What If?

It's Valentine's Day which is one of those holidays that a lot of people hate. I totally get it, but I kind of love that there is a day set aside to show the people in your life that you love them. Granted, we shouldn't need this reminder but sometimes we do. We don't do cards and flowers in our house. Instead I make Phil's favorite meal (lentil enchiladas) and he'll probably grab some macarons for dessert!

I thought today would be a fun day to play a little game of "what if" with pictures of my Valentines sprinkled in. Life is a series of seemingly insignificant decisions that - taken in whole - can significantly alter the path of your life.

What if...

- I hadn't gone to the University of North Dakota?

- And then what if I hadn't changed my dorm assignment when I realized I mistakenly had picked a dorm with community bathrooms instead of suites with a bathroom shared by 4 people (community bathrooms sounded like my personal h*ll, honestly)?

- Because if I hadn't changed dorms, then I wouldn't have met my friend Katie, who had joined the Delta Gamma sorority in the fall of 1999.

-  If I hadn't met Katie, I don't know that I would have gone through rush/sorority recruitment during the spring of 2000. I ended up joining the same sorority as Katie and became a Delta Gamma.

- Because if I hadn't joined Delta Gamma, I don't think I would have found out about the Toastmasters program at UND. For those who aren't familiar with Toastmasters, it's a public speaking program. For whatever reason, most of the people in the Toastmasters program at UND were members of sororities and fraternities.

- If I hadn't participated in Toastmasters, I wouldn't have met a girl named Hilary who lived in the sorority that was next door to Delta Gamma.

- Because if I hadn't met Hilary, then she wouldn't have gotten to know me and thought to set Phil and me up on a blind date. I got a message from Hilary on LinkedIn in the fall of 2012 saying that she worked with a guy with whom I had an uncanny number of things in common (ran a marathon, got his MBA at the same university as me, and was also working on his CFA) whose curiosity was piqued when Hilary said she knew a girl with a degree in math that might be a good fit for him.

- And if I hadn't checked my LinkedIn account, I wouldn't have gone on that blind date. And I wouldn't be married to Phil.

- And if all of that hadn't happened, I would be the mom of Paul.

I don't know if I believe in fate and destiny when it comes to finding your partner, but it is interesting to see how one little decision, many years ago, could have altered my life's path in profound ways!

Happy Valentine's Day!

I'd Rather: The Valentine's Day Edition

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!  I know this is a day that tends to be met with either excitement and enthusiasm...  or groans of annoyance!  I am in the excitement/enthusiasm camp, even though I've only had a boyfriend 3 out of my 32 Valentine's Days I've celebrated!  I get that people hate the commercialized aspect of this holiday and hold the view that your love for others should be expressed every day - not just Valentine's day - and I completely agree with those views.  But I like that there is a day each year that is dedicated to the expression of love - whether that is love for your significant other, family, friends, etc.  So that is why I like this holiday!

Given the polarized view on this day, I thought it would be fun to do an "I'd Rather" post to sum up how I feel about today!

I'd Rather...
 - stay in and make dinner than eat out in a packed restaurant.


- receive French macaroons (especially salted caramel flavored) than flowers.

- receive flowers on a random day than on Valentine's Day, but would of course accept them today as well! :)

- receive tulips or gerber daisies or something like that than roses as roses don't seem to last very long - but would graciously accept any flowers that I received, of course!

- eat Laffy Taffy and conversation hearts than expensive chocolates (I'm not a huge chocolate person).

-  celebrate the day running and take in this view...

 
and enjoy a post-run hot cocoa from Angelina's...

as I did 2 years ago today than celebrate in any other city!

- but... since a Valentine's Day trip to Paris is not in the cards anytime soon, I'd rather spend the holiday with Phil, cooking lentil enchiladas (his favorite meal I've made thus far), Spanish Rice, and Chocolate Souffles (wish me luck, this is a new recipe for me!) than spend the holiday any other way!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!  Regardless of your relationship status, I hope that this day - and every day of the year - is filled with love!

Valentine's Day, a Year Ago

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!  I am one of the few single people that actually enjoys this holiday.  Actually, relationship status aside, there are a lot of Valentine's Day haters out there!  I get that people hate the commercialized aspect, and I think that we should show the people in our lives that we love them every day but I still like that one day is devoted to love. 

This Valentine's Day will be pretty lackluster for me as I the only date I have is a date with my CFA materials, so I am reflecting back on how I spent Valentine's Day last year!  I was in Paris, celebrating my birthday, and had an absolutely wonderful day. 

I went for a run along the Seine...

I enjoyed a delicious world famous hot chocolate at Angelina's (it's to die for)...

And if that wasn't already enough sugar, I also enjoyed a Mont Blanc, which is a meringue topped with chestnut paste.  Like the hot cocoa, it was also divine...

And then I meandered back to my apartment, walking along the Seine, and stopped in at one of the most famous bookstores in the world...

It was a magical day and a trip I will never forget.

I am going to close with the same poem I shared last year as it is one of my favorites and a year later, it still resonates with me.

Love After Love

The time will come when,
with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

~ Derek Walcott

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!  Whether you choose to celebrate or boycott this holiday, I hope you have a wonderful day and end the day feeling loved.  I know I will.

More Love Letters

Happy Wednesday, everyone.  Remember on Monday when I said I would be participating in a project that tied in with this week's Advent theme?  Well, here is that project.

My friend Becky has been part of a project called "More Love Letters" for months now.  She has shared her experience both on her blog as well as the More Love Letters blog.  The project has gained momentum as the months have passed - so much so that the "write a letter to your latte maker" project was featured on Oprah's Blog!

All along I was so proud of what Becky, Hannah (the creator and founder of the project), and the other letter writers have done.  But truth be told, I was a bit reticent to participate in the project.  I actually haven't ever really wrote a love letter to someone I know, so how could I write one to a stranger? (post edit: actually, this is not technically true as I have sent many thinking of you cards and such to friends and family! I never thought of them as love letters, but that is really what they were.)

Then Becky told me about their 12 Days of Love Letter Writing project and I knew it was a good time for me to get involved.  I signed up to participate and received my letter request in late November.  It read as follows:

Elizabeth is in her early 20’s and got married a couple years back. Without warning, her husband recently decided to leave her.

Her close friend wrote, “Elizabeth was strong for a long while but has been shutting out all those who have been supporting her, loving her and trying to point her in the direction of God. Elizabeth is a highly creative individual who is multi-faceted and full of potential. She has been through the ringer and is resisting her true life callings.”

This love letter bundle will be a bit different. Instead of a giant bundle of love letters, Elizabeth’s friend plans to leave a love letter for her each day. She wants to leave them on her car, at work, send them to her house etc. “My prayer is that this bundle will change her life and bring healing from this situation.”

Over the last 1.5 weeks since I received the letter request, I have thought about what I could say to comfort this person that I have never met.  I was a little nervous at first, but then I thought about moments when the kindness of a stranger has brightened my day, and it didn't seem like such a daunting task anymore.

The first sentence was the hardest one to write.  But then the words flowed after that.  While I have not experienced the difficulties of a divorce, I have gone through difficult things in life and I reflected on the words from others that got me through.

Now here is your chance to get involved.  I encourage you and invite you to join me in writing a love letter to Elizabeth.  It can be a couple of sentences.  It can be paragraph upon paragraph.  Each love letter is as unique as its writer. 

If you want to participate, please send your letter to this following address within the next week:

More Love Letters

P.O. Box 2061

North Haven, CT  06473

It is my hope that through the love letters that Elizabeth receives, she will find some peace, comfort, and love during this holiday season.

Advent: Week 2: Love

Good Morning and happy Monday to everyone.  I hope you all had a great weekend.  Mine did not start out so great.  I got the stomach flu on Friday.  It was HORRIBLE.  I am a total and complete baby when I am sick and I was really wishing I could teleport my mom to my condo.  No one can take care of you like your mom can, in my opinion.  I think it's a combination of them knowing what you want/need when you are sick and loving you unconditionally.  So while many people would be disgusted by your illness, your mom's love for you looks past the grossness and just wants to comfort you.

What a lovely little segue into this week's Advent post, huh?  The theme for the 2nd week of Advent is Love.  In the immortal words of the Prime Minister's monologue (Hugh Grant's character) in Love Actually,

"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around."

I like this monologue because it addresses many of the forms of love.  It's a well-known fact that suicide rates increase during the holiday season.  Sadly, this "most wonderful time of year" can be a time of isolation and loneliness for some for a plethora of reasons.  As Mother Teresa said, "The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread."  I know it oversimplifies the issue of depression and suicide to sum it up and blame it on people hungering for love and personal connections, but I think that is a large part of the problem.

I feel very lucky and blessed as I most certainly do not feel an absence of love in my life.  Yes, I could focus on the fact that I am not married or dating anyone right now, but there is so much love in my life, I find it easier to overlook that a significant other is not part of my life right now.  Instead I focus on love from God, family, my nephews and niece (who fall into the family category, but warrant a special mention because they make me feel especially loved), and friends.

So this holiday season, I am choosing to focus on all of the love in my life, and I want to make a conscious effort to let the others in my life know they are loved and appreciated, through both my words and my actions.  I'll be sharing a little project later this week that ties in well with this message of spreading more love, so be sure to tune in on Wednesday to hear more about that.

I'll close with a scripture verse that emphasizes using actions, instead of words: 

"Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth" (1 John 3:18)

Learned a Lot

Remember when I said I totally fell in love with Amos Lee last month?  This is one of my favorite songs off his newest album.

Spent a lot of time staring at the ceiling

Spent a lot of time talking to walls

Spent a lot of time chasing that old time feeling

Spent a lot of time waiting on your call

It's all about the lessons you learn through heart break.  You see, I've been dating for 14 years.  14 YEARS.  That is a long time.  I have siblings and friends that dated for about 1/4 - 1/2 of that time.  So yes, I've dated a lot, but I have also learned a lot. 

And I've learned a lot

really learned a lot

broken down on my bedroom floor

yes I've learned a lot

really learned a lot

I hope you found what you were looking for

Here are some of the lessons I've learned over the last 14 years:

• If they care, they will call; if they don't, they won't. 
• Trust your gut instinct.  Don't dismiss a feeling that something doesn't feel right. 
• The one who cares the least has the most control.  A detectible misbalance (regardless of whether you are the one who cares more or less) puts a not-so-good spin on the relationship.  
• You can not buy the other person's affections by being the perfect girlfriend.  It's not about being perfect.  It's about being perfect for each other.
• If you aren't happy on your own, you won't be happy in a relationship.  In the beginning?  Yes.  But in the long run?  Unlikely.
• It is far better to be single than to be in an unfulfilling relationship.
• This quote is totally true:  "Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the  sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost." 

Oh and darling

Instead of running

I think it might be time to sit down

and deal with the pain

Late at night I sit and listen to the freeway

rolling like a river on a distant shore

nobody told me that living was easy

I ain't living in fear anymore

It's taken years, but I recently realized that I have let go of the wounds of past relationships. 

I have let go of the bitterness.  I have let go of the "Whys" and the "How could yous" and instead of focusing on the disappointments of past dating experiences, I'm shifting my focus to appreciating the lessons I've learned along the way. 

I'll close with this great quote about forgiveness and letting go of things that has really resonated with me:

"We are chained to that which we do not forgive...  Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor.  Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor.  You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is." 

What have you learned through your years of dating?

And PS - isn't Amos Lee dreamy?  I mean, he's the total package in my opinion.  Great voice.  Plays the guitar.  Has adorably disheleved hair.  Wear glasses.  What's not to love? 

Where I'm At...

Most of you do not know this, but I was set up by a co-worker last month. I was less than excited about this date, but I know that in order to meet someone, I have to put myself out there.

So I did. I went on this date.

And surprisingly, I actually liked the guy. He was funny. He had a flirtatious smile. We had mutual friends and acquaintances. We both had family on neighboring lakes - which is pretty random. One after another, the coincidences kept adding up. As did the dates.

I already had a nickname picked out for him for the day when I would tell you all about him. The nickname was Flash because it sort relates to what he does for a living.

Little did I know, Flash would be the perfect nickname, but for a completely different reason; it was the perfect nickname because he was gone in the flash.

Once again, similar to my experience with the Dog Whisperer, I am left with very little explanation for his change of heart. At least this time I did get an email with a vague explanation this time; it was cryptic, but an explanation nonetheless.

But there are still unanswered questions. I know I just have to accept the fact that it will never make sense. It is not logical for a guy to go from saying "I miss you" in an email to inviting you to join him on a night out with friends to just disappearing, all in a span of days. My frustration with the situation is further increased by the fact that we had this whole conversation on our 2nd date about how he could tell that I had some walls up and how he hoped I'd let them down for him. I guess I never expected someone with the sensitivity to discuss walls and the vulnerability of dating to add a few more layers of bricks to those walls.

But I am letting it go. Does it hurt? Definitely. Am I disappointed that I've hit another dead end? Without a doubt. Did I give myself permission to wallow a bit and cry? You bet. Quite a bit, actually. I know our time together was brief, but it still hurts to see it come to an end as I was really excited about this guy.

But now - I am moving forward. I will not look back and re-play the great dates in my mind. I will not go back and re-read his emails. I can gain absolutely nothing from looking back at the chain of events through a microscope - clearly, he is not worthy of any more of my time, thoughts, tears, or emotions.

What I wonder about is this: I have been thinking lately about how doing things like training for a marathon sort of breaks your body down so it can be built back up and be even stronger as a result. But is the same true when it comes to the heart? Does the fact that I have had my heart broken over and over mean that it gets stronger? Does it increase my capacity to love? I guess I am wondering how many more times I can weather these disappointments and come out on the other side, still able to open my heart for another man.

I guess that question will remain unanswered for now. In the mean time, I am focusing on all of the wonderful things I have to look forward to in the next 6 months. Things like a mini-blogger reunion this weekend with some fabulous girls. Things like meeting up with Amber to run the Portland Marathon in October. Things like going to Paris for 8 days to celebrate my Birthday in February.

I will not pretend that I don't yearn to find my Mr. Right. As my friend Nora says, "The heart wants what the heart wants." But I think the best way to find him is to keep doing the things I love. To keep seeking out new experiences. To keep working on becoming the best version of myself.

It's not easy and there are definitely days where I feel like I will never find him. But I have no choice than to forge ahead.

And at least I am one more frog closer to my prince.

I'll close with a stanza of a song from Sarah McLachlan's newest album which really speaks to how I am feeling right now...

Oh I wanna learn,
I wanna know
Will our history crush us
or can we let it go?
I'm not the girl I was
but what have I become?
I'm not so willing anymore to bend
Still pleasing and conceding
But I'm not gonna lose myself again

~ Excerpt from Awakenings by Sarah McLachlan

Adventures in Awkwardness: Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Two Exes and a Wedding

Last week, unbeknownst to me, I had relocated to a little land called Denial.

I was trying to use the power of positive thinking to talk myself out of the fact that going to a wedding with my 2 exes wouldn't be awkward. I thought with the right dress and the right attitude, the evening would be fun.

I had positive interactions with both exes in the weeks leading up to the wedding. In fact, I had thought that The Charioteer had grown and changed quite a bit in the last 4 years since we dated. Since we started working together about 2 months ago, it had seemed like we were on the pathway of renewing our friendship. So I had envisioned an evening of great conversation and laughter.

Saturday night was a heavy, heavy dose of reality.

For those of you who have seen (500) Days of Summer, the evening reminded me of this scene:




The evening was a reminder of why I am no longer dating either of these two men. I was reminded of how much work it was to carry on a conversation with The Charioteer. And how one-sided those conversations tended to be. I felt more alone sitting next to The Charioteer in a room full of people than I would have felt had I been sitting in a room by myself.

That is not a good feeling.

I kept the tears at bay until I got in the car for the 3+ hour drive home. Parts of that drive were spent in tears. Tears of sadness. Tears of frustration over how, all these years later, these exes still get to me. Tears of fear that it will never be my turn to say "I do".

After a couple of phone conversations with a couple of great girlfriends and some encouraging Blackberry messages from my mom (I love that my mom bbms!), I felt more calm and centered.
As difficult as this was, I probably needed this dose of reality. The human mind has an amazing ability to forget pain and discontent; I had started to forget why I chose not to be with these 2 men. I had started to forget about the qualities they both possess that make them such poor matches for me.

The chapter of the book of these two men was finished long ago, but it warranted a re-read.

Whenever I start to feel despair about my future and wonder how I will ever find my way to my Mr. Right, I keep those feelings at bay by focusing on a bible verse that my grandma emailed to me shortly after my break-up with The Deux (yes, my 80-something grandma emails - how cool is that?):

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

So for now I will go on living my life, focusing on the things that make me happy. Focusing on becoming the best possible version of myself. Focusing on believing that he is out there.

Chocolate & Wisdom

In an effort to satisfy my sweet tooth (and avoid the vending machine), I have been packing little individual Dove Dark Chocolates for a little post-lunch pick-me-up. Each little chocolate has a nugget of wisdom inside the wrapper. It's kind of fun to unwrap the chocolate and see what it will say.

Last week, I opened up a chocolate to find the following message:

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance."

Later that evening, I was having a post-dinner pick-me-up (it was that kind of day). Guess what the message on that chocolate wrapper said?

"It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance."

Alright, alright Dove. You've made your point.

While I could write a post about how hard it is to open up my heart after the number of heart-aches I've been through, that's not what this post is about. Instead it's about yet another quote from a piece of chocolate... consumed on another day. (I do have to fit into a dress for the wedding I'll be attending with the 2 ex-boyfriends this weekend.)

This quote posed the following question:

"What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?"

Isn't that a good question? It certainly kept me thinking long after that chocolate had been consumed... and digested.

A couple of answers that came to mine for me were: Open a "Shop Around the Corner" type of bookstore - but for adults, not children and write a book. Both just seem so daunting & unachievable - but a girl can dream, right?

What would you attempt to do if you knew you would not fail?

PS For all the Parenthood watchers out there - is anyone else wishing to be spontaneously serenaded by a man with a ukulele?

My Funny Valentines

How was your Valentine's weekend? I am so envious of those of you who are still enjoying their weekend thanks to the celebration of President's Day! If only retail observed those holidays!!

I had a wonderful weekend and have some pictures to share with you. I apologize for the poor quality of the photos - they were taken with my blackberry since I forgot my camera!

Mattie LOVED the pizza! He kept asking for more!

Andrew was also a fan the pizza - between Mattie & Andrew, they ate half of a large pizza!

They both ate so well, I decided they could have some dessert. Plus, the perks of being an auntie is that you rarely say no to fun treats! Andrew is almost 5, so loves to do everything for himself. I dished up the ice cream and then let him put his own chocolate on...

This is what happens when you let a 4 year old put chocolate on their ice cream - without watching! Whoops!! Guess he got his week's dose of sugar!

Mattie loves ice cream - and all things sugary!

Despite all the sugar, he went down without a fuss.

Andrew tackled the 100 piece puzzle I brought over. I was worried that the pieces might be too small, but he did great! He must take after me - I LOVED puzzles when I was his age (and still love them, truth be told)

All in all, it was a wonderful weekend.

And if there was ever any question of whether or not I am loved, all I have to do is look at my fireplace mantel where all my birthday and Valentine's Day cards reside...


How was your weekend?

Valentine's Day Past

Happy Friday! It's been one of those incredibly long, 10-12+ hours of work each day kind of weeks! Whew, so glad it's almost over. I am looking forward to celebrating Valentine's Day this weekend. I'll spend it babysitting 2 of my nephews on Saturday night. I'll bring over a heart-shaped pizza and I bought a couple of puzzles for the 4 year old & I to put together once the 2 year old is in bed. Should be a fun night! Even though I have almost always been single on Valentine's Day, I still love the holiday. I know many people think it is a "Hallmark Holiday" but I love that there is one day of the year that people are reminded to tell the people that they love that they love them! I know we shouldn't need a holiday to remind us to do that, but sadly, some people do need that reminder!! So be sure to express your love this weekend - whether it's for your spouse, significant other, parents, sibling, friend, or pet!

My heart will be a bit heavy this weekend as I reflect back on Valentine's Day last year. My Grandpa was in the hospital after having some heart problems, so I drove up to Fargo to see him. I only got to spend about 15-20 minutes with him, but I am so glad I went. I brought a Valentine's Day card for him & Grandma, and some lemon drops since that was kind of 'our candy'. I hugged him and told him to get better and not worry us like he had!

That night, I babysat for my nephews. I vividly remember sitting on the couch with my brother and his wife when they got home, talking about Grandpa and how afraid I was that his life was coming to the end. I didn't want to believe that the life of such a great man could be coming to an end.

That was the last time I saw my Grandpa - he died a week later. So my heart is heavy as I think of the anniversary of the last time I saw him and the anniversary of his death.

But my heart is full of wonderful memories of the countless hours that I spent with him. I know I am blessed to have had him in my life for as many years as I did.

So this weekend, when I reflect on all the love in my life, I will definitely think of the love I received from my Grandpa. I will reflect on the love I have witnessed between my parents and grandparents. I will reflect on the innocent, pure love that I receive from my nephews.

So, even though I am single, I have so much love in my life to be thankful for!

How will you celebrate Valentine's Day?

Perks of Being Single

Valentine's Day is just days away!! This is a very couples-centric time of year so it would be very easy for a single girl like me to start to feel sort of sorry for myself. However, self pity won't do me a bit of good. And really, while there are many things I miss about being part of a couple, there are perks associated with being on my own.

• When I make decisions about a job or where to live, I don't have to factor another person into my decision - which makes it much less complicated!
• I get to spend every holiday with my own family!
  
• If I want to eat a baked potato every night for dinner, no one is going to complain.
• Last night, when I came home and worked until 10 pm, it didn't impact anyone else. Granted, I don't enjoy long days like that (at all - I am quite worn out), but it helps to not feel guilty about neglecting someone at home.
• I have more of an active role in my nephews lives than I would if I was single. They get more of my energy and free time. I have babysat for my 2 nephews that live in the area the past couple of Valentine's Day weekends and this is a tradition I hope to continue - even if I do have a boyfriend next year! I love the looks on peoples faces when I tell them I actually have 2 dates on Valentine's Day. Granted, they are 4 yrs old & 2 yrs old. Details, details...
  
• I don't have to explain any purchases to someone! If I want to splurge on a new outfit or go on a book buying spree, I only have to talk myself into it and don't have to then go home and sell my husband on why it was ok to spend our money!
  

What are the perks of your relationship status?

Worth Waiting For

"So what is your type?"

A friend recently poised this question to me. By now, I should have a well-rehearsed, canned answer to this question. But I really don't. I don't know what my Mr. Right will look like. I don't know what kind of job he'll have. I can't give you a laundry list of what I'm looking for. Sure, I'd love it if he was handsome and wore glasses, but does that really matter? No, it doesn't.

What does matter is the way he will make me feel. This is something I've been thinking about as we approach Valentine's Day. I could try to succinctly say how he will make me feel, but instead I am going to share two poems from Mary Anne Radmacher:

you are every whisper of promise.
when i look at you i hear the laughter of my life,
i remember every dream i have forgotten just after awakening,
i believe in any possibility that i have once touched.

even when you are not with me,
you are part of the memories i make.

and now... i will be the soil of your rich harvest season. the season where the pain of the fallow and the burden of the bountiful come together. i am the orchard in which you walk and ponder and begin to hear the wind whisper of the immeasurable breadth of your strengths. i am the growing places in which you wander and begin to see the richness of your own knowing. it is in this place where you may both rest and soar.

******

if you are the question
the answer is yes.
if you are the challenge
the problem is already solved.
then and now
yesterday and tomorrow
i go on choosing you.

***

Aren't those lovely poems? I keep the book of Radmacher's poem on my bedside stand and read them for inspiration. How does your beloved make you feel? If you are single like me, how do you hope he will make you feel?