You see, I am incredibly unathletic, at least in terms of how "athletic" was defined when I was a child. I run and strength train, but I am terrible at sports. I didn't find the sport of running until after I graduated from college. Because I grew up in a very rural area (population of 500, graduating class of 28), my sport options were softball in the summer, basketball in the fall, volleyball in the winter, and track and field in the spring. I was required to try all of these sports when I was young so I did t-ball/softball when I was in early elementary, basketball in 5th and 6th grade, volleyball in 7th and 8th grade, and track and field from grades 7-9. I also took swimming lessons and loved them but those lessons were about acquiring a life skill.
I know my parents wanted me to be healthy and active and to try new things. But to be honest, my involvement in sports was actually worse for my self esteem. I was terrible at all sports involving balls, and was just not great at the distances available to me in track and field (I think I would have loved cross country but that wasn't an option at my small school). And it is so very, very apparent when you are worse than your peers at sports. The only basket I made in basketball was FOR THE OTHER TEAM when I was in 5th grade. It was a completely different story for my husband who is very naturally athletic. He excelled at baseball and was a pitcher, is an excellent golfer, and I think he was probably always kind of "front of the pack" in terms of other sports he tried. I was so glad when I was able to put sports involvement behind me and could focus on things I had an affinity for, like speech, drama, band, choir, piano, math competitions, etc. I was a very busy, involved kid - but not on the sports front. Although I was the student manager for the girls basketball team and was a statistician for boys basketball and football. So I was "involved" but in a way that suited my talents. I don't fault my parents for encouraging me to participate in sports. It's good to try new things and they definitely were supportive of me focusing on activities that were a better fit.
As my kids start to try activities, I am watching closely to make sure they are having a positive experience in the activity. Paul tried soccer this summer and I kept asking - "are you having fun?" I don't know that he touched the ball in any of the 3-on-3 games they played but he was engaged and seemed to be having fun, so we'll do this soccer program again next year. But I'm going to keep asking if he is having fun. Of course there is a fine line to walk between making sure your kid perseveres/not letting them quit too soon and accepting that the activity is not the right one for them... I just don't want them to experience the hit to self esteem that I did when participating in sports.
What I've thought about when reflecting on my childhood is - what if being talented in math was held to the same standard as talent in sports/athletics ? Imagine a kid who struggles with math but keeps having to do things like public math problems and fails over and over and over? And yet, doing this public math was really important and valued so even though you are terrible at it and you kept publicly failing, the idea is that you keep doing it. I was good at math so having math held to the same standard/level of importance as sports would have been amazing for me. And yes, I recognize that math is a major area of focus in schools but it seems like we kind of accept that some kids struggle with math whereas everyone is supposed to like participating in sports. Bottom line, I don't want my kids' self-esteem to take a regular and consistent hit just for the sake of having them in activities that many kids enjoy. Luckily my boys will have access to WAY more options since we live in a major metropolitan area. And Phil and I are both active people (I run and strength train, Phil swims, runs, golfs and strength trains) so we'll always model having an active lifestyle.
As we figure out the right mix of activities, I'm aiming to expose my boys to lots of different things to make sure they find something they love like I love running. Paul is going to check out Karate this fall as we feel like it will help with building confidence and discipline and - most importantly - he's interested in giving it a try. I'm also hoping to get him in swimming lessons... in the summer of 2021 he refused to get in the pool (it was the first time he was old enough for classes without a parent and we'd had a long gap from mom/baby classes during the pandemic) so we've been hesitant to re-enroll him but we are doing a trial lesson tomorrow. He'll continue to go to gymnastics on Saturdays and he is enrolled in a Spanish language program 2 days a week that is part of his after school program. So it should shake out to Karate on Mondays (we're starting him later this fall after he's adjusted to school starting), Spanish on Tues/Thur (at his school so this doesn't add any drop-offs/parent involvement - he would be there anyways so I don't know that this really counts as an activity from a bandwidth/scheduling perspective), gymnastics on Saturday morning and then maybe swimming lessons on Sunday.
Maybe one of my boys will get more of Phil's genetics and be the sportiest person ever - there's probably a 50/50 chance! I'm just keeping an open mind about what their activity participation will look like as they get older.
Were you an athletic kid? Does any one else have complicated feelings about the emphasis that is put on sports?
23 comments:
The emphasis on sports is definitely different than when we were kids, and I bet lots of commenters will say their kids have not done sports and are fine, etc. We have one exceptional athlete, one kid who doesn't really like sports, and one good athlete whose career was derailed by the panny. We had them all try lots of different activities and just went with what they ended up loving, and all were fine. I will say from experience that 4th-8th grade are the most intense sportsball times. Everything before 4th grade is no big deal, but then the club sports era hits and parents lose their sense of reality imagining all the cash their NCAA D-1 athletes will rake in. It's bananas. I HATED sports and only played a couple years of softball before committing to speech and theater )and speech paid for college LOL).
I was SO unathletic as a kid. Uncoordinated and I hated - HATED - any team sports. I was just so bad at all of it. My high school (also very small) was big into athletics and if you were "anybody" you played on a team. Volleyball, basketball, badminton. Most of the cool girls played all of the sports. I did none. It was definitely a major issue for me socially and a big reason I never really "fit" in.
It's so interesting as a parent on the other side. My husband was very athletic and played hockey, tennis, soccer, and badminton growing up. Then we had kids!
Our daughter is very much like me - scared of the ball, uncoordinated, no aptitude for any sports (though she has tremendous stamina and could probably out-hike any student in her school! But those sorts of athletic abilities don't really count when you're a kid?). Our son is naturally very gifted. Fast, coordinated, and simply loves sports. He picks new skills up quickly and it is pure joy to watch him on a field/court. Same parents, two VERY different outcomes.
We're fostering the love of athletics in our son and I do think is a huge advantage in life. It allows you to be a social chameleon and really helps you ease into social networks more easily than excelling at academics. Teams give you built-in camaraderie and a sense of belonging. Our daughter is very talented with acting, so we're putting our resources into supporting those initiatives for her but I will say there are a lot fewer options for the arts than via a sports route...Our son will be in three different sports this fall, and our daughter has access to one drama class.
Oh, I was so anti-athletic as a kid! (Still am, really.) I did play soccer for a year, then asked not to do it again. In high school, gym class was called "female team sports" and we played field hockey, volleyball, and basketball. I was so terrible at all of them, I spent the next 3.5 years taking dance! Which also fulfilled the requirement, and I was just as bad at it, but much less likely to hurt myself or make my team lose. The memories...
I don't have kids, but I can totally see how it's a fine line between exposing kids to things, having them try, and not pushing if it doesn't suit them. So complicated!
I was not an athletic kid (bookworm, theater kid) who was forced to play softball for 10 years and it was devastating. I have an almost-10-year-old daughter now who very much trends towards dance and art and theater, but who we tried in softball when she was 8 because we at least wanted her to experience a team sport and thought an activity that she wasn't automatically good at might teach her to work at things in a different way. It kind of worked the first couple of seasons but blew up spectacularly this summer when she ended up on a competitive team with coaches yelling at kids and fighting with umpires. I could see her spirit being worn down, so I asked her in the middle of one of the games if she was having fun and her eyes just filled with tears - so, we left, right then and there. There's so much weird energy around sports as they get older and I'd rather bring her to the Y for strength workouts, try karate, and/or start running vs. have her be worn down or humiliated for a team sport that isn't even fun....
I would say I was an average athlete as a kid. I wasn’t terrible and I very much enjoyed team sports but I also wasn’t as good as the best players. I agree that when and where I grew up your ability at sports seemed to also determine your overall popularity and I did often have confidence issues and wish I was better. I like your approach of encouraging trying lots of different activities and then sticking with the one they like the best. I think I will always want my kids in at least one active/sport activity because I believe consistent activity is important and then other than that they can choose what they want or don’t want to do from there.
-Amber
Sports? What sports? I was homeschooled and shuffled from country to country lol
My kids. We just enrolled both in gymnastics, at the same time, on the same day, but in different age groups. The selfish part of us (T and I) thinks: it's an hour to... Write, read, plan, etc LOL Terrible, I know.
I see very often at the high school level that sports become more important than academics. I had a parent say "They can't do well in your class because [insert sport] so they are really tired." Huh?
IMO school first, sports second. But then again what do I know?
I was always fairly athletic but not in a standout way, if that makes sense. I still feel like I'm decently athletic, but maybe it's really more that I consider myself very active. I did t-ball and softball when I was young, track in middle school, and then I got really into volleyball from 6th-12th grade. I was actually a pretty good volleyball player- got pulled up to Varsity as a sophomore and was an honorable mention all-conference- but it's all relative. I was not THAT good, lol. I guess for my particular school and division, I was pretty good. But I was not collegiate level or anything, though maybe if I had played year round club I could have developed into that? I only did club one year, in 11th grade. But it was a different time then and the whole "year round sports" thing was not as prevalent. I certainly worked very hard and was highly motivated.
My boys have always done sports since they were little, and we never really considered NOT having them try sports, I guess! They both started swimming lessons at 6 months old and were doing toddler soccer classes by 2 1/2. They dabbled in baseball (neither seemed great at it), and have now tried various school sports like XC and volleyball. They both stuck with soccer and Asher has done year round swim team since age 6, almost 7. I'd say they are mostly in that average to maybe slightly above average athlete range- not "unathletic" at all, but not huge standouts or future D1 prospects either (so far)! Asher has had some decent swimming successes over the years but currently is kind of waiting on puberty I think to hopefully catch up with some of the huge guys that are now towering over him. Ethan is I think naturally quite athletic but lacks some of the intensity/ competitiveness that you see in some of the other boys. He's good, but without that burning drive, you can only go so far. Ethan has done tennis lessons which I think is a nice option for people that aren't as into the whole contact sports type scene. He loves tennis and plans to do it in high school. But we don't have year round tennis facilities super close to us (on far side of town only), and most places are country clubs that require $$ memberships. So eventually we dropped the year round lessons, but he is a solid player at least and will likely improve in HS. It's a nice life sport too. Both boys are getting pretty into golf right now, though neither Ivan nor I golf. They did some lessons this summer and go out with my dad whenever they can.
I have not seen either of my boys express big interest in many non-sport things like debate or math teams or things like that at all, and though they both do some music, neither one is "that" into music as a passion, either. So sports it is for now, since they need to be involved with something! I love youth sports from the standpoint of developing that lifelong base for being active, learning to exercise and weight train correctly, and just incorporating it as part of everyday life.
*sigh* I'm like you, Lisa, I'm an active adult, but honestly it's no thanks to gym and health classes. I hate ball sports (this is so nerdy, but my hand-eye coordination is non-existent and I was always worried about breaking my glasses), I'm very clumsy, and there was always this expectation that you KNEW things about sports, but since I never did organized sports and I didn't watch television, I didn't know, like RULES. (I still don't know what off-sides is and every time I watch hocky, football, soccer, or basketball, I'm confused). Also, the time expectations for organized sports were something my parents could never have worked out in terms of getting me to and from practice and games. There wasn't a SAH parent! I was always picked last for teams, hated PE class, and field day on the last day of school was like a nightmare.
So I left for college thinking I was just a complete dolt at physical activity and it wasn't until a very patient person took me to the gym and showed me things I could do (like lifting, yoga, and some cardio classes) that I realized that "athletic" did not have to mean "sporty."
There are really valuable lessons that kids learn in sports. But you can learn those same things in other avenues, as well. I'm glad you're making sure your kids are having fun! The idea is for them to learn to move their bodies regularly for their entire lives, not just while they're really good at a particular sport.
Kids playing sports has a few things that really translate into skills as adults, that + fun are the important parts. They need to learn that it's ok to suck at something until you're able to measure progress, seeing improvement does as much to build confidence as it does for geting them to accept that they have to learn something before getting good at it. Accepting failure also has a mental benefit. Being able to recognise that a job or company isn't the right fit for them and accepting that it's not their fault just like accepting that basketball isn't their sport isn't a bad thing. The important thing is to get them to try, not to succeed. Finally, learning how to work well with others and accept direction and criticism from a coach to see how the team will benefit is a huge trait to develop. I love hiring people that did group activities as a kid - sports, chorus, band, mathletes, anything - because they will be more likely to follow my direction and see the benefit to the team/division/company. Kids learn to see the bigger piccture here, including how to lose gracefully and how to win gracefully. It makes them better adults in the long run.
I was a very middle of the pack athlete. I hated basketball and I remember the elementary basketball camp that my mom made me do (just a week for a couple hours each day in the summer). After how much I hated it she gave it up, and I was on the dance team instead. I think sports are good for learning how to work with peers, listen to a coach (or "boss"), but I also think with where your kids are geographically based they can get those skills with so many other activities. My husband's sisters were in gymnastics, and I've warned him that even if we have little boys they will go to gymnastics as it's one of the better active classes for little kids. But flat out forcing sports on a kid probably doesn't get the results the parents are hoping for.
Lisa, we have a similar situation! I am awful at sports, although I am fit and active. I played slo-pitch in grad school because there was a rule each team had to have three girls on the field at all times, if you can believe it, and so I got talked into it. I caught the ball ONCE but it happened to be in our championship game (we had a lot of great athletes on the team, which was surprising because it was the economics department), and it was the last out, and we WON. No one could believe it because I hadn't caught a ball for the two years I played, and in fact ended up in the emergency room once because I took a line drive to the larynx. Anyway, that was my one glory moment. I swam as a kid and am a decent swimmer, I also figure skated, but you'll notice neither of those things involve balls! I am very fit now, but it's all because of more solo things. My husband is a very good athlete and played all sorts of sports.
My kids are fit and strong, but mostly they do weight lifting, although my younger son wrestled in high school and my older son likes mountain biking. They did karate from...I think they were 7 and 8? Until junior high. They liked it well enough. Oh, and they played soccer but the community soccer, not the super competitive one. Sports are different now from when we were kids, mostly because it seems MORE competitive/ expensive. Like I remember kids playing hockey all the time on the outdoor rink, but very few were IN hockey, if that makes sense.
I think your approach to sports with your boys is the right answer. “Are your having fun?” To me, the whole point of a sport is a physical outlet to stay healthy, the social aspect, and to get out their energy.
I share your athletic ability in being horrible at any sport involving balls. It helps we have girls - because there is less pressure on athletics it seems. It makes me sad that it seems sports have gotten so crazy in schools. It overshadows academics and if you want your child to get a place on the team, they need private coaches or insane ability.
Very interesting topic. I was always athletic in school but we had PE and no sport. I knew I would love to do more but i didn't have the opportunities. I still don't play sports now because when playing with others, the scheduling is more difficult, so I mostly do solo activities, running, stregnth training and golf soon again. My two girls are very different, Sofia loves all sports and would do them all if she has time. She loves swimming the most so she'll focus that now and do golfing so we can play together as family. Lizzy is not good in any sport yet but she doesn't hate swimming either, and would want to play tennis if she has time although she's terrible at it. My stance on sport is that they should find at least one that they enjoy or not hate for physical and mental benefits of it, and if they love something, then she should work hard to do their best in their sport.
I hope your boys find something they like, exposure might be the first step toward finding it.
I am with John on this; I think that regardless of skill, being on a sports team teaches you life skills. My friend K's daughter A was not a fan of soccer at first (she probably started at around 7 or 8?). She was a lazy player and would wait for the ball to come to her. Also at the beginning their team (as they do) did not pass to each other, would clump up and all wanted to be the one to score the goal. She started liking it more when her teammates became her friends, as she saw it as more of a social thing. Now, at 13, they work together, they pass the ball, they see the big picture more. I think that this is how any job is as well; you have to learn to work together and to read the field! So even if it is just for a few years and they are not that good at the sport, I think it has it's merits.
Having said all of that, I loved sports. We always were active as kids; my family had a yearly family get together where we played baseball and at Thanksgiving we played touch football etc. I did not start playing organized sports until I was 11 or 12 (little league) and some of those girls are still my friends to this day. After that I wanted to try everything, so I did tennis and volleyball (did not last), ski team and soccer (loved them!) Funny enough, the only time I ran was in PE class (1 mile) and I hated it! On the flip side, I was also good at Math, but we did not have an organized Math club or anything like that. I probably would have loved that too, had I had the choice!
Don't start me on sports and kids! Well, first, I definitely fell into your camp on the sports line. No talent for it -- always picked last for kickball, couldn't hit a softball or tennis ball to save my soul, slowest runner ever and terrible at gym. I loved and still love swimming but the rest? Nope. And I experienced the same feelings as you did or terrible self-esteem and that has stayed with me through life. You're right -- if they treated academic and arts things the way they do sports, school might be better for all.
As for sports in general in schools, I worry about kids being too programmed. Especially those with travel teams. I look at what kids are doing now and think "do you have any time to "kid"?" I think team sports teach valuable skills (as do other extracurricular activities like drama or working on joint projects of Scouts). But in certain sports (and I certainly saw this in basketball and football -- even at middle school level and definitely at high school) there was a lot of emphasis on winning and less on sportmanship (some of the parents didn't help either). And, at least in high school, they urged football players to bulk up -- and that's something Kevin has fought ever since, along with numerous injuries that will be with him for life because of football.
You are right to look at "are you having fun?" and later looking at what it is bringing them that other things aren't/can't/don't. I worry about that with our guys too.
I share your complicated feelings about sports. I was also unathletic, felt hideously self-conscious trying to do sports, and my husband was a really good hockey player. Our son seemed super uncoordinated early on - literally broke his femur trying to kick a soccer ball when he was two - and then turned out to be an amazing athlete, ultimately getting a scholarship to play baseball in the U.S. (we're Canadian). It seems a bit like some kind of cosmic joke.
My daughter did play sports when she was younger, and then gravitated to music and drama. She has terrible balance, and after she did skating, my husband signed her up for girls' hockey the next season. I ended up un-signing her - his intentions were good, but it was not going to work for her. I am all for kids trying sports if they want to and if it's fun, but I have no patience for anyone who thinks a child can't develop properly without them, or anyone who puts undue pressure on a kid to perform.
I was actually thinking about this emphasis on sports lately because we, like you, have activities on the mind and I was looking at sign ups for soccer and swimming and agility classes and at one point, I thought, "Why aren't I also looking into art classes? Or creative writing classes? My kids love to draw and create stories - why don't I nurture those too?" And in some way, I think it's indicative of what we are told to value - like sports and physical fitness is something to invest money in, but not creative pursuits? In some way, we think, "Oh they can draw and write on their own, but they need a coach or lessons to shoot a basketball."
No one says, "I'm putting my kid in drawing class because they can't draw and I think they should learn that" but they will say, "I want my kid to try soccer even though they might be terrible because team sports are important."
Maybe it's because I work in the arts, but I do sometimes think what a different place we would be if we sent our kids to music classes instead of soccer practice?
I was also unathletic as a kid- but the difference is, I WANTED to be good at sports. I really, really tried but was pretty bad at everything. I think that's why running is so fun for me- I finally discovered a sport I could do (and I discovered it pretty early on, in high school.) Unfortunately my kids are also unathletic, but they ALSO don't like running! I tried to get my son into it a couple times and he just hated it. My daughter won't even try. You're right, there's a huge emphasis put on sports nowadays. I think it did hurt my son't self esteem for a while, but then luckily he got involved in music and was able to excel in that. And also now luckily he's into weight training. My daughter... well I hate to say it but physically she's a little lazy! I've suggested different activities with no luck, so I can only hope she'll find something on her own.
I think what you're doing with your boys is perfect. Give them lots of options, let them find out what they're interested in, and always make sure they're enjoying it.
Being a parent is a lot harder now than it was in my parents' day!
I am with John and Kyria, I think playing sports teaches you life and social skills and it should be part of the curriculum.
You said that you feel there is too much emphasis on sports here in the US, but I feel like in Germany there is not enough emphasis... sport education has been eroded in schools over time and they've repeatedly lowered "standards"(as in, we have "Bundesjugendspiele" (federal youth games https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bundesjugendspiele) in Germany and just recently it was decided to get rid off the point system because kids' athletic abilities have gone down so much that they don't show up on the point lists anymore, so now it's merely a "participation certificate" and I think this is just wrong. Kids need to develop their motor and social skills and sports help do just that...
I feel like (at least in German schools) emphasis on math and languages was much higher and everyone was expected to participate in that. It's not like you could opt out of math or science classes, so why should kids be able to opt out of sports?
I do agree that kids should be able to try different things to see if there is something that they like/excel at, at the same time, "shaming" for not being good/the best at something should be discouraged by teachers and coaches.
I am not athletic AT ALL and in this sense, growing up poor worked out for me because we didn't have the money for sports nor did my parents have the time to shuffle us around to different activities. I did cheerleading for a year when I was in 4th grade, and it was SUCH a time commitment. Every single night M-Th and every Saturday! It was too much. Oh, and I did karate for a couple years because my grandma paid for it. I liked it, but was relieved to stop attending. I didn't really grow up with athletic kids around me, though, so it wasn't a big deal to not be involved in sports (in fact, it was kinda annoying when I was doing sports because I couldn't do things with my friends!)
Both of my nephews are involved in baseball, and my older nephew just found out he made the high school baseball team (!) so it has become their whole life now - shuffling them to games and practices. It is such a departure from how we grew up! My brother was athletic, but had trouble fitting in on teams so he struggled.
I think you have a really good plan when it comes to sports! I was forced to play softball when I was in elementary school and I hated it, hated it!!! I did end up playing in high school and I didn't mind it as much but once I took a fly ball to the face I was done! I did enjoy volleyball a lot! I've definitely become more active at this stage in my life but I enjoy the things that I do! I agree about being mindful of self esteem and we live in a different world today than when we were growing up. I think kids have more options and sometimes that is good and sometimes maybe not but I think y'all do a wonderful job of finding the right activities for your boys!!!
I think there are definitely some positives to trying - at least trying - team sports. I don't think you should make kids do something that makes them miserable - like Lindsay getting her daughter out of the toxic softball situation. But there is something to be said for working towards a goal (sometimes literally) WITH other people.
That said, nurture your children's interests. Maybe try a team sport for a season (or less, if they are miserable), but build that into activities that they love. Childhood should be a time of exploration and learning, not misery.
My husband and I both went to small schools and both played allll the sports. Not to say we were good. It's just what there was to do. I did student council and national honor society too but eh. Rural towns suck. We dont like soccer and selfishly never told Isla it was a sport until she found out in Kindergarten that people were on teams. Soccer is huge here and spending all day saturdays at the field sound like hell to us so we just dont promote it. Of course Adeline is like a ball kicking ace so that may bite us in the ass. I require them to take swim lessons because it was a life skill. Isla enjoyed them and took them through 5th grade but doesn't apparently want to join the swim team. Adeline hasnt started yet because they are renovating our community center and this summer they didn't offer week long lessons like they had in the past and once a week in the summer wasn't going to work. We also selfishly do not schedule kids activities on purpose on the weekends because no. So right now our only option is at night and that is not really prime time for a preschooler so she waits. However she is very comfortable around the water as we have a pool and we go to the lakes all the time. Isla plays softball on her own desire. Not the best but keeps at it. I don't really care what they do but I am NOT getting into travel sports unless something drastically changes.
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