Chapter 2: Two Exes and a Wedding
Last week, unbeknownst to me, I had relocated to a little land called Denial.
I was trying to use the power of positive thinking to talk myself out of the fact that going to a wedding with my 2 exes wouldn't be awkward. I thought with the right dress and the right attitude, the evening would be fun.
I had positive interactions with both exes in the weeks leading up to the wedding. In fact, I had thought that The Charioteer had grown and changed quite a bit in the last 4 years since we dated. Since we started working together about 2 months ago, it had seemed like we were on the pathway of renewing our friendship. So I had envisioned an evening of great conversation and laughter.
Saturday night was a heavy, heavy dose of reality.
For those of you who have seen (500) Days of Summer, the evening reminded me of this scene:
The evening was a reminder of why I am no longer dating either of these two men. I was reminded of how much work it was to carry on a conversation with The Charioteer. And how one-sided those conversations tended to be. I felt more alone sitting next to The Charioteer in a room full of people than I would have felt had I been sitting in a room by myself.
That is not a good feeling.
I kept the tears at bay until I got in the car for the 3+ hour drive home. Parts of that drive were spent in tears. Tears of sadness. Tears of frustration over how, all these years later, these exes still get to me. Tears of fear that it will never be my turn to say "I do".
After a couple of phone conversations with a couple of great girlfriends and some encouraging Blackberry messages from my mom (I love that my mom bbms!), I felt more calm and centered.
As difficult as this was, I probably needed this dose of reality. The human mind has an amazing ability to forget pain and discontent; I had started to forget why I chose not to be with these 2 men. I had started to forget about the qualities they both possess that make them such poor matches for me.
The chapter of the book of these two men was finished long ago, but it warranted a re-read.
Whenever I start to feel despair about my future and wonder how I will ever find my way to my Mr. Right, I keep those feelings at bay by focusing on a bible verse that my grandma emailed to me shortly after my break-up with The Deux (yes, my 80-something grandma emails - how cool is that?):
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." ~ Jeremiah 29:11
So for now I will go on living my life, focusing on the things that make me happy. Focusing on becoming the best possible version of myself. Focusing on believing that he is out there.
27 comments:
I think it says a lot that you put on your fabulous outfit and went with your head held high. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fun but you didn't let them keep you from going to something that you really wanted to attend.
They are not worthy of you. They are the ones who lost out. You are quite the catch! You are right to hold onto the knowledge that he is out there, you just haven't met him yet!
I am sorry the situation sucked, but you wrote this as eloquently and as gracefully as I am sure you dealt wth the siuation. That is a great Bible verse, and one that more of us should keep in mind when life gets a little crazy!
Im so sorry this weekend sucked Lisa. I have had those car drives home where i was crying from frustration. I am sure that the perfect man is out there somewhere and God does have a plan for you! Just when you least expect it, he will show up! Keep your head up girl! You are an amazing person!
First off - I am proud of you for handling such a diffecult situation with such grace and class. That was not an easy place to be, and you took it on.
Wow to the wisdom that Grandma gave you! This is very true. There is a plan for you - as we've discussed many times. But, that doesn't discount your frustration. It has to be very difficult. Just know that there is a wonderful plan, you are a beautiful/smart woman with an wonderful and caring personality!!
And you're right, thank God you're not with the Charioteer or Deux anymore! You should again be proud that you didn't put up with that while dating them. Some people put up with it, accept it, and settle for poor relationships. And the result is unhappiness and regret.
Hang in there, Lisa! I love you so much!! Have a great week back.
I'm glad you have realised that you are too good for them, and that you don't match. That it happened in such an upsetting sort of way is really sad though.
You are right to wait for a good match. you only get one go at life, messing it up with the wrong people is a bad plan! x
Oh sweetie, this says so much about how strong you are as a person. It takes strength to recognise the things we do to make ourselves "comfortable" (like denial - you're right, the human mind is an expert at forgetting the bad things) and also the reality of situations sans rose-coloured glasses. I'm sorry it was so awkward, but the experience sounds like God's reminder as to why those people are not in your life any more - because you deserve so much better. Just keep trusting in His plan and know this is all part of the journey to where you're meant to be, and the wonderful person you're meant to be with <3
Ugh, I'm sorry it was so hard and akward - I'm giving you a virtual hug right now! I love that verse in Jeremiah - He does know the plans He has for you!!!
I just want to reach through the screen and give you a big hug. I am sorry that things didn't work out and it was so awkward. The Universe has such huge plans for you Lisa. Just remember to keep an open heart.
I truly think there is no greater feeling of loneliness than when you feel lonely sitting with the person you are supposed to love. Having realized that, your heart will be open for the feelings of joy and companionship you deserve when you find the one!
Sorry to hear that the evening didn't go as you had planned. Look on the positive side- even though the conversation sucked...you looked fabulous while having it!
Hang in there! It really does say a lot about your char and you have always been and will always be the bigger person. There is a lot about you to be admired. Know that there is also a prince out there wondering where is his princess. XXX
Expectations vs. reality is tricky business. I totally know what you mean - I've gone into a lot of situations with high expectations and been disappointed. It sucks.
I'm so sorry the night was so crappy for you :( But I'm glad you are keeping it in perspective! He IS out there, you'll see :) XO
Re: your comment on my weekend post...Great job on the 10 mile run this weekend!! Seriously I dont even think i could run ten miles right now! that is awesome!
He is out there somewhere. It is pretty sucky to have one sided conversations where you just feel like you'd rather be talking to a wall or something. You'll be stronger from those moments. Just glad you have the mentality to simply move on and know that the right thing is waiting for you.
Awww, I'm sorry going to the wedding of a friend was so difficult for you. Weddings do funny things to people - and having to go through that experience with two exes sounds pretty awful to me. I don't blame you for those feelings bubbling to the top - it just happens.
But, man, I hope you don't let two ex-boyfriends bring you down. I mean, who cares about two dudes in your past. You realize why you're not with them and the key is to live by the lessons you learned from lives past. There is definitely someone out there for you ... it's just a matter of crossing paths at the right time.
Lisa, Before I got married, I thought the same thing... "when's it gonna be meeee? When is it MY turn to fall in love and be married?" Oh, I was depressed pretty wicked...
And one day, things clicked. And less than a year later, when we got married, we had the first few passages of Song of Solomon 3 recited at our wedding...
All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.
2 I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.
3 The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
"Have you seen the one my heart loves?"
4 Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go
till I had brought him to my mother's house,
to the room of the one who conceived me.
I know this probably doesn't make you feel better, but I look at that passage now and think... "hunh, there was a plan all along..."
I'm so glad I could be there for you post-wedding and that you thought of me. I know how tough these situations can be, but I swear, you get best-wedding-attendee prize for the year for going and enduring. You're a tough, strong, beautiful, fabulous women. Men are foolish not to snap you up. Focusing on the positive is all you can do, something I know you can and will do well with =)
I'm sorry. It sounds like this situation was a tough way to put people into perspective, but you handled it well. Isn't it funny how, when we re-meet an ex, the bad/incompatible qualities LEAP out at us? I often wonder how I didn't see them the first time until...oh...months later!
Why do you call your ex "The Charioteer?" How long did you date him?
Oh, Lisa I know I exactly how you feel. Exactly. I wish the fear of it not happening wasn't there. Why can't we be like guys? They never seem to worry about it. Sometimes I think they have the right idea , but I just can't make myself be like them or think like them.
I love that Bible verse and will probably go back to it for comfort several times as well.
Oh sweetie, it sounds like a seriously rough night. I'm so sorry! Those challenges are never fun to face, but as frustrating as it was, those confrontations with other people are always a good reminder of why they aren't in your life and how you made the right choice.
Weddings are such emotionally charged events, but it sounds like you handled it in the best way- being there for your friend and then taking all the time you need to regroup. <3
Sheesh - we seem to be in the same boat. The wedding was I just in, my ex was also in. Actually we were together at the time (again). But now broken up (again). I have been to 3 weddings so far this spring. All of them younger than I. I feel the same... when will I be in that position?
I love that Bible verse!
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers!
Some of the best lyrics ever written!
i teared up reading your post because i've been there so many times, and it sucks! i totally agree with what someone else said..go for you for actually going. i probably would not have even gone. my advice would be to find peace in that bible verse, because it's so true! and be happy that you aren't with either of those guys anymore..they obviously aren't good enough for you!
Oh man :( It's rough enough dealing with ONE ex but two in one night? YOU are a trooper. And it is totally normal to feel all weird and emotional afterwards - I hate that. I'm happily in love with someone new but every time I have to see my Ex it always messes with my head a little.
But you definitely have the right idea just concentrating on yourself until Mr. Right comes along (and he WILL, just have faith) Take this time to do everything and anything that makes you happy!
:)
Lisa, I know we are only bloggie friends, but you are super special. You have to remember and believe that about yourself. People connect with you - people that have never met you connect with you. That's something that not just anyone can say or do.
I've had encounters with exes or old crushes and I use that time as something that confirms that I'm on the right path for me. Those relationships wouldn't have worked for different reasons. I think the thing that is hard about people and exes is that there are always qualities that you like and really want for "the one" to have...the only thing is that they don't have everything you need, or have some large deal breaker. Sometimes it is hard to remember the deal breaker...it is easy to remember what we want to remember. The ideal of someone and the reality can be totally different.
Just keep being the truest version of yourself and that will attract the person you need and want. You are amazing! Just have faith and let yourself go.
Oh no - I was hoping that you were gonna have a great time out that evening. I think you should be hugely proud of yourself for going, and going with a great attitude. Even if it didn't turn out great.
And I love that verse from the bible - I'd never read it before, but it's sooo true! Hang in there - there's definitely a wonderful, fun, caring, book-loving guy out there for you!
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