On Being Dealt Another Blow

Well, I had about a 2 day stretch of positivity - which came to a crashing halt yesterday morning at my doctor's appointment.  It turns out that the nagging foot pain I have been having for the last 1-2 months (maybe longer, I can't remember when it started as this year has been such a blur) is being caused by both a stress fracture and a torn tendon.  I am not sure when I could have sustained these injuries as I have been running such low mileage since the marathon in October.  So I am wearing a lovely, massive boot on my injured foot and can not do any cardio exercise for at least 3 weeks.  At that point I go back to the doctor for a follow-up to figure out the next steps.

To say I am upset is an understatement.  I was totally the girl that cried in the doctor's office when I was told I can not exercise right now.  I am sure some think that is an over-reaction, but with this move to Charlotte, I am in a state of mind where I am clinging to any sense of normalcy, and running was kind of the only thing I could really bring with me from my life in Minneapolis.  Well, unless you count CFA studying, which is obviously not a positive, comforting aspect of my life like running was.

I sort of want to throw up my hands and say ENOUGH.  I cried on and off most of yesterday.  Yes, I am throwing myself a pity party but dangit, I am so tired of being tested and challenged.  It feels like the last 3+ months have been a string of difficult experiences.  The hits just keep on coming and I am just fed up. I'd say things couldn't get worse, but I don't want to tempt fate because I really thought things couldn't get worse than having to move to Charlotte, but clearly I was wrong.

Hopefully after 3 weeks of rest, I will be cleared to do some cardio and my ultimate hope is to be back to running by June so I can start training for the marathon.  The doctor said that *may* be possible, but hopefully it is the case.

So yes, any sense of positivity has completely gone out the door, but for those who challenge me to keep looking for the positive, I ask that you put yourself in my shoes and honestly ask yourself if you would be maintaining a positive attitude in the midst of all that I am currently dealing with.  Yes, eventually I will need to accept all that has happened and find the silver linings, but that time is not now.  At least not for me.  

On Big Unexpected Life Changes

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans."

 

 

This well-known quote resonates with me after my experience in Charlotte last week.  You see, I had all these plans.  I thought I'd be in this condo (that I love) for a couple more years.  I'd spend every holiday with my family.  I'd make countless memories at my parents lake home, and would introduce my boyfriend to life at the lake. I'd train for countless marathons with a running club I love. 

 

Well - those plans and dreams all came to a crashing halt last week when I got unexpectedly pulled into a conference room on my trip to Charlotte and was told that my job and department is being moved to Charlotte and that I have 2 weeks to decide and 2-3 months to complete the move. 

 

To say I was shocked is an understatement.  I sat there - in a group of men who all took the news oh so stoically - and I damn near hyperventilated.  My body shook and tears silently poured down my face as so many thoughts and questions went through my mind.  

 

As those of you have who have read my blog for years know, I have worked really hard over the past couple of years to create this life I loved.  I felt like I had really hit my stride and can honestly say there really isn't much I was looking to change in my life.  I genuinely love and adore Minneapolis.  And now this bomb has been dropped on me.  Yes, I can try to find something else, but let's be honest here.  The economoy is still hurting, and my industry is doing particularly horrible because when interest rates are low, we do not make much money.  In fact, most of our competitors are cutting jobs - not adding them. 

 

This whole situation would be different if they were asking me to move to cities like Chicago, San Francisco, Boston, Manhattan, Philadelphia, or Seattle.  No offense to those who love or live in Charlotte, but I do not care for the city.  In my opinion, it's a great place to live if you like a suburban lifestyle (I don't at all) or like mild weather (I don't mind winter and like snow at Christmas).  The downtown (well they call it "Uptown") is a far cry from what I am accustomed to in Minneapolis where there is an awesome grocery store, Target, Banana Republic, Barnes & Noble, etc.  Charlotte has none of those things, and clears out each evening once everyone goes home to return to their suburban lifestyles.  And - it's not a city for running (in my opinion).  Sure, the weather is mild and accomodating, but it does not make the top 10 list of cities to run in like Minneapolis does. I walk out my door and have access to miles upon miles of running trails along lakes and rivers.  Charlotte?  Has no water (except for a lake in - you guessed it - suburbia).   

 

But I really can't control where they asked me to move and no matter how much I cry, kick, scream, moan, and complain, reality does not change - I will likely have to move to Charlotte.

 

I have so many things running through my mind.  Big things like how often will I see my family?  What will happen to my relationship?  Is the short amount of time we've had together enough for us to turn our relationship into a long distance one, and one with no end date in mind of when we might be reunited?   Will I be able to afford to come back for the multiple weddings I have this fall, the Chicago marathon, Julia Child Night, and the holidays?  Will I make friends?  Will the stress of a cross-country move jeopardize my chances of passing the CFA exam?

 

And then there are smaller things like - will I be able to find an apartment that my furniture (like my large dining room table and beautiful piano) will fit in?  Will I find a running club I like nearly as much as the one I have here?  How will the hot/humid summer impact my marathon training?  Will I find a church I like?  Should I change my CFA test center to Charlotte?  What about all of my pre- and post-test rituals I've established here in Minneapolis? 

 

I recognize that things could be worse.  At least I still have a job - that is better than having my position eliminated.  But right now, I think I deserve to be upset/sad/mad/confused/scared.  I think I have the right to cry.  I know that eventually I will have to put this pity party behind me and try to be more positive, but right now, it feels like my whole world has been turned upside down in the blink of an eye.

I don't really want this blog space to become a vortex of negativity and moping.  So I am going to take a little break from blogging as I work through some of these emotions and commit my free time to researching my options and getting a better handle on what a cross-country move requires.  Luckily the relocation package is generous and they try to make it as easy for you as possible, but it's still going to be a lot of work. 

So if you pray, please say a prayer for me.  If you don't, keep me in your thoughts as this is a really difficult time for me.  

On Being Flighty

Trivia time.  Do you recognize this character?

That, my friends, is Forgetful Jones.  Bonus points to those of you who recognized him - clearly you were paying attention during your Sesame Street days! 

I have been channeling Forgetful Jones lately.  I mentioned my forgetfulness in my recap of Kyria's visit, but it's been a pervasive theme of September.  How so?  Read on. 

• On my way back from Charlotte, I forgot my credit card in an airport restaurant.  I realized this when I got back to Minneapolis that evening.  Luckily I had only used it once that day so it was easy to figure out where I left it.  I had to cancel it and re-order it, which was painless, but still annoying.
• Last week I was in Austin for work and when I got to the airport to fly to Dallas, I realized I had forgotten my runnig shoes in the room!  I called and luckily they said they would ship them to me.  I was so so so annoyed at myself, but luckily I had an extra pair since I had bought a pair when I forgot my shoes when I went to the cabin one weekend this summer (are you noticing a theme here?).
• I got back from my business trip and started to unpack and realized that my iPod was not in my suitcase.  Turns out I left that in the room in Austin, too.  Sheesh.  What is my deal.  I was in a rush that am as we left for the airport at 6:30 (for a 7:15 flight - by the way - so I was in hyper nervous mode as I am not a 'let's get to the airport at the last minute' type but when I travel with a rep, I do not make the decision on when we depart for the airport, etc).  I called the 4 Seasons and they had noticed my iPod when they shipped my shoes, so luckily they also shipped my iPod to me.  Phew, what a relief!
• On Saturday morning I went to run club and forgot my garmin.  Not the end of the world as I wasn't planning on doing any pick ups since I have been so sick this week, but it was just the last straw in a string of forgetfulness.

So yah, I basically am operating on half a brain these days.  I blame the lack of sleep and my sinus infection.  But I am actually just a really forgetful person in general.  I was the child who always lost a mitten at school.  I tend to forget things at people's houses when I visit.  I have a tendency to lose my keys.  I really hate this personality trait, but I guess you have to take the good with the bad, right?

Are you a flighty/forgetful person? 

Ten Days of Thanksgiving: Day 5

I am thankful for my iPod family.

Yes, I have a family of iPods. 4 of them, to be exact. I realize that this might seem a bit excessive, but keep in mind I only purchased 2 of the 4. And each one serves a purpose. So without further ado, meet my iPod family!

Pete - This was my first iPod. I got it as a Valentine's Day gift in 2006 from the guy I was dating at the time! I had just gotten into running and was training for my first half marathon so he thought it would be the perfect gift. And boy was he right. When the relationship ended, I seemed to spend even more of my time running while sorting through the aftermath of that break up. I started to feel a little lame about the fact that I was always running alone, so I named my iPod Pete; that way, when people asked what I did the night before, I could say, "I went for a run with Pete."

Ella - Pete was a first generation Nano and only held 4G. I have quite the large music collection so I decided to use some credit card points to purchase an iPod Classic. It holds 120G so it easily holds my music collection. I never run with this because it is sort of big/bulky. But I use it every day - either on the drive in or while I am working. I am very lucky that I can put on my head phones and listen to music at work. It creates this barrier that helps me concentrate.

Sophia - Pete was starting to get up there in age and wasn't very reliable anymore. Sometimes he would freeze up and give me the "sad Mac face" (SATC watchers will get this reference). After my iPod died on a couple of runs, I knew it was time to replace Pete with a new model. Along came Sophia, an 8G Nano. Pete now resides on a docking station in the kitchen and keeps me company when I am making dinner.

Patrick - Meet the last member of the iPod family, Patrick the iPod Touch. Similar to Pete, I did not purchase this one; one of my best friends generously gave it to me when she got an iPhone this summer. She apparently doesn't hoard iPods like I do. ;) She used this iPod on her trip to Paris with her husband last fall and thought I could get use out of it when I am in Paris in February since my cell phone will not work there. Patrick was very useful when I was in Canada on my marathon trip. I wasn't able to use my phone in Canada, so Patrick helped me keep in touch with the Barrister and my parents as I was able to send emails.

So there you have it. Don't judge. We all have our quirks. I realize it's a bit odd to own 4 iPods, and have names for them. But our quirks are what make us loveable and interesting!

Ghost Town

Lately, I have been feeling like I live in a ghost town. The ghosts I am encountering are not of the "Casper-the-Friendly-Ghost" persuasion.

No, these are the ghosts of relationships past.

Now, when I accepted my job at The Chariot, I knew that I was going to be working closely with The Charioteer. I've gotten used to seeing him on a daily basis. Do I love the fact that when I stand up in my cube, I look directly into his cube? Eh, not so much.

I also knew I'd occasionally see The Deux. We don't see each other all that frequently since he works two floors above me. I actually haven't seen him much since the whole Two Exes and a Wedding experience. Which is nice - I mean, a girl can only handle so many run-ins with her exes right?

Well, I clearly hadn't hit my quota for June.

Let me set the scene for you. I had just finished a hot, sweaty 6 mile run with my running group on Sunday morning and decided to treat myself to a post-run iced tea. So I pretty much couldn't have looked worse. I walk towards the coffee shop and see a guy entering the store and think - hmm, that guy looks familiar. He turns back and I realize - oh wait, that's the freaking Dog Whisperer. Remember him? The guy I dated last fall who basically stood me up one night and then proceeded to fall off the face of the earth ?

We both pretended not to notice each other and he exited out of the back of the store, so luckily we didn't have to exchange words.

Even though he was such an insignificant person in my life, it still rattled my cage to see him. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as I handed over my debit card to pay for my drink. And I was cursing the fact that he saw me looking like that - and not in a cute, summer dress, sans post-workout sweat.

As I was driving home, I thought of a quote from the lovely Carrie Bradshaw. It's from the episode where she sees Aidan at the Grand Opening of Steve's Bar:

“New York is definitely haunted. Old lovers, ex-boyfriends, anyone you have unresolved issues with you are bound to run into again and again until you resolve them.”

I know having a brief encounter with an old flame is not a big deal. I know I will never get closure or an explanation for his Houdini disappearance. And that is fine. It just makes me feel like maybe my city is getting just a little bit too small sometimes.

Lesson learned - no more post-run beverages at this coffee shop.

Do you ever feel like your world is becoming smaller? Maybe it's in a good way and you run into people you want to see. Maybe it's in a not-so-good way and you run into old boyfriends or friends you've grown apart from?

Adventures in Awkwardness: Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Two Exes and a Wedding

Last week, unbeknownst to me, I had relocated to a little land called Denial.

I was trying to use the power of positive thinking to talk myself out of the fact that going to a wedding with my 2 exes wouldn't be awkward. I thought with the right dress and the right attitude, the evening would be fun.

I had positive interactions with both exes in the weeks leading up to the wedding. In fact, I had thought that The Charioteer had grown and changed quite a bit in the last 4 years since we dated. Since we started working together about 2 months ago, it had seemed like we were on the pathway of renewing our friendship. So I had envisioned an evening of great conversation and laughter.

Saturday night was a heavy, heavy dose of reality.

For those of you who have seen (500) Days of Summer, the evening reminded me of this scene:




The evening was a reminder of why I am no longer dating either of these two men. I was reminded of how much work it was to carry on a conversation with The Charioteer. And how one-sided those conversations tended to be. I felt more alone sitting next to The Charioteer in a room full of people than I would have felt had I been sitting in a room by myself.

That is not a good feeling.

I kept the tears at bay until I got in the car for the 3+ hour drive home. Parts of that drive were spent in tears. Tears of sadness. Tears of frustration over how, all these years later, these exes still get to me. Tears of fear that it will never be my turn to say "I do".

After a couple of phone conversations with a couple of great girlfriends and some encouraging Blackberry messages from my mom (I love that my mom bbms!), I felt more calm and centered.
As difficult as this was, I probably needed this dose of reality. The human mind has an amazing ability to forget pain and discontent; I had started to forget why I chose not to be with these 2 men. I had started to forget about the qualities they both possess that make them such poor matches for me.

The chapter of the book of these two men was finished long ago, but it warranted a re-read.

Whenever I start to feel despair about my future and wonder how I will ever find my way to my Mr. Right, I keep those feelings at bay by focusing on a bible verse that my grandma emailed to me shortly after my break-up with The Deux (yes, my 80-something grandma emails - how cool is that?):

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

So for now I will go on living my life, focusing on the things that make me happy. Focusing on becoming the best possible version of myself. Focusing on believing that he is out there.

Adventures in Awkwardness: Chapter 1

I am always telling people that I feel like my life could be a screenplay for a dorky ABC Family movie. I just feel like I have more than my share of awkward encounters - especially when it comes to dating. So today I am kicking off a new blog post series called, "Adventures in Awkwardness." I'm excited to share some of my stories with you! They were all somewhat traumatic when they occurred, but with time I have been able to see the humor in them.

Today's story actually hasn't occurred yet, but it's a scenario that has the makings for complete and utter awkwardness. Without further ado, here goes.

One of my co-workers is getting married in Iowa over Memorial Day weekend. He's been a good friend to me so I feel that it's important to go to this wedding.

But here's the thing. The only other guests I will know are my 2 two ex-boyfriends.

I will most likely be sitting at a table with The Charioteer (ex-bf that sits 6 cubes away) and Deux (ex-bf that sits 2 floors above me).

Holy awkward. The Charioteer & Deux are friends, but I don't know if that makes it less awkward or more awkward? And I think Deux might bring his new girlfriend.

I am almost tempted to place a "SWF seeks Wedding Date" personal add, a la the movie Wedding Date.

I mean, if someone could guarantee that a Dermot Mulroney look alike would show up at my door as a result of placing said ad, I'd be all for it.

But most likely, I'd be the victim of the next Craigs List murderer or something like that.

So I will suck it up, attend solo, and find one hell of a dress to wear. In fact, I am doing a little 'fashion show' at my best friend's house next week so she can help me select the perfect outfit. And we are going to get manicures together... Is it shallow that I want to make sure I look really good?

I'm sure I'll share a recap of how it all went sometime in June. I am crossing my fingers that it doesn't turn out to be as awkward as I am imaging it!