I Made It

When the world is breaking down around you
Taking everything that you know
What you didn't know
Is that we can go forever
If we want to we can live
Inside of a moment
The one that we own

Here I am on the eve of the day I will depart Charlotte.  I did it - I made it through my year+ of living in a place I didn't want to live.  Have you ever had an experience where you listen to an artist's album and feel like it was written for you?  That has been my experience when listening to Ingrid Michaelson's newest album, Lights Out, which I highly recommend.  Even though my mom isn't going to know a single song so probably won't enjoy listening to it as much as I will, that will be the first album we listen to on our way out of Charlotte.  I'm sprinkling lyrics from the song "Afterlife" throughout this post as they speak so well of how I feel as I prepare to leave Charlotte.

We are
We are going to be alright
We got
We got we always got the fight in us

We are
We are
We are going to live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow
'Cause we're the afterlife

I know it sounds melodramatic to say this, but there were times during this year in Charlotte where I really wondered if I was going to be alright.  It was a year of me treading water in a rough ocean, thinking, "for the love of God, would someone just throw me a life jacket."  I think it was particularly frustrating for my parents and close friends because they saw me struggling but they couldn't do anything to make it stop.  I've been on the other of this and know how hard it is to watch someone struggle and to feel unable to help them.

Living like you're dying
Isn't living at all
Give me your cold hands
Put them on my hearti
Raise a glass to everyone
Who thinks they'll never make it through
This life
To live a brand new start

The past 4 weeks have been healing for me.  I've let go of some of the sense of heaviness that I've been carrying around since last January when I found out about my move.  I feel happier, lighter, more free (for the most part... My frustration with my car accident has set me back a bit on the 'calm' front).  But I know that fully healing from this year of struggles, from my health issues to living in Charlotte to other challenges in my personal life, will not happen over night.  Or in 6 weeks.  Or maybe not even in a year. 

We are
We are going to be alright
We got
We got we always got the fight in us

We are
We are
We are going to live tonight
Like there's no tomorrow
'Cause we're the afterlife

Right now I want to metaphorically box up the experiences of the past year and put them behind a closed door, and lock that door.  I want to put them behind me and focus on the good times ahead of me.  I think one day I will want or need to take that box of memories and experiences out of that locked room and sort through them in order to completely move on from this year, but now is not the time for that. 

Every time I close my eyes
I hear your favorite song
Telling me not run
Not to worry anymore
I can't hold on tight
To nothing better than the rest
So it's now
Or never more

There will be nothing bittersweet about tonight, my last night in Charlotte.  Sure there are things I will miss about North Carolina, like the mountains, hiking, and the friends I've made here, but for the most part, I am just so happy and thankful that I get to close out this chapter of my life and start a new one. 

If it was legal to consume champagne while driving, my mom and I would be toasting as we pull away from Charlotte, but toasting our lattes/coffees will have to suffice.  So if you hear a faint shout of joy around 8 am EST tomorrow morning, that's the exclamation of joy I'll be making when Charlotte is in my rear view mirror.

Here's to new beginnings in a city I love!! 

Dream Come True

So on Friday, I mentioned that in the middle of my hike, I coordinated a big aspect of my move.  That big aspect was finding a condo to rent.  I am over-the-moon happy to announce that I was able to secure a unit in the building I lived in before moving to Charlotte!!!  I'm excited to tell you all about it and will be sprinkling in photos of my neighborhood along the way!

Lower St. Anthony Falls, September 2013

The rental market in Minneapolis is very active right now and the area I was looking to rent is highly sought after so I was really feeling stressed that I wouldn't find an apartment as fast as I was hoping.  Two units from my old building had come on the market as rentals but were snatched up before I had a chance to even talk to the landlord so I was starting to feel like it was unlikely I'd get a unit in that building.  Plus it's an owner-occupied building and the HOA really limits the # of units that can be rented, so I wasn't sure another one would become available... which is why I moved extremely fast when I saw a unit posted on craigslist on Wednesday morning.  When I got in touch with the leasing agent (in the middle of my hike) she had already heard from 4 other people who were very interested so I decided to act fast and ended up signing a lease sight unseen.

First Avenue Bridge, September 2013

Obviously renting an apartment having never seen it is not optimal, but it's the way it had to go.  I know the building so well so I felt comfortable renting it without seeing it.  Plus they are replacing all of the carpet and painting it before I move in so I know that I won't have any issues cosmetically.  Luckily a former coworker's daughter lives in the building so she went to see it on Thursday night and gave it two thumbs up and the leasing agent sent me a bunch of photos after showing it to her so I feel great about my decision to rent it.

Stone Arch Bride, September 2013

The funny thing is that the unit is actually on the same floor as my last unit, except this time I will have a river view which I am SUPER excited about.  I can't even tell you how excited I am to return to my old neighborhood.  I may be biased but I think it is one of the most beautiful areas of Minneapolis, and these photos sprinkled throughout this post that I took while walking through this neighborhood in September are proof of that!

Hennepin Avenue bridge with a view of the downtown skyline, September 2013.  My building is the brown one that is sort of the second from the left.

The last couple of weeks feel like a dream come true.  I've found way back to Minneapolis.  I'm excited about my new job.  I found an apartment I know I will love.  After having a string of shitty things happen to me in 2013, it's amazing to have a string of wonderful things happening to me in 2014. For the first time in a very long time, I can utter the words life is good.

It's finally starting to sink in that I am actually coming home!!!I'm closing out this post with the photo the leasing agent sent me of the view from my balcony!  I'm so in love with my new home!

MY VIEW FROM MY NEW HOME, April 2014

5 Weeks

Well, the week started off interesting for me.  I went into the office on Monday for the first time since submitting my reservation over the phone on Thursday evening.  I had a lot of anxiety over how things were going to play out as my new employer is a direct competitor of my current employer so I knew there might be some people who wouldn't be thrilled about the choice to change jobs.

Luckily, everyone was really kind and understanding about it because they realize that the reason I sought out new employment was because living in Charlotte was never going to work long term.  I certainly never made it a secret that I missed Minneapolis, so people were not all that surprised that I had resigned.

Going into the week, I thought I would maybe finish out the week and be done after that, but shortly after my boss got in he basically said that HR had decided that it was going to be my last day and I was free to leave...  Hearing that was...  surreal.  I've been with my current employer for about 10 years total and have worked in my current division for about 5.5 years so it felt weird to have my time there come to such an abrupt halt.  Luckily I was able to send out an email to all the people I worked with to let them know it was my last day. I provided my contact information and really do hope that I will keep in touch with many of them.  While I am excited to leave Charlotte and start my new job, I am sad to walk away from all of these relationships I have developed over the years but I think/hope I will keep in touch with the people I became closest to over the years.

As expected, my non-compete was enforced which means I will be paid for the next 30 days.  This is a best-case scenario for me as it gives me time to find a moving company, find an apartment, and do the 1,000+ mile drive back to Minneapolis.  Yes, this time I will be driving instead of flying because it looks like I will need to store my belongings for awhile until I can find an apartment in Minneapolis.  Driving makes the most sense since I will need to have enough clothes to get me through the 1-2 months that it will take me to find an apartment (please God let it be closer to 1 month, I don't want to inconvenience the aunt and uncle I'll be staying with for longer than necessary).

Also, I will continue to be covered by my health insurance until 5/21 and my new policy at my new company should start on 6/1 which means I won't have to cobra out or find temporary insurance.  This is a HUGE relief for me as having health insurance is essential due to the # of drugs I'm on for my RA.

So all of this means that I will have 5 weeks off between jobs.  5 weeks.  You guys, I've never had this much time off as a working professional.  I clearly have a lot to do related to my move but I also want to try to enjoy this time off as much as possible because I know that I will be VERY busy when I start my new job.  My body has basically been through a string of stressful events since last January between the move, the CFA, figuring out my health issues, my crazy work travel schedule, and finding a job.  That stress has manifested itself in many nights of poor sleep and a general feeling of exhaustion so I am hoping to wipe the slate clean over the next 5 weeks so I can start my new job feeling calm and well-rested.

I've had several people ask me if I plan to take a vacation during my time off and the answer is no.  Or not really.  I am thinking about doing a 2-3 day trip to Asheville next week if the weather cooperates as I'd like to do some hiking and visit the gardens of the Biltmore, but besides that, I will be spending these 5 weeks focusing on the move and finding a new home.

I'm hoping to have some clarity by the end of this week as to how soon I will have my belongings moved and put into storage but right now it's looking like that might happen in about 2 weeks.  So in the mean time, I'll be refreshing craigslist and other apartment search websites about 100 times a day, hoping and praying a unit in my old building becomes available...

Have you ever had an unexpected amount of time off from work?  I know I will stay busy during these 5 weeks but it's still very surreal that I am not working right now!

Home.

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world that I'm coming home

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

I know my kingdom awaits and they've forgiven my mistakes

I'm coming home, I'm coming home

Tell the world that I'm coming home

~ J.Cole 

I can't believe I'm actually writing this post - a post that will tell you all about how I have found a path home.  It's a post that's honestly been something I have anticipated writing from the day I moved to Charlotte.  I've spent so much time counting down the months, weeks, and days of my one year commitment to Charlotte and there was times when I seriously questioned how I'd ever find my way back home.  But I did.

The last 2 weeks have been very stressful for me.  I've tried to be like a duck - calm on the surface but paddling like mad underneath and thank goodness I have had running and other forms of exercise to use as my outlet, but yikes.  I would not want to relive the last 2 weeks.  I flew 6 times, covering 5,500 miles in the span of 8 days.  I had 2 sets of interviews with 2 companies and when I say sets of interviews, I mean 5-6 hour blocks of solid interviews with no breaks.  It was exhausting.

But none of that matters now because I got the best news on Wednesday night - the company I was most interested in offered me a position that is essentially the same as what I am doing right now - which I am thrilled about because I really love my job, I just don't like Charlotte.  I resigned on Thursday evening and was pleasantly surprised by how well the conversation with my boss went.  Unfortunately it had to be over the phone as we were both traveling, but c'est la vie.

At this point, I have more questions than answers as my boss wasn't sure what would happen with my non-compete so I am hoping that I get more clarity today.  I gave a tentative start day of May 27th to my new employer so I will most likely move around mid-May.  

My head is spinning with all the details that must be attended to, like finding a moving company and most importantly, finding an apartment to rent which is already proving to be a frustrating experience but I am trying to trust that it will all work out.  

I'm excited but mostly this all feels surreal.  I've wanted to move home so badly since the day I arrived in Charlotte, it's kind of hard to believe that it's actually happening.  Plus I am honestly still in a haze of exhaustion from the interview process and the travel for those interviews on top of traveling for 2 conferences for work.  I think when I get caught up on sleep and know when my last day at my current job will be, the fact that I am moving home will start to set in.   

But bottom line, this was the very best news I could have received.  While it's bittersweet to leave a company where I've spent 10 years building relationships, I am very excited about the company I am joining and the growth opportunities there.  I have my work cut out for me when I start as they have high expectations for what I can bring to the table, but I intend to prove to them from day one that they made the right choice by hiring me!

In closing, can I just say how great it is to have a post to share with some good news for a change?  I am hopeful that the tide is changing and that 2014 is going to be a wonderful year for me!

One Year

It's April 8th.

Do you know what that means?  That means that I survived my year in Charlotte and it means that if I was to find a job opportunity, I can now resign with no financial ramifications. I think back on the weekend that I moved to Charlotte, the endless tears that ran down my face when Phil dropped me off at the airport, the I'm-crying-so-hard-I-can't-talk conversations with my mom and Phil, the awful feeling when it really hit me that I was actually going to have to live in a place I didn't want to live, and I almost feel all the anguish all over again.There were certainly times that I questioned how I'd get through the year in one piece, but 365 days later, I'm still standing.
   
Am I the same person I was a year ago?  Absolutely not.  I am sure that friends and family who spend a decent amount of time around me would say I am quieter and more reserved.  I'm weary and less likely to laugh.  I feel like I've been in a holding pattern for the last year of my life and I've lost my sense of permanence, which is bound to wear on a person. 

My mind feels like it's always turning, obsessing over questions like: when will I move?  Will my company enforce my non-compete?  Will I get a relocation package?  How will I handled the gap in health insurance (going without is no longer an option thanks to my $2,500/month RA drug)? Where will I live when I move?  How much will the move cost me if I don't get a relocation package?  Have I saved enough?  Will I easily find a rheumatologist that I like? ... and the questions go on and on.  And thinking through all these questions is exhausting.  Not having answers to critical questions is difficult.  Not knowing where I will be living 1 or 3 or 6 months from now is an awful feeling for a planner like me.

When I look back on the past year, I see it as a year of survival.  A year of doing what I needed to do to make it through each week or month.  I know there are people who can go through difficult things and thrive in those situations, but I can't say that was the case for me.  I did not thrive in Charlotte.  And I'll never look back on this year and be thankful that I was moved to Charlotte - of that I am certain.  Yes, I've had great adventures, saw new places, visited familiar faces, but I'd give back all of those experiences to forgo the disruption of this move and be right back where I was in Minneapolis where I had built a life I loved.

While I am not the person I was before I found out about this move, I feel confident that I'll find her again.  I don't know how long it will take, but with time, I'll get back to being that happy, confident, positive person.  Living in a city I love, being surrounded by people who care about me, and being able to run will certainly help.

I have hit my year mark, but I am in Charlotte indefinitely until I can find a job back home.  So while hitting this milestone was an accomplishment, I still have a ways to go and until I have a job offer in hand, I won't really feel a true sense of relief that I can put this all behind me.  But I am hopeful that I will have a one-way ticket out of here in the near future.  It scares me to have hope because it opens myself up to disappointment if things don't turn out the way I'd like, but I'm still holding onto hope.

It's been a tough year, and while it's changed me and left a mark that will be tough to reverse, I still think the words from John Mayer's song, Heart of Life, hold true.

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

No it won't all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good

On Being Home

My trip home last weekend was so wonderful, but was such a whirlwind experience for me.  I combined a day of work, which included a client event and a client meeting on opposite sides of the Twin Cities, a day of networking which included 5 meetings, I helped Phil move and settle into his new home, got my taxes done, visited a friend on Saturday afternoon, had dinner with 6 friends on Saturday evening, and after dinner I made a cameo at an engagement party that Phil attended so I could see his friends for a bit. 

Phew.  It was a lot to fit into about 3 days.  But that is how these trips always go.  And despite the fact that I fit a lot in, there are still things I didn't get a chance to do and people I didn't get a chance to see.  Of course the fullness of my life in Minneapolis and the fact that I have more people to see than I have time to see is a blessing, I just wish I was better at not feeling guilty about not seeing as many people as I would like.  Maybe this feeling of guilt is something that people who move away from home get better at managing, but it's a challenge for me. I also have had to learn to accept that trips home either need to be entirely friend-centric or family-centric.  Because my family and friends live in different areas of Minnesota, it's darn near impossible to combine the two unless I am home for a week, which is rare.

All that said, it was a wonderful trip home.  The temperatures were bitterly cold as the high for my time at home was a whopping 3 degrees, but I did not complain or care because there is nothing like being surrounded by my favorite people in a city I love.  I feel like a better version of myself when I am in Minneapolis and it's almost like I let go of a breath I've been holding for months when I land in Minneapolis. Of course the flip side of that is the tears that start when I board my flight back to Charlotte and often don't end during the entire flight, as was the case on Sunday.  Yes, I am that girl that cries on airplanes, probably attracting the attention of seatmates. 

As of today, I have 5 weeks until I hit the one-year mark of my move to Charlotte.  I know that seems soon to some people, because I keep hearing that over and over, but to borrow from a comment that my friend Nilsa made a couple of weeks ago, telling me that my time in Charlotte is almost over is like standing at the 20th mile of a marathon and telling runners that they are almost done (which is the cardinal sin of spectating, by the way).  Except it's worse in my case because it's like I'm at the 20th mile, except when I hit 26.2, the course marshal is saying, "actually, you are not done.  I know you are exhausted but you are going to need to continue to run for an indeterminate amount of time." 

So in the mean time, I'm praying, crossing my fingers and doing whatever I can to ensure that there will be a one-way ticket out of Charlotte in my future.  Each trip home is a taste of how good and full my life will be and I have to believe that I'll find my way back there.  Some way, some how. 

It's Been a Year

Well here we are on the cusp of the passing of yet another year.  Out of all of the years of my life, this is the year that I will be most happy to see coming to an end.

It's been an incredibly tough year. It's been a year of challenges.  A year of frustration.  A year of heart break.  I've cried in more places - both public and private - than I have any other year, and the year has certainly held more sorrow than joy.  It's been a year that has exhausted me.

But I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge that the year has contained some good things.  I passed the CFA exam.  I hosted one of my best friends for a girls weekend in Charlotte, and traveled to many wonderful places.  I got a promotion at work in the spring.  I made new friends and strengthened existing friendships.  I co-hosted another successful Julia Child Night.

But I look back at who I was in the early days of the 2013 before I knew that the year would hold an unwanted move, a break-up, a stress fracture, a lack of running, and the diagnosis of a chronic disease, among other difficult things - and that person is unrecognizable to me. I know she's buried somewhere underneath all of the layers of sadness and defeat that I have accumulated over the past year, but she feels a little bit lost to me right now.

But I see glimpses of the person I used to be when I am away from Charlotte, and those glimpses are encouraging.  They tell me that previous, better version of myself is not completely lost.  And at least I know how to get back to the person I was before the move.  I know that the way I feel right now is situational and when I get back to the Midwest, the clouds that have been hanging over me for the past year will be gone.  I will get that spring in my step back, smiles will come more easily, and the number of days that contain tears will dwindle.

Recently someone asked me if I would make a different decision if I could go back and do it all over again.  And as much as I'd like to say I would, I know that I couldn't.  I won't bore you all with the circumstances that required me to make this unwanted move to Charlotte, but trust me when I say if I could have avoided it, I would have.  But I couldn't, so here I am, picking up the pieces from a year of challenges and hoping to cobble back together a life I am proud of in 2014.

So here's hoping that 2014 contains more joy than sorrow.  More smiles than tears.  More laughter than anguish.  And more than anything, I hope that 2014 includes the closing of the chapter of my time in Charlotte - and the start of a new chapter back in the Midwest.

Tonight, I will quietly usher out 2013 (and honestly give it a metaphorical middle finger), but I will welcome, with joy, a New Year.

I wish everyone a very safe and Happy New Year!

A Year Ago

Happy Friday, everyone!  We made it through another week.  Woo hoo.  I fly to NYC today and fly home for Christmas a week from today so have lots of good things to pull me through the month of December.

I don't know what it is about this time of year, but it seems to bring out a sense of nostalgia.  We think back on holiday seasons from our childhood.  We keep traditions alive that we've established with our family and friends.  There is a sense of anticipation for the celebration of another holiday, but my feelings during this season are closely tied to Christmases past.

Lately I've spent a lot of time thinking about what was happening in my life a year ago.  And to be quite honest, looking back is apt to bring tears to my eyes.  And not happy tears.  I think about how a year ago I was living in a city I love, working for a boss I trusted. I had ample friends at work and people on my team that I trusted.  I loved the condo where I was living and had plenty of room to host friends and family.  I had been dating Phil for 2 months.  I was excited to celebrate our first Christmas together and we attended his Christmas party together a year ago tomorrow.  

Flash forward a year, and it's all changed.  I live in Charlotte now.  I work with a new team where I feel like an outsider.  I have this smaller apartment that I don't particularly like, in a complex that I am not pleased with due to things like the fact that I've had my door banged on by drunks at 3 in the morning or have had to file a noise complaint due to the ridiculous level of noise on weekend nights. 

I want to go back in time to the life I had a year ago.  I want to be at a place where I can say, for the most part, that I really love my life.  I'm approaching the one year anniversary of finding about my move to Charlotte and while some think I should be encouraged by the fact that over 8 months have passed since I moved here, all I feel is discouraged.  I know where I want to end up in 2014, but I don't see a path that will lead me there.  My head spins with details such as the expense of flying back for interviews, my non-compete clause and how that will impact my ability to negotiate a job offer, lease breaking fees, and how I will ensure I don't have a gap in insurance as going without insurance is no longer an option thanks to my $2,000/month RA drug. 

This is supposed to be the most happy time of the year, and I feel like most around me are so excited for the holiday season.  And don't get me wrong, I am excited to return home to celebrate Christmas with my family.  I just wish I could chase away these feels of sadness and stress that are hanging over me and won't seem to go away. 

I'm hoping that I can shove these feelings to the side and truly enjoy my trip home next week, but it's easier said than done.  I'm hoping that once I can start to actively look for jobs, I'll feel more in control and optimistic about the path my life will take in 2014.  But right now 2014 is so full of uncertainty.  And that is very hard for me. 

So this is where I am at right now.  I'm sad and sick of Charlotte and oh so ready for this chapter of my life to be behind me.  I know I posted a wish list last week but all I want for Christmas is a job back in the Midwest and a timeline for when I can return home, which is something that Santa, nor anyone else, can provide.  I'm trying to believe that it will all work out, but it's hard. 

But here's hoping that a year from now, I am preparing to celebrate Christmas back in the Midwest and can look back on this holiday season and say that my Charlotte experience is firmly in the past.

Still a Struggle

Last month as we neared the end of our Myrtle Beach girls trip and approached Charlotte,  my sister said she had had a great time, but said 'I am ready to go home now.'

I thought to myself: 'Me too, sister, me too.'

But I am not home yet - I visit home for brief fragments of times, but it's always tinged with the emotions of impermanence. At the end of every trip home, I have to deal with the sad and difficult emotions of getting back on a plane to Charlotte.  7 months later, it's still hard. I still cry. I still grieve the fact that while it is not and will never be 'home', it is where I currently have to live.

I know I am past the half way point of my year commitment but the time just can't go fast enough. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as I am over half way through my one year relocation contract, but I still have 5 months left (plus however long it takes me to find a new job).  I'm just so over the "I hear Charlotte is a nice place to live" and the "this is a growth opportunity for you" comments.  I'm over justifying and explaining why I don't like Charlotte.

Don't get me wrong - I am thankful for the great career I have, but I want more.  I want a relationship and ample friends and family close by.  And more than anything, I just want to be home - or in a city, such as Chicago - that I would be happy and proud to call home.

This last trip home was so wonderful but it was also a little bit harder than the other trips because I have no return trips scheduled; this was the first time I have left Minneapolis unsure about when I would return. (I will be at the lake for Christmas but I won't spend anytime in Minneapolis on that trip.)

There is no clear cut or guaranteed path back to Minneapolis. I have this one year commitment related to my relocation contract, but after that, it's up to me to figure out how to get out of Charlotte.  I know that like many other things in life, I have to trust that things will fall into place and everything will work out, but sometimes it feels like it's going to take a miracle for everything to fall into place. 

So that is where I am at right now. I am sad and tired and just so very over this unwanted cross country move. I have many trips to distract me in the coming months, such as trips as Paris, NYC and Austin.  And I am so very thankful for all of these trips, but no matter how many trips I plan or how busy I try to stay, it does not offset the fact that all I really want is a one way ticket to Minneapolis.

I know this post is heavy and sad, but it's where I am at right now.  It's my reality and I am trying to believe it is temporary.  But gosh, it is still just so so hard.

But tomorrow, I kick off my 10 days of Thanksgiving post series.  It's going to be really good for me to focus on the many blessings in my life right now.  

6 months

It is hard to believe it, but today marks 6 months since I moved to Charlotte.  In some ways, the move feels so long ago, but in other ways it feels like not much time has passed.  When I think back to that day when I landed in Charlotte, I want to reach back through time and give myself a good, long hug.  I still vividly remember the emotions of that day, from waking up in tears, the horrible goodbye to Phil at the airport (I cried so hard, the TSA agent brought me a box of kleenex when I went through security), and the silent tears that wouldn't seem to stop on my flights.

I am really proud of how far I have come in the last 6 months.  I would say the last 6 months have probably been the toughest 6 months of my life.  From the stress fractures to the CFA stress to the break-up to my aunt passing away to my RA diagnosis, a lot of things have happened that would have been difficult to deal with on my home turf.  But I faced it all in a place that is foreign to me and came out on the other side of it all.  My progress here has certainly not been linear.  It's one step forward, two steps back, but I've made progress.

Over the past 6 months, I have had some people tell me that I am so brave and I am handling this so well.  Sometimes when people say this, I want to convince them otherwise.  I want to tell they can't possibly be seeing me for what I am because I would have never used the word brave to describe myself; I would never say I have handled this move well.  But I guess one of the gifts of friendship is that friends see things in us that we don't allow ourselves to see or maybe they have more realistic expectations.  I can see now that I have been brave.  I have been scared and sad and mad and wrought with anxiety at different points, but I can see now that I can feel all of those things and still be brave.

These days, I am trying to shift my perspective and think of my time in Charlotte as a study abroad experience.  I can observe the culture and notice things I like and don't like, but I don't have to embrace the culture and make it my own because I will not make my permanent home here.  I am hoping this perspective will help me get a little less upset about the things that bother me.

My coping mechanism has certainly been traveling.  Between work travel and traveling for pleasure, I am gone at least 2 weekends a month and several work days.  This schedule works for me and will help me get through my time here.  I have had people tell me they are envious or jealous of my travels - I bite my tongue when I hear this, but what I want to say is - yes, I am fortunate to be able to travel so much, but please don't be jealous. I would trade lives and live in a place I don't dislike and had ample friends/family to see in exchange for all the travel I am doing.  That is truly the case.  I'd so much rather be living in Minneapolis or Chicago and not racking up airline miles.  But until that is the case, I will hop on a plane every other weekend to escape this city.

So here's to the next 6 months.  I hope and believe they will be easier and less issue-free than the first 6 were.  

Tiny Beautiful Things - on Acceptance

Last month, I read Tiny Beautiful Things, which is a collection of advice columns that Cheryl Strayed wrote, under the pen name "Sugar."  It is a unique book since it's a collection of all of these different people's problem, many of which are problems you and I maybe have not encountered.  And yet - her response tends to contain some nugget of wisdom that you can apply to some other problem or issue you have.

Like this excerpt of advice, which is the first of 2 excerpts from this book that I will be sharing this month.  I read it, nodding my head along, feeling like "Sugar" was talking to me.

"Acceptance asks only that you embrace what's true.

Strange as it sounds, I don't think you've done that yet.  I can hear it in the pitch of your letter.  You're so outraged and surprised that this shitty thing happened to you that there's a piece of you that isn't yet convinced it did.  You're looking for the explanation, the loophole, the bright twist in the dark tale that reverse its course.  Anyone would be.  It's the reason I've had to narrate my own stories of injustice about seven thousand times, as if by raging about it once more the story will change and by the end of it I won't still be the woman hanging on the end of the line.

But it won't change, for me or for you or for anyone who has ever been wronged, which is everyone.  We are all at some point - and usually at many points over the course of a life - the woman hanging on the end of the line.  Allow your acceptance of that to be a transformative experience.  You do that by simply looking it square in the face and then moving on.  You don't have to move fast or far.  You can go just an inch.  You can mark your progress breath by breath."

Anyone who has had any in depth conversations with me about 2013 and my unwanted move (and slew of other things that have happened) is probably nodding their head along as they read this, too.  I have been living in Charlotte for 5 months now, and I can't say I've made much progress at all in accepting that this is the path my life has taken.  When a conversation with a friend or family member turns to my move to Charlotte, I am the person narrating my story of injustice over and over again - as if telling people how much I wish this move wouldn't have happened will change the fact that it did.  

But it turns out raging about it doesn't make a dang bit of difference.  The fact of the matter is that I am here, at least for the time being.  But honestly, I have felt that by not accepting it, it didn't need to be permanent.  I felt like accepting it might make it appear as though I wanted it to happen, or that I like it here.

But I know deep down that my inability to "accept" all that has occurred this year is not helping.  Raging against this relocation doesn't change the fact that it happened.  It happened.  I'm here, like it or not.

I don't really know how acceptance is going to come about for me, but I do know that it starts with me acknowledging that I need to find a way to achieve acceptance.  It probably starts with acknowledging that there are things I like about Charlotte.  Things like the small group of friends I've made, the city's selection of GF crepe places, the church where I attend mass, the proximity of the mountains, and the trees that flower far longer than any trees I've seen in the Midwest.

I guess, as Sugar says, it's going to start inch by inch, and breath by breath.

Have you ever been through something you had a difficult time accepting?

Lost

I just got lost

Every river that I tried to cross

Every door I ever tried was lock

Oh and I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off 

There's clearly a lengthy list of the things that I am struggling with related to this move, but lately one thing I am struggling with on a regular basis is this feeling of being perpetually lost.  I have a GPS in my car and use google maps on my phone, and while they help, it's not foolproof.  Every week, I seem to get lost.

Now, I am using the word "lost" loosely - it's not like I am in the middle of nowhere.  I can always find my way back to where I am going or need to be.  It's just that everything takes SO MUCH LONGER than it should.  For instance, I left an hour early for an appointment that was about 20 minutes away a couple of weeks ago.  I was using my GPS, but apparently the exit numbers were renumbered since my GPS was last updated (I haven't updated it because they charge you to do so which is ridiculous IMO), so I missed my exit as I was looking for a different number.  So what do I see next?  A sign that says "Welcome to South Carolina".

I was like - really?  I missed an exit and ended up in a different state?  It was especially jarring because I didn't even *realize* South Carolina was THAT close.  Poor Becky was on the phone with me when this happened so she got to see how ragey I get when I get lost and have no idea where I am.

I used my iPhone to find an alternative route and still made it to my appointment on time, so it all worked out.  But that feeling of frustration/confusion?  It really sucks.  If it happened once in awhile, it would be a different thing.  But it happens almost every. single. week.

I miss knowing the lay of the land and understanding how long it will take to get to certain places.  I miss knowing the traffic patterns well enough to know how soon I should get over to the right-most lane to take an exit.  I miss knowing alternative routes to get places if traffic is bad.  I miss having most of what I needed a short walk or bike ride away. These days every place I need to be, besides work, is a drive away.

I know it takes time to develop knowledge of an area.  I just underestimated how much it would impact me to be lost SO often.  I will be the first to admit that I have a terrible sense of direction, so I know I am partly to blame for this, but it's still frustrating.  It's been nearly 4 months since my move, so I know I am still 'new' to the city but gosh I hope it starts getting easier really soon.

I know my post related to Charlotte lately have not been positive, but I am just trying to be real.  Living here is really hard and I keep waiting for it to get easier, and it's not.  Some days I trick myself into thinking it is, but then the next day I get lost or something happens back home that makes me want to be closer or I see a picture of Minneapolis on Facebook and I grieve about moving here all over again.  I know I need to be more patient with my transition, but dang - I wish it was a little bit less hard.

Have you ever moved to a new city and struggled with this?  Do you have a good sense of direction or are you directionally challenged like me?

My Survival Award

So this year has kind of metaphorically kicked the crap out of me.  I've been challenged in more ways than I have ever been in a single year of my life.  But I am thriving and surviving and trying to persevere.  While I think of myself as a pretty frugal person that does not tend to splurge very often, I decided to splurge on something to reward myself to getting through this tough year (or at least the first half - I have to believe the worst is behind me).

What is that reward?  I'm going to Paris!

Before this whole unforeseen relocation, my plan had been to go to Paris in April if I passed level 3 of the CFA.  But then I got relocated and life got turned upside down. Shortly after moving, I realized that even if I do find out that I passed the CFA next month, an April trip to Paris was not in the cards for me as next April will mark one year in Charlotte, and I have no idea what the future holds after that.  Planning a trip to Paris just wasn't responsible as I just might be moving at that point.  Who knows.

So I had resigned myself to the fact that a trip to Paris just wasn't in the cards for me until 2015 most likely.  But then I got to thinking...  maybe I could go to Paris for Thanksgiving.  In the back of my mind, it all seemed very unlikely, but I decided to look at airfare, and if it wasn't exorbitant, and if the guy I rented an apartment from in 2011 had one available in the Latin Quarter, then I would go.

Well, it turns out that there was in fact an apartment in the Latin Quarter available for rent AND the plane ticket was not ridiculous.  It's not cheap by any stretch of the imagination since Charlotte is not a hub for international travel, but it was reasonable.

So I ran the idea by a couple of people who know me well, and are honest.  The response I got was basically "YES, OF COURSE, GO!"

And so I am going!!  I will be in Paris for 5 days in late November!  My flight is booked and I've signed the contract on an adorable apartment in the Latin Quarter, which is an area I haven't stayed in before.

I'll wake up to this view...

Why yes, that is the Notre Dam in the background!

And this is where I still stay...

I might not come back.  (Just kidding, Mom).

It all still feels like a dream to me at this point.  Part of me feels guilty spending the money (even though I have more than enough in savings), but a bigger part of me knows that I need and deserve this trip.

The thing is - this trip just might be what saves me.  I know that sounds dramatic to say, but there is just something special about Paris.  Even though it's far from my roots of North Dakota, going there feels a little bit like coming home.  I always come back from Paris feeling happier, more full of life, and honestly, more full of hope.  Now, more than ever, I need to be filled with those emotions.

And in the end, Audrey Hepburn said it best when she said:

"Paris is always a good idea"

1st Quarter

Well, here I am, 1/4 of the way through my one year commitment to Charlotte.  To be clear, I don't know how long I will be in Charlotte, but I for sure have to be here for a year or there will be financial ramifications as I would have to pay back my relocation package (which was NOT cheap).  I don't know what the future will bring, so I may be here longer than a year, but right now I am counting down my year commitment as I am looking forward to having the freedom to pursue other opportunities in the Midwest should they arise.

I'm not going to sugar coat the last 3 months.  They have been tough.  And to be clear, this is not me being negative, this is me being real.  I strive to be an authentic communicator, so I refuse to make this experience out to be anything different than what it truly has been.  It has been hard.  The number of changes I've been through is staggering.  In the last 3 months, I've changed cities, bosses (actually I recently changed bosses again - that's 4 bosses in 12 months, by the way), positions (I focus on a different client group since moving to Charlotte), and my relationship status has changed.  There is really not much else that can change in my life, to be quite honest.  Add in the stress of the CFA and a never-ending stress fracture that is preventing me from exercising, and well, it's been a perfect storm.

Over the last 3 months, I've gone from counting down the weeks until my year commitment to counting down the months (which I consider progress).  I've made one really good friend who is almost like a guardian angel as she has really helped me feel more at home down here.  I've re-learned how much I hate driving and now know with absolute certainty that I need to live in a city with a pedestrian lifestyle, meaning I can mostly walk (or take an efficient form of public transportation) to anywhere I need/want to be (work, church, grocery stores, retail stores).  I've planned A LOT of trips and am trying to see as much of the area as I possibly can.  I've confirmed that I am not the kind of person who is built to live far from family and close friends.

I think the number one thing I have struggled with is the pressure from others to love Charlotte.  I respect their love of this city and I can understand why they want to call this place home.  But the fact that Charlotte is not a good fit for me should not take away from their love of the city.  We can all have our own favorite cities - they do not need to be the same.  To be clear, in these conversations, I am not proclaiming my dislike of Charlotte - instead I am expressing the fact that it's just not a great fit for me.  You can hate on Minneapolis all day long, but it honestly won't offend me or take away from my love of the city.  I do not expect everyone to love Minneapolis and if someone moved there, I would not expect them to love it - either immediately or with the passage of time. I can say this because I know people who have recently moved to Minneapolis.  I do not expect them to love it now - or ever really.  I will offer suggestions on things they can see/do to help them enjoy it while they are there, but I don't expect them to love it there, and the fact that they don't like it is not a personal affront to me.   There are things we all need from a city and while Charlotte does not have the things that I need from a city, that doesn't mean it doesn't meet the bill of needs of others.

But I am trying.  I have sought out things to do in the Charlotte area.  I've made new friends.  I've worked hard at work to try to build credibility with the new group of sales reps that I now work with.  I've joined a church.  I've put myself out there by sending emails to people asking them to dinners, coffee, etc.  I really am trying.  I know I will be here for at least a year and I am trying to make the most of that year.

I recognize the fact that things will get better as the year progresses.  Being able to return to running will really help, so I am hoping that can happen by September.  Even being out of the boot and being able to walk or hike or be active in general will help.  North Carolina is a beautiful state and I hope to be able to get out and enjoy it a bit more than I have when I recover from this pesky stress fracture.

Luckily, I have some really great things to look forward to, including one amazing thing.  But this post is getting too long to talk about what I am looking forward to, so I'll be sharing that later this week.  So stay tuned...

And - I'll be back tomorrow with a recap of my DC trip (spoiler alert:  I had the best time!)

Having It All?

While I have a lot on my mind with the upcoming CFA, adjusting to Charlotte, and working through this injury, I have also had a lot of downtime since I got to Charlotte.  And a lot of (solo) downtime means that I have had a lot of time to think over the last 6+ weeks.

I am too old for a quarter-life crisis and I am too young for a mid-life crisis, and I wouldn't use the word 'crisis' to describe my state of mind.  Maybe instead it would be better to call it a 'what exactly am I doing with my life' frame of mind. 

Years ago when I decided to pursue my MBA, I made a commitment to making my career one of the top priorities in my life.  Except my 25-year old self didn't really realize it then.  Getting my MBA just seemed like a natural next step and it was a personal accomplishment I wanted to have.  I did not properly consider the financial ramifications of that decision at the time.  Yes, I am financially secure and able to provide for myself and pay back my student loans, but the student loans associated with that MBA are a ball and chain around my neck that I tote around.  It dictates how much I need to earn, which means I have less flexibility when it comes to the kind of opportunities I pursue.

All this is not to say that I don't want a challenging career.  I have worked hard to get to where I am at and have invested a lot of money in my education and time into the CFA.  And I like to be challenged.  I guess what I am questioning is how big of a career is big enough for me?  How many sacrifices - like the ones I am currently making - do I want to make along the way for my career?

I don't really know the answer to all of these questions.  A couple of years ago I thought I could have it all.  I could have a challenging career, live close to family, and hopefully one day get married and have kids.  Now?  I don't feel that way anymore.  Eventually, I'm going to have to make some choices and figure out what I want as I really never see myself living in Charlotte, working in my position, and having a husband and children.

Right now, I find myself in a position where I am putting my life on hold to focus on my career.  Don't get me wrong, I love my career and feel fortunate that I can say that.  I just don't know if I love it enough to let go of the other things that I want in life.  I thought for the longest time that if I just kept focusing on what was in my control (my career), the rest (marriage and a family) would fall into place on it's own.  But now that focus on my career has led me away from my boyfriend, family, and friends to a city where I would never want to settle down and raise a family.  Thus, I feel like I am getting further and further from what matters the most to me.  I could have a challenging, lucrative career, but what is the sense of earning more and more money if I don't have someone to eat dinner with or travel with, or friends to spend time with?  And if I continue down this path of only pursuing my career aspirations, what am I going to have to show for it at the end of my life? 

I guess it was inevitable that I was going to hit a fork in the road at some point that would require me to make somewhat of a choice between my career and my personal life.  I'm not saying it is an either/or proposition.  I know I can have a great career and a great personal life, I just don't feel like that is the case right now.

So at this point, my goal is to pay off my grad school loans as aggressively as I possibly can so that I will eventually have the financial flexibility to possibly take a pay cut in order to find a job in a geographical location that is closer to my family and friends. 

Have you ever found yourself questioning whether you are on the right path in life?  I think I am particularly struggling because I don't really feel like moving to Charlotte was a path I chose - it was something I felt like I had to do to ensure I'd have financial stability.  Nonetheless, I'm on this path and it's up to me to figure out how to change course.

First Month in Charlotte: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Well, my first month in Charlotte has come and gone.  It wasn't my best month, but it went fairly fast.  When I drive around to Target or church or wherever, I still keep thinking, "I can't believe I live here..."  I have not been out and about all that much, mostly because wearing the boot makes it difficult to walk around much (and I am not supposed to walk around much so my foot can heal) and even driving is a pain since it's my right foot that is injured so I have to change into a different driving brace, then change back into the boot when I get to where I am going.  And it is all just a hassle.  So I have been a bit of a recluse this month.  That WILL change after the CFA exam, and hopefully by getting out more, my attitude towards Charlotte will shift as well.

I think the best way to sum up my first month is to share the good, the bad, and the ugly side of my first month here...

The good...
- I like working on the trading floor here.  There is a tangible buzz and I enjoy being part of a team.  When my former boss left the company last August, I went from being part of a partnership to being a bit of an island.  It is nice to have co-workers to bounce ideas off and it is nice to have colleagues who are willing to read/edit articles I write.


- I have been traveling less.  Most of my trips this year were to Charlotte so now that I am living here, my travel has been reduced significantly, which is a good thing as traveling during CFA study season is VERY difficult.  I will be traveling more after the test but it will be much more manageable and not an every week kind of things like it was in Feb/March.

- I found a church that I really like which reminds me a lot of my favorite church in the Minneapolis area.  They have a Theology on the Vine (i.e. learn more about the Catholic faith over wine) social event for young adults so I am going to check this out after the CFA exam.

The bad...
- It's lonely.  I knew it would be, but it's still hard.  I have a couple of friends, but it's different to go from having so many friends, I couldn't see them as often as I'd like to having, well, about 2 friends.  I miss Phil.  I miss making dinner for him and playing cribbage; I miss his hugs.  I miss coffee dates and lunch dates with friends. Moving to a new city alone at the age of 32 when everyone else around your age is settled in their lives makes moving and making new friends particularly difficult.

- There are way too few coffee shops.  No really.  I'm not kidding.  My latte Friday tradition has died because it would honestly take me an extra half hour to walk to a coffee shop.  There is one coffee shop by work but they don't serve vanilla lattes (what in the what?).  I guess I am saving myself $5/week, but it still bums me out.  Allegedly a Starbucks will be opening in the lobby of my building.  I really hope this happens.

- I have had to cancel trips I had planned - like my trip to Oregon for my friend Lauren's wedding.  Now that I have to budget for plane tickets home, I just couldn't do a big vacation this year.  I am SO bummed. :(

The ugly...
- The company I work for acquired another large company during the financial crisis (some may say we saved this other company). I went from living in the land of the acquirer to living in the land of the acquiree.  I know mergers/acquisition are not equitable to all parties involved.  People lose jobs and business practices are changed.  Now I get to hear all about how awful my employer is.  It's not fun and while I am listening to the airing of grievances, I try to kindly remind the person that I am currently living in a city I never would have choose to live in as a result of that acquisition, so it hasn't exactly been all sunshine and rainbows for employees of the acquirer either.

- I've cried. A lot.  Sometimes for reasons related to the move, sometimes because of things happening to people I care about back home, sometimes for really no reason at all.  But to be clear - I am not depressed.  And I personally think crying is healthy.  Most of the things bringing me down in life are situational, 'this, too, shall pass' kind of scenarios, so things will get better eventually.  I think having the stress of the CFA behind me and being able to do cardio again will help as I have so much stress right now and no outlets for it.

So there you have it!  Here's hoping that as the month pass, each month gets a little bit better.  

Feeling Blessed

Ok, so clearly this transition from Minneapolis to Charlotte has not been easy for me, to say the least...  But I will say that while I am going through a difficult time, I have been reminded that I am very blessed with wonderful family and friends who have done as much as they can to make this transition better. 

Besides lots of emails, texts, and phone calls from friends checking in, I have also been on the receiving end of a whole lot of mail, packages, and other fun surprises.  The concierge emails me every time something is delivered for me and it makes going home just a little bit more exciting knowing I have something waiting there for me.

Here are some of the fun things I've received over the last 3 weeks!

Beautiful flowers from my parents, which lasted over a week!

I received my first macaron of the month club delivery that my 3 best girlfriends from college got me.  These arrived the day after I found out about my stress fracture, so the timing of their delivery was impeccable...

Becky sent an out-of-this-world care package!  The guide of awesome really IS awesome.  I can't wait to be done studying so I can check out some of the activities Becky highlights!

Lots and lots of snail mail (I have received more than is pictured)!  In a single day, I received 2 Paris-themed cards, and a book set in Paris (from Kelly).  My friends know me well.  Not pictured:  the sea salt chocolate bar Kelly sent that I consumed...  The note cards in the top left corner are the addressed note cards my friends gave out at my going away party - super thoughtful of them, it's the gift that keeps on giving.

So yes, I have been spoiled.  But as tough as these past 3+ weeks have been, I do feel very very blessed.

From the Land of Ma'am: My Apartment

Greetings and happy Wednesday.  Luckily I am feeling much better than I did when I wrote Monday's post.  I have a permanent desk now at work.  Just having that stability is really helping.  I'm feeling more settled, and in general am in a better place mentally than I was on Monday.  Onwards and upwards.

While I may not have really  chosen this move to Charlotte, the reality of the situation is that I am here.  The days are long, but the years are short so I figure I might as well make the most of my time here.  In an effort to motivate myself to see the good, I decided to start a post series that I will call "From the Land of Ma'am."  Since I'll be exploring more areas than Charlotte, I thought a "Southern-influenced" post series theme was appropriate.  And, after all, I am living in an area of the country where they say ma'am A LOT!

To kick off my post series, I thought I'd share some pictures of my new home with you.  I've been in my new apartment for a little over a week now and am mostly settled in.  I still have some organizational projects to do, but for the most part I am pretty much settled.  All in all, I like my apartment.  My main complaint is the lack of storage.  I have 1 closet total - no entry closet, no coat closet, nothing.  Just one smallish walk-in closet.  I had 3 closets, a linen closet, a kitchen pantry, and a storage unit in my last place so it's a drastic change for me to have such little storage.  I tried to fit as much into my closet as possible but admitted defeat last week and ended up renting an onsite storage unit.  I just couldn't handle throwing more out or donating more (I did a lot of that before my move and have sort of had it with purging).

I am fairly happy with how it is arranged, with the exception of the placement of my dining room table (I want to pull it away from the wall), but that is not a piece of furniture I can move on my own, so that will have to wait.  Here are some pictures of my new space.

Living Room

The living room from a different perspective (the door on the left leads to my balcony)

My beautiful kitchen

My bedroom (I have a sliding glass door that leads to the balcony which overlooks a courtyard)

My building has a lot of great features such as a concierge who signs for packages and notifies you of their arrival via email, a small gym, outdoor pool area, yoga studio where you can do workout/yoga DVDs, a small movie room, and a business center.  It's quiet and it's just over a 1/2 mile walk to work.  On days when I don't want to walk to work, there is a free trolley-style bus that picks up in front of my apartment building and drops me off right in front of my office building.

So all in all, it is a good place to live.  It's small, but besides the lack of storage, I think I will be pretty happy here.

What do you like best about your home?  Do you like your floor plan?  I picked this apartment primarily because of the cost and proximity to work, but also because of the open floor plan, which is the kind of floor plan I had in my last place and the kind I prefer.

Checking In...

Greetings and Happy Wednesday, everyone.  I made it to Charlotte in one piece.  As expected, the goodbyes were really tough and I spent much of Sunday in tears...  But I am here and trying to embrace the April quote from my Erin Condren planner:

However - I am giving myself this week off from 'bloom where you are planted' because I think it's kind of impossible to be happy/optimistic in the midst of unpacking.

There have been some positive things since I arrived.  First off, the weather is beautiful!  The sun is shining and the temperatures are in the 70-80 degree range.  Meanwhile, there is a snow storm that is hitting Minneapolis and may drop 8+" of snow.  So I would definitely rather have this weather.  Secondly, a co-worker took me Target on Monday so I could buy some things that I couldn't pack in my suitcase, like a pillow.  Oh and by the way, I think it is awesome that Target sells wine.  Yes, this is making my list of positives.  Target is not allowed to sell alcohol in the states of Minnesota and North Dakota (and in other areas of the country I believe). Now I am not a big drinker at all, but I do enjoy the occasional glass of wine, so a box of wine may have made it in my cart.  Yes, I realize drinking boxed wine is super classy, but it's practical for a person like me that tends to just want one small glass.

There have been some not so positive things since I arrived, mostly related to moving in.  It went smoothly and the moving company was great to work with (side note:  I have never been called ma'am so many times in my life).  BUT - I totally underestimated how much I needed to downsize for this move.  I really thought I had gotten rid of enough stuff as I took several loads to goodwill and a car full of things to my parents.  Ha.  I did not even come close to downsizing enough.  I am bursting at the seams.  The lack of closet space is my biggest challenge as I only have one small closet in my bedroom that barely fits the clothes I own.  So yah.  Round 2 of downsizing will be happening. 

So that's where I am at right now.  I don't know that I have ever been so busy or overwhelmed.  Moving in the midst of CFA season is HORRID.  I'm so stressed from that as the review process is not going very well this year and I am not happy with how I am doing on my practice assessments.  And I'm stressed from the disaster that is my apartment.  I am hoping the moving company can return this weekend to pick up the boxes because that will really help reduce the look of clutter that makes me tweak out. 

I have a fairly quiet weekend ahead of me, so I am hoping to get lots of CFA studying done and some purging done.  And I am crossing my fingers that my car arrives soon so I can do another goodwill drop.

I hope you all have a great rest of the week.  Besides a guest post on Friday, I will probably be quiet around these parts for the next week or so as I try to get settled in.  When my place no longer looks like a total and complete disaster, I will share pictures. 

Thanks for the Memories

Well, the packing and removal of my belongings is complete, and it went very smoothly.  I don't really think I can find the words to do justice to the feelings I felt as I sat there and watched the movers box up my belongings and cart them away.  I am not going to sugar coat this experience.  At the end of the day as I walked around my empty apartment that I loved through-and-through, I felt as empty as it looked...  I knew it would be a hard day, but it was actually harder than I thought it would be.  But so it goes.

It is hard to believe my last weekend in Minneapolis has come.  For the most part this weekend came really fast - too fast, actually.  But in some ways, the last three months since I found out about this move has felt like one long goodbye.  I have tried to live in the moment as much as possible and have been fairly successful at doing this, but in the back of my mind, I was often thinking things like 'this is the last time I will do this,' 'this is the last time I will see this person before my move' etc etc.  I am really really sad to leave, but in some ways, I am ready for the move to be behind me as I am sort of tired of living in limbo.  I feel like I've metaphorically had one foot in Minneapolis and one foot in Charlotte for the past couple of months, so I am ready to have my feet firmly planted in one place.  Plus I am ready for the clock on my one year commitment to Charlotte to start ticking.

So much has happened in the last 10 years I've spent in Minneapolis.  I learned how to live on my own.  I had my heart broken and mended.  I got my MBA.  I started blogging and met this whole community of amazing people.  I became an aunt - 6 times!  I watched dear friends marry their soul mates.  I watched my sister marry her soul mate.  I became a faux-aunt to the children of friends.  I trained and ran my first marathon - and then two more.  I said goodbye to friends who moved onto new cities.  I met new friends.  I discovered my love for Paris and all things French.  I shared that love of France by starting the tradition of Julia Child Night with my aunt.  I passed the first two levels of the CFA. I bought a condo.  I became a landlord.  I figured out that I really am a city mouse.  I joined a running club and met a whole bunch of friends through that.  I tried different jobs and found the career path that was meant for me.  I figured out who I really am and what I value in a lifestyle.

The last 10 years had their fair share of difficult times.  But looking back, the good far outweighs the bad.  All of these experiences and memories have made me who I am today.  They are tucked away in my heart and I will carry them along on this journey I am taking.  10 years ago, I could not fathom moving across the country.  And certainly not alone.  But these things I will do.

On Sunday I will board my one-way flight to Charlotte.  There will undoubtedly be many tears shed, and while it's been a long goodbye, I really know in my heart that it's more of a 'see you later'.  It's a one way ticket, but I think of it more as an open-ended ticket.  I firmly believe there will be a return flight some day.  I don't know when and I don't really know where (Minneapolis?  Chicago?).  But, barring the highly unlikely scenario of me falling in love with the south, I feel confident that I will find my way back to the Midwest.

I know I have tough times ahead of me as I begin to adjust to my new home, but I also believe that, similar to the photo below, the clouds will part and the sun will shine through.  And, eventually, I will be ok.

See you later, Minnesota.  Thanks for the memories.