Another Layer of Sadness

I don't really want to write this post.  I know it probably sound melodramatic to say that and still write something...  but when things happen in my life that are critical moments, whether good or bad, I can't just gloss over them and pretend they didn't happen. 

I won't mince words and will get straight to the point.  Phil and I broke up over the weekend.  I'm sorry if some people close to me are reading about this for the first in this blog post, but news like this isn't the kind of thing you want to mass email/text out to friend and family.  Especially because right now I don't feel like talking about it or answering a lot of questions.  I just want to put it out there so people know and won't ask the 'so how are you and Phil doing?' question any longer.

I don't have it in me to write an eloquent, poetic post about the end of something that I was really excited about it.  Suffice it to say that between my cross-country move and other difficult things that we are both dealing with, the odds were stacked against us. I know distance can make the heart grow fonder, but it can also make the heart grow distant.  And ultimately being 1,000 miles apart and not knowing when/if you will live in the same city again was just too much for our relationship.  I've been clinging to the sense of normalcy that this relationship represented in the sea of change that has been my life this year, trying to keep this relationship alive, but it got to the point where I had to accept that I was holding onto the ghost of something that no longer existed in its previous form.  There were no unkind words spoken and no anger at the conclusion of our relationship, there was just an acknowledgement that what we have couldn't withstand living so far apart. 

All of this just feels like I am peeling back another layer of sadness in the onion of life.  While I realize that I have much to be thankful for and life could be so much worse, I am hoping this is the last disappointment I'll have to face for awhile because I have kind of had it with facing challenges lately.  Add in the fact that I'll weather this break-up in an area where I am lacking in the friend department, and the fact that I can't use my drug of choice, running, since I'm still recovering from my stress fracture, and well, it's just makes it all a little bit more difficult.

But I just keep telling myself that this, too, shall pass.  And I know it will. I'm going to try to stay as busy as possible to keep the sadness and tears (mostly) at bay.  And for now, I'm reflecting on this passage from Mary Anne Radmacher's book, Lean Forward into Your Life.

Growth and maturity exist largely in knowing when it is time to walk. Knowing when to leave.  There is a peculiar grace in knowing when it is time to say good-bye to a thing, a person, a system, a construct, a belief.

I often hear people speak of relationships at their conclusion as "failed."  Simply because a thing does not last until its anticipated conclusion, that does not make it a failure.  If a flower is crushed while still in bloom, it is not a failed flower. When a younger life is slashed off the planet by a knife or bullet, it doesn't mean that that life failed in its presence on the planet.  It is indeed a loss to those who remain, but it is not failure.  A relationship must be allowed its cycle and time.  Not all comings together are forever even though we bind them to that in our societal vocabulary.  The human being whose life is now lived far from my life and whose name is not a part of my name has his own story. And his parting was less a failure than a learning.

This will be a one post kind of week for me as I just don't feel like writing right now.  Luckily I have a business trip to Houston this week and a fun weekend trip to visit John and his family in Raleigh which will help on the keeping busy/distracted front.

If Not Now, When?

As is often the case, last week I once again stumbled across a line in a book (The Moment by Douglas Kennedy) that really spoke to something I have been thinking about lately.  The line was actually delivered in German - Wie bald 'nicht jetz' 'ni' wird -with an English translation:  How soon 'not now' becomes 'never'.

That stopped me in my tracks and really made me think.  Because I have been answering "not now" to the question of whether I was ready to re-enter the dating world for quite awhile.  I don't regret the decisions I've made in the past couple of years that I have spent single, but I've used the phase "as soon as" quite a bit.  As soon as the CFA is over.  As soon as I am finished training for my half marathon or marathon.  As soon as summer is over.  As soon as I get through this busy season at work.

As soon as.  As soon as.  As soon as.

We can keep clinging onto this phase to put off things in our lives - until someone calls us out on it, as my good friend Brooke did this summer.  She knows I want to meet someone (and am ready) so we talked about it and I said I would give myself the summer to meet someone organically and if it didn't happen, I would try online dating in September.

Well summer came and summer went and I did not meet a single potential date.  So when fall rolled around, I made a date with my 2 best local friends, Brooke and Amanda, and they helped me write a dating profile.  I decided to illicit their help as sometimes our friends can better describe us, especially for a dating profile.  We made a fun night of it by having dinner and some wine before tackling my profile!

Since then I am happy to say that I have been on some dates.  It has been fun and exciting to get emails from guys and it's by far the most male attention I have ever had in my life.  Of course, I am also getting back into dating at an incredibly busy time of my life.  I mean, I am gone 15 days during the month of October and am preparing to run a marathon...  But in an attempt to avoid "not now" becoming "never" I am instead focusing on the question, "If not now, when?"  After all, come December 26th, I will start studying for the final level of the CFA and I KNOW I can't handle starting a new relationship then, so I am giving myself 3 months to meet someone.  If I haven't met someone worth dating by December 21st, I will deactivate my profile and put it off until the last level of the CFA is behind me.

It's been so long since I've dated, and I have grown and changed in the 2 years I have been single, which has required me to sort of 'revisit' my 'deal breakers'.  Some remain the same, like I need to date someone who is driven, kind-hearted, and intelligent.  But now I have added things like an openness to an urban lifestyle.  Being 31 I've also had to think about whether I am open to dating someone who is divorced and has children (at this point, it's not something I am open to).

I feel like I am in a really good place in life right now as I am hitting my stride at work, with running, and am so happy living downtown.  I also don't feel like I HAVE to meet someone as I am quite happy on my own, so I can be particular and patient.  If it takes me years to find him, then so be it.  I know he'll be worth the wait.

Of course, it's not all fun and games as I've been on the receiving end of some rude comments and viciously rude emails, but I guess it is all part of the process and I am taking those not-so-fun situations in stride (and sending CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS HAPPENED emails to friends to keep them entertained and in the loop).  There are awkward "sorry I am not interested" situations and a feeling that you are hurting someone else's feelings at times, but I guess it's part of the process.

All in all, I am approaching it with a positive attitude and realistic expectations.  We will see what the next 3 months bring!

Is there anything in your life that you keep pushing off?

A Great Perhaps

Last weekend, I read the August blogger book club book - Looking for Alaska by John Green (which was a wonderful book, btw).  Early in the book the main character, Miles, is asked by his parents why he wants to go to boarding school. He quotes the last words of Monsieur Rabelais, a famous Frenchman:

"I go to seek a Great Perhaps." 

I think I stumbled upon that quote at the perfect time as that quote could also sum up my approach to dating these days.  During the months of December - early June, I really did not have the time or energy to date.  Some have argued this point with me and said that if the right person came along, I could make it happen. But I know that this is not the case.  Between my lack of free time and the stress level in my life, it would be next to impossible to foster a new, budding relationship.

But now the CFA exam is behind me and I have 5 months of freedom until the next round of studying begins.  For a long time, I've held the belief that I should be able to meet a guy naturally and organically by living my life and doing the things I enjoy.

But the fact of the matter is that it's not working.  I haven't been on a date since October and with the exception of a few potential set-ups by friends, I have no potentials in sight.  So after much thought and some prodding by some close friends, I decided that maybe it is time for me to be a bit more purposeful about meeting someone.  

So my first step was to try speed dating last Friday night.  I like this approach to meeting someone better than online dating because it gives you the ability to immediately assess whether you are a) interested in the person and b) attracted to them - which in my opinion are not things you can determine by looking through profiles or emailing back and forth with someone you meet online.  

There was a pretty small turnout (4 guys), but I am glad I did it.  You got 7 minutes with each person, which was(more than) enough time for me to determine if I'd like to see the guy again.  And randomly enough, there was actually a guy from Paris there! Ooh la la!  But the company that hosted it (Date and Dash) totally sucks.  I matched with the Parisian but had to email the host to ask for my matches - otherwise they wanted me to pay an extra $10 to find out automatically (on top of the $35 event fee) and then the email of the Parisian was wrong...  so yah.  Kind of a fail, but I am still glad I tried it!

Because of the low attendance, I don't know that I will do another speed dating event  - especially after my poor experience with this company.  But it was a good experience for me and got me back into the swing of making date-type conversations.  Despite my reservations about online dating, I am also considering doing a short, 3-month subscription to a site, possibly eHarmony. 

And so I go to seek a great perhaps.  Perhaps something will come of it.  Perhaps nothing will.  The good thing is that regardless of whether I meet someone between now and December, I am very happy with my life and do not feel as though anything is truly "missing."  I guess that you could say that meeting someone would just be the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae that already has all of my favorite toppings.

If you are married, how did you meet your spouse?  If you are single, would you ever try speed dating?

Not If, But When

Another bonus video for you today.  Mat Kearney's new album came out recently so I of course bought it.  This song is the kind of song that makes you want to clap your hands (especially since there is hand clapping IN the song)!  Do you listen to his music?  He rocks.  I have had a crush on him for quite some time, mostly because of his singing/song-writing abilities.  And he is cute, too!

But Mr. Kearney is off the market, so I will have to set my sights on someone else, I guess! 

Do you know where he met his wife?  Anthropologie, my friends.  He said he was shopping for a gift for his sister.  He locked eyes with this girl, and the rest, as they say, is history. 

What a lucky girl - she probably got a cute purchase, like an apron, AND a husband out of a trip to Anthro.

It just goes to show - you never know where you will meet someone.

I used to talk about this with an aunt and she would tell me that she sometimes fantasized about meeting a man in the grocery store.  She thought maybe one day she'd be reaching for a cantaloup at the same time as some great guy, and the rest, as they say, would be history.

What is the point of this post, you ask?  The point is that life is full of surprises.  I am sure Mrs. Kearney did not think she would meet her husband at Anthropologie, right?  But she did.

And no, there have not been any surprise encounters with the man of my dreams, but I still remain hopeful.  Who knows, he could be in Caribou when I order my coffee or at Lunds where I buy my groceries or he may ride up the 13 floors of my condo building with me one evening.

Maybe he's out there, maybe he isn't.  Lately I've thought it's not a question of if I will meet him, it's a question of when.  Either way, I will keep living life to the fullest... and I will certainly keep shopping at Anthropologie.  ;)

If you are in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other?  If you are single, where would like you like to meet your significant other?  I think it would be cool to meet someone at a bookstore because then there would be a pretty good chance that we'd share a love of books.

On Unicorns & Expiration Dating

It’s story time.

I was leaving work on the afternoon of Good Friday when I received an email from a good friend from college, asking if I had plans for the evening as she had a friend who was stuck in town for work who was looking for someone to go to the Twins game with.

Initially, I politely declined as I had family coming to town and I figured my family would not think it was cool for me to choose to hang out with a stranger over time with them.

Then she responded back, listing out some characteristics of this guy. When I read her email I thought – “my God, it’s like she programmed all of the attributes I’d like in a guy into a computer and out popped this guy.”

The thing is, it’s been so long since I have had a positive encounter with a guy, I was beginning to think that quality men were akin to unicorns, meaning they are a nice idea but they just don’t exist in reality. I wanted to spend the evening with my family, but I thought I might regret not taking advantage of this opportunity.

{Source}

I called my SIL and brother who were on their way from Chicago and asked them what they thought I should do. My SIL's only question: “Is he attractive?” My response: “Allegedly…” Her answer: “Then GO!”

And so I did.

There I was again tonight

Forcing laughter, faking smiles

Same old tired, lonely place

Walls of insincerity

Shifting eyes and vacancy

Vanished when I saw your face

All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you

And it was a fabulous night. The game got rained out so we went out for dinner instead and talked for hours. The conversation ranged from our mutual love of excel spreads sheets (yes, I talked about excel spreadsheets on a date, it’s no wonder I am single) to Hemingway to running to travel to being single in your 30s.

The playful conversation starts

Counter all your quick remarks

Like passing notes in secrecy

And it was enchanting to meet you

All I can say is I was enchanted to meet you

Of course the downside to all of this is the fact that he does not live here – nor does he live a driveable distance away. But I continued to see him when I could and labeled what we were doing as “expiration dating."

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go

I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home

I'll spend forever wondering if you knew

I was enchanted to meet you

His work project wrapped up last week and he returned home. I was sad when I found out he would be leaving – but my next thought was that I was actually thankful that I felt sadness because that meant I had actually met someone who made me feel something again. I was beginning to think that wasn’t possible.

Maybe our paths will cross again in the future – time will tell.  Chances are I will visit a sales office close to where he lives so maybe we will see each other again. Bottom line, it was a fabulous 2 week stretch of fun dates and great conversations.  It was good for me to take a easy-going approach to dating and just have fun and enjoy the company of another person.

This experience reminded me that there are fabulous guys out there. It showed me that you can meet them in the most unexpected ways.

It made me realize that life really is full of wonderful surprises.

(Lyrics are an excerpt from Enchanted by Taylor Swift)

30

The big birthday has arrived - today I turn 30 and will celebrate the passing of another decade of life. I've gone from dreading 30 to being afraid of 30 (embarrassingly) to being excited for 30 over the course of the last year.

Even though I told myself I'd use that 30 before 30 list to focus on things in my control, over the past year my mind still gravitated towards the things that are not in my control. However, I am getting closer to accepting that not everything is going to work out according to the time line in my mind.

So today, I am letting go of focusing on the words that don't define me (girlfriend, wife, and mother) and am celebrating the words that do. In the past 10 years, I graduated from college. I bought my first condo on my own. I became an aunt to 4 adorable nephews. I got my MBA. I ran 2 marathons. I started a blog and have met some fabulous fellow bloggers - and have plans to meet more in 2011! Most recently, I started a job that I can actually say I love! It helps to list the great things that have happened in my 20s - it reminds me how fortunate I am and how many great memories I will carry with me into my 30s.

I learned many valuable lessons in my 20s. I learned how to love and be kinder to myself. I learned that being in a relation does not necessarily = happiness. I learned that you can be more lonely in the wrong relationship than you will be when you are single. I learned that I have to make myself happy before I can be happy with someone else.

So here's to a new decade! I can't wait to see what milestones and lessons the next 10 years will hold!

And what better way to start it than with a fabulous trip to Paris! I fly out on Friday - the countdown has begun!!

(Source)

What lessons did you learn in your 20s?

Why...

The Saturday before Christmas, I sat on the Barrister’s couch while he made us a cappuccino – a tradition of ours. The song “Why” by Annie Lennox played on XM radio as he busied himself boiling the coffee and frothing the milk.

Truth be told, I had been struggling in the relationship for the past couple of weeks. As I sat there, the lyrics from this song resonated with me:

Why can’t you see this boat is sinking

Due to the Barrister’s work travel schedule, we had spent a lot of time apart in December. Friends and family had encouraged me and said, “Distance can make the heart grow fonder.” They told me stories of how time apart strengthened their relationship. They grew closer as a result. They grew stronger as a result. I clung to these words and hoped it would be the case as the Barrister would be traveling every week from December – mid-May.

But when we were apart, I felt so lonely. It was so hard on me when we were apart, but it didn’t seem to bother the Barrister – or if it did, he couldn’t find the words to tell me. On this cold December morning, as that sad Annie Lennox song played, tears filled my eyes and spilled over onto my cheeks and I cried in front of him for the first time and told him how hard it was for me when we were apart.

Let’s go down to the water’s edge
And we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out

This display of emotion prompted other conversations throughout the weekend. Conversations about what I wanted out of a relationship. Conversations about priorities and careers and family. Conversations that confirmed what I had began to fear over the past weeks – that we were not right for each other.

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I’ll never tread
These are the dreams I’ll dream instead
This is the joy that seldom spread
These are the tears…
The tears we shed
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head

I was filled with a sense of dread, but I knew what I needed to do. I cared very deeply for the Barrister, but we have different relationship needs/expectations. I really wanted him to be the one, but I knew I deserved more. So on the Monday before Christmas, we parted ways. There is no “good time” for a break up, but the week of Christmas is a pretty craptastic time. However, I didn’t think it would be right to pretend everything is ok just because it was Christmas when I knew in my heart that we should not be together.

I don’t blame his travel schedule for the break up – I think it just put a magnifying glass to some flaws in our relationship.

I’m proud of myself for choosing to walk away – for putting my wants and needs first and recognizing that we were not right for each other, and that our differences were irreconcilable. In the short term, it would have been easier to stay with him as I did love spending time with him. In the long run, though, I would have been short changing myself.

It’s been a tough couple of weeks, but it gets better each day. While our relationship may seem brief to some people, I fell hard and I fell fast. I did not talk about him much on this blog but he was a very big part of my life for the last 3+ months.

I have no hard feelings towards the Barrister. We ended things before any feelings of anger or resentment had a chance to develop. I still care for him and wish our story would have ended differently.

Why is a question I have asked myself a lot over the past weeks.

Why do I keep getting my heart broke? Why do others seem to find their true love so easily and at such a young age while I continue to struggle through these break ups. Why does it have to hurt so much?

Tell me…
Why

But I just spin in circles when I ask questions like these. I am working on accepting the fact that I don't have all the answers.

But when I find myself feeling down, I pull up this quote found on this lovely blog.



And it gives me hope.

* Lyrics are from Why by Annie Lennox...

Date Night in the Kitchen

Since the Barrister and I started dating, we have done a whole lot of eating out! His busy travel season has commenced so I am going to try to make an effort to cook for us on Friday nights. He eats out every meal during the week so is very ready for a home cooked meal by Friday night!

We are sort of a tough couple to cook for, though... I have a gluten intolerance and the Barrister has a severe allergy to peanuts, so peanuts and all legumes are off limits for him. We still have plenty of options, though. He's not a picky eater, so that really helps.

Last Friday, I made Risotto for us. I had seen the recipe on Nola Girl's blog last April and have had it book marked since then! I really liked the recipe since it did not appear to be labor intensive. Making Risotto typically means you will be doing a whole lot of stirring. The risotto bakes in this recipe, so it's not at all labor intensive!

You start by cooking some onions in olive oil. Then you add the rice, spinach, broth, and salt (I omitted nutmeg because the Barrister didn't have it). The recipe calls for 8 cups of spinach - as I added it, I was like, "whoa, this is way too much spinach." The Barrister gently reminded me that it cooks WAY down. He was totally right.

After stirring in a 1/4 cup of fresh grated parmesan, we popped it into the oven at 400 to bake for 15 minutes. Next we added the asparagus! The spinach cooked down even more as it baked.

We covered it with another 1/4 cup of parmesan and baked for another 15 minutes.

15 minutes later - it was done! And it was delicious. We had some extra asparagus so we sauteed that in some olive oil. Mmm!

A delicious meal that got 2 thumbs up from both the Barrister and I! I really enjoy cooking with him. Eating out is fun, but it's fun to hang out in the kitchen together. He's really good about pitching in and helping in any way he can, which I really like!

Have you made Risotto before? If so, what kind have you made? Next time we make Risotto, I want to find a recipe that calls for shrimp as we both love seafood!

Ten Days of Thanksgiving: Day 1

Today kicks off my 3rd annual "10 Days of Thanksgiving" posts! It seems like we spend so much of the year focusing on what we wish we had or what we are working towards; I am glad that this time of year makes us stop and think about all of the things in our lives for which we are thankful!

Today, I am thankful for my boyfriend.

Yep, you read that right! I have a boyfriend! I've been a bit hesitant to blog about him as I am sort of paranoid and think, "If I blog about it, it will end." But we have been going strong for 2 months, and he's met my parents and gotten their stamp of approval so I feel like now is the right time to tell you about him.

Plus, today is his birthday so I figured it was apropos to start my 10 post series by telling you about him.

About 2 months ago, we were set up on a blind date by a mutual friend (a good friend from college is good friends w/ his sister-in-law). Truth be told, I was a bit hesitant to go on this date. We had exchanged a couple of emails and he came across a bit formal in his email. In fact, I nicknamed him "The Barrister" when talking about him because at times I felt like I was corresponding with a barrister in London, not a CPA in St. Paul.

Our first date was the evening of September 11th. I had done my 20 mile training run that morning so I figured if the date fizzled, I had a viable excuse to leave early.

We met for dinner at 7 pm at a seafood restaurant in Minneapolis. Dinner progressed to post-dinner drinks at a local sushi bar where we sat and talked until 1:30 am!!

Again, let me remind you that I had ran 20 miles that morning. The date was that good, it kept me out well past my usual bed time.

I was quite smitten from the get go and still am today. There are many things that I like about the Barrister (the nickname has sort of stuck... he knows about it and I think he likes it). Here are a few that I'd like to share:

I like that he plans fun and interesting dates - whether it's a great rooftop table, an evening at the Science Museum, or dinner at a French restaurant followed by an orchestra concert.

I like how he has welcomed me into his world by introducing me to his family and friends.

I like watching him interact with his niece.

I like that he makes me laugh - and I like that we have inside jokes that are only funny to us.

I like that I have a huge grin on my face as I think about him while typing this post.

I like all these things, and so much much... :)

Happy Birthday, Barrister! I hope the year to come is your best yet!

Half of My Heart

Warning: bit of a heavier post to follow...

Let me just start off by saying that I sort of can't stand John Mayer. I was a little bit totally in love with him when he released his first CD. The song, "Why Georgia" totally transports me back to my senior year of college! However, the more successful he becomes, the less I like him. I think he's sort of the ultimate tool, actually.

That said - I do begrudgingly like his song, "Half of My Heart". Last month I watched the music video on the VH1 Top 20 Countdown... and was sort of intrigued. Have you seen it? If not, here it is...






So what is your interpretation? Did the bride call the wedding off? That is my assumption since we never see the bride, but I am not quite sure. Did the bride have a relationship with John Mayer? He pulls out that slip of paper with "Can't stop loving you" at the end - did he receive that from the bride?

Dang you, John Mayer, for intriguing me with your music video.

Switching gears, this video sparked a memory of a dream I had probably 5 years ago. It is a haunting dream... I dreamed that it was my wedding day, but everything was so last minute. I mean, I was selecting the music for the ceremony on the morning of the wedding!!! I am a bit of a planner so that is so out of character for me... The rest of the dream details are very blurry - with the exception of the end of the dream. I was standing outside of the church, alone, in my wedding dress. I knew in my heart that I couldn't go through with it, but I could see that the church was full of my closest family and friends. So I just kept walking back and forth along the sidewalk in front of the church, trying to find the courage to call the wedding off.

Worst. Feeling. Ever.

But is that feeling worse than actually going through with it and marrying a man that I know isn't the right one for me? No, that would be much worse.

It's sort of bizarre that I had this dream. I am not a commitment-phobe. I am not afraid of marriage. My parents, grandparents, and siblings have provided excellent examples of how wonderful marriage really is. I look forward to getting married some day.

But I tell you what - the feeling of dread/panic that I experienced in that dream? I guess I sort of keep that in the back of my mind when I am dating someone. What does this mean? While I do enjoy getting caught up in the excitement of falling in love, I try not to be blinded by love. I try to take a step back and ask myself,

"Could I marry this person?"

"Is this how my future husband should talk to me or treat me?"

Stepping back and asking myself these questions is what resulted in the end of my relationship with The Deux a couple of years ago. On paper, we had so much in common. He fit in well with my family. He loved going to my parents' cabin as much as I did. We had 80% of what it takes to have a successful, fulfilling relationship. But that other 20% that wasn't there would have made for a very unhappy marriage.

We are both good people, we just aren't good for each other.

It was scary when I ended that relationship. But what was scarier was the fact that, had he asked me to marry him eventually, I would have been that bride planning her wedding, doubting that he was the right person.

This spring, I had another dream about getting married*. This one was a happy one, though. I was walking down the aisle with my dad, towards my husband-to-be. I don't remember much else from the dream, except for one thing - the feeling of complete certainty, rightness, and excitement that I felt as I approached my groom.

I don't know if marriage is God's plan for me - I guess I will have to wait an see. But that feeling of certainty? That is what I look forward to.

Am I the only one who has had a heavy dream about marriage? Have you had a similar dream? Or are your dreams the "happily ever after" type? And don't forget to comment on your interpretation of the John Mayer video!!

* These are the only 2 dreams I can remember having about weddings... It's not like it's a recurring dream by any means... I thought I should clarify that, lest you think I am some wedding-obsessed psycho...

Where I'm At...

Most of you do not know this, but I was set up by a co-worker last month. I was less than excited about this date, but I know that in order to meet someone, I have to put myself out there.

So I did. I went on this date.

And surprisingly, I actually liked the guy. He was funny. He had a flirtatious smile. We had mutual friends and acquaintances. We both had family on neighboring lakes - which is pretty random. One after another, the coincidences kept adding up. As did the dates.

I already had a nickname picked out for him for the day when I would tell you all about him. The nickname was Flash because it sort relates to what he does for a living.

Little did I know, Flash would be the perfect nickname, but for a completely different reason; it was the perfect nickname because he was gone in the flash.

Once again, similar to my experience with the Dog Whisperer, I am left with very little explanation for his change of heart. At least this time I did get an email with a vague explanation this time; it was cryptic, but an explanation nonetheless.

But there are still unanswered questions. I know I just have to accept the fact that it will never make sense. It is not logical for a guy to go from saying "I miss you" in an email to inviting you to join him on a night out with friends to just disappearing, all in a span of days. My frustration with the situation is further increased by the fact that we had this whole conversation on our 2nd date about how he could tell that I had some walls up and how he hoped I'd let them down for him. I guess I never expected someone with the sensitivity to discuss walls and the vulnerability of dating to add a few more layers of bricks to those walls.

But I am letting it go. Does it hurt? Definitely. Am I disappointed that I've hit another dead end? Without a doubt. Did I give myself permission to wallow a bit and cry? You bet. Quite a bit, actually. I know our time together was brief, but it still hurts to see it come to an end as I was really excited about this guy.

But now - I am moving forward. I will not look back and re-play the great dates in my mind. I will not go back and re-read his emails. I can gain absolutely nothing from looking back at the chain of events through a microscope - clearly, he is not worthy of any more of my time, thoughts, tears, or emotions.

What I wonder about is this: I have been thinking lately about how doing things like training for a marathon sort of breaks your body down so it can be built back up and be even stronger as a result. But is the same true when it comes to the heart? Does the fact that I have had my heart broken over and over mean that it gets stronger? Does it increase my capacity to love? I guess I am wondering how many more times I can weather these disappointments and come out on the other side, still able to open my heart for another man.

I guess that question will remain unanswered for now. In the mean time, I am focusing on all of the wonderful things I have to look forward to in the next 6 months. Things like a mini-blogger reunion this weekend with some fabulous girls. Things like meeting up with Amber to run the Portland Marathon in October. Things like going to Paris for 8 days to celebrate my Birthday in February.

I will not pretend that I don't yearn to find my Mr. Right. As my friend Nora says, "The heart wants what the heart wants." But I think the best way to find him is to keep doing the things I love. To keep seeking out new experiences. To keep working on becoming the best version of myself.

It's not easy and there are definitely days where I feel like I will never find him. But I have no choice than to forge ahead.

And at least I am one more frog closer to my prince.

I'll close with a stanza of a song from Sarah McLachlan's newest album which really speaks to how I am feeling right now...

Oh I wanna learn,
I wanna know
Will our history crush us
or can we let it go?
I'm not the girl I was
but what have I become?
I'm not so willing anymore to bend
Still pleasing and conceding
But I'm not gonna lose myself again

~ Excerpt from Awakenings by Sarah McLachlan

Match Maker, Match Maker, Make Me a Match

On Cup of Jo yesterday, Joanna featured an article about a mom who started a website to find a match for her adult son. Pretty unconventional, interesting, and a little bit hilarious, right?

It got me thinking - would I trust my mom to pick out a date or two or twenty for me?

The answer is yes.

I am not talking about an arranged marriage here, but I do think that my mom could pick out a suitable potential match for me. After all, she's watched me date for 10+ years. She knows what works and doesn't work. She knows what types I am attracted to. She understands that I am a bit on the melodramatic side (ahem, like crying on the phone about a cartwheeled induced ankle injury), so she understands what kind of personality a boyfriend would need to balance my high strung side.

Now, this blog post isn't a plea for my mom to put on her match making hat. For now I would like to retain control of that corner of my life. But it was interesting to think about.

On the other hand, I am not sure how I would feel about being set up with a guy by HIS mom. I feel like that would scream 'momma's boy' and I am not sure if I could date a guy like that... It just makes me think of the Sex and the City episode when the Jewish women at Charlotte's synagogue are trying to set her up with their sons and it goes miserably... (I feel like any and every situation in life can someone be related back to SATC, by the way...)

What do you think, dear readers? Would you trust your parents' match making or do you think they'd fail miserably at finding a suitable match for you? If someone wanted to set you up with their son, would you be open to that?

Ghost Town

Lately, I have been feeling like I live in a ghost town. The ghosts I am encountering are not of the "Casper-the-Friendly-Ghost" persuasion.

No, these are the ghosts of relationships past.

Now, when I accepted my job at The Chariot, I knew that I was going to be working closely with The Charioteer. I've gotten used to seeing him on a daily basis. Do I love the fact that when I stand up in my cube, I look directly into his cube? Eh, not so much.

I also knew I'd occasionally see The Deux. We don't see each other all that frequently since he works two floors above me. I actually haven't seen him much since the whole Two Exes and a Wedding experience. Which is nice - I mean, a girl can only handle so many run-ins with her exes right?

Well, I clearly hadn't hit my quota for June.

Let me set the scene for you. I had just finished a hot, sweaty 6 mile run with my running group on Sunday morning and decided to treat myself to a post-run iced tea. So I pretty much couldn't have looked worse. I walk towards the coffee shop and see a guy entering the store and think - hmm, that guy looks familiar. He turns back and I realize - oh wait, that's the freaking Dog Whisperer. Remember him? The guy I dated last fall who basically stood me up one night and then proceeded to fall off the face of the earth ?

We both pretended not to notice each other and he exited out of the back of the store, so luckily we didn't have to exchange words.

Even though he was such an insignificant person in my life, it still rattled my cage to see him. My heart was racing and my hands were shaking as I handed over my debit card to pay for my drink. And I was cursing the fact that he saw me looking like that - and not in a cute, summer dress, sans post-workout sweat.

As I was driving home, I thought of a quote from the lovely Carrie Bradshaw. It's from the episode where she sees Aidan at the Grand Opening of Steve's Bar:

“New York is definitely haunted. Old lovers, ex-boyfriends, anyone you have unresolved issues with you are bound to run into again and again until you resolve them.”

I know having a brief encounter with an old flame is not a big deal. I know I will never get closure or an explanation for his Houdini disappearance. And that is fine. It just makes me feel like maybe my city is getting just a little bit too small sometimes.

Lesson learned - no more post-run beverages at this coffee shop.

Do you ever feel like your world is becoming smaller? Maybe it's in a good way and you run into people you want to see. Maybe it's in a not-so-good way and you run into old boyfriends or friends you've grown apart from?

Adventures in Awkwardness: Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Two Exes and a Wedding

Last week, unbeknownst to me, I had relocated to a little land called Denial.

I was trying to use the power of positive thinking to talk myself out of the fact that going to a wedding with my 2 exes wouldn't be awkward. I thought with the right dress and the right attitude, the evening would be fun.

I had positive interactions with both exes in the weeks leading up to the wedding. In fact, I had thought that The Charioteer had grown and changed quite a bit in the last 4 years since we dated. Since we started working together about 2 months ago, it had seemed like we were on the pathway of renewing our friendship. So I had envisioned an evening of great conversation and laughter.

Saturday night was a heavy, heavy dose of reality.

For those of you who have seen (500) Days of Summer, the evening reminded me of this scene:




The evening was a reminder of why I am no longer dating either of these two men. I was reminded of how much work it was to carry on a conversation with The Charioteer. And how one-sided those conversations tended to be. I felt more alone sitting next to The Charioteer in a room full of people than I would have felt had I been sitting in a room by myself.

That is not a good feeling.

I kept the tears at bay until I got in the car for the 3+ hour drive home. Parts of that drive were spent in tears. Tears of sadness. Tears of frustration over how, all these years later, these exes still get to me. Tears of fear that it will never be my turn to say "I do".

After a couple of phone conversations with a couple of great girlfriends and some encouraging Blackberry messages from my mom (I love that my mom bbms!), I felt more calm and centered.
As difficult as this was, I probably needed this dose of reality. The human mind has an amazing ability to forget pain and discontent; I had started to forget why I chose not to be with these 2 men. I had started to forget about the qualities they both possess that make them such poor matches for me.

The chapter of the book of these two men was finished long ago, but it warranted a re-read.

Whenever I start to feel despair about my future and wonder how I will ever find my way to my Mr. Right, I keep those feelings at bay by focusing on a bible verse that my grandma emailed to me shortly after my break-up with The Deux (yes, my 80-something grandma emails - how cool is that?):

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11

So for now I will go on living my life, focusing on the things that make me happy. Focusing on becoming the best possible version of myself. Focusing on believing that he is out there.

Dress Rehearsal

While I do love living alone, there is one thing I miss about having a roommate... or 41 like I did when I lived in Delta Gamma during my college years.

I miss having a roommate to help me with outfit selections!

Can you imagine living with 41 other women? It was actually surprisingly peaceful much of the time, and you always had someone to go to for an honest critique of an outfit - or someone to borrow an outfit from if need be.

So here is where I turn to you, my trusted readers, and ask you for your honest opinion! I am leanings towards one of the following dresses/ensembles but would love to get your opinion!

You can read more details about the wedding I will be attending here, or here is the cliff notes recap:
- It's the wedding of a co-worker
- The wedding is in Iowa
- The only other people I will know, besides the groom, are my two ex-boyfriends, one of which is bringing his new girlfriend

Here are my 4 options. Please disregard my hair & make-up - these pictures were taken after a long day of work!

Option #1: Flirty Black Dress

Pros: It's super comfy and has a flattering neckline. And it has pockets (why can't every dress have pockets?)
Cons: Due to the fullness of the skirt/the way it's cut, if it's windy on Saturday, I run the risk of flashing everyone while walking to & from the car.



Option #2: Classic Black Dress

Pros: It's a simple, classic look that I could dress up with the right accessories.
Cons: Hillary Rodham Clinton called and she wants the shell of her sisterhood-of-the-traveling-suit back.

Option #3: Navy J.Crew Dress

Pros: The picture isn't great for this one since I am slouching my shoulders, but it is flattering when you see it in person. And it also has pockets!
Cons: Similar to dress #2, it's also a bit on the work-wear side.

Outfit #4: White Pants & Graphic Print Top Combo

Pros: If the reception is on the cool side, I won't freeze like I might in the other dress options (I get cold really easily). Also, I like the cut of the top, although I look like I am rocking a bit of a farmer's tan... Yikes!
Cons: May be a bit too casual - although keep in mind this wedding is in the Midwest where the dress code is a bit more relaxed at weddings compared to what you would see in larger cities.

Well, what do you think? I'll be back tomorrow to let you know what my final decision is!

Adventures in Awkwardness: Chapter 1

I am always telling people that I feel like my life could be a screenplay for a dorky ABC Family movie. I just feel like I have more than my share of awkward encounters - especially when it comes to dating. So today I am kicking off a new blog post series called, "Adventures in Awkwardness." I'm excited to share some of my stories with you! They were all somewhat traumatic when they occurred, but with time I have been able to see the humor in them.

Today's story actually hasn't occurred yet, but it's a scenario that has the makings for complete and utter awkwardness. Without further ado, here goes.

One of my co-workers is getting married in Iowa over Memorial Day weekend. He's been a good friend to me so I feel that it's important to go to this wedding.

But here's the thing. The only other guests I will know are my 2 two ex-boyfriends.

I will most likely be sitting at a table with The Charioteer (ex-bf that sits 6 cubes away) and Deux (ex-bf that sits 2 floors above me).

Holy awkward. The Charioteer & Deux are friends, but I don't know if that makes it less awkward or more awkward? And I think Deux might bring his new girlfriend.

I am almost tempted to place a "SWF seeks Wedding Date" personal add, a la the movie Wedding Date.

I mean, if someone could guarantee that a Dermot Mulroney look alike would show up at my door as a result of placing said ad, I'd be all for it.

But most likely, I'd be the victim of the next Craigs List murderer or something like that.

So I will suck it up, attend solo, and find one hell of a dress to wear. In fact, I am doing a little 'fashion show' at my best friend's house next week so she can help me select the perfect outfit. And we are going to get manicures together... Is it shallow that I want to make sure I look really good?

I'm sure I'll share a recap of how it all went sometime in June. I am crossing my fingers that it doesn't turn out to be as awkward as I am imaging it!

A guest post, 4.28, and other deal breakers

Happy Wednesday, everyone.

First things first - have you ever wondered why I fell head over heels for Paris? If so, then head over to my friend Amber's blog - I did a guest post about Paris over there today! Amber arrives in Paris today. Oo la la I am so envious! I told her to give my love to the city that captured my heart!

Today is a day on my calendar filled with many celebrations. It's my oldest brother & his wife's 9th Wedding Anniversary! I tried to find some pictures to scan in from their wedding but the photos must be tucked away in storage! Today is also one of my college friend's 30th birthday's. I'll be joining her tonight to raise a drink in celebration! That will be me in just under a year. Yikes! Time to get going on that 30 before 30 list! I'll be posting an update on it around the 3 month mark, which is just over a week away!

Click here for a little refresher on how I feel about the date, April 28th. Long story short - me and men born on April 28th are just not compatible. 2 of my significant ex-boyfriends were born on 4/28/81. What are the chances?

Everyone seems to have a 'deal breaker' list of some sort. Well, having a Birthday on 4/28 is sort of a deal breaker. Ok, maybe I would make an exception if I really, really liked the guy. But most likely, if I find out he was born on 4/28 - syonara, nice to know you. Let's skip all the heart ache and just go our separate ways.

It's a unique date screening strategy, don't you think?

What are/were some of your dating deal breakers? In addition to the 4/28 birthday thing, smoking and treating the wait staff poorly are all on my deal breaker list...

The Music of Your Life

Good Morning and Happy Tuesday, readers! I am interrupting my usual "10 on Tuesdays" post to participate in the Blogger Book Club "Music of Your Life" post. My 10 on Tuesday will become 10 on Thursday this week. Look at how flexible I am! Ha (side note - I am sort of not a very flexible person when it comes to schedules)

Music has always been a big part of my life. I started taking piano lessons at age 6 - although at that point my older brother had already started to sort of teach me. He also taught me how to read. And drive. Maybe he can teach me write html code? He's a computer genius, I am a computer moron. But that's a topic for a whole other post.

Do you remember my "Song Remembers When" post? As I said in that post, hearing a song from my past really triggers memories and brings me back to a certain phase of my life - be it high school, college, a relationship, or a friendship. In Firefly Lane, each section of the book was titled with a popular song in Tully & Kate's life.

If I were to make a "Music of My Life" CD, here is what would be included:

Elementary/Junior High Years:
1. I think We're Alone Now by Tiffany

2. To Be With You by Mr. Big

3. Straight Up by Paula Abdul

* These 3 songs remind me of afternoons spent sitting on the floor of my grade school best friend's bedroom, listening to songs we had recorded on tapes off of the radio. I also remember awkwardly slow dancing to To Be With You at a 4H dance with a boy that I had a crush on from 1st grade through senior year. Yes, I was in 4H.

High School Years:
4. All My Life by K-C and Jo Jo - Prom song, junior year

5. A Long December by Counting Crows

6. Black Balloon by Goo Goo Dolls

7. Great Balls of Fire by Jerry Lee Lewis - my High School boyfriend got up on stage and played the keyboard part of this song the night of our junior prom. There is a great keyboard solo in that song & Brian ROCKED it. He was and still is a very talented musician!

College Years:
8. Like a Prayer by Madonna - This is a Delta Gamma theme song!

9. #41 by Dave Matthew Band

10. Murder on the Dance Floor by Sophie Ellis Bextor - this song was HUGE in Australia when I studied abroad. Never really seemed to take off in the US.

Post-Collegiate Years:
11. Shoot the Moon by Norah Jones - I remember listening to this song while waiting for my plane in the Santiago, DR airport with tears rolling down my face, knowing I was going to be breaking up with my 6-cubicles-away ex-boyfriend (who will now be referred to as The Charioteer) in the next week. 10 days away from him had given me clarity. We broke up 3 days later.

12. Resolution by Nick Lachey - I ran many, many laps around Lake Harriet listening to this song (and the entire album) when I was trying to get over The Charioteer. Nick wrote this post-Jessica so it might be the most depressing music. Ever. Perfect for wallowing. Did you know you can wallow AND run at the same time?

13. Careful by Guster - 2-floors-above-me ex-boyfriend (who will now be referred to as Deux) loved this band. I think Guster was playing every time he came to pick me up for a date. He also could play this song on this guitar.

14. The Luckiest by Ben Folds - I adore this song. If I ever get married, I would possibly have this as my first dance with my husband. You know, if he didn't hate it. But how could you? It's lovely.




I could go on and on, but I'll stop with 14. What songs would you include on the soundtrack of your life?

The Ex Files

Earlier this week, I was reading a post written by Rachel of MWF Seeking BFF about finding friendships in the work place. It got me thinking about relationships in the work place.

Here's the thing. I work 6 cubes away from my ex boyfriend.

Yep, 6 cubes. That is close. Really freaking close.

We met when working together back in 2005, started dating when he moved onto a new department, and broke up in the spring of 2006.

Aside from a few Happy Birthday emails, we hadn't spoken for 3 years - until I started my job in his department last week.

Since it had been so long since we'd spoken, I wasn't sure what to expect. But we actually had a really great conversation. We've both grown and changed over the 4 years so I think a friendship of some sort is possible. At a minimum, we'll be mature adults, put our past behind us, and have a proper working relationship.

I've learned my lesson - dating in the work place usually isn't a good idea.

So I have sworn off of it.

But my best friend Brooke thinks otherwise. Last week at book club, she bet me a mani and a pedi that I will marry a fellow Chariot employee.

We'll see who wins! I'm very confident that I will!

Have you ever dated a co-worker? How did it work out for you?

An Afternoon Date

I had the perfect afternoon date yesterday.

Don't get too excited - it wasn't with a potential boyfriend. It was with my nephew! I am still waiting for the background check and fingerprints to go through, so I had the day off & decided to spend the afternoon with my nephew. He will be 5 in June and was really the perfect date. He said please and thank you. He made me laugh. He gave me a hug at the end of the date. Now if only all of my dates were this wonderful!

For our afternoon date, we:

• enjoyed a leisurely lunch at Chipotle.


• read 10+ books at Barnes & Noble.


• treated ourselves to some ice cream. Andrew had vanilla with sprinkles. I had a berry yogurt. Mmm.

It was a delectable day. Nothing lifts my spirits like hanging around my nephews. I got to see 3 of 4 of them last weekend when I was in the Chicago area celebrating Easter. Unfortunately, I forgot my camera so don't have any photos to share! :( Total fail. I am usually the family photographer paparazzi.

I once again forgot my camera today but captured this photo on my blackberry. Isn't he j'adorable?

I think he's going to be quite popular with the ladies when he's old enough to date!

But let's get back on the topic of dates. Good Lord, it has been a long time since I've been on a date. Can't imagine why. I mean, it's not like I have been busy or anything. Ahem. Luckily at my new job, I will work much more reasonable hours. So I am actually in the position to meet someone.

I actually would love to repeat my Andrew date with a grown man. What are the chances of me finding a man who is 30-35, loves Chipotle, books, and ice cream? Oh, and he should also say please/thank you, and make me laugh.

I like non-traditional dates like afternoons at a bookstore. Dinner and a movie is just not my style. I think it's a great date once you are in an established relationship. But when you are just getting to know each other, it's not an ideal date in my opinion. Plus, you are bringing on the whole awkwardness of whether or not to hold hands (boy do I have an awkward non-date date hand holding story to tell you some other time!).

If I had the opportunity to plan a date, my suggestion would be to go to this local restaurant called Chatterbox Pub. They stock all these great games - from Trivial Pursuit to Sorry to Operation. And if you really want to take a trip down memory lane, you can even rent an Atari!! Or a more recent gaming system. How cool is that? I think a couple of cocktails and a friendly game of Connect 4 would be a fun, easy going date.

So now I just need a handsome, respectful, book-loving 30 something to come along!

What is your ideal date? If you are married, what did you do on your first date with your significant other?