Ch-ch-change

TL;DR I'm fine but my kids are both going through challenging changes. 

I knew we had changes ahead of us in June as Paul started the public school summer kids program on Monday. But last Monday, Will moved from the toddler room to the young preschool room where they also started working on potty training. In isolation, either move would come with its challenges but I underestimated the double whammy of both of those changes. 

Overall, Paul has done really well with this change - actually surprisingly well. He was nervous/anxious as he approached this transition and bedtimes certainly suffered as that is when his anxiety surfaces (as is the case for me). Drop offs have been a cinch - he doesn't even hug me good bye. He just waves and he's off! I think back to how hard drop offs were at various times of his toddler/early preschool stage (especially when he returned to daycare after we pulled him from daycare for 7 weeks at the start of the pandemic) so it's encouraging to see that things CAN get better/easier. We are so impressed by the program, too. Every week they study a different country (this week it's Madagascar), every Wednesday is "water Wednesday" and they go to a local splash pad or wading pool, and every Friday there is a field trip. We've seen some challenging behavior in the evening at times, but I know he's very tired as he's adjusting to no nap (one of the reasons we moved him from daycare to this program was because they still napped in his room at daycare which wreaked havoc on bedtime) and they keep them very busy at this program. Plus everything is new - new friends, new teachers, new locations, new schedule. My head would be spinning, too. 

With Will, it's been a WHOLE LOT HARDER. He's a sensitive little guy to start and very much a mama's boy, and I am sure not having his brother with him at drop off is confusing. He transitioned to the new room with his best buddy which helped, but most days he tells us he wants to stay home or come to work with me. And the tantrums. Oh my gosh, the tantrums. Again, I know they are prompted by his little body being overwhelmed by the change but I'm being challenged in a way I never have before. It doesn't help that he hasn't been able to be outdoors the last 2 days because of poor air quality from the smoke of Canadian wildfires. 

I'm usually good at bobbing and weaving and taking what comes at me. But this week has been so very hard that I broke down and cried at book club last night. And I am NOT a crier (thanks to my lexapro rx which helps me manage my anxiety and keeps me on a more even keel). Most of my book club ladies are moms, and they are further down the path of parenthood than I am so they can say - we understand/what you feel is normal. And whether or not you are a mom, we've all had bad days/weeks/months, and my book club gals are so kind and compassionate. 

I don't wish struggles upon my friends, but it's comforting to hear that others have struggles, too. To be clear, I adore my children, but it can feel very isolating to feel like you are so very challenged while everyone else appears to be handling things well. That's one of the reasons I've developed an extra special bond with Elisabeth. I like how open she is about the challenges of parenting. I don't WANT her to struggle, but I feel so seen when she talks about how hard parenting is at times. 

So that's where I'm at today... I'm sitting with these feelings and acknowledging them rather than shoving them under the rug as I am sometimes prone to do. And I'm sharing in the hopes that someone else will feel seen. 

This has been good stuff - like this sweet chalk drawing by Paul.

Weekend Highs and Lows

Happy Monday friends. There were some highs and lows, but all in all, it was a pretty good weekend. Not one I'd really want to re-live, though. Ha. Here is a summary of the highs and lows! I'll start with the lower points and end with the highs!

Lows:
- Assembling this God-forsaken water table. OMG. The company that designed this did NOT consult parents or have anyone attempt to put this thing together. It was horrible to put together. You had to screw a lot of things together but they did not pre-drill the parts so it was difficult to get things properly lined up and took a lot of elbow grease to assemble. About half way through, Phil got out his drill and pre-drilled the plastic to make these easier to screw together. I pity any single parent who tries to assemble this because it definitely a two-person job.

- House hunting angst. Oh man, I will save you the long, drawn-out story about our house search but suffice it to say that after looking for a house for 22 months, Phil changed his mind about the area we are targeting. We were looking at 2 different neighborhoods but after seeing a (beautiful) house in one of those neighborhoods on Friday, he decided to just doesn't want to live there. I was prepared to convince him to make an offer as this house had so much of what we want in a house and the owners have taken such good care of it.

- Paul has a cold and was especially clingy at various points of the weekend. His naps also were not great. Being sick plus not sleeping well is a nasty combination in a toddler.

- I didn't sleep well either due to a multitude of reasons. I went downstairs to read for 20 minutes around 2 or 3 am the last 3 nights after tossing and turning for 30+ minutes. Leaving the bedroom to read helped but that's the last thing I want to be doing at that time of night.

Highs:

- On Saturday morning we went for a long family walk after having a big talk about our house hunt. Honestly, I did not want Phil to come on this walk with me and Paul because I was so frustrated with him. But the 90+ minute walk was very good for us. We walked through the neighborhood we have agreed to focus on and when we got back home, I felt much better about things. Phil felt so bad about the house hunting process and how difficult he's been. I knew he felt really bad when he said, "hey, you should take a picture of Paul and me." Phil HATES having his photo taken so he never suggests that I take a photo of him!

- Phil also agreed to increase our price range for our house search which will give us a better chance of finding what we are looking for. Our price range is still well below what we can afford so we are not stretching ourselves by increasing our price range.

- He also agreed that we can hire a house cleaner. This is something I've wanted to do since having Paul but he always felt our house was small enough that we could clean it ourselves. But this weekend he conceded on this. I could not text my previous house cleaner fast enough. Ha. They are coming on Tuesday. I am ridiculously excited about having our house cleaned by someone else. We are gone 50+ hours/week between working and commuting and the weekends feel so busy with chasing a toddler around. It's going to be a game-changer to have a house cleaner again.

- Paul played with the water table on Saturday morning and he loved it. Seeing that smile made the awful assembly worth it!

- Paul and I had a play date with 2 other moms and their kiddos on Sunday morning. We went to a park that also had a little wading pool. It was so hot and humid so we spent most of our time in the pool. We were too busy wrangling our kids to take any photos!

- I also had a fun girls dinner on Sunday evening with 3 college friends. Paul was very crabby and whiny so I was not sad to head out and miss the tail end of his day. ;) But I left at 5:30 and he goes to bed at 6:30 so Phil only solo-parented for an hour, and a good chunk of that time was spent feeding him dinner.

Writing this out was helpful as there were more highs than lows. It's hard to properly convey how frustrating our house-hunting process has been but I feel like Phil and I made some progress this weekend and I'm hopeful that narrowing our search and increasing our price range will result in us finding the right house for us. I will be so glad when we find a house and can be done looking. People will often say how fun it is to house hunt. I do not agree at all, but inventory is so low and we are looking for something very specific so that makes our house search more challenging! I'm trying to trust it will all work out! Luckily our current house is just fine but once we get pregnant with a 2nd child, we'll really need to find something as our house is too small for 2 kids.

What were some of the highs and lows of your weekend?

What Has Surprised Me About Becoming a Mom

Becoming a parent is one of those things that you think a lot about in advance of it happening. But like many "big" life changes, it's not something you can truly prepare for. You learn by doing.

As I've adjusted to becoming a mom, I've tried to keep an open mind. But as a planner, I had of course tried to envision how I would feel and how my life would change. And there have been plenty of surprises along the way! Here are some of the biggest ones - with some photos of Paul sprinkled in!

We love fall walks!

1. I did not get bored during maternity leave. I had multiple people tell me they got bored during their maternity leave and felt really ready to go back to work. That was so not the case for me and truth be told, I wish I was still on maternity leave. Granted the lack of a schedule did bother me at times but I just learned to embrace it and accept that not all babies follow a schedule. It was hard to not be able to plan things but I knew my time at home with Paul was going to be brief so I embraced the days at home with him. I think part of the reason I didn't get bored was because we had so many doctor appointments between Paul and me. Also, joining the new mom group helped as that got us out of the house twice a week for 6 weeks in March/April and we continued to meet up with the other moms and babies about weekly until late May.

All smiles for daddy when he came home from work

2. I have no time to exercise. Oh my, I had unrealistic expectations about exercise during the first year of parenting. I have felt a sense of shame about not having time to exercise but when I examine my schedule, I realize it's just not something I will have time for until I stop pumping. I mentioned that I don't have time to exercise when I went to lunch with some female coworkers last month and they said, "of course you don't have time to exercise during the first year of parenting! We didn't either!" So it made me feel slightly better that women with a schedule similar to mine weren't able to find time to exercise either. I had (wrongly) been comparing my life to other moms with different work schedules/lengths of maternity leave. Comparison is the thief of joy but I need to remind myself of that over and over and over again. I'm reminding myself that this current stage is temporary and eventually I'll get some time back to myself in the evening when I am done pumping and/or when Paul sleeps better as then I won't need to go to bed so dang early (I strive to be in bed with lights out at 9 which means I need to start my bedtime routine by 8:30 to give myself time to wind down).

Petting our friend's new kitty who is VERY kid-friendly! Paul also met his first dog that day!

3. I miss my baby so much during the work day. I had no idea how hard it would be to be away from Paul for so many hours during the week. This is exacerbated by the fact that he doesn't nap well at daycare so needs to go to bed an hour after we get home. We wake him up about 10-15 minutes before Phil leaves to drop him off at daycare so I don't get much time with him before work either (Phil leaves the house at 6:55 so it doesn't make sense to wake him up any earlier than absolutely necessary!).

He doesn't like most solids that he tries but loved pickles from the first taste!

4. I don't feel like going out on dates with Phil. Everyone tells you that it's important to make time for your spouse when you are a parent and I whole-heartedly agree with this. Before we had Paul I thought we'd have regular dates, like maybe once a month or something? But the reality is that neither of us really want to go anywhere once Paul is in bed. We're tired and babysitters are expensive. The one we use is $15/hour. She's great and the peace of mind of having Paul in the care of a competent babysitter is worth every penny but we don't really want to pay $15/hour + the cost of a meal out. Instead we consider the time we spend together after Paul goes to bed our "quality time." Honestly, a lot of the time we are sitting side by side on the couch, watching something on Netflix or Amazon Prime. I think I might feel differently about this when Paul is in a more challenging stage, like around 2?? Who knows. It's hard to predict how we will feel in the future but for now, at home "dates" are our jam.

What's on the menu mom?

5. I don't need a break from Paul. This one ties into the lesson above. Because we have so little time with Paul and because he's in such a fun, happy stage, I don't need a 'break' from him. I felt differently when I was on maternity leave and was caring for him around the clock, 7 days a week. I welcomed the occasional night off from bedtime or getting out of the house to run errands, go to Target, or get a coffee. Now I don't want any time away from him - even for something relaxing like a massage. Not wanting to be away from Paul has made it hard for me to make time for friends, unless I can bring Paul with. I still value my friendships, but right now family time is more important than anything else. Luckily my friends are happy to have Paul join us for get togethers but that only works if we get together during the day since he goes to bed at 6pm.

Enjoying some playtime outside after work

6. Pumping/breast feeding does not result in losing all of the pregnancy weight. I thought that the calories burned from pumping would mean that I'd lose the pregnancy weight super fast - especially since I did not put much on in the first place. That has not been the case for me. I'm still carrying about 8 extra pounds. Some friends have told me they didn't lose the rest of the pregnancy weight until they stopped breast feeding/pumping so maybe that will be the case for me as well. I'm kind of giving myself a pass on focusing on losing the rest of the weight until I'm done pumping as then I will have more time to exercise and I won't have to worry about eating enough to sustain my milk supply.

What lessons have you learned after going through a big life change?

On Not Getting What You Want

We are 3 weeks into parenting so far and wow has it been an exciting, emotional, exhausting ride thus far. Today's posts is one that should be filed under "real talk." I'm going to preface this post by saying that we are so incredibly grateful to have a healthy, happy baby boy. I have friends who have experienced infertility and gone to great lengths, emotional and financial, to have a child, and I have friends who have children with serious health problems. We are so very grateful that we do not fall into either of those camps. We got pregnant easily and we have a very healthy boy and I'm vowing to never take those blessings for granted.

But dang, so much about being pregnant and having a child has not gone that way I thought it would or wanted it to. A friend once said that her provider told her that women either struggle with getting pregnant, have a difficult pregnancy, have a difficult labor, or struggle or are unable to breastfeed. The provider said that pretty much no one has all 4 of those things come easily to them. I kept that in mind during the pregnancy.

Clearly, getting pregnant was incredibly easy for us as we got pregnant the first month that we tried. Then as my pregnancy progressed, it became clear that I was not going to have an easy pregnancy. It started with the ongoing, painful RA flares. Then I found out I had gestational diabetes due to being on steroids to keep the pain from my RA flares somewhat manageable. Then I got a terrible blood clot that resulted in a hospitalization and twice-a-day blood thinner injections.

As I approached our induction I thought, "OK, this pregnancy has been hard so maybe I will have a good labor and delivery experience." Except that didn't happen as Paul would not descend in the birth canal so I ended up needing a C-section which was something I was *really* hoping to avoid.

But after the C-section I thought - "Ok, maybe breast feeding is going to come fairly easily to us." I felt like I'd been through so much that I was due for something to come easily for a change.

Oh how wrong I was. As I've mentioned in my last 2 Paul updates, breast feeding has been a struggle. Paul struggled to latch in the hospital so we ended up having to use a nipple shield and even with that, he has been such a sleepy eater that I have to strip him down to a diaper and poke and prod him while breast feeding him to keep him awake and sucking. Then we had a string of doctor appointments, weigh ins and lactation consultant weigh ins which showed that Paul was not gaining enough weight. As of our last appointment on Tuesday with the lactation consultant, he's still below birth weight. We did a weighted feed (they weigh him before he eats and then weigh him after he eats on each side). It wasn't surprising to learn that he had eaten less than an ounce because even with all the poking and prodding and tickling, he was barely sucking and swallowing. Not every feed goes like that - sometimes he will suck and swallow pretty consistently. But a lot of the time he doesn't. So he expends calories trying to eat and I feel like crying (and sometimes do) because something that is supposed to be innate and natural is so very difficult for us. And yes, genetics are at play with his lack of weight gain because Phil and I were slow to gain weight and Phil has a hard time keeping weight on (must be rough, huh?). But he should be gaining more weight than he has and every pediatrician weigh in and lactation consultant appointment left me feeling like I was failing.

On Tuesday at our lactation consultant appointment, the LC reviewed our options and then said, "how are you feeling, mom?" I think she sensed how much I was stressing out over his weight and how defeated I was feeling. She said that this is such a brief and fleeting phase of life and that she wants me to enjoy feeding my baby and that she senses that all the struggles we were having with breast feeding were keeping me from really enjoying the time with Paul - or at least the time he spent eating, which is a lot since he eats 8 times a day. Because for the last week or so, I've been breast feeding him and giving him a bottle of pumped milk and then I was pumping after 5-6 feeds which was just exhausting. So we decided that I would doing more pumping and bottle feeding and only put him to the breast first thing in the morning when I am most full and at the end of the day when Phil is around to help. She was very encouraging and positive and said that as he gets stronger, he may get better at sucking and will eat more efficiently. But until then, we need to get some calories in him and get him growing like he should be.

I've cried a lot since Tuesday because this is just not what I envisioned. I've had friends who have struggled with breast feeding and I've supported them and said "fed is best," which I wholeheartedly agree with. But it's different when you have to tell yourself that fed is best, even when it doesn't look like what you had envisioned. I felt like I had paid my dues with a hard pregnancy and difficult delivery/C-section. And I stupidly thought maybe I was 'owed' a good breast feeding experience.

Except that's not how life works. You don't always get what you deserve. You can do all the right things and still experience disappointment over how things play out. And these feelings aren't only limited to the experience of getting pregnant and raising a child. I remember feeling frustrated over how long it took to meet my life partner. There were times when I was so hyper-focused on my love life (or the lack thereof). But then I met Phil and I realized that he was worth the wait and that we both needed to have our time apart to do the things we were meant to do (career development, MBA, CFA, traveling, etc.). Would it have been nice to have met him sooner? Absolutely. But I can look back and see that it all worked out the way it was meant to.

And now I'm having that experience of wanting something else so badly (the ability to breast feed our son) and wondering if it will ever play out the way that I envisioned. But I also know that this is a period of our life where I'm so hyper-focused on how he is getting fed and that in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. No one has ever really asked me if I was breastfed. I was, but it's so not relevant once you are out of the infant phase (yes, there are wonderful benefits to breast feeding but sometimes it just doesn't work). And at the end of the day, Paul is still getting my breast milk (plus some formula because right now I'm not producing enough to satiate him right now).

I know that with time this will feel like less of a huge disappointment and a failing on my part. Logically I know that it's not at all a failure on my part - but post partum hormones/emotions really mess with your mind. I keep reminding myself that he's healthy and happy and that I've done everything possible to try to make breast feeding work and that if I need to exclusively pump to feed him for awhile, indefinitely, or until I need to stop due to the stress and exhaustion of exclusively pumping, then that it OK. But it's hard to get that message from my head to my heart.

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times

Charles Dickens' epic first line from the book, A Tale of Two Cities, sums up how August has gone for me so far. I feel like I've packed about a month's worth of activities into the first two weeks of the month and am definitely ready for life to slow down a bit. Here's what falls under the best/worst category for the month!

The Best of Times...
- My month started out great with a girls weekend getaway to a cabin up north with 5 of my college friends. We did some shopping, ate great food, put together a 1,000 piece puzzle, caught up on each others lives, soaked up the sun, and laughed a lot. We had so much fun and are committed to getting together on an annual basis going forward!

Posing by Babe the Blue Ox, who is the side kick of the American Fok Hero, Paul Bunyan.

- We spent the second weekend hosting Alli and Chris and showing them the sights of Minneapolis. Neither one of them had been to Minneapolis so we did our best to show them the best that our city has to offer. We were gifted with absolutely beautiful weather! I did a terrible job of taking photos of all the things we saw and did, but some of the highlights were walking through the Rose Gardens by Lake Harriet, checking out Minnehaha Falls, walking through my old neighborhood, and eating dinner at one of the best restaurants in Minneapolis.

Alli & Chris by Minnehaha Falls

 - My garden has been producing a ton of fresh produce! I came home from a business trip and picked everything in the picture below, plus a bag of green beans. I already had quite a few tomatoes that I had picked the week before, so I need to figure out how to can stat! My goal is to try to make salsa and spaghetti sauce next weekend.

The Worst of Times...
- I have been so sick. Like the sickest I have been in a very, very long time. After hacking away all weekend during my girls weekend getaway, I ended up going to urgent care last Monday as I'd been sick for a week and hadn't made any improvement. It turns out I had a nasty case of bronchitis. I went to urgent care the morning before leaving for a 3-day business trip to northern California, so the timing was terrible.
 

Starting off my Monday with an urgent care patient bracelet.

- Being sick while traveling for work is HORRID. I coughed through presentations. I was constantly hot/clammy as my body couldn't regulate its temperature and it was so hot in the Central Valley of California where I spent most of my time. The low point of the trip was when I made the mistake of taking my antibiotics on an empty stomach and ended up throwing up one morning. I had to quickly rally as I had 4 different client meetings that day. I was on my own for the first two days and on the final day, the sales rep I was traveling with said I sounded so awful and said he would have understood if I wanted to stay in the car while he went in and did the client meetings. I opted to go into the client meetings with him as I figured I might as well contribute to the conversation since I was already there.

- To top things off, earlier in the month I found out that there was a water issue in the building where the condo I own is and because the connection between the dishwasher and kitchen sink in my unit wasn't properly installed, water backed up in to the kitchen. The laminate tile got wet and warped, so the flooring has to be replaced and I had to get that connection between the sink and the dishwasher fixed. And the oven element stopped working, too, so that is getting replaced.  When it rains, it pours I guess. Anytime I have to shell out money for that condo, it annoys me because I would LOVE to sell it, but it's STILL worth less than the balance of my mortgage. Le sigh. Luckily I have a property manager that deals with stuff like this because clearly I would not have had time to deal with it this month.

So there you have it. It's been a month of insanity. There have been good times, but there have been some tough times. I'm hoping that calmer waters are ahead because I feel like life is totally and completely kicking my *ss right now. Luckily, I have a mostly plan-free week. Thank God. I feel like I've barely seen Phil for the last 2 weeks so we really need some quiet time to just be together. And, his birthday falls this week so I'm glad I'll be around this week so I can help him celebrate it!

What's going on in your world these days?

Living with RA: My First Flare

Those of you who have been reading my blog for quite awhile know that I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis in August of 2013. If you are unfamiliar with it and are curious about it, you can read more about it here. Here's an extremely abbreviate version of what it is:

"Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) is a systemic autoimmune disease which attacks primarily, but not solely, the joints. It is an incurable disease affecting the synovial tissues which surround joints and similar lining tissues of certain organs. Through a very complex process, various kinds of immune cells attack and eventually destroy otherwise healthy tissues."

When I got diagnosed with it in 2013, I started a pretty aggressive treatment plan that put my disease into remission and for the most part, I've been asymptomatic for the last 2 years. Most days I forget that I even have RA. Well, besides when I take my bevy of drugs each week.

Well last Thursday, I was reminded that I do, in fact, have a shitty chronic illness, when I experienced my first RA flare since my diagnosis. When I went to bed on Wednesday night I had some pain in my middle finger but was thinking/hoping it would go away overnight.  Boy was I wrong.  I woke up on Thursday to a very swollen hand.

Due to the swelling in the joints of my right hand, I could not fully extend my fingers or made a fist and the pain was so bad that I ended up crying quite a bit that morning. I could not do the simplest tasks, like grasping the handle of the fridge to open it, holding a spoon, fork or glass to eat and drink, or open my make-up compact. My left hand was fine but doing everything one-handed is challenging - especially eating and applying make-up as I am FAR from being ambidextrous.

My Rheumatologist was not in the clinic that day but luckily I was able to get an appointment with his partner and he did an ultrasound which confirmed that it was definitely an RA flare as he could see the fluid around my joints, indicating that they were under attack by my immune system. He also determined that my cold had turned into a sinus infection so in addition to putting me on a steroid to reduce the swelling, he prescribed a strong antibiotic to take care of the sinus infection.

I know there are a lot 'at least' statements that can be made, like "at least this was your first flare in 2 years!" or "at least this didn't happen when you were in Mexico" or "at least the steroids will help" and I certainly said some of these statements in an effort to make it seem like I was handling it ok. But the reality of the situation is that it royally sucked and I once again felt betrayed by my body. I was reminded that you can do ALL the right things (eat healthy, exercise, etc) but sometimes it does not matter. So I let myself mope and cry and feel all the "why me?" feelings. Because in my opinion, you have to let yourself feel all those things so you can release those emotions and move on from the experience.

The steroids have kicked in and the swelling has subsided but what I am left with is a feeling of fear.  Fear that this was not a fluke and that I will have more flare-ups in the future. Fear that this might happen again when I am traveling for work or while on vacation or at some other time when I don't have access to my physician.  I know that I have to make the choice to not give into those feelings of fear and to trust that my physician will figure something out if more flares continues, but it's hard to choose to walk away from that feeling of fear.

I realize that this is a Debbie Down post and not at all uplifting but I believe in "keeping it real" and showing what real life looks like (when it's your story to share, as it is in this case). Because life is not all sunshine and roses.  I know that I am very blessed to have a supportive boyfriend, kind and caring family members, and compassionate friends. But you can be thankful for all of those big things and still be sad over the circumstances of your life. And right now I'm feeling a little sad.

So right now I'm trying to focus on self-care. I'm giving my body lots of rest and am taking more rest days than I've taken since the marathon. And I'm trying to squelch those feelings of guilt over my lack of activity as I know that rest and extra sleep are what my bodies needs right now. And luckily this flare coincided with a mostly plan-free weekend and today's "shouldless" day. I know that with time this bout of sadness about my RA diagnosis will dissipate as I continue to get better but right now I just have to be OK with not always being OK With my diagnosis.

On Schedules and "Shouldless" Days

The holiday season is upon us, which means that for many of us, our schedules are jam-packed with social occasion, shopping and other holiday preparations.  Take this week for example.  Tonight I am babysitting nephews, tomorrow night I am hosting my friends and their kids for our annual Gingerbread decorating party, Wednesday night I have my work holiday party, and then on Thursday I fly to Chicago to attend the Chicago holiday party.  I'm staying in Chicago until Saturday so that I can spend some time in the office on Friday and hopefully meet my friend Nilsa for a post-work coffee on Friday afternoon, and then I will head out to my brother's, who lives about an hour outside of Chicago, so I can spend some time with them and celebrate an early Christmas with my niece and nephew.  I fly back on Saturday evening so that I can spend some time with Phil on Sunday and do things like grocery shopping, meal prep, and laundry. 

Here's the thing.  My week is filled with things I want to do, but some weeks my days are filled with things I feel I should do.  And I've come to realize that sometimes when I say yes to too many things in a week, the things I wanted to do when I say yes start to feel like things I have to do or should do, and I struggle to live in the moment and enjoy the things I've committed to doing.  I realize this is a total first world problem, but I've been over-filling my schedule for months upon months (or really for years).  Instead of talking about how I really should find a way to plan less, lately I have felt motivated to shift from talking about it to doing something about it.

If you ask Phil, he'll tell you that these days I will commonly start a conversation by saying, "So I was listening to this podcast and..."  But it applies to my current conundrum.  Earlier this year, I was listening to the episode of Death, Sex and Money where Anna Sale interviews the actress Ellen Burstyn.  I embedded the podcast below for those who are interested in listening to it (which I highly recommend as it's filled with all sorts of wisdom). One particular part of the podcast that stuck with me was Ellen Burstyn's explanation of "shouldless" days.  Rather than trying to paraphrase what she said, here is Ellen's explanation of what she means by "shouldless" days.

"I’m very lazy. I have what I called should-less days. Today is a day where there’s nothing I should do. So I only do what I want to do. And if it’s nap in the afternoon or watch TV, and eat ice cream, I get to do it … Should-less days, I recommend them. Because, what I figured out is we have wiring. I have wiring in my brain that calls me lazy, if I’m not doing something. God you’re so lazy—can’t imagine whose voice that is? And that wiring is there. I haven’t been able to get rid of it. But what I can do is I can put in another wiring, I can put in should-less days, so when that voice goes off and says you’re being lazy, I turn to the other wiring in my brain that says, no, this is a should-less day, and I’m doing what I want."

This is something that I really want to try to implement into my life because I struggle with feelings of guilt when I have a "lazy" day and I want to try work on reversing the hard wiring in my brain that tells me that I should always be doing something. Because the reality is that we live in a world that absolutely glorifies the idea of being busy.  Think about how many times a day or week you hear someone talk about how busy they are.  Don't get me wrong - I think it is great to fill our lives with things that we enjoy doing and 80% of the time, that's the kind of life I want to live.  But the other 20% of the time when I feel overwhelmed and exhausted, I want to be able to give myself the gift of a "shouldless" and commitment-free day without feeling guilty or feeling that I am being lazy.

So if the extremely successful actress Ellen Burnstyn can do this, so can I.  And so can you.  For me, "shouldless" days will be filled with things like reading in a local coffee shop, listening to podcasts, going for a walk in my neighborhood, attending a yoga class, or watching Gilmore Girls on Netflix. For me, "shouldless" days will likely contain mostly solo activities as I am an introvert that needs her alone time to recharge my battery, but "shouldless" days may look completely different for someone else.

As we move into a new year, I'll be setting some goals as I always do, and one of those goals will center around "shouldless" days.  Hopefully by putting some structure around having a goal of carving out more time for myself, I'll get better at naturally doing it and not feel guilty about it.  

Do you struggle with over-planning and over-committing?  If not, do you have any suggestions for someone like me who struggles to say no to things?

What I Struggle With

This is one of those posts that should have a subtitle of "keepin' it real."  I read several other posts like this from other bloggers last year, like Caroline's post last fall and really appreciated the honesty of the posts. 

Most of us tend to focus on the good and positive aspects of our life but it can sometimes paint an unrealistic picture of an effortless, issue-free life. Yes, I love my life and am very happy with where I am today, but that doesn't mean there aren't things I struggle with...  So in an effort give you the full story of my life, here are some things that I struggle with.

1.  Saying yes to the right amount of things.  Hi, my name is Lisa and I am an over-planner.  I over-planned my life this fall to the extent that I wasn't really enjoying the plans I was making which defeats the purpose of making plans at all.  I have a hard time saying no to things because it makes me feel guilty and selfish.  I am very fortunate to have so many opportunities to say yes to as I have a diverse group of friends (college friends, work friends from past and current jobs, grad school friends, run club friends, Phil's friends, blog friends, etc) but I have to figure out how to say yes to less so I don't feel bogged down by my schedule.  This has become more challenging now that I am in a relationship as in my single days I would make plans to see friends 3+ days a week and that was fine, but now that Phil is in my life, I want and need to carve out time for the two of us and I also need some alone time on top of all of that. 

2.  Being in a different stage of life than most of my friends.  Let me preface this struggle by saying that I am so very happy that my friends lives have taken the direction they have. But sometimes it is hard to be in such a different place in life than most of my friends (i.e. most are married and have children).  We have less that we are able to relate to in each others lives because the source of our struggles are different and we probably each romanticize what the other person's life is like.  All this is not to say that it's not possible to have close friendships with people who are in a different stage of life, because I do not think that is the case at all...  It has just gotten more challenging for me as I get older and the gap between our day-to-day life experiences widens.

3.  Figuring out my career.  I've worked so hard over the last 8+ years to get my MBA and become a CFA Charterholder. But sometimes (OK, many days lately) I wonder why I worked so hard to arrive on a career path that has left me feeling unfulfilled lately.  I'm not going to give up on a career in finance as I know that some of my dissatisfaction I've felt in my last couple of roles has been strongly influenced by the work environment, but I am struggling to figure out where exactly I fit in the finance world. 

4. Not comparing my relationship to others.  Eleanor Roosevelt said it best when she said, "comparison is the thief of joy."  For the most part, no good comes of comparing our lives to others but it's something I am guilty of, especially when it comes to relationships.  It isn't a healthy exercise because each relationship is as unique as the two people that form the relationship. 

I could go on and include other things like sleep, being patient with others and myself, being in situations where I'm not in control, and the list goes on and on.

It's hard to write posts like this as they make a person feel vulnerable but I think it's important to mix in a dose of reality because I'd hate for anyone to read my blog and come away thinking that I live an easy life or have it all figured out because that is so far from the truth!

What do you struggle with?

Lost

I just got lost

Every river that I tried to cross

Every door I ever tried was lock

Oh and I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off 

There's clearly a lengthy list of the things that I am struggling with related to this move, but lately one thing I am struggling with on a regular basis is this feeling of being perpetually lost.  I have a GPS in my car and use google maps on my phone, and while they help, it's not foolproof.  Every week, I seem to get lost.

Now, I am using the word "lost" loosely - it's not like I am in the middle of nowhere.  I can always find my way back to where I am going or need to be.  It's just that everything takes SO MUCH LONGER than it should.  For instance, I left an hour early for an appointment that was about 20 minutes away a couple of weeks ago.  I was using my GPS, but apparently the exit numbers were renumbered since my GPS was last updated (I haven't updated it because they charge you to do so which is ridiculous IMO), so I missed my exit as I was looking for a different number.  So what do I see next?  A sign that says "Welcome to South Carolina".

I was like - really?  I missed an exit and ended up in a different state?  It was especially jarring because I didn't even *realize* South Carolina was THAT close.  Poor Becky was on the phone with me when this happened so she got to see how ragey I get when I get lost and have no idea where I am.

I used my iPhone to find an alternative route and still made it to my appointment on time, so it all worked out.  But that feeling of frustration/confusion?  It really sucks.  If it happened once in awhile, it would be a different thing.  But it happens almost every. single. week.

I miss knowing the lay of the land and understanding how long it will take to get to certain places.  I miss knowing the traffic patterns well enough to know how soon I should get over to the right-most lane to take an exit.  I miss knowing alternative routes to get places if traffic is bad.  I miss having most of what I needed a short walk or bike ride away. These days every place I need to be, besides work, is a drive away.

I know it takes time to develop knowledge of an area.  I just underestimated how much it would impact me to be lost SO often.  I will be the first to admit that I have a terrible sense of direction, so I know I am partly to blame for this, but it's still frustrating.  It's been nearly 4 months since my move, so I know I am still 'new' to the city but gosh I hope it starts getting easier really soon.

I know my post related to Charlotte lately have not been positive, but I am just trying to be real.  Living here is really hard and I keep waiting for it to get easier, and it's not.  Some days I trick myself into thinking it is, but then the next day I get lost or something happens back home that makes me want to be closer or I see a picture of Minneapolis on Facebook and I grieve about moving here all over again.  I know I need to be more patient with my transition, but dang - I wish it was a little bit less hard.

Have you ever moved to a new city and struggled with this?  Do you have a good sense of direction or are you directionally challenged like me?

Woot, Woot, I'm Done with the Boot

I waited a couple of days to post about my foot doctor appointment as I wanted to see how things went the first few days, but I am happy to say that my doctor said I could be done with the boot when I saw him on Friday!!  This isn't my first rodeo, though, so I know that a set back is still possible.  But I am trying to be optimistic.  Once again I will have to exclusively wear tennis shoes for the next 2 weeks.  I hate this aspect of the recovery, even though it is necessary. When you work in an industry where people dress pretty nicely, it's hard to not feel self conscious when you are rocking work clothes and running shoes.  I brought in the fun shoes I bought when I visited Becky to see if I could wear those and the doctor said not a chance as they don't have sufficient support. So for now I'm doing the whole self-deprecating "the 80s called and the want the shoes/work clothes look back" and trying to laugh it off. 

I have to spend the next week adjusting to being without the boot and I have some exercises to do so that I can strengthen the muscles around my ankle as they atrophied since I have been in the boot so long.  After a week of normal activity, I can start going for long walks, and after a couple of weeks of that, I can try other low impact forms of cardio, and then a couple weeks later, I can try to return to running.  My plan is to be really really careful about my return to running as I don't want to risk re-injuring my foot.

I am nervous that my time with the boot might not be behind me after what happened last time I tried to transition out of it, but I am hopeful right now.  The fact that I haven't felt any pain yet is a good sign, so maybe - just maybe - I am on the road to recovery.  I'm really hoping to launch my return to running in mid-August (and will be borrowing Redhead Running's plan) and hope to be back to running somewhat normal distances in late September/early October.  I'm hoping to be able to run the Charleston half marathon in January with some run club friends that are traveling down here from Minneapolis, and then in February I am hoping to run the Austin half marathon with my best friend Heidi.  We will see how things go this fall - I have yet to register for either race.

I haven't talked all that much about the injury because I know that others have it much worse.  Eventually I will heal and hopefully I will return to running at a mileage level that I am happy with.  But this whole experience has been really, really difficult for me.  It's one thing to not be able to run, it's a whole other thing to not be able to do normal things, like walk to work.  I really value a pedestrian lifestyle, so not being able to walk as far or as much as I want has been hard on me. Even now I have to be careful about how far I walk.  For instance, I will visit Asheville this weekend but I will not be able to visit the Biltmore because that will require far too much walking for where I am at in the healing process.  It's really hard to be prevented from doing things I love to do, but hopefully this injury will be behind me soon and all restrictions on activity will be released.

I guess if anything, this injury has taught me to not take things, like walking pain free, for granted!

Have you ever gone through an experience that has made you value something you had taken for granted in the past?

1st Quarter

Well, here I am, 1/4 of the way through my one year commitment to Charlotte.  To be clear, I don't know how long I will be in Charlotte, but I for sure have to be here for a year or there will be financial ramifications as I would have to pay back my relocation package (which was NOT cheap).  I don't know what the future will bring, so I may be here longer than a year, but right now I am counting down my year commitment as I am looking forward to having the freedom to pursue other opportunities in the Midwest should they arise.

I'm not going to sugar coat the last 3 months.  They have been tough.  And to be clear, this is not me being negative, this is me being real.  I strive to be an authentic communicator, so I refuse to make this experience out to be anything different than what it truly has been.  It has been hard.  The number of changes I've been through is staggering.  In the last 3 months, I've changed cities, bosses (actually I recently changed bosses again - that's 4 bosses in 12 months, by the way), positions (I focus on a different client group since moving to Charlotte), and my relationship status has changed.  There is really not much else that can change in my life, to be quite honest.  Add in the stress of the CFA and a never-ending stress fracture that is preventing me from exercising, and well, it's been a perfect storm.

Over the last 3 months, I've gone from counting down the weeks until my year commitment to counting down the months (which I consider progress).  I've made one really good friend who is almost like a guardian angel as she has really helped me feel more at home down here.  I've re-learned how much I hate driving and now know with absolute certainty that I need to live in a city with a pedestrian lifestyle, meaning I can mostly walk (or take an efficient form of public transportation) to anywhere I need/want to be (work, church, grocery stores, retail stores).  I've planned A LOT of trips and am trying to see as much of the area as I possibly can.  I've confirmed that I am not the kind of person who is built to live far from family and close friends.

I think the number one thing I have struggled with is the pressure from others to love Charlotte.  I respect their love of this city and I can understand why they want to call this place home.  But the fact that Charlotte is not a good fit for me should not take away from their love of the city.  We can all have our own favorite cities - they do not need to be the same.  To be clear, in these conversations, I am not proclaiming my dislike of Charlotte - instead I am expressing the fact that it's just not a great fit for me.  You can hate on Minneapolis all day long, but it honestly won't offend me or take away from my love of the city.  I do not expect everyone to love Minneapolis and if someone moved there, I would not expect them to love it - either immediately or with the passage of time. I can say this because I know people who have recently moved to Minneapolis.  I do not expect them to love it now - or ever really.  I will offer suggestions on things they can see/do to help them enjoy it while they are there, but I don't expect them to love it there, and the fact that they don't like it is not a personal affront to me.   There are things we all need from a city and while Charlotte does not have the things that I need from a city, that doesn't mean it doesn't meet the bill of needs of others.

But I am trying.  I have sought out things to do in the Charlotte area.  I've made new friends.  I've worked hard at work to try to build credibility with the new group of sales reps that I now work with.  I've joined a church.  I've put myself out there by sending emails to people asking them to dinners, coffee, etc.  I really am trying.  I know I will be here for at least a year and I am trying to make the most of that year.

I recognize the fact that things will get better as the year progresses.  Being able to return to running will really help, so I am hoping that can happen by September.  Even being out of the boot and being able to walk or hike or be active in general will help.  North Carolina is a beautiful state and I hope to be able to get out and enjoy it a bit more than I have when I recover from this pesky stress fracture.

Luckily, I have some really great things to look forward to, including one amazing thing.  But this post is getting too long to talk about what I am looking forward to, so I'll be sharing that later this week.  So stay tuned...

And - I'll be back tomorrow with a recap of my DC trip (spoiler alert:  I had the best time!)

On Walking a Tight Rope

It's no secret that I have felt overwhelmed lately.  In general, CFA season is always a really hard time for me as life begins to feel like a tight rope that I am precariously balanced one.  I've walked this tight rope the past 2 springs, balancing work, studying, and seeing family and friends, and have come out on the other side of it with a pass and a sense of relief of getting through that difficult phase.  Now this year, heaped on top of those commitments, I am trying to balance a crazy travel schedule and what feels like a never ending list of moving-related tasks.

Over the past couple of months, I've handled it ok.  Sure there have been cracks in my "I can do it all" facade.  Those cracks mostly manifest themselves in tears at inopportune moments and settings, from sitting at the gate at the airport with my mom on our way back from Charlotte to eating dinner at a crowded restaurant with Phil to sitting at my desk at work (which is the worst of all as I have zero privacy since my workspace is completely open).  But when the cracks showed, I gave myself a pep talk, and carried on.

Well this week I just sort of hit a breaking point. While attending the conference in Florida was a good career opportunity, the long days spent in a windowless conference room coupled with dinners out that lasted until 10:30-11 pm left me just plain exhausted.  And then I found out I have to go back to Charlotte once again next week and I thought - ENOUGH!

There's nothing I can really cut back on right now.  I can't say no to trips like the one to Charlotte next week.  I can't stop studying 18 hours a week for the CFA.  I can't abandon my moving to do list, nor can I ask for help as they are all things I need to do (luckily my company pays for a moving company to pack my goods which is a huge relief).  But what I can do is take a mental health day.  And that is what I am doing today.  Granted, it won't be this uber relaxing day of leisure and rest, but it will allow me to get a good night's sleep, get caught up on some moving to do's, and get a head start on my weekend study hours.

I have a full weekend ahead of me which includes meeting up with Amber today for coffee, attending my old boss's birthday happy hour tonight, helping to run a potluck breakfast for run club tomorrow morning (totally kicking myself for offering to help but I felt bad resigning from the board so felt I should take on something), and most importantly - attending my going away party on Saturday night.

That's a lot to pack into one weekend so my hope is that by taking today off, I can enter the weekend feeling a bit more relaxed.  I especially want to feel calm and rested tomorrow night so I can fully enjoy my going away party!

So here's hoping today's mental health day is a restorative one for me! 

Do you take mental health days?  This the first unplanned day off I've taken from work in a very very long time, but it feels very necessary.

The Road Not Taken

This is going to be a more pensive, sad kind of post because that is how I feel some days.  I certainly don't feel sad every day or even most of the day.  But I do feel sad some days, which is to be expected.  And I think writing about how I truly feel about things - instead of painting a picture of a life lived with ease - may be one of the best ways to deal with these feelings and attempt to put them behind me. 

When people ask me how I am doing, which, as you can imagine, is the most frequently asked question these days, the best way I can sum up the experience thus far is that it feels like I am having an out of body experience.  It doesn't really feel real.  Instead it feels like something that is happening to someone else.  It's like I am looking at listings online for apartments that someone else will live in, and I am researching areas around Charlotte that someone else will visit for a weekend getaway.  It doesn't really feel like it's my life.  It feels like a string of hypothetical decisions.  Decisions like, if I had to live in Charlotte, what area would I live in?  What run club would I join?  Where would I grocery shop?  I think through all of these decisions, but it doesn't seem possible that I will be living with these decision, because I never once pictured a scenario that involved moving to Charlotte.

But, it is slowly starting to feel more real.  Experiences like signing the relocation agreement (I have a year commitment), being assigned a relocation coordinator, and making the move "Facebook official" made it feel slightly more real last week, and I had a bit of a breakdown on Friday night when talking about it with Phil.  I imagine that it will feel even more real when I go to Charlotte at the end of the month and show my mom where I will be working and walk through apartments that I may potentially call home. And then it will REALLY feel real when I buy that one way ticket to Charlotte.

Right now, I see the fork in the road ahead of me, but it hasn't quite hit me that, as Robert Frost so eloquently describes in the poem "The Road Not Taken", I am taking the road less traveled.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that passing there

Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black.

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood and I --

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

~Robert Frost, 1920

I have all these thoughts about the upcoming move, and I read Robert Frost's poem, and I think to myself:  I hope someday I tell the story of this move with a (happy) sigh and say that taking this road has made all the difference - or at least that it is not a road I regret taking.