10 Year Later - Remembering a Life Changing Experience

I'm ending this week with a heavy post, but a post that is very important for me to share, as it was an event that has shaped my life.

10 years ago today, I was at work on a Saturday, counting down the hours until I could go home when my mom called and tearfully told me that my cousin Chris had taken his life. I remember sitting at work and sobbing over this news. I knew of others whose lives had been touched by suicide but nothing can prepare you for having it impact your own life. There are no words to describe the sadness my extended family felt over the loss of a great young man, or how helpless we felt as we watched his immediate family deal with this tremendous loss.

I will never forget the homily that the priest gave at Chris's funeral. He talked about how Chris was going through some difficult things and he asked each person in the congregation to stand up if they would have been willing to talk to Chris and help him through the difficulties he was struggling with. It was overwhelming to watch every single person in that huge, packed church rise to their feet. The priest then told the congregation to look around and to remember that we are never alone and that there are always people who care and are willing to help you out in your time of need.

The message from that homily has stayed with me, and will always stay with me. In my 20s, I went through a period of depression. It was a difficult stage of my life. There were some pretty dark moments and times where I felt such a sense of despair. But through it all, I remembered that I was never alone. That homily message and the memory of seeing hundreds of people rise to their feet gave me something to look back on to remind myself that I was not and will never be alone. Luckily the period of depression is behind me and I am in a much better place now, but that message will always stay with me.

I've moved 5 times in the last 10 years, but after each move, the picture of Chris that the family sent out in the thank you cards after the funeral goes on the top corner of my fridge. 

It is a reminder to never forget this dear person that we lost. It is a reminder of the lessons I learned through his passing. It is a reminder that we are never alone and that there is a sea of people who care.

A Year Ago

Happy Friday, everyone!  We made it through another week.  Woo hoo.  I fly to NYC today and fly home for Christmas a week from today so have lots of good things to pull me through the month of December.

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but it seems to bring out a sense of nostalgia.  We think back on holiday seasons from our childhood.  We keep traditions alive that we've established with our family and friends.  There is a sense of anticipation for the celebration of another holiday, but my feelings during this season are closely tied to Christmases past.

Lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about what was happening in my life a year ago.  And to be quite honest, looking back is apt to bring tears to my eyes.  And not happy tears.  I think about how a year ago I was living in a city I love, working for a boss I trusted. I had ample friends at work and people on my team that I trusted.  I loved the condo where I was living and had plenty of room to host friends and family.  I had been dating Phil for 2 months.  I was excited to celebrate our first Christmas together and we attended his Christmas party together a year ago tomorrow.  

Flash forward a year, and it's all changed.  I live in Charlotte now.  I work with a new team where I feel like an outsider.  I have this smaller apartment that I don't particularly like, in a complex that I am not pleased with due to things like the fact that I've had my door banged on by drunks at 3 in the morning or have had to file a noise complaint due to the ridiculous level of noise on weekend nights. 

I want to go back in time to the life I had a year ago.  I want to be at a place where I can say, for the most part, that I really love my life.  I'm approaching the one year anniversary of finding about my move to Charlotte and while some think I should be encouraged by the fact that over 8 months have passed since I moved here, all I feel is discouraged.  I know where I want to end up in 2014, but I don't see a path that will lead me there.  My head spins with details such as the expense of flying back for interviews, my non-compete clause and how that will impact my ability to negotiate a job offer, lease breaking fees, and how I will ensure I don't have a gap in insurance as going without insurance is no longer an option thanks to my $2,000/month RA drug. 

This is supposed to be the most happy time of the year, and I feel like most around me are so excited for the holiday season.  And don't get me wrong, I am excited to return home to celebrate Christmas with my family.  I just wish I could chase away these feels of sadness and stress that are hanging over me and won't seem to go away. 

I'm hoping that I can shove these feelings to the side and truly enjoy my trip home next week, but it's easier said than done.  I'm hoping that once I can start to actively look for jobs, I'll feel more in control and optimistic about the path my life will take in 2014.  But right now 2014 is so full of uncertainty.  And that is very hard for me. 

So this is where I am at right now.  I'm sad and sick of Charlotte and oh so ready for this chapter of my life to be behind me.  I know I posted a wish list last week but all I want for Christmas is a job back in the Midwest and a timeline for when I can return home, which is something that Santa, nor anyone else, can provide.  I'm trying to believe that it will all work out, but it's hard. 

But here's hoping that a year from now, I am preparing to celebrate Christmas back in the Midwest and can look back on this holiday season and say that my Charlotte experience is firmly in the past.

The State of My Single Union

As I mentioned in my recap post earlier this week, I read the book “Single State of the Union” last month.  It’s a collection of essays written by single women - they focus on various aspects of their life:  careers, child rearing, living alone, traveling, etc.  It was nice to read the thoughts/reflections of women whose lives more closely mirror mine.  Living in the Midwest where people tend to marry in their 20s (like my siblings and all of my college friends have) I don't have a lot of people in my life who have similar lifestyles or have been in my shoes.  I am not complaining, it is just a fact of life that most of the people that surround me have found their life partners - and I am so happy that they have!

When reading that book, I couldn’t help but think what I would say in an essay about my single life.  Right now, I can honestly say I am really happy with my life as it is.  I have a wonderful family, a great group of friends, a rewarding career, and a home that I adore.  I’ve pursued/am pursuing difficult endeavors, such as getting my MBA and working towards obtaining the CFA designation.  I’ve discovered the hobby of running, ran marathons and half marathons, and have met wonderful friends as a result.  I’ve had great adventures – trips to Paris, trips to British Columbia to meet up with other runners, trips to other cities to visit friends.

My goal in my late 20s was to get to a point where I was happy with the state of my life and didn’t feel like it was missing anything – I spent so much of my 20s waiting to meet someone so I could feel that sense of ‘completeness’.   Well, I’ve left that mindset behind, and I no longer yearn for someone to complete me – instead I hope to meet someone who will compliment my personality.  But that’s a topic for a whole other post.

So bottom line – yes I am happy on my own, and I could continue to live this life I am living and be happy.  But I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be disappointed if I never get married – because I would.  I’d like to share my life with someone and have the opportunity to have children, but if it doesn’t happen for me, I know I'll be ok.  Actually, I'll be more than ok - I'll still be happy.

Sometimes, though, I wonder if I was built for solitude.  Most of my interests are solitary pursuits (running, reading, knitting).  I feel comfortable living alone, traveling alone, eating alone, running alone. But there are still moments when I yearn for companionship - someone who will seek out great adventures and share in the inevitable burdens of life.  But at the same time, the thought of meeting someone almost exhausts me – and scares me.  I feel like I keep dating the same person, over and over again.  He has a different name and a different story, but the ending seems to be on repeat.  And while I try to hold onto hope that I might experience a different ending some day, after 16+ years of dating, it gets increasingly harder to believe that. And I begin to wonder if maybe I'm meant to be alone.

Of course, all of this pondering feels like a rhetorical question right now as my life is so not conducive to dating right now...  But it will be soon and I wonder if my attitude towards dating will shift or if this ambivalence towards dating will stick around.

So this is the state of my single union.  Happy. And trying really hard to remain hopeful.  I know that regardless of whether I ever meet someone, my life will be full of great adventures – and it will be full of love.

I'll close with the chorus of John Mayer's song, "Heart of Life", which perfectly sums up how I feel.

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

On Being Back

A couple of Fridays ago, the weather was cold enough to warrant the wearing of a winter jacket.  I scanned my collection of coats, picked the least dreary one, and headed out the door.  As I waited for my bus, I put my hands in my pockets to shield them from the cold wind. 

My left hand closed around a small piece of paper.  I pulled it out of my pocket to see what it was and found that it was the metro ticket from my return trip to the Paris airport.  Truthfully, my heart sort of sunk at bit as I pulled it out my pocket and looked at it.  Yes, I smile when I think of that trip, but I can't say I really smile all that much about being back in Minnesota.

This post has been brewing in my mind for awhile now.  It's been over 2 months since I returned from Paris and I keep waiting for the post-vacation blues to fade away.  It sure doesn't help that this has been an especially cold/dreary spring.  Spring is slowly making it's appearance, but it's taking it's sweet time.

I fully realize that my week in Paris does not = reality.  Living there would be much different than vacationing there.  I understand this.  I am not trying to figure out a way to move to Paris - I know that is not realistic or feasible at this time (hello, I do not speak French, that would be a bit of a problem).  So instead of fixating on Paris, I have asked myself this:  Aside from being in a beautiful, charming city, what did I love about that week in Paris?
 
The answer is this: I loved not driving.  I loved taking the metro everywhere. I loved going out to dinner and walking home afterwards. I loved shopping at the outdoor market and in smaller format grocery stores with 4 aisles instead of supermarkets with 10 aisles and a ridiculous assortment of processed foods.

So over the past 2 months, I've pondered changes I could make so that my lifestyle would be more similar to that week in Paris.  Here are some of the options I've mulled over, with differing levels of risk/change. 

Short-term Option:  Rent out my condo and move into an apartment downtown.  I am sure some people read that sentence and think:  Way to move backwards in life.  But here is the thing - I HATE LIVING IN SUBURBIA.  Hate it.  When I bought my condo 6 years ago, I NEVER thought I'd still be here.  I thought I'd live here for 3-5 years, build up some equity, and move on.  Then the real estate market crashed and I am now stuck with a condo worth less than 1/2 of what I paid for it.  I'm stuck with this place for now, but it doesn't mean I necessarily have to be stuck living here.  By moving downtown, I could walk to work (and say good bye to my 1.5 hour round trip commute to work).  I could dine out and walk home.  I'd have access to a lot of great running trails.  It would be easy to walk to a coffee shop and study for the CFA.  Right now I do almost all of my studying at my kitchen table, so I spent A LOT of time alone in an empty condo

Longer Term Option:  Look into moving to a larger city in the US, such as Chicago.  I need to establish some stability on my resume, so this isn't something I could do in the near future.  But in ~2 years, if my attitude about living in Minnesota has not changed, maybe it is time to move.  Especially if I am still single.  Trust me when I say Minneapolis is NOT a great place to live as a single person in your 30s.  If I moved to a larger city, I wouldn't feel like such a pariah.  And I could possibly get rid of my car and rely on public transportation (or at least drive it very rarely).  Of course, the possibility of this move assumes I can find a job, but I guess I will cross that bridge when/if I get to it.  Chicago is a viable option since I have a brother in the Chicago area, there are cheap flights to Minneapolis so visiting family would be easy/affordable, and my employer has a sales office there so I could possibly work out of that office.  Oh and Nora would be a relatively short drive away.  Lastly, Chicago has a really strong running culture, so by joining a running club, I could probably make friends somewhat easily. 

We'll see what the future holds for me.  I don't plan on making any quick/rash decisions.  I do feel a little better listing out my options, though - it gives me more of a feeling of control.  One of my pet peeves is when people complain and complain about something in their life, but do nothing about it.  I refuse to be one of those people.

Have you ever reached a point of your life where you recognized that you need to make a change in order to be more happy? 

Half of My Heart

Warning: bit of a heavier post to follow...

Let me just start off by saying that I sort of can't stand John Mayer. I was a little bit totally in love with him when he released his first CD. The song, "Why Georgia" totally transports me back to my senior year of college! However, the more successful he becomes, the less I like him. I think he's sort of the ultimate tool, actually.

That said - I do begrudgingly like his song, "Half of My Heart". Last month I watched the music video on the VH1 Top 20 Countdown... and was sort of intrigued. Have you seen it? If not, here it is...






So what is your interpretation? Did the bride call the wedding off? That is my assumption since we never see the bride, but I am not quite sure. Did the bride have a relationship with John Mayer? He pulls out that slip of paper with "Can't stop loving you" at the end - did he receive that from the bride?

Dang you, John Mayer, for intriguing me with your music video.

Switching gears, this video sparked a memory of a dream I had probably 5 years ago. It is a haunting dream... I dreamed that it was my wedding day, but everything was so last minute. I mean, I was selecting the music for the ceremony on the morning of the wedding!!! I am a bit of a planner so that is so out of character for me... The rest of the dream details are very blurry - with the exception of the end of the dream. I was standing outside of the church, alone, in my wedding dress. I knew in my heart that I couldn't go through with it, but I could see that the church was full of my closest family and friends. So I just kept walking back and forth along the sidewalk in front of the church, trying to find the courage to call the wedding off.

Worst. Feeling. Ever.

But is that feeling worse than actually going through with it and marrying a man that I know isn't the right one for me? No, that would be much worse.

It's sort of bizarre that I had this dream. I am not a commitment-phobe. I am not afraid of marriage. My parents, grandparents, and siblings have provided excellent examples of how wonderful marriage really is. I look forward to getting married some day.

But I tell you what - the feeling of dread/panic that I experienced in that dream? I guess I sort of keep that in the back of my mind when I am dating someone. What does this mean? While I do enjoy getting caught up in the excitement of falling in love, I try not to be blinded by love. I try to take a step back and ask myself,

"Could I marry this person?"

"Is this how my future husband should talk to me or treat me?"

Stepping back and asking myself these questions is what resulted in the end of my relationship with The Deux a couple of years ago. On paper, we had so much in common. He fit in well with my family. He loved going to my parents' cabin as much as I did. We had 80% of what it takes to have a successful, fulfilling relationship. But that other 20% that wasn't there would have made for a very unhappy marriage.

We are both good people, we just aren't good for each other.

It was scary when I ended that relationship. But what was scarier was the fact that, had he asked me to marry him eventually, I would have been that bride planning her wedding, doubting that he was the right person.

This spring, I had another dream about getting married*. This one was a happy one, though. I was walking down the aisle with my dad, towards my husband-to-be. I don't remember much else from the dream, except for one thing - the feeling of complete certainty, rightness, and excitement that I felt as I approached my groom.

I don't know if marriage is God's plan for me - I guess I will have to wait an see. But that feeling of certainty? That is what I look forward to.

Am I the only one who has had a heavy dream about marriage? Have you had a similar dream? Or are your dreams the "happily ever after" type? And don't forget to comment on your interpretation of the John Mayer video!!

* These are the only 2 dreams I can remember having about weddings... It's not like it's a recurring dream by any means... I thought I should clarify that, lest you think I am some wedding-obsessed psycho...