The State of My Single Union

As I mentioned in my recap post earlier this week, I read the book “Single State of the Union” last month.  It’s a collection of essays written by single women - they focus on various aspects of their life:  careers, child rearing, living alone, traveling, etc.  It was nice to read the thoughts/reflections of women whose lives more closely mirror mine.  Living in the Midwest where people tend to marry in their 20s (like my siblings and all of my college friends have) I don't have a lot of people in my life who have similar lifestyles or have been in my shoes.  I am not complaining, it is just a fact of life that most of the people that surround me have found their life partners - and I am so happy that they have!

When reading that book, I couldn’t help but think what I would say in an essay about my single life.  Right now, I can honestly say I am really happy with my life as it is.  I have a wonderful family, a great group of friends, a rewarding career, and a home that I adore.  I’ve pursued/am pursuing difficult endeavors, such as getting my MBA and working towards obtaining the CFA designation.  I’ve discovered the hobby of running, ran marathons and half marathons, and have met wonderful friends as a result.  I’ve had great adventures – trips to Paris, trips to British Columbia to meet up with other runners, trips to other cities to visit friends.

My goal in my late 20s was to get to a point where I was happy with the state of my life and didn’t feel like it was missing anything – I spent so much of my 20s waiting to meet someone so I could feel that sense of ‘completeness’.   Well, I’ve left that mindset behind, and I no longer yearn for someone to complete me – instead I hope to meet someone who will compliment my personality.  But that’s a topic for a whole other post.

So bottom line – yes I am happy on my own, and I could continue to live this life I am living and be happy.  But I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be disappointed if I never get married – because I would.  I’d like to share my life with someone and have the opportunity to have children, but if it doesn’t happen for me, I know I'll be ok.  Actually, I'll be more than ok - I'll still be happy.

Sometimes, though, I wonder if I was built for solitude.  Most of my interests are solitary pursuits (running, reading, knitting).  I feel comfortable living alone, traveling alone, eating alone, running alone. But there are still moments when I yearn for companionship - someone who will seek out great adventures and share in the inevitable burdens of life.  But at the same time, the thought of meeting someone almost exhausts me – and scares me.  I feel like I keep dating the same person, over and over again.  He has a different name and a different story, but the ending seems to be on repeat.  And while I try to hold onto hope that I might experience a different ending some day, after 16+ years of dating, it gets increasingly harder to believe that. And I begin to wonder if maybe I'm meant to be alone.

Of course, all of this pondering feels like a rhetorical question right now as my life is so not conducive to dating right now...  But it will be soon and I wonder if my attitude towards dating will shift or if this ambivalence towards dating will stick around.

So this is the state of my single union.  Happy. And trying really hard to remain hopeful.  I know that regardless of whether I ever meet someone, my life will be full of great adventures – and it will be full of love.

I'll close with the chorus of John Mayer's song, "Heart of Life", which perfectly sums up how I feel.

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Living Alone

Last week, the New York Times published an article entitled, "One is the Quirkiest Number:  The Freedoms, and Perils, of Living Alone."  I first saw it when Amy posted the article on facebook.  Her comment about the article intrigued me, so I decided to read it.

It's a fairly quick read so I recommend clicking over if you have 3-5 minutes.  My synopsis of the article is that people who live alone are basically social pariahs.  We talk to our pets, eat weird meals, forget to close the bathroom door, and might forget to put on a skirt when leaving the house. 

I'm disappointed that the NYT chose just a poor representation of those who live alone.  Do I have my quirks?  You bet.  But does that have anything to do with the fact that I live alone?  Not one bit.  

My point is - we are who we are.  And if you aren't yourself around your spouse, that is not a sustainable relationship, in my opinion.  Granted, I know I will have to make concessions/compromises when/if i get married.  But for the most, what you see is what you get.  

I will always value these years that I have spent living alone.  It's made me more independent, more self-sufficient, and more aware of who I am - quirks and all.  Most importantly, it's made me a pickier dater - in a good way.  I know I can do it all on my own - and be very happy.  Before I lived alone, I think I felt more of a sense of desperation about finding a husband, because living alone kind of scared me.  Living alone no longer scares me and I know that whether or not my life includes a husband and marriage, I can and will be happy.

Have you read this article?  What was your reaction?  Do you think living alone breeds quirky behavior?