Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Learned a Lot



Remember when I said I totally fell in love with Amos Lee last month?  This is one of my favorite songs off his newest album.

Spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling
Spent a lot of time talking to walls
Spent a lot of time chasing that old time feeling
Spent a lot of time waiting on your call

It's all about the lessons you learn through heart break.  You see, I've been dating for 14 years.  14 YEARS.  That is a long time.  I have siblings and friends that dated for about 1/4 - 1/2 of that time.  So yes, I've dated a lot, but I have also learned a lot. 

And I've learned a lot
really learned a lot
broken down on my bedroom floor
yes I've learned a lot
really learned a lot
I hope you found what you were looking for

Here are some of the lessons I've learned over the last 14 years:

  • If they care, they will call; if they don't, they won't. 
  • Trust your gut instinct.  Don't dismiss a feeling that something doesn't feel right. 
  • The one who cares the least has the most control.  A detectible misbalance (regardless of whether you are the one who cares more or less) puts a not-so-good spin on the relationship.  
  • You can not buy the other person's affections by being the perfect girlfriend.  It's not about being perfect.  It's about being perfect for each other.
  • If you aren't happy on your own, you won't be happy in a relationship.  In the beginning?  Yes.  But in the long run?  Unlikely.
  • It is far better to be single than to be in an unfulfilling relationship.
  • This quote is totally true:  "Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the  sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost." 
Oh and darling
Instead of running
I think it might be time to sit down
and deal with the pain

Late at night I sit and listen to the freeway
rolling like a river on a distant shore
nobody told me that living was easy
I ain't living in fear anymore



It's taken years, but I recently realized that I have let go of the wounds of past relationships. 

I have let go of the bitterness.  I have let go of the "Whys" and the "How could yous" and instead of focusing on the disappointments of past dating experiences, I'm shifting my focus to appreciating the lessons I've learned along the way. 

I'll close with this great quote about forgiveness and letting go of things that has really resonated with me:

"We are chained to that which we do not forgive...  Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor.  Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor.  You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is." 

What have you learned through your years of dating?

And PS - isn't Amos Lee dreamy?  I mean, he's the total package in my opinion.  Great voice.  Plays the guitar.  Has adorably disheleved hair.  Wear glasses.  What's not to love? 

15 comments:

Becky said...

I don't even know where to start with this post because I pretty much loved everything about it - all your lessons, all the quotes, all SO true.

Lisa-Marie said...

Lisa, you are awesome.

Raquelita said...

I'm so glad to read that you are letting go of the past and any bitterness that you felt that was leftover from previous relationships. During my 12 years of dating I learned a lot of those same lessons. Any significant imbalance in caring more/less is an absolute recipe for disaster, which I learned the hard way from both sides.

Cherry Blossoms said...

A lot of truth here and know your other half is searching for his other half... you!

Marlys said...

Great post, Lisa! Forgiving and letting go is so healing! I think Amos is dreamy, too! I also agree that your other half is looking and wating for you, too!

missris said...

I absolutely love this. People think I'm crazy when I say I'm at least on speaking terms with all my exes, but they are all great people who were just not great for me. Letting go of how I wanted things to be and just being ok with how things actually were/are has been instrumental in remaining civil. It also helps to remind myself that i didn't want to end up with them for X, Y, Z reason, and being happy in that fact. You're also totally right that it's better to be happy alone than miserable in a relationship. Great post!

BetsE said...

During my dating years I learned "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!" For some reason I had to learn this the hard way with several guys. I guess I'm slow to learn! :)

Nora said...

Love this, Lisa.

I've learned that space can be a good thing.

I've learned that it's ok to be ME while in a relationship and not apologize for it. If they don't like it, they can walk.

I've also learned that relationships are hard. They take a lot of work. And if both people aren't willing to put that work into the relationship there is no way it can work.

Also, you rock.

Amber said...

I love this post. I think it's great that you have learned so much about all the experiences you've had.

I feel like I've learned A LOT about relationships from my ONE relationship (ha, kind of ironic I suppose) just because we have been together since we were kids and gone through so many different stages of life together. My biggest lesson has definitely been that relationships are HARD and that they take work from both sides.

Oh, and I'd never heard that song before but I LOVE IT! He is dreamy ;)

Stephany said...

Ah, you are my single girl role model, can I just say. :) I just loved all these lessons.

I completely agree that you have to be able to be happy single to be happy in a relationship. I know so many people who are so scared to be alone. I don't get it! I kinda love being single. :) For now, at least.

Erin said...

Okay---I swear---just when I think I couldn't love your blog more than I already do---you post something that makes me adore it even more!! I LOVE Amos Lee. Oh my---- such sex appeal. Guys who sing really do it for me :)

But beyond my adoration for the charming crooner--what I REALLY love is pretty much every single word of this post!

I know you and I have shared many conversations on this topic and I've probably already said this to you--but what I've learned is that relationships take effort. Both people in the relationship have to do their part. You might not always be 50/50 (sometimes one has to give a little or take a little more)---but it all has to even out. THERE IS NO REASON TO EVER SETTLE! Just when you think you're *never* going to meet anyone who will give you all you want-----you'll probably meet him!

I know I've told you I hated hearing all of that cliche crap when I was in your shoes---but take it from a girl who's walked the walk (and therefore gets the right to talk the talk)---it is entirely a possibility that this will all happen! It did for me :)

LOVE YOUR HONESTY!!!!!! You will speak to many people when they read your words :) That is talent!!

Mandy said...

Love this post and love you. I especially love the last quote. There is so much power in cutting loose the past, hurt and forgiving. Lessons learned are always such valuable moments.

crystal said...

I adore this post and agree with everything! The song is amazing too, thanks for sharing.

Abby said...

I just love reading this post and seeing how much you have learned and grown. I can tell you are happy. -- And that makes me happy :)

Every statement you made is so so true. There is no "correct" age for the right answers or things to happen.

Amos is dreamy. I've been listening to his music for a few years now, and this is the 1st time I saw what he looked like! Not what I was expecting! He is dreamy :)

Jolene - EverydayFoodie said...

I didn't really do a lot of dating. I lucked out and met the "man" of my dreams when I was 15. 6 years later I married him.