Nora says, "The heart wants what the heart wants." But I think the best way to find him is to keep doing the things I love. To keep seeking out new experiences. To keep working on becoming the best version of myself.

It's not easy and there are definitely days where I feel like I will never find him. But I have no choice than to forge ahead.

And at least I am one more frog closer to my prince.

I'll close with a stanza of a song from Sarah McLachlan's newest album which really speaks to how I am feeling right now...

Oh I wanna learn,
I wanna know
Will our history crush us
or can we let it go?
I'm not the girl I was
but what have I become?
I'm not so willing anymore to bend
Still pleasing and conceding
But I'm not gonna lose myself again

~ Excerpt from Awakenings by Sarah McLachlan

Match Maker, Match Maker, Make Me a Match

On Cup of Jo yesterday, Joanna featured an article about a mom who started a website to find a match for her adult son. Pretty unconventional, interesting, and a little bit hilarious, right?

It got me thinking - would I trust my mom to pick out a date or two or twenty for me?

The answer is yes.

I am not talking about an arranged marriage here, but I do think that my mom could pick out a suitable potential match for me. After all, she's watched me date for 10+ years. She knows what works and doesn't work. She knows what types I am attracted to. She understands that I am a bit on the melodramatic side (ahem, like crying on the phone about a cartwheeled induced ankle injury), so she understands what kind of personality a boyfriend would need to balance my high strung side.

Now, this blog post isn't a plea for my mom to put on her match making hat. For now I would like to retain control of that corner of my life. But it was interesting to think about.

On the other hand, I am not sure how I would feel about being set up with a guy by HIS mom. I feel like that would scream 'momma's boy' and I am not sure if I could date a guy like that... It just makes me think of the Sex and the City episode when the Jewish women at Charlotte's synagogue are trying to set her up with their sons and it goes miserably... (I feel like any and every situation in life can someone be related back to SATC, by the way...)

What do you think, dear readers? Would you trust your parents' match making or do you think they'd fail miserably at finding a suitable match for you? If someone wanted to set you up with their son, would you be open to that?

Ghost Town

Lately, I have been feeling like I live in a ghost town. The ghosts I am encountering are not of the "Casper-the-Friendly-Ghost" persuasion.

No, these are the ghosts of relationships past.

Now, when I accepted my job at The Chariot, I knew that I was going to be working closely with The Charioteer. I've gotten used to seeing him on a daily basis. Do I love the fact that when I stand up in my cube, I look directly into his cube? Eh, not so much.

I also knew I'd occasionally see The Deux. We don't see each other all that frequently since he works two floors above me. I actually haven't seen him much since the whole Two Exes and a Wedding experience. Which is nice - I mean, a girl can only handle so many run-ins with her exes right?

Well, I clearly hadn't hit my quota for June.

Let me set the scene for you. I had just finished a hot, sweaty 6 mile run with my running group on Sunday morning and decided to treat myself to a post-run iced tea. So I pretty much couldn't have looked worse. I walk towards the coffee shop and see a guy entering the store and think - hmm, that guy looks familiar. He turns back and I realize - oh wait, that's the freaking Dog Whisperer. Remember him? The guy I dated last fall who basically stood me up one night and then proceeded to fall off the face of the earth ?

We both pretended not to notice each other and he exited out of the back of the store, so luckily we didn't have to exchange words.

Even though he was such an insignificant person in my life, it still rattled my cage to see him. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as I handed over my debit card to pay for my drink. And I was cursing the fact that he saw me looking like that - and not in a cute, summer dress, sans post-workout sweat.

As I was driving home, I thought of a quote from the lovely Carrie Bradshaw. It's from the episode where she sees Aidan at the Grand Opening of Steve's Bar:

“New York is definitely haunted. Old lovers, ex-boyfriends, anyone you have unresolved issues with you are bound to run into again and again until you resolve them.”

I know having a brief encounter with an old flame is not a big deal. I know I will never get closure or an explanation for his Houdini disappearance. And that is fine. It just makes me feel like maybe my city is getting just a little bit too small sometimes.

Lesson learned - no more post-run beverages at this coffee shop.

Do you ever feel like your world is becoming smaller? Maybe it's in a good way and you run into people you want to see. Maybe it's in a not-so-good way and you run into old boyfriends or friends you've grown apart from?

Adventures in Awkwardness: Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Two Exes and a Wedding

Last week, unbeknownst to me, I had relocated to a little land called Denial.

I was trying to use the power of positive thinking to talk myself out of the fact that going to a wedding with my 2 exes wouldn't be awkward. I thought with the right dress and the right attitude, the evening would be fun.

I had positive interactions with both exes in the weeks leading up to the wedding. In fact, I had thought that The Charioteer had grown and changed quite a bit in the last 4 years since we dated. Since we started working together about 2 months ago, it had seemed like we were on the pathway of renewing our friendship. So I had envisioned an evening of great conversation and laughter.

Saturday night was a heavy, heavy dose of reality.

For those of you who have seen (500) Days of Summer, the evening reminded me of this scene:




The evening was a reminder of why I am no longer dating either of these two men. I was reminded of how much work it was to carry on a conversation with The Charioteer. And how one-sided those conversations tended to be. I felt more alone sitting next to The Charioteer in a room full of people than I would have felt had I been sitting in a room by myself.

That is not a good feeling.

I kept the tears at bay until I got in the car for the 3+ hour drive home. Parts of that drive were spent in tears. Tears of sadness. Tears of frustration over how, all these years later, these exes still get to me. Tears of fear that it will never be my turn to say "I do".

After a couple of phone conversations with a couple of great girlfriends and some encouraging Blackberry messages from my mom (I love that my mom bbms!), I felt more calm and centered.
As difficult as this was, I probably needed this dose of reality. The human mind has an amazing ability to forget pain and discontent; I had started to forget why I chose not to be with these 2 men. I had started to forget about the qualities they both possess that make them such poor matches for me.

The chapter of the book of these two men was finished long ago, but it warranted a re-read.

Whenever I start to feel despair about my future and wonder how I will ever find my way to my Mr. Right, I keep those feelings at bay by focusing on a bible verse that my grandma emailed to me shortly after my break-up with The Deux (yes, my 80-something grandma emails - how cool is that?):

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

So for now I will go on living my life, focusing on the things that make me happy. Focusing on becoming the best possible version of myself. Focusing on believing that he is out there.

Dress Rehearsal

While I do love living alone, there is one thing I miss about having a roommate... or 41 like I did when I lived in Delta Gamma during my college years.

I miss having a roommate to help me with outfit selections!

Can you imagine living with 41 other women? It was actually surprisingly peaceful much of the time, and you always had someone to go to for an honest critique of an outfit - or someone to borrow an outfit from if need be.

So here is where I turn to you, my trusted readers, and ask you for your honest opinion! I am leanings towards one of the following dresses/ensembles but would love to get your opinion!

You can read more details about the wedding I will be attending here, or here is the cliff notes recap:
- It's the wedding of a co-worker
- The wedding is in Iowa
- The only other people I will know, besides the groom, are my two ex-boyfriends, one of which is bringing his new girlfriend

Here are my 4 options. Please disregard my hair & make-up - these pictures were taken after a long day of work!

Option #1: Flirty Black Dress

Pros: It's super comfy and has a flattering neckline. And it has pockets (why can't every dress have pockets?)
Cons: Due to the fullness of the skirt/the way it's cut, if it's windy on Saturday, I run the risk of flashing everyone while walking to & from the car.



Option #2: Classic Black Dress

Pros: It's a simple, classic look that I could dress up with the right accessories.
Cons: Hillary Rodham Clinton called and she wants the shell of her sisterhood-of-the-traveling-suit back.

Option #3: Navy J.Crew Dress

Pros: The picture isn't great for this one since I am slouching my shoulders, but it is flattering when you see it in person. And it also has pockets!
Cons: Similar to dress #2, it's also a bit on the work-wear side.

Outfit #4: White Pants & Graphic Print Top Combo

Pros: If the reception is on the cool side, I won't freeze like I might in the other dress options (I get cold really easily). Also, I like the cut of the top, although I look like I am rocking a bit of a farmer's tan... Yikes!
Cons: May be a bit too casual - although keep in mind this wedding is in the Midwest where the dress code is a bit more relaxed at weddings compared to what you would see in larger cities.

Well, what do you think? I'll be back tomorrow to let you know what my final decision is!

Chocolate & Wisdom

In an effort to satisfy my sweet tooth (and avoid the vending machine), I have been packing little individual Dove Dark Chocolates for a little post-lunch pick-me-up. Each little chocolate has a nugget of wisdom inside the wrapper. It's kind of fun to unwrap the chocolate and see what it will say.

Last week, I opened up a chocolate to find the following message:

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance."

Later that evening, I was having a post-dinner pick-me-up (it was that kind of day). Guess what the message on that chocolate wrapper said?

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance."

Alright, alright Dove. You've made your point.

While I could write a post about how hard it is to open up my heart after the number of heart-aches I've been through, that's not what this post is about. Instead it's about yet another quote from a piece of chocolate... consumed on another day. (I do have to fit into a dress for the wedding I'll be attending with the 2 ex-boyfriends this weekend.)

This quote posed the following question:

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?"

Isn't that a good question? It certainly kept me thinking long after that chocolate had been consumed... and digested.

A couple of answers that came to mine for me were: Open a "Shop Around the Corner" type of bookstore - but for adults, not children and write a book. Both just seem so daunting & unachievable - but a girl can dream, right?

What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?

PS For all the Parenthood watchers out there - is anyone else wishing to be spontaneously serenaded by a man with a ukulele?

Adventures in Awkwardness: Chapter 1

I am always telling people that I feel like my life could be a screenplay for a dorky ABC Family movie. I just feel like I have more than my share of awkward encounters - especially when it comes to dating. So today I am kicking off a new blog post series called, "Adventures in Awkwardness." I'm excited to share some of my stories with you! They were all somewhat traumatic when they occurred, but with time I have been able to see the humor in them.

Today's story actually hasn't occurred yet, but it's a scenario that has the makings for complete and utter awkwardness. Without further ado, here goes.

One of my co-workers is getting married in Iowa over Memorial Day weekend. He's been a good friend to me so I feel that it's important to go to this wedding.

But here's the thing. The only other guests I will know are my 2 two ex-boyfriends.

I will most likely be sitting at a table with The Charioteer (ex-bf that sits 6 cubes away) and Deux (ex-bf that sits 2 floors above me).

Holy awkward. The Charioteer & Deux are friends, but I don't know if that makes it less awkward or more awkward? And I think Deux might bring his new girlfriend.

I am almost tempted to place a "SWF seeks Wedding Date" personal add, a la the movie Wedding Date.

I mean, if someone could guarantee that a Dermot Mulroney look alike would show up at my door as a result of placing said ad, I'd be all for it.

But most likely, I'd be the victim of the next Craigs List murderer or something like that.

So I will suck it up, attend solo, and find one hell of a dress to wear. In fact, I am doing a little 'fashion show' at my best friend's house next week so she can help me select the perfect outfit. And we are going to get manicures together... Is it shallow that I want to make sure I look really good?

I'm sure I'll share a recap of how it all went sometime in June. I am crossing my fingers that it doesn't turn out to be as awkward as I am imaging it!

Ode to My Mom

Happy Friday, everyone! I hope you all had a great week.

It's Mother's Day this weekend so I thought I would dedicate this post to my mom. I won't get to spend the holiday with her, but I will see her in AZ on Thursday!! Can't wait!

It's really hard to sum up everything my mom has done for me and how much I appreciate her in a blog post. How do you sum up all the tears she wiped away, all the cuts and bruises she kissed, all the advice she has given out, and all the delicious meals she has cooked? I obviously can't do her justice here, but I will do my best.

As I have gotten older, I am more and more in awe of all that my mom was able to and continues to accomplish. She helped my dad build up a successful business while still finding time to cook delicious meals every night. We sat down as a family and ate a balance, healthy meal every night of the week. I can't even handle cooking dinner for myself during the week - but she managed to keep 5 kids well fed!

Another thing that amazes me is that I do not remember her ever seeming tired. If she was tired (and seriously, she had to be between working, volunteering in the community, and raising 5 kids), she sure never let it show. She always had time to listen to our stories and help us with our homework in the evening.

So here's to you, mom, and everything you did and continue to do! I know I don't always do the best job showing how much I appreciate you! I love you very much!

This is one of my favorite pics of my mom! You can just see the joy & happiness in her eyes. She's totally in her element - sitting on the deck of our cabin with my nephew Matthew. Doesn't she look fabulous? Would you believe me if I told you she was over 60??? I hope I age as well as she has!

How will you celebrate Mother's Day? Tell me one thing about your mom that you really, really appreciate!