Thursday, November 14, 2013

Still a Struggle

Last month as we neared the end of our Myrtle Beach girls trip and approached Charlotte,  my sister said she had had a great time, but said 'I am ready to go home now.'

I thought to myself: 'Me too, sister, me too.'

But I am not home yet - I visit home for brief fragments of times, but it's always tinged with the emotions of impermanence. At the end of every trip home, I have to deal with the sad and difficult emotions of getting back on a plane to Charlotte.  7 months later, it's still hard. I still cry. I still grieve the fact that while it is not and will never be 'home', it is where I currently have to live.

I know I am past the half way point of my year commitment but the time just can't go fast enough. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as I am over half way through my one year relocation contract, but I still have 5 months left (plus however long it takes me to find a new job).  I'm just so over the "I hear Charlotte is a nice place to live" and the "this is a growth opportunity for you" comments.  I'm over justifying and explaining why I don't like Charlotte.

Don't get me wrong - I am thankful for the great career I have, but I want more.  I want a relationship and ample friends and family close by.  And more than anything, I just want to be home - or in a city, such as Chicago - that I would be happy and proud to call home.

This last trip home was so wonderful but it was also a little bit harder than the other trips because I have no return trips scheduled; this was the first time I have left Minneapolis unsure about when I would return. (I will be at the lake for Christmas but I won't spend anytime in Minneapolis on that trip.)

There is no clear cut or guaranteed path back to Minneapolis. I have this one year commitment related to my relocation contract, but after that, it's up to me to figure out how to get out of Charlotte.  I know that like many other things in life, I have to trust that things will fall into place and everything will work out, but sometimes it feels like it's going to take a miracle for everything to fall into place. 

So that is where I am at right now. I am sad and tired and just so very over this unwanted cross country move. I have many trips to distract me in the coming months, such as trips as Paris, NYC and Austin.  And I am so very thankful for all of these trips, but no matter how many trips I plan or how busy I try to stay, it does not offset the fact that all I really want is a one way ticket to Minneapolis.

I know this post is heavy and sad, but it's where I am at right now.  It's my reality and I am trying to believe it is temporary.  But gosh, it is still just so so hard.

But tomorrow, I kick off my 10 days of Thanksgiving post series.  It's going to be really good for me to focus on the many blessings in my life right now.  


Jeanie said...

Lisa, sometimes you have to be sad. You have given it such patience. Every feeling we have is genuine and our own. What counts is that you have a plan -- kicking in the applications, looking for new things where you think you might want to be. Between the travel and having a plan, it will help. It really will. Hang in there, my friend. It will happen for you.

missris said...

I heard you, friend. I know how you feel. I'm sending you virtual hugs today!

Marlys said...

When we were first married and your Dad was sent to Vietnam 5 days after our wedding day, I came across a poem that I memorized and it came to mind when I read your blog today.
"Your turn may be next, always keep that in mind.
Be happy and one of these days you will find,
Your ship in the harbor there waiting for you,
And suddenly all of your dreams will come true.
So never by others good fortunes be vexed,
Be happy they're happy, your turn may be next!"
Of course, he may have never returned from that war, but I did keep my hopes up by recalling this poem. If it helps you get by until "your ship comes in" I will be pleased. I just know you will soon see the bow of that ship peaking over the horizon of the sea of life! I was sad at that time, too, and that was okay! I wish I could take your sadness away!

Nora said...

Loved reading the poem you mom posted; goosebumps!

Totally ok to feel how you feel; they are your feelings and it's necessary to just FEEL them sometimes. (If I'm making sense.)

I want nothing more for you than a one way ticket to MPLS, too. Will keep that in my thoughts and prayers for you, friend.

Big hugs.

Linda said...

Here's to waiting for our ship in the harbor.

Leigh said...

I wish I could do something! I can offer hugs though :)

Anonymous said...

Argh I hate this so much for you! Sending love, but wishing there was more I could do!

Anonymous said...

I know how tough all this must be for you. It sounds overly trite to say that "It will get better" but IT WILL. Keep your head up :)

Kelly (She Wears a Red Sox Cap) said...

Beautiful poem your mom posted and a good reminder for all of us.

Still though, this a very frustrating time because it feels like you can't really be happy (fully) until you are back living where you want to live. I think you just have to really make it a priority starting in January to find a way back and find it as soon as possible. I know it may not be in the form of the best possible job ever at first, but I think you are going to need to put your happiness first for a little while to get back in a good place (mentally and physically). I don't think you should ever feel guilty for wanting something else besides just a career... personally I would sort of judge someone who only wants a career! but that's just me.

Most of all, you should just know it's okay that it's still a struggle. It's okay that it's going to be a struggle every day until you return to your real home. You are doing the best you can to make the best of it and live for those good moments, but it's okay if it's still a struggle.

Abby said...

You will get back to Minneapolis or Chicago - but I can understand how big of a mountain that appears to be for you at this point in your life. It is so hard to be stuck in a place that just isn't home. It's okay to have heavy posts - and you don't have to lie and pretend your happy.

Know that I love and support you - and I'm here for you to talk to and vent! You're a strong person, and I cannot wait for the day we can look back and talk about this time in your life where you were stuck in the south.

Becky said...

Love you friend. xoxox

Jolene - EverydayFoodie said...

I am sad to hear that you are sad :-( I just wish you could be home too, and I feel for ya. Sending hugs your way.

Amanda said...

Wow, that poem. Such good perspective that I've struggled with myself this year. Oh friend. This kills me for you. And I will never, ever jump to the "just think how much you're growing!" speech. I think of we're at all aware, we know that there is purpose behind things, that in that mythical "someday" we'll be glad for the struggles. But in the present? Things can just plain suck. I'm glad you are being honest about how you feel. Faking that things are totally fine is so much worse than admitting they're hard. Keeping that return back to the Midwest in my prayers!

Unknown said...

This makes me sad to read this, Lisa. Take care. Know you are loved. Remember, our house is your house.

J and A said...

I'm sorry to hear you are sad. But you are allowed to be sad. Sending you big hugs.

Amber said...

Sending so many hugs. Love the poem your mom posted -- so so relevant to your situation. And I echo Kelly that come the New Year getting home can become a priority for you and even if you have to take a job that is less than ideal at first I hope you can find your way back to somewhere you are happy to live!

Kyria @ Travel Spot said...

Aarrgh! I feel for you! I know you have tried hard to like your new home so don't worry; if you don't, you don't! Don't feel guilty about it! I really love your Mom's poem. I think it is so true. Suddenly all of your dreams will come true!

Plus you will always have Paris...(hehe) As crappy as it is, this has been a great excuse for you to travel a lot (not that you really need one)!

Lisa-Marie said...

You are allowed to be sad. We are your friends and we care and sometimes you need to get stuff out. You work really hard at being positive, but to do that you have to vent the negative.

It is HARD being away from your home. Living somewhere that does not feel like home is horrible. When we were in Dundee I was literally counting days till we moved back home again.

Hang in there - hopefully it'll pass quickly and your be somewhere more homelike. xxx

Stephany said...

Gosh, I just love that poem your mom posted! I want to type it up and frame it. It's such a good reminder.

All I can say is that I'm sorry this has been such a horrible year for you and I just hope 2014 is amazing with a new job in Minneapolis/Chicago and feeling like you're living in a place where you belong again. xo

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

I don't think you have to justify to any of us that this year has been hard on you and that Charlotte doesn't feel like home. We know and I think many of us grieve with you (though, by no means in the same way you grieve for yourself). You do have five months left, but I think the next 6 weeks will FLY BY, which means you'll be down to 3 1/2 months. And, as you suggested, it might take you that long to network, interview and land a job in a location that will make you happy ... so, I look at your time as broken into the following chapters: PARIS (!!), HOLIDAYS (!!), PAID JOB SEARCH (!!) and GET THE HELL OUT OF CHARLOTTE AND BACK TO WHERE YOUR HEART BELONGS!!!!!

San said...

It's hard if you 'have to' live somewhere where you don't really want to be. Sure, you're trying to make the best of it, but if we're honest, you're just trying to make it through the year and that's totally ok. It's an experience that you will - hopefully - look back on with no regrets, but I understand that you feel like your life is "on hold" in some ways.

Unknown said...

Lisa, I can't imagine being that far away from friends and family. I can imagine the 'waiting' game though of not knowing when or if your desire will come to fruition. I'm praying for you friend!