I Made It

When the world is breaking down around you
Taking everything that you know
What you didn't know
Is that we can go forever
If we want to we can live
Inside of a moment
The one that we own

Here I am on the eve of the day I will depart Charlotte.  I did it - I made it through my year+ of living in a place I didn't want to live.  Have you ever had an experience where you listen to an artist's album and feel like it was written for you?  That has been my experience when listening to Ingrid Michaelson's newest album, Lights Out, which I highly recommend.  Even though my mom isn't going to know a single song so probably won't enjoy listening to it as much as I will, that will be the first album we listen to on our way out of Charlotte.  I'm sprinkling lyrics from the song "Afterlife" throughout this post as they speak so well of how I feel as I prepare to leave Charlotte.

We are
We are going to be alright
We got
We got we always got the fight in us

We are
We are
We are going to live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow
'Cause we're the afterlife

I know it sounds melodramatic to say this, but there were times during this year in Charlotte where I really wondered if I was going to be alright.  It was a year of me treading water in a rough ocean, thinking, "for the love of God, would someone just throw me a life jacket."  I think it was particularly frustrating for my parents and close friends because they saw me struggling but they couldn't do anything to make it stop.  I've been on the other of this and know how hard it is to watch someone struggle and to feel unable to help them.

Living like you're dying
Isn't living at all
Give me your cold hands
Put them on my hearti
Raise a glass to everyone
Who thinks they'll never make it through
This life
To live a brand new start

The past 4 weeks have been healing for me.  I've let go of some of the sense of heaviness that I've been carrying around since last January when I found out about my move.  I feel happier, lighter, more free (for the most part... My frustration with my car accident has set me back a bit on the 'calm' front).  But I know that fully healing from this year of struggles, from my health issues to living in Charlotte to other challenges in my personal life, will not happen over night.  Or in 6 weeks.  Or maybe not even in a year. 

We are
We are going to be alright
We got
We got we always got the fight in us

We are
We are
We are going to live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow
'Cause we're the afterlife

Right now I want to metaphorically box up the experiences of the past year and put them behind a closed door, and lock that door.  I want to put them behind me and focus on the good times ahead of me.  I think one day I will want or need to take that box of memories and experiences out of that locked room and sort through them in order to completely move on from this year, but now is not the time for that. 

Every time I close my eyes
I hear your favorite song
Telling me not run
Not to worry anymore
I can't hold on tight
To nothing better than the rest
So it's now
Or never more

There will be nothing bittersweet about tonight, my last night in Charlotte.  Sure there are things I will miss about North Carolina, like the mountains, hiking, and the friends I've made here, but for the most part, I am just so happy and thankful that I get to close out this chapter of my life and start a new one. 

If it was legal to consume champagne while driving, my mom and I would be toasting as we pull away from Charlotte, but toasting our lattes/coffees will have to suffice.  So if you hear a faint shout of joy around 8 am EST tomorrow morning, that's the exclamation of joy I'll be making when Charlotte is in my rear view mirror.

Here's to new beginnings in a city I love!! 

A Final Parting "Gift" from Charlotte

Just when I think I couldn't possibly be more ready to leave Charlotte, this happened on Saturday.

I was backing out of a parking spot after having lunch with a friend and had stopped to pull forward when CRUNCH.  Apparently I was in the "blind spot" of a young woman who was driving her mom's SUV.   She clearly came out of her parking spot with gusto and speed given the extent of the damage she did.  This was not a minor tap, she rammed the hell out of my car.  *insert expletives of anger and frustration*

I've tried to be more positive lately now that I have a path out of Charlotte, but this?  THIS WAS THE LAST STRAW.  I AM SO DONE WITH THIS CITY.  Yes, ALL CAPS.

Do you know I have owned my car for over 11 years and have never been in an accident?  But 7 days before I am set to drive 1,100+ miles across the country, I get hit by a car.  It's the final parting gift from Charlotte.  An "actually, you don't like us, but we don't like you either so get the hell out of here" final kick in the gut. 

My car is drivable but my main concern is that the trunk might not open and close and CLEARLY I need to use my trunk when I move.  You know because a 4-door sedan does not have room in the backseat for 2+ weeks of my possessions + my mom's suitcase.  So instead of going to Asheville for one final hike today, I am going to stick around hell, I mean Charlotte, and deal with this.

My second concern is that the cost of the repairs will exceed the value of my car and they will opt to give me the value of my car versus fixing it.  I do not want this to happen because unlike the majority of the population, I don't want a new, shiny car.  I want my 2003 Accord that is 100% paid for. 

I know I am lucky I was not hurt, but dang it, this sucks and I did not NEED another thing to deal with/worry about right now.  I just hope and pray that her insurance company accepts liability and that they pay for the damages because my deductible is $1,000 if they don't accept liability.  I feel like I am bleeding money right now so don't need another expense.  The policeman who filed the accident report said that since I was at a stop when she hit me, it will be clear that she was at fault. 

And so the saga of shitty Charlotte experiences continues...  More fodder for the memoir about my time in the south that I might just have to write some day. 

My departure on Saturday morning just can not come fast enough.

From the Land of Ma'am: Hiking at South Mountain

Happy Friday!  I guess every day is like Friday for me right now...  don't hate me for saying that...  But in my defense, I really feel like I have earned every hour of this time off! I know that I will never have 5 weeks off again until I retire, which is like a bajillion years away, so I am trying to balance being productive/handling moving-related tasks with enjoying my time off.

Wednesday was an 'enjoying my time off' kind of day (but I also handled a huge move-related task which I'll talk about next week) as I went hiking at South Mountain State Park.  Shortly before I moved to Charlotte, a coworker who had lived here for 18 months gave me a list of hikes to check out.  But a week after I arrived here, I found out about my stress fracture and was not able to do much of anything.  But I held onto that scratched out list of hikes - just in case.  And luckily I am getting a chance to do some of them!  I started with the South Mountain hike because it was only 80-90 minutes from Charlotte so a very easy day trip for me.

The night before the hike, I was video chatting with my sister and told her how I was going hiking the next day.  She said - 'by yourself?' and I said of course.  She then asked if we had rattle snakes or other snakes in NC as that is something she has fears of encountering while hiking on her own and I was very dismissive and said, 'nah, I have never seen any on my other hikes.'

So imagine my anxiety when the first thing I see at the trail head is a sign warning hikers about the presence of rattle and copper head snakes.  #cuepanicattack

I am deathly afraid of snakes.  I couldn't even bring myself to read what the small print of this sign said because the pictures TERRIFIED ME.

But I gave myself a little pep talk and told myself that snakes would hear me and stay away.  I did a lot of random clapping and a little bit of singing to try to make all the snakes aware of my presence.  I didn't see any snakes, thank God, so I guess it worked (and made me look like a crazy lady probably).

The views along the trail were gorgeous and worth all the snake-anxiety.  I did 2 different trails - the first led to a waterfall and the views along the way were gorgeous.

Proof that I actually did this hike and did not steal these photos from the internet

 The first trail was not too tough, but there were a lot of stairs in one section so my legs definitely got a workout!

I tried to stop along the way as much as possible to soak in all the beauty.  Chances are I will never come back to this park so I took a lot of photos to capture this experience!

After completing the popular waterfalls hike, I did a more strenuous hike to a lookout area.  The terrain of this hike was more rough and steep, but the view at the end was worth it!!

I got to that look out point around lunch and ended up arriving there at the same time as this small group of 5 people who were all retired.  I sat down and ate the lunch I had packed and had a really good time conversing with them.  They gave me recommendations for other hikes to do in the area and we talked about things like the books Wild by Cheryl Strayed and Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer.  It was nice to have some social interaction.  But then they told me about a 5 foot long rattle snake they saw on a hike they did last spring and I almost had to plug my ears.  One of the women wanted to show me a picture but I managed to avoid having to look at photos of this monstrous snake. 

After that I headed back down the trail to my car as I had to get back Charlotte to attend to some business related to my move...  I'll share the details of that with you next week!

Have a great weekend, everyone!  I'm going to the National Whitewater Center tomorrow - not to white water raft (not my thing) but instead to do some of their ropes courses and zip lines with a former coworker.  It's another thing on my Charlotte bucket list!

Are you afraid of snakes?  I'm irrationally terrified of them.  I know this makes me a bit of a wimp but I am OK with that.  I basically can't handle any creatures like snakes, spiders, mice, rats, you name it. 

One Year

It's April 8th.

Do you know what that means?  That means that I survived my year in Charlotte and it means that if I was to find a job opportunity, I can now resign with no financial ramifications. I think back on the weekend that I moved to Charlotte, the endless tears that ran down my face when Phil dropped me off at the airport, the I'm-crying-so-hard-I-can't-talk conversations with my mom and Phil, the awful feeling when it really hit me that I was actually going to have to live in a place I didn't want to live, and I almost feel all the anguish all over again.There were certainly times that I questioned how I'd get through the year in one piece, but 365 days later, I'm still standing.
   
Am I the same person I was a year ago?  Absolutely not.  I am sure that friends and family who spend a decent amount of time around me would say I am quieter and more reserved.  I'm weary and less likely to laugh.  I feel like I've been in a holding pattern for the last year of my life and I've lost my sense of permanence, which is bound to wear on a person. 

My mind feels like it's always turning, obsessing over questions like: when will I move?  Will my company enforce my non-compete?  Will I get a relocation package?  How will I handled the gap in health insurance (going without is no longer an option thanks to my $2,500/month RA drug)? Where will I live when I move?  How much will the move cost me if I don't get a relocation package?  Have I saved enough?  Will I easily find a rheumatologist that I like? ... and the questions go on and on.  And thinking through all these questions is exhausting.  Not having answers to critical questions is difficult.  Not knowing where I will be living 1 or 3 or 6 months from now is an awful feeling for a planner like me.

When I look back on the past year, I see it as a year of survival.  A year of doing what I needed to do to make it through each week or month.  I know there are people who can go through difficult things and thrive in those situations, but I can't say that was the case for me.  I did not thrive in Charlotte.  And I'll never look back on this year and be thankful that I was moved to Charlotte - of that I am certain.  Yes, I've had great adventures, saw new places, visited familiar faces, but I'd give back all of those experiences to forgo the disruption of this move and be right back where I was in Minneapolis where I had built a life I loved.

While I am not the person I was before I found out about this move, I feel confident that I'll find her again.  I don't know how long it will take, but with time, I'll get back to being that happy, confident, positive person.  Living in a city I love, being surrounded by people who care about me, and being able to run will certainly help.

I have hit my year mark, but I am in Charlotte indefinitely until I can find a job back home.  So while hitting this milestone was an accomplishment, I still have a ways to go and until I have a job offer in hand, I won't really feel a true sense of relief that I can put this all behind me.  But I am hopeful that I will have a one-way ticket out of here in the near future.  It scares me to have hope because it opens myself up to disappointment if things don't turn out the way I'd like, but I'm still holding onto hope.

It's been a tough year, and while it's changed me and left a mark that will be tough to reverse, I still think the words from John Mayer's song, Heart of Life, hold true.

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

No it won't all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good

A Year Ago

Happy Friday, everyone!  We made it through another week.  Woo hoo.  I fly to NYC today and fly home for Christmas a week from today so have lots of good things to pull me through the month of December.

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but it seems to bring out a sense of nostalgia.  We think back on holiday seasons from our childhood.  We keep traditions alive that we've established with our family and friends.  There is a sense of anticipation for the celebration of another holiday, but my feelings during this season are closely tied to Christmases past.

Lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about what was happening in my life a year ago.  And to be quite honest, looking back is apt to bring tears to my eyes.  And not happy tears.  I think about how a year ago I was living in a city I love, working for a boss I trusted. I had ample friends at work and people on my team that I trusted.  I loved the condo where I was living and had plenty of room to host friends and family.  I had been dating Phil for 2 months.  I was excited to celebrate our first Christmas together and we attended his Christmas party together a year ago tomorrow.  

Flash forward a year, and it's all changed.  I live in Charlotte now.  I work with a new team where I feel like an outsider.  I have this smaller apartment that I don't particularly like, in a complex that I am not pleased with due to things like the fact that I've had my door banged on by drunks at 3 in the morning or have had to file a noise complaint due to the ridiculous level of noise on weekend nights. 

I want to go back in time to the life I had a year ago.  I want to be at a place where I can say, for the most part, that I really love my life.  I'm approaching the one year anniversary of finding about my move to Charlotte and while some think I should be encouraged by the fact that over 8 months have passed since I moved here, all I feel is discouraged.  I know where I want to end up in 2014, but I don't see a path that will lead me there.  My head spins with details such as the expense of flying back for interviews, my non-compete clause and how that will impact my ability to negotiate a job offer, lease breaking fees, and how I will ensure I don't have a gap in insurance as going without insurance is no longer an option thanks to my $2,000/month RA drug. 

This is supposed to be the most happy time of the year, and I feel like most around me are so excited for the holiday season.  And don't get me wrong, I am excited to return home to celebrate Christmas with my family.  I just wish I could chase away these feels of sadness and stress that are hanging over me and won't seem to go away. 

I'm hoping that I can shove these feelings to the side and truly enjoy my trip home next week, but it's easier said than done.  I'm hoping that once I can start to actively look for jobs, I'll feel more in control and optimistic about the path my life will take in 2014.  But right now 2014 is so full of uncertainty.  And that is very hard for me. 

So this is where I am at right now.  I'm sad and sick of Charlotte and oh so ready for this chapter of my life to be behind me.  I know I posted a wish list last week but all I want for Christmas is a job back in the Midwest and a timeline for when I can return home, which is something that Santa, nor anyone else, can provide.  I'm trying to believe that it will all work out, but it's hard. 

But here's hoping that a year from now, I am preparing to celebrate Christmas back in the Midwest and can look back on this holiday season and say that my Charlotte experience is firmly in the past.

Still a Struggle

Last month as we neared the end of our Myrtle Beach girls trip and approached Charlotte,  my sister said she had had a great time, but said 'I am ready to go home now.'

I thought to myself: 'Me too, sister, me too.'

But I am not home yet - I visit home for brief fragments of times, but it's always tinged with the emotions of impermanence. At the end of every trip home, I have to deal with the sad and difficult emotions of getting back on a plane to Charlotte.  7 months later, it's still hard. I still cry. I still grieve the fact that while it is not and will never be 'home', it is where I currently have to live.

I know I am past the half way point of my year commitment but the time just can't go fast enough. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as I am over half way through my one year relocation contract, but I still have 5 months left (plus however long it takes me to find a new job).  I'm just so over the "I hear Charlotte is a nice place to live" and the "this is a growth opportunity for you" comments.  I'm over justifying and explaining why I don't like Charlotte.

Don't get me wrong - I am thankful for the great career I have, but I want more.  I want a relationship and ample friends and family close by.  And more than anything, I just want to be home - or in a city, such as Chicago - that I would be happy and proud to call home.

This last trip home was so wonderful but it was also a little bit harder than the other trips because I have no return trips scheduled; this was the first time I have left Minneapolis unsure about when I would return. (I will be at the lake for Christmas but I won't spend anytime in Minneapolis on that trip.)

There is no clear cut or guaranteed path back to Minneapolis. I have this one year commitment related to my relocation contract, but after that, it's up to me to figure out how to get out of Charlotte.  I know that like many other things in life, I have to trust that things will fall into place and everything will work out, but sometimes it feels like it's going to take a miracle for everything to fall into place. 

So that is where I am at right now. I am sad and tired and just so very over this unwanted cross country move. I have many trips to distract me in the coming months, such as trips as Paris, NYC and Austin.  And I am so very thankful for all of these trips, but no matter how many trips I plan or how busy I try to stay, it does not offset the fact that all I really want is a one way ticket to Minneapolis.

I know this post is heavy and sad, but it's where I am at right now.  It's my reality and I am trying to believe it is temporary.  But gosh, it is still just so so hard.

But tomorrow, I kick off my 10 days of Thanksgiving post series.  It's going to be really good for me to focus on the many blessings in my life right now.  

6 months

It is hard to believe it, but today marks 6 months since I moved to Charlotte.  In some ways, the move feels so long ago, but in other ways it feels like not much time has passed.  When I think back to that day when I landed in Charlotte, I want to reach back through time and give myself a good, long hug.  I still vividly remember the emotions of that day, from waking up in tears, the horrible goodbye to Phil at the airport (I cried so hard, the TSA agent brought me a box of kleenex when I went through security), and the silent tears that wouldn't seem to stop on my flights.

I am really proud of how far I have come in the last 6 months.  I would say the last 6 months have probably been the toughest 6 months of my life.  From the stress fractures to the CFA stress to the break-up to my aunt passing away to my RA diagnosis, a lot of things have happened that would have been difficult to deal with on my home turf.  But I faced it all in a place that is foreign to me and came out on the other side of it all.  My progress here has certainly not been linear.  It's one step forward, two steps back, but I've made progress.

Over the past 6 months, I have had some people tell me that I am so brave and I am handling this so well.  Sometimes when people say this, I want to convince them otherwise.  I want to tell they can't possibly be seeing me for what I am because I would have never used the word brave to describe myself; I would never say I have handled this move well.  But I guess one of the gifts of friendship is that friends see things in us that we don't allow ourselves to see or maybe they have more realistic expectations.  I can see now that I have been brave.  I have been scared and sad and mad and wrought with anxiety at different points, but I can see now that I can feel all of those things and still be brave.

These days, I am trying to shift my perspective and think of my time in Charlotte as a study abroad experience.  I can observe the culture and notice things I like and don't like, but I don't have to embrace the culture and make it my own because I will not make my permanent home here.  I am hoping this perspective will help me get a little less upset about the things that bother me.

My coping mechanism has certainly been traveling.  Between work travel and traveling for pleasure, I am gone at least 2 weekends a month and several work days.  This schedule works for me and will help me get through my time here.  I have had people tell me they are envious or jealous of my travels - I bite my tongue when I hear this, but what I want to say is - yes, I am fortunate to be able to travel so much, but please don't be jealous. I would trade lives and live in a place I don't dislike and had ample friends/family to see in exchange for all the travel I am doing.  That is truly the case.  I'd so much rather be living in Minneapolis or Chicago and not racking up airline miles.  But until that is the case, I will hop on a plane every other weekend to escape this city.

So here's to the next 6 months.  I hope and believe they will be easier and less issue-free than the first 6 were.  

From the Land of Ma'am: A Day of Hiking

One of the hardest aspects of moving to Charlotte, immediately finding out about my stress fracture, ending up in a boot for ~4 months, and then dealing with RA pain was that it made it impossible to take in all the outdoorsy activity in the Charlotte vicinity.  I LOVE to be active and do things like hike, so not being able to do that?  Totally sucked and made it really hard for me to embrace the part of the country where I live.

But thanks to the steroids I am on (which I have love/hat relationship with, I look forward to going off of it when my RA drug kicks in), my RA pain is a lot more manageable and my stress fracture is healed, so I am finally able to be a bit more active!  I had a free weekend in Chalotte so asked a co-worker that I have hit it off with if her and her boyfriend were up for a day of hiking this past Saturday.  Luckily they were!  I don't let doing things on my own hold me back, but it's certainly way more fun to have some company!

We hit the road early Saturday morning and our first stop was Blowing Rock which is an adorable mountain town about 2 hours north of Charlotte.  We did the Glen Burney Trail, which is accessible from downtown which meant we only had to park once.  I'm all about having to move my car as little as possible.

The hike was about 1.6 miles round trip and I'd say it was pretty easy.  The views were amazing as we saw several waterfalls!

 

By the time we finished that first hike, it was lunch time and we had definitely worked up an appetite so we hit up a cute diner.  We saw an ice cream/sweet shop on our walk to lunch so we all decided to save room for dessert and I am so glad we did!  I enjoyed a scoop of salted caramel ice cream, which was divine.  I am totally obsessed with all things salted caramel these days.

The sweet shop also had lots of truffles and other treats.  I got a small piece of salted caramel pecan chocolate bark (see above-reference salted caramel obsession) and managed to resist buying anything else.

They had a 'buy 2 get one free' special on their fudge, which is made in house, so my friend and her boyfriend bought three and let me try them.  My favorite was (of course) the salted caramel fudge!

With our bellies full, we hit the road and drove part of the Blue Ridge Parkway to get to our next hike at Linville Falls.  The drive was GORGEOUS.  The Blue Ridge Parkway is known as one of the most beautiful drives in the U.S. and it's easy to see why.  Of course this photo doesn't do it justice!

The Linville Falls areas had 2 sets of trails.  We felt ambitious and were motivated to work off our ice cream, so we decided to do both sets of trails!  We started off by checking out the upper falls area, which was beautiful.

Then we climbed up to a couple of different look-out points.  The leaves are just starting to change so we got to see a little bit of fall folliage!  Do you see that waterfall in the background??

Well, we headed back to the trail head and took the other set of trails, which led us closer and closer...

 
Until, bam - it was right there in front of us!  Getting to this vantage point involved a pretty tough trail followed by climbing from rock to rock along the water.  I would rate this hike as challenging, but we were rewarded for our efforts!!

When we got to this last spot, we all laid on a rock , resting and taking in the sight and sound of this powerful waterfall. 

After relaxing for awhile, it was time to climb the trail back up to the parking lot area so we could hop back into the car and drive the 2 hours back to Charlotte.  It was a full day as we spent 4 hours driving, but about 2.5 of those 4 hours were very scenic so it was not too much driving for me.  We think we did about 5 miles of hiking, so we definitely were on our feet quite a bit, but it was so much fun.  My feet hurt at the end of the day, but it was worth it. 

I will defnitely return to this area as it offers many more hikes!  There is talk of the 3 of us maybe going back to this area the last weekend of October, which is the next time I'll spend a weekend in Charlotte.  I am glad that I've found some outdoorsy friends that I get along with so well.  We were together for 11 hours straight and the time just flew - which is always a good sign.

I may be soft on Charlotte, but I sure do like North Carolina!!

Do you enjoy hiking?  Do you live close to areas where you can hike?  When I lived in Minneapolis, I lived about 2.5 hours from Duluth, MN which offers lots of hiking trails, but I never took advantage of it.  I guess I just took it for granted and figured I would get there eventually.  When I move back, I WILL be checking out that area. 

Tiny Beautiful Things - on Acceptance

Last month, I read Tiny Beautiful Things, which is a collection of advice columns that Cheryl Strayed wrote, under the pen name "Sugar."  It is a unique book since it's a collection of all of these different people's problem, many of which are problems you and I maybe have not encountered.  And yet - her response tends to contain some nugget of wisdom that you can apply to some other problem or issue you have.

Like this excerpt of advice, which is the first of 2 excerpts from this book that I will be sharing this month.  I read it, nodding my head along, feeling like "Sugar" was talking to me.

"Acceptance asks only that you embrace what's true.

Strange as it sounds, I don't think you've done that yet.  I can hear it in the pitch of your letter.  You're so outraged and surprised that this shitty thing happened to you that there's a piece of you that isn't yet convinced it did.  You're looking for the explanation, the loophole, the bright twist in the dark tale that reverse its course.  Anyone would be.  It's the reason I've had to narrate my own stories of injustice about seven thousand times, as if by raging about it once more the story will change and by the end of it I won't still be the woman hanging on the end of the line.

But it won't change, for me or for you or for anyone who has ever been wronged, which is everyone.  We are all at some point - and usually at many points over the course of a life - the woman hanging on the end of the line.  Allow your acceptance of that to be a transformative experience.  You do that by simply looking it square in the face and then moving on.  You don't have to move fast or far.  You can go just an inch.  You can mark your progress breath by breath."

Anyone who has had any in depth conversations with me about 2013 and my unwanted move (and slew of other things that have happened) is probably nodding their head along as they read this, too.  I have been living in Charlotte for 5 months now, and I can't say I've made much progress at all in accepting that this is the path my life has taken.  When a conversation with a friend or family member turns to my move to Charlotte, I am the person narrating my story of injustice over and over again - as if telling people how much I wish this move wouldn't have happened will change the fact that it did.  

But it turns out raging about it doesn't make a dang bit of difference.  The fact of the matter is that I am here, at least for the time being.  But honestly, I have felt that by not accepting it, it didn't need to be permanent.  I felt like accepting it might make it appear as though I wanted it to happen, or that I like it here.

But I know deep down that my inability to "accept" all that has occurred this year is not helping.  Raging against this relocation doesn't change the fact that it happened.  It happened.  I'm here, like it or not.

I don't really know how acceptance is going to come about for me, but I do know that it starts with me acknowledging that I need to find a way to achieve acceptance.  It probably starts with acknowledging that there are things I like about Charlotte.  Things like the small group of friends I've made, the city's selection of GF crepe places, the church where I attend mass, the proximity of the mountains, and the trees that flower far longer than any trees I've seen in the Midwest.

I guess, as Sugar says, it's going to start inch by inch, and breath by breath.

Have you ever been through something you had a difficult time accepting?

From the Land of Ma'am: Girls Weekend!

Greetings and Happy Monday, everyone!  I hope you all had a great weekend.  I certainly did.  One of my best friends from college visited me over the weekend, and we had the best time!  Here are some pictures of things we did/saw while she was here!

On Friday we did a day trip to Asheville, which is only 2 hours away.  I hadn't been to the Biltmore yet, so we decided to hit that up!  It is this beautiful estate that was built by the Vanderbilts in the late 1800s.  If you are ever in the Charlotte area, I highly recommend driving up to Asheville to check it out.  The admission price is steep, but worth it IMO as there is so much to see!  We did as much as we could, but I was limited on how much I could walk (more on that tomorrow) so I need to go back again to see more of the gardens and the grounds. 

Heidi and I in front of the Biltmore

The grounds were gorgeous, but unfortunately we did not get to check them out on foot

And the views were STUNNING.  I can see why the Vanderbilts selected this area to build this estate

After touring the Biltmore, we headed into Asheville.  We stopped at the Grove Park Inn, which is a gorgeous hotel with a great patio area, for a cocktail before heading into downtown Asheville. It was early evening by this point, so we got to listen to the drummers that congregate in a park on Friday nights while we waited for our table at one of my favorite restaurants in Asheville, Tupelo Honey.  This place has awesome southern food and a GREAT gluten free menu.

Heidi enjoyed the biscuit and honey that is served with every meal (well, except mine because of course biscuits are not GF).

We got back around 11 pm on Friday night so we took it easy on Saturday morning.  I made brunch for us and we headed out for manicures and a day of shopping.  I had better luck than Heidi and ended up buying 3 dresses!  I usually shop alone, so it was really nice to have Heidi along to give me input on what I should or shouldn't buy.

It rained all day on Saturday so we decided to stay in that night.  I made dinner, gave her a short driving tour of uptown Charlotte, and then we watched the first SATC movie and had popcorn and other snacks.

On Sunday, we went to mass and then went to brunch at my favorite local crepe place, Crispy Crepe.  The rain had finally cleared out so we were able to eat outdoors!

The warm beverages at this place are to die for!  I had a maple syrup latte and Heidi had a hot cider drink

After brunch I dropped Heidi off at the airport.  I was sad to see her go, but I am planning to visit her in Austin in February around our birthdays, which are just days apart.  So at least I know I will see her in about 6 months!

The timing of her trip was really impeccable.  I really needed a weekend of girl time.  I had a tough morning on Friday due to a doctor appointment that I will tell you about tomorrow, so it was nice to get a big hug from Heidi.  And lastly, while I know I will not call Charlotte home long term, it was good to be forced to look for the fun and good things Charlotte has to offer to show Heidi, and it did make me view the city in a different light at times (with the exception of the road system!  Still hating on that).

I'm just so thankful Heidi came to visit.  Having her here was like having a bright ray of sunshine breaking through the clouds that have been hanging over me for several months, both literally and figuratively.

When is the last time you had a girls weekend?  If you could plan a girls weekend in any city, where would you go?  I think a girls weekend in Charleston, Savannah, or Nashville would be really fun.

Lost

I just got lost

Every river that I tried to cross

Every door I ever tried was lock

Oh and I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off 

There's clearly a lengthy list of the things that I am struggling with related to this move, but lately one thing I am struggling with on a regular basis is this feeling of being perpetually lost.  I have a GPS in my car and use google maps on my phone, and while they help, it's not foolproof.  Every week, I seem to get lost.

Now, I am using the word "lost" loosely - it's not like I am in the middle of nowhere.  I can always find my way back to where I am going or need to be.  It's just that everything takes SO MUCH LONGER than it should.  For instance, I left an hour early for an appointment that was about 20 minutes away a couple of weeks ago.  I was using my GPS, but apparently the exit numbers were renumbered since my GPS was last updated (I haven't updated it because they charge you to do so which is ridiculous IMO), so I missed my exit as I was looking for a different number.  So what do I see next?  A sign that says "Welcome to South Carolina".

I was like - really?  I missed an exit and ended up in a different state?  It was especially jarring because I didn't even *realize* South Carolina was THAT close.  Poor Becky was on the phone with me when this happened so she got to see how ragey I get when I get lost and have no idea where I am.

I used my iPhone to find an alternative route and still made it to my appointment on time, so it all worked out.  But that feeling of frustration/confusion?  It really sucks.  If it happened once in awhile, it would be a different thing.  But it happens almost every. single. week.

I miss knowing the lay of the land and understanding how long it will take to get to certain places.  I miss knowing the traffic patterns well enough to know how soon I should get over to the right-most lane to take an exit.  I miss knowing alternative routes to get places if traffic is bad.  I miss having most of what I needed a short walk or bike ride away. These days every place I need to be, besides work, is a drive away.

I know it takes time to develop knowledge of an area.  I just underestimated how much it would impact me to be lost SO often.  I will be the first to admit that I have a terrible sense of direction, so I know I am partly to blame for this, but it's still frustrating.  It's been nearly 4 months since my move, so I know I am still 'new' to the city but gosh I hope it starts getting easier really soon.

I know my post related to Charlotte lately have not been positive, but I am just trying to be real.  Living here is really hard and I keep waiting for it to get easier, and it's not.  Some days I trick myself into thinking it is, but then the next day I get lost or something happens back home that makes me want to be closer or I see a picture of Minneapolis on Facebook and I grieve about moving here all over again.  I know I need to be more patient with my transition, but dang - I wish it was a little bit less hard.

Have you ever moved to a new city and struggled with this?  Do you have a good sense of direction or are you directionally challenged like me?

Weekend Highs

Happy Monday, everyone!  I hope you had a great weekend.  The weather wasn't awful this weekend as we had periods of sunshine, but it wasn't great.  This is just not what summer should be like.  And to prove that I am not over-reacting to how crappy this summer has been, check out the stats in Peanut Butter Runner's post. The weather is out of my control, so I know I need to let it go, but come on, Mother Nature, throw me a bone.

Despite the crappy weather, I did have a good weekend!  Here are some of the highlights of my weekend!

Highs...

- Going to the movie The Heat (which was hilarious, by the way) and getting carded!  I find a hard time believing that I look younger than 17 (seriously, I'm 32), but I'll take it!


- Making sausage-stuff zucchini boats.  If you like zucchini, you HAVE to make them.  They are so delicious and they actually reheat really well. I also made a 3-bean turkey chili which I froze so I'd have meals to eat the week after my Asheville trip as I doubt I'll get back early enough on Sunday to make a big dinner.  And yes, I eat chili in the middle of the summer...  I'm a soup/chili year round type of girl.

- Meeting a fellow Minnesotan when I walked into mass on Sunday morning.  She noticed my MN plates and struck up a conversation with me.  When you are new to a city, it's little experiences like that really help it feel a bit more homey.

- A long phone conversation with my friend Heidi that lives in Austin.  I'm so excited for her visit to Charlotte in August!

- Celebrating Bastille day by wearing stripes, enjoying a delicious crepe and treating myself to some macarons.

- Going to an open knitting session at a local yarn store.  I didn't have a lot of social plans this weekend, so the social interaction was really nice, and I made some progress on the 2nd arm warmer I am making.  

- Crossing some tasks off my to-do list that I've been procrastinating on, such as a goodwill drop and hanging a collage of family pictures (I am terrible at hanging photos, home decor is SO not my thing).

- Seeing pictures on facebook from Lauren's wedding.  I am so bummed that I wasn't there!  I can't wait to see more pics of her and the manfriend.  They are one stunning, fun couple , and I am so excited to hug them in person when I see them in Chicago in October.

- Texting back and forth with Alli while we watched the Next Food Network Star (the only tv I religiously watch these days!).

What were some of the highlights of your weekend?

1st Quarter

Well, here I am, 1/4 of the way through my one year commitment to Charlotte.  To be clear, I don't know how long I will be in Charlotte, but I for sure have to be here for a year or there will be financial ramifications as I would have to pay back my relocation package (which was NOT cheap).  I don't know what the future will bring, so I may be here longer than a year, but right now I am counting down my year commitment as I am looking forward to having the freedom to pursue other opportunities in the Midwest should they arise.

I'm not going to sugar coat the last 3 months.  They have been tough.  And to be clear, this is not me being negative, this is me being real.  I strive to be an authentic communicator, so I refuse to make this experience out to be anything different than what it truly has been.  It has been hard.  The number of changes I've been through is staggering.  In the last 3 months, I've changed cities, bosses (actually I recently changed bosses again - that's 4 bosses in 12 months, by the way), positions (I focus on a different client group since moving to Charlotte), and my relationship status has changed.  There is really not much else that can change in my life, to be quite honest.  Add in the stress of the CFA and a never-ending stress fracture that is preventing me from exercising, and well, it's been a perfect storm.

Over the last 3 months, I've gone from counting down the weeks until my year commitment to counting down the months (which I consider progress).  I've made one really good friend who is almost like a guardian angel as she has really helped me feel more at home down here.  I've re-learned how much I hate driving and now know with absolute certainty that I need to live in a city with a pedestrian lifestyle, meaning I can mostly walk (or take an efficient form of public transportation) to anywhere I need/want to be (work, church, grocery stores, retail stores).  I've planned A LOT of trips and am trying to see as much of the area as I possibly can.  I've confirmed that I am not the kind of person who is built to live far from family and close friends.

I think the number one thing I have struggled with is the pressure from others to love Charlotte.  I respect their love of this city and I can understand why they want to call this place home.  But the fact that Charlotte is not a good fit for me should not take away from their love of the city.  We can all have our own favorite cities - they do not need to be the same.  To be clear, in these conversations, I am not proclaiming my dislike of Charlotte - instead I am expressing the fact that it's just not a great fit for me.  You can hate on Minneapolis all day long, but it honestly won't offend me or take away from my love of the city.  I do not expect everyone to love Minneapolis and if someone moved there, I would not expect them to love it - either immediately or with the passage of time. I can say this because I know people who have recently moved to Minneapolis.  I do not expect them to love it now - or ever really.  I will offer suggestions on things they can see/do to help them enjoy it while they are there, but I don't expect them to love it there, and the fact that they don't like it is not a personal affront to me.   There are things we all need from a city and while Charlotte does not have the things that I need from a city, that doesn't mean it doesn't meet the bill of needs of others.

But I am trying.  I have sought out things to do in the Charlotte area.  I've made new friends.  I've worked hard at work to try to build credibility with the new group of sales reps that I now work with.  I've joined a church.  I've put myself out there by sending emails to people asking them to dinners, coffee, etc.  I really am trying.  I know I will be here for at least a year and I am trying to make the most of that year.

I recognize the fact that things will get better as the year progresses.  Being able to return to running will really help, so I am hoping that can happen by September.  Even being out of the boot and being able to walk or hike or be active in general will help.  North Carolina is a beautiful state and I hope to be able to get out and enjoy it a bit more than I have when I recover from this pesky stress fracture.

Luckily, I have some really great things to look forward to, including one amazing thing.  But this post is getting too long to talk about what I am looking forward to, so I'll be sharing that later this week.  So stay tuned...

And - I'll be back tomorrow with a recap of my DC trip (spoiler alert:  I had the best time!)

From the Land of Ma'am: My First Weekend of Freedom!

This weekend was so great, and was just what I needed.  After a string of study-intensive weekends (about 24 of them actually), a weekend free of studying was nothing short of blissful.  Yes, I still miss Minneapolis dearly, but by staying busy I was able to distract myself from those feelings of homesickness.

This weekend was great because...

- I woke up without an alarm and felt completely rested both Saturday and Sunday.  I have struggled with sleep as evidenced by this sleep ap map.  Clearly my sleep quality has really tanked since moving to Charlotte, but hopefully it starts to improve now!

- I had an awesome massage on Saturday morning.  I upgraded to a hot stone massage as the masseuse said it'd be more effective in working out the many knots in my upper back.  I was worried the heat of the stones might be too much for me, but it actually felt great. 

- The music festival I went to was a blast.  It was on a lake and the day was beautiful so we spent a lot of time in the water.  My black bean and corn salsa got lots of compliments and I hit off with the group of people I went with.  There is a talk of some of us doing a girls trip to Savannah in July - I really hope we can make that happen as that is on my bucket list of places to visit while I live in Charlotte.

- I went to the botanical gardens on Sunday afternoon which was a fun place to check out.  I would like to go back in the spring as a lot of the plants/flowers were past their peak season.  I really liked the green house - especially the cactus room!

 

All in all, it was a wonderful weekend!

What was the best part of your weekend?

Freedom, Sweet Freedom

Happy almost Friday, everyone!  I hope everyone is having a great week.  Despite the fact that I don't feel all that great about how the exam went, what I do feel great about is GETTING MY FREE TIME BACK.  Yes, ALL CAPS.  Words can't really express how exhausting it was to fit in all those study hours.  But now it is all behind me and I can enjoy life and spend time doing the things I enjoy.

When I was home last weekend, I got a lot of questions about how I like Charlotte thus far.  I obviously am not loving it here so far, but I also recognize that it's not fair to judge Charlotte based on my first 8 week here.  I mean, I have used just over a half a tank of gas in the span of 8+ weeks.  That is CRAZY.  Clearly I have not been getting out much.  Between being cooped up studying and having my mobility limited by the boot, I haven't really had the opportunity to give Charlotte a chance.

But that has to change, and it starts this week.  While I know I do not want to be here long term, the fact of the matter is that I am here.  And I can grumble and make a sport out of hating Charlotte, or I can accept it and make the most of my time here.  I'm choosing the latter of the two options.

I've got a full weekend on tap, most of which will be solo activities, but at least I am getting out and doing something!  Here is what I have planned!

- Tomorrow after work I am going to check out the Taste of Charlotte.  It's a street food festival featuring dishes from local Charlotte restaurants.  I only see a couple of GF things on the list of dishes, but I think it will still be fun to walk around and check it out.

- I'm finally going to hit up the library and get a library card.  I have been getting eBooks from the Minneapolis library but I really need to have access to a local library for books that are not available in eBook format.

- On Saturday morning I am getting a massage.  A thoughtful friend got me a gift certificate to a spa here as a birthday present when she found out about my move and I have been saving it for some post-CFA pampering!

- On Saturday afternoon, I am going to an outdoor music festival with a girl that I met through work.  I think it's a small event at a person's house or something like that, but it sounds like it will be a fun event. And it's by a lake! I am looking forward to meeting my friend's husband and some of their friends.

- On Sunday afternoon, I am going to check out some local Botanical Gardens.  I don't know much about flowers, but it sounds like a pretty place to walk around and check out.

So there you go!  I am really happy that I have a fairly full weekend on tap.  I am most definitely going to enjoy my first CFA-studying free weekend in 23 weeks!!!!  Hopefully I'll have a post-worthy weekend experience to share next week!

What do you have planned this weekend?

3 Things Thursday

Happy almost Friday, everyone!  After a heavy, long-winded post yesterday (thanks for all the thoughtful, encouraging comments by the way!), I figured today was a day for a 3-bullet point post!  So here's what's on my mind!

1.  It's "Speed Week" here in Charlotte, which is a celebration in uptown Charlotte in the days leading up to the Coca Cola 600 (a NASCAR race).  From what I've heard, it's like a miniature State Fair (i.e. good people watching).  Some have asked if I will ever go to a NASCAR race.  My answer is HELL NO.  It is just not an experience that I need to have.  I still can't believe that my company's relocation department put "Charlotte = NASCAR" on the fact sheet about the city.  Was that supposed to be a selling point for this city?  #fail

2.  I haven't bought a single article of clothing since I moved to Charlotte, so I think I am due for a little shopping this weekend.  I'm thinking that another pair of cropped colored pants is in my future - perhaps in a mint green color.  We'll see what I find.

3.  I had another follow-up appointment with my doctor yesterday. I have one more week in the boot, bringing the total to 6 weeks. After that, I can transition to solely wearing tennis shoes.  When he told me this I stopped him and said, "wait, do you mean to say I have to wear tennis shoes at work with work clothes?"  The answer was yes.  No, the boot hasn't been fashionable, but at least it's obvious that I am injured.  It won't be when I wear tennis shoes 24/7.  So I will be fashion road kill for a week as I rock the work clothes + tennis shoes look.  I'm going to get a lot of "the 80s called and they want that look back" comments, I think.  But whatever, I'll do what it takes to get back to running.  When I transition into tennis shoes, I can start taking walks, and then slowly transition back to a run/walk combo, and then running.  It's going to be a process, but hopefully in 3-4 weeks, I'll be back to running.  God knows I NEED the endorphins.  Badly.

First Month in Charlotte: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Well, my first month in Charlotte has come and gone.  It wasn't my best month, but it went fairly fast.  When I drive around to Target or church or wherever, I still keep thinking, "I can't believe I live here..."  I have not been out and about all that much, mostly because wearing the boot makes it difficult to walk around much (and I am not supposed to walk around much so my foot can heal) and even driving is a pain since it's my right foot that is injured so I have to change into a different driving brace, then change back into the boot when I get to where I am going.  And it is all just a hassle.  So I have been a bit of a recluse this month.  That WILL change after the CFA exam, and hopefully by getting out more, my attitude towards Charlotte will shift as well.

I think the best way to sum up my first month is to share the good, the bad, and the ugly side of my first month here...

The good...
- I like working on the trading floor here.  There is a tangible buzz and I enjoy being part of a team.  When my former boss left the company last August, I went from being part of a partnership to being a bit of an island.  It is nice to have co-workers to bounce ideas off and it is nice to have colleagues who are willing to read/edit articles I write.


- I have been traveling less.  Most of my trips this year were to Charlotte so now that I am living here, my travel has been reduced significantly, which is a good thing as traveling during CFA study season is VERY difficult.  I will be traveling more after the test but it will be much more manageable and not an every week kind of things like it was in Feb/March.

- I found a church that I really like which reminds me a lot of my favorite church in the Minneapolis area.  They have a Theology on the Vine (i.e. learn more about the Catholic faith over wine) social event for young adults so I am going to check this out after the CFA exam.

The bad...
- It's lonely.  I knew it would be, but it's still hard.  I have a couple of friends, but it's different to go from having so many friends, I couldn't see them as often as I'd like to having, well, about 2 friends.  I miss Phil.  I miss making dinner for him and playing cribbage; I miss his hugs.  I miss coffee dates and lunch dates with friends. Moving to a new city alone at the age of 32 when everyone else around your age is settled in their lives makes moving and making new friends particularly difficult.

- There are way too few coffee shops.  No really.  I'm not kidding.  My latte Friday tradition has died because it would honestly take me an extra half hour to walk to a coffee shop.  There is one coffee shop by work but they don't serve vanilla lattes (what in the what?).  I guess I am saving myself $5/week, but it still bums me out.  Allegedly a Starbucks will be opening in the lobby of my building.  I really hope this happens.

- I have had to cancel trips I had planned - like my trip to Oregon for my friend Lauren's wedding.  Now that I have to budget for plane tickets home, I just couldn't do a big vacation this year.  I am SO bummed. :(

The ugly...
- The company I work for acquired another large company during the financial crisis (some may say we saved this other company). I went from living in the land of the acquirer to living in the land of the acquiree.  I know mergers/acquisition are not equitable to all parties involved.  People lose jobs and business practices are changed.  Now I get to hear all about how awful my employer is.  It's not fun and while I am listening to the airing of grievances, I try to kindly remind the person that I am currently living in a city I never would have choose to live in as a result of that acquisition, so it hasn't exactly been all sunshine and rainbows for employees of the acquirer either.

- I've cried. A lot.  Sometimes for reasons related to the move, sometimes because of things happening to people I care about back home, sometimes for really no reason at all.  But to be clear - I am not depressed.  And I personally think crying is healthy.  Most of the things bringing me down in life are situational, 'this, too, shall pass' kind of scenarios, so things will get better eventually.  I think having the stress of the CFA behind me and being able to do cardio again will help as I have so much stress right now and no outlets for it.

So there you have it!  Here's hoping that as the month pass, each month gets a little bit better.  

From the Land of Ma'am: A French Connection

After living in Charlotte for about 3 weeks, I figured it was time to venture out and check out some of the local restaurants.  After searching around a bit on a website that recommended gluten free-friendly restaurants, I was excited to see that there was a crepe place that offered gluten free crepes!

For those who have read my France blog, you may recall that I am a bit obsessed with crepes (or gallettes, as they refer to the savory ones in France), as evidence by this post, this post and this post. I haven't had a crepe since Paris as I haven't been able to track down any gluten free ones! But lucky Crispy Crepe does offer gluten free ones. 

Since I was there for an actual meal instead of dessert, I started off with a savory Egg & Veggie Cheddar crepe which had caramelized onions, tomatoes, roasted mushrooms, and spinach.

It was very good!  It's obviously not a traditional French crepe as you would never see cheddar in a crepe in France, but it was still very good.  I especially loved the roasted mushrooms and caramelized onions.

I had intentionally eaten a light lunch as I knew I was going to want to get dessert.  They had a lot of great options, but I ended up going with a traditional banana and nutella crepe!

It was SO good.  I wish I would have had someone to share it with as it was a lot of food, but hopefully next time I go back, I will have a friend in toe.

I could see myself going to this place for a post-church brunch some Sunday after the CFA is behind me.  Others around me had coffee drinks that looked so good, so I am looking forward to trying one of their coffee drinks next time. I will say that eating alone was a little challenging.  I eat alone all the time when I am traveling, but it's different to do that when on a trip versus in your every day life. So my fingers are crossed that I make some friends soon so that all my Charlotte adventures don't have to be solo.

Have you ever had a crepe?  I discovered them on my first trip to Paris in 2008 and fell in love.  I like how they don't make you feel super full since the crepe is light and thin.