TL;DR I'm fine but my kids are both going through challenging changes.
I knew we had changes ahead of us in June as Paul started the public school summer kids program on Monday. But last Monday, Will moved from the toddler room to the young preschool room where they also started working on potty training. In isolation, either move would come with its challenges but I underestimated the double whammy of both of those changes.
Overall, Paul has done really well with this change - actually surprisingly well. He was nervous/anxious as he approached this transition and bedtimes certainly suffered as that is when his anxiety surfaces (as is the case for me). Drop offs have been a cinch - he doesn't even hug me good bye. He just waves and he's off! I think back to how hard drop offs were at various times of his toddler/early preschool stage (especially when he returned to daycare after we pulled him from daycare for 7 weeks at the start of the pandemic) so it's encouraging to see that things CAN get better/easier. We are so impressed by the program, too. Every week they study a different country (this week it's Madagascar), every Wednesday is "water Wednesday" and they go to a local splash pad or wading pool, and every Friday there is a field trip. We've seen some challenging behavior in the evening at times, but I know he's very tired as he's adjusting to no nap (one of the reasons we moved him from daycare to this program was because they still napped in his room at daycare which wreaked havoc on bedtime) and they keep them very busy at this program. Plus everything is new - new friends, new teachers, new locations, new schedule. My head would be spinning, too.
With Will, it's been a WHOLE LOT HARDER. He's a sensitive little guy to start and very much a mama's boy, and I am sure not having his brother with him at drop off is confusing. He transitioned to the new room with his best buddy which helped, but most days he tells us he wants to stay home or come to work with me. And the tantrums. Oh my gosh, the tantrums. Again, I know they are prompted by his little body being overwhelmed by the change but I'm being challenged in a way I never have before. It doesn't help that he hasn't been able to be outdoors the last 2 days because of poor air quality from the smoke of Canadian wildfires.
I'm usually good at bobbing and weaving and taking what comes at me. But this week has been so very hard that I broke down and cried at book club last night. And I am NOT a crier (thanks to my lexapro rx which helps me manage my anxiety and keeps me on a more even keel). Most of my book club ladies are moms, and they are further down the path of parenthood than I am so they can say - we understand/what you feel is normal. And whether or not you are a mom, we've all had bad days/weeks/months, and my book club gals are so kind and compassionate.
I don't wish struggles upon my friends, but it's comforting to hear that others have struggles, too. To be clear, I adore my children, but it can feel very isolating to feel like you are so very challenged while everyone else appears to be handling things well. That's one of the reasons I've developed an extra special bond with Elisabeth. I like how open she is about the challenges of parenting. I don't WANT her to struggle, but I feel so seen when she talks about how hard parenting is at times.
So that's where I'm at today... I'm sitting with these feelings and acknowledging them rather than shoving them under the rug as I am sometimes prone to do. And I'm sharing in the hopes that someone else will feel seen.
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| This has been good stuff - like this sweet chalk drawing by Paul. |
19 comments:
Sending so many hugs Lisa! Yes it does get easier but damn these stages are the worst. I'm so glad you were able to fully express your feelings and you felt seen by your book club. That is everything! And keep crying mama no shame! You got this! Can you schedule something to pamper yourself this weekend like a lunch/run with friend or a pedicure? You deserve a treat!
Well, I should have checked your blog before I sent you an email. LOL! Hopefully it still resonates.
Transitions are SO tough. I have gone through so many of these rough transitions with my kiddo, and I empathize so much. I think it's also pretty common for kids to be on their best behavior all day at school and then come home and just let out all the tension/worry/frustration they've been holding. Which is good, because it shows self control and it shows situational awareness and it shows that they feel safe and loved at home. But it SUCKS. It sucks to have your kid come home and lose their mind. Parenting can be so GRUELING sometimes.
Sending you ALL the hugs and hoping that these transitions ease sooner rather than later. (Along with the smoke. YUCK.)
Oh sending you so much love! Thank goodness this change didn't happen during the worst/busiest of your work, but the double change is definitely frustrating. Thankfully you are compassionate to what the boys are going through, and you have the previous experience to know they will grow past these changes. One of my friends moved her son from a center to an in-home (not her home) care provider as there was a little more grace for toddler emotions vs the center needing everyone to act on a schedule.
@ Kat - thank you so much for the empathetic comment! I really should schedule some pampering for the near feature. I think we'll be in the trenches of this transition for awhile... :/ We go to my parents' lake home this weekend so the change of scenery will hopefully be helpful! Fingers crossed!
@Katie - yes I told a couple of book club ladies that I was so glad these changes were coinciding with my crazier period of work in Mar/Apr AND that I'm not traveling until the 3rd week in July. This would be a very very very hard time to solo parent!!! Hopefully things are going better by then.
parenting is not easy, probably the hardest thing in life. it comes with so many ups and downs, and it's a learning journey. challenges with young kids are different than with older kids, but challenges will continue and it's great that you share it with your friends and blog friends. Saying it out loud really helps, and makes us feel not alone.
changes are hard for everybody, for aduults and kids. for us, we can identify that whatever we are feeling/struggling are from the changes, for kids, they may not even know. I guess being compassionate with them helps us to digest and support them through changes easier.
hang in there, it will get easier with time. remember, this is just one of the downs, soon you'll be in the ups.
Well...you know I feel this post HARD, Lisa.
I always assumed I would be a mother - to four kids to be specific. And I thought I would be energetic and happy all the time and end up barefoot in the kitchen and make cakes all day with a smile on my face...?! I don't know what I thought but motherhood is *not* what I expected. And yes I know the cliche followup is - IT'S SO MUCH BETTER. But my answer, honestly, would be that is SO MUCH HARDER than I ever, ever imagined it would be.
Do I love my kids? Absolutely?
Do I struggle immensely with my role as a mother? Absolutely.
Do I sometimes wish I could just walk out the door for 6 months at a spa? Absolutely.
There are so many factors at play and I think one of the reasons we connect so well is the fact we're introverted planners. We like order and structure and quiet and routine and kids tend to throw that out the window. God has a crazy sense of humour because I got one extremely feisty child who...exhausts me. She wants high pace activity and stimulation at all times and I want to curl up and read a book or organize a closet. Her personality is often SO opposite to mine I can't believe she's mine. (She's wonderful! Amazing! But so, so intense.)
I also know that having to solo parent regularly impacts my view of motherhood because, often, I'm also being the "father" and the "chef" and the "nurse" and the "chauffeur" and the "fun one" and the "disciplinarian".
There is no off switch for mothering and the emotional burden can feel very heavy. Also, at this stage in toddlerhood, I felt constantly "touched" out. Like literally I would sometimes feel like my skin was crawling from someone constantly being on or near my body. This gets sooo much better (I promise!), but it can take months/years which is such a long time to wait.
Sending so many virtual hugs. And I'll say it again: this feels hard because it IS HARD. You're not doing anything wrong, your kids are perfectly normal and lovely - this is just a hard phase of parenting.
Oh, Lisa, thanks so much for sharing this. Parenting is such an immense challenge and having kids go through simultaneous transitions just makes everything so much more fraught. I know it's not a lot, but I admire what you do and how you keep it together. You're absolutely allowed to have hard moments, though, and I'm glad you feel comfortable sharing those hard moments with us in this space. Hugs to you and the boys.
Oh that sounds so hard!! It’s so hard to sit with the feeling and to recognize WHY kids are acting how they’re acting instead of just being mad that they ARE. You’re such a good mom. Transitions are tough, but I am sure you will all weather this one beautifully.
OH HOW I FEEL YOUR PAIN lol
Rough patch with the kids and you are right- talking about it openly makes me feel seen. I am a bit nervous about us: we have two transitions coming up: L= kinder, R=pre-school. I also take Lexapro and it helps with anxiety. Take good care of yourself, I am sure you are doing all you can.
That's a lot of change, all at once Lisa - and coming off of such a crazy time in your work life.
I think sitting with your feelings is hard but necessary, and I really understand. Transitions are hard for any age, but those ages are especially tricky. Sending lots of love and hugs to you.
This post is SO RELATABLE. I'm not quite into the toddler phase with Hanna yet (she will be 2 in September but is significantly delayed, so more like a 15 month old) and out of the toddler phase with the boys but MAN OH MAN is 6 proving to be a very challenging age for us. So much defiance, boundary testing, talking back...it tests my patience every single day. We are dealing with the transition from school to summer with both parents WFH. The boys do camp in the mornings but the afternoons are ROUGH with both of us working and both of them entertaining themselves. We actually just got a pack of emotion cards on Amazon to help Noah with naming his emotions and dealing with them productively rather than just tantrums and hitting Owen. I love my kids so much but I do not like this phase of parenting at all. Thank you for normalizing this icky feeling!
I'm so glad you have the support of your book club. I find that more experienced parents are invaluable to share that the struggles DO end. Parenting feels like a constant wave of new challenges, but thank goodness some challenges are easier to weather than others.
Yes! We need to be open about the struggle. While I feel bad you're going through this, it's good for me to read. Lately I'm been feeling melancholy, missing those days when my kids were little. I think it's because my son is home, which I'm LOVING, but I'm aware that he'll be going back to college soon and who knows when- or if- he'll be back for such an extended period. And my daughter is starting high school, so I'm dealing with that. I've been missing the toddler days- but then I have to remember, those days were HARD. Even with my son, who was such an easy kid, they were hard. And my daughter... well. Let's just say i'm in a much better place now, mentally, then I was back then. It's so hard when you're going through it, but someday you'll look back and think "I miss the days when we used to go to the goose house and play with those toys!" Anyway... hang in there. It will get better!
I don't have to be a mom to understand that changes are rough - especially when you're going through them with someone else (your kids). You know, I feel like sometimes it's easier to handle your own feelings than trying to handle someone else's (which parents have to do all the time). I am glad you were able to share and get some support from friends who have been through this.
Transitions are so hard! I have my own internal tantrums about them, haha, so it makes sense that Will is going through them, too. But I know that doesn't make things easier on you. I think the more we can open up with the people around us about our struggles, the better we are. I've been trying to do that with friends when I'm going through an anxiety spiral - it just helps to give me perspective and also to get advice! Sometimes we don't even realize we need that advice.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world, and you are doing great, mama.
Oh, I'm so so sorry you're having a rough time. I'm a bit behind and catching up on posts, so....*maybe* by now it's a teeny bit better?? I'll join your book club ladies in saying, as a mom to older kids, it honestly does get better (though I realize that is not particularly helpful to hear, in the moment, when you're struggling!!). But I do look back on things and think MAN I thought that stage would never end, but magically it did- and sometimes I don't even know WHEN it changed! I just look back now and we are clearly no longer struggling with x y or z (for example, E came into our room at night for YEARs!! YEARS!!! I remember thinking, omg he will still be doing this on his college graduation night!!). But guess what- he doesn't do that anymore. ;) I guess my only advice is just "the only way out is through"... keep on keeping on, you're doing great! And for you, with your kids' ages, I feel like the end is in sight in terms of the "really" hard parenting stages... you're so close to the golden years!! Just keep swimming.... :)
Woof. I know that I cannot relate as far as the kids thing goes, but I know the feeling of feeling inadequate or helpless in a situation, so I can feel your pain there. I know this is no consolation maybe, but I just listened to an interesting podcast about how we perceive a situation or our role or our success in that situation versus how others do, and I am guessing that you are probably doing a much better job than you give yourself credit for. I know that when I look at you, I see a strong, capable person that is doing a good job with what is being handed to her. Keep your head up and hopefully (!!) he will soon realize that he likes this new change, even if it threw him for a loop at first.
I can't even imagine how hard this makes your day to day life. I hope that things have improved a bit by now. Your boys are so lucky to have such a caring, empathetic mom. And, I'm so glad you found an outlet for your stress and sharing the challenges you're having right now.
Oh friend!!! BIG HUGS!!!!
Lori
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