Thursday, August 26, 2010

Where I'm At...

Most of you do not know this, but I was set up by a co-worker last month. I was less than excited about this date, but I know that in order to meet someone, I have to put myself out there.

So I did. I went on this date.

And surprisingly, I actually liked the guy. He was funny. He had a flirtatious smile. We had mutual friends and acquaintances. We both had family on neighboring lakes - which is pretty random. One after another, the coincidences kept adding up. As did the dates.

I already had a nickname picked out for him for the day when I would tell you all about him. The nickname was Flash because it sort relates to what he does for a living.

Little did I know, Flash would be the perfect nickname, but for a completely different reason; it was the perfect nickname because he was gone in the flash.

Once again, similar to my experience with the Dog Whisperer, I am left with very little explanation for his change of heart. At least this time I did get an email with a vague explanation this time; it was cryptic, but an explanation nonetheless.

But there are still unanswered questions. I know I just have to accept the fact that it will never make sense. It is not logical for a guy to go from saying "I miss you" in an email to inviting you to join him on a night out with friends to just disappearing, all in a span of days. My frustration with the situation is further increased by the fact that we had this whole conversation on our 2nd date about how he could tell that I had some walls up and how he hoped I'd let them down for him. I guess I never expected someone with the sensitivity to discuss walls and the vulnerability of dating to add a few more layers of bricks to those walls.

But I am letting it go. Does it hurt? Definitely. Am I disappointed that I've hit another dead end? Without a doubt. Did I give myself permission to wallow a bit and cry? You bet. Quite a bit, actually. I know our time together was brief, but it still hurts to see it come to an end as I was really excited about this guy.

But now - I am moving forward. I will not look back and re-play the great dates in my mind. I will not go back and re-read his emails. I can gain absolutely nothing from looking back at the chain of events through a microscope - clearly, he is not worthy of any more of my time, thoughts, tears, or emotions.

What I wonder about is this: I have been thinking lately about how doing things like training for a marathon sort of breaks your body down so it can be built back up and be even stronger as a result. But is the same true when it comes to the heart? Does the fact that I have had my heart broken over and over mean that it gets stronger? Does it increase my capacity to love? I guess I am wondering how many more times I can weather these disappointments and come out on the other side, still able to open my heart for another man.

I guess that question will remain unanswered for now. In the mean time, I am focusing on all of the wonderful things I have to look forward to in the next 6 months. Things like a mini-blogger reunion this weekend with some fabulous girls. Things like meeting up with Amber to run the Portland Marathon in October. Things like going to Paris for 8 days to celebrate my Birthday in February.

I will not pretend that I don't yearn to find my Mr. Right. As my friend Nora says, "The heart wants what the heart wants." But I think the best way to find him is to keep doing the things I love. To keep seeking out new experiences. To keep working on becoming the best version of myself.

It's not easy and there are definitely days where I feel like I will never find him. But I have no choice than to forge ahead.

And at least I am one more frog closer to my prince.

I'll close with a stanza of a song from Sarah McLachlan's newest album which really speaks to how I am feeling right now...

Oh I wanna learn,
I wanna know
Will our history crush us
or can we let it go?
I'm not the girl I was
but what have I become?
I'm not so willing anymore to bend
Still pleasing and conceding
But I'm not gonna lose myself again

~ Excerpt from Awakenings by Sarah McLachlan


Charbelle said...

Sometimes when we're in it it is really hard to understand the why, why he disappeared, why he was so there then so not. Then down the road, looking back, sometimes we're given the explanation, sometimes not but by then enough time has gone on that we don't really care.
He doesn't deserve more of your tears, or thoughts, but you're still allowed to feel.
We were made to love, the more love and compassion we show the more we have to give. Think about your very first nephew and how much you loved him, did you ever think that you would be able to love your next nephew as much as you loved that one? Yet the next one came along and your heart expanded even more.
With dating I know it's different, I know that it's hard. I know that we go through disappointments and hurt and it's really hard to not become bitter and jaded. But we choose how we let these experiences shape us, we choose if we're going to hold onto the bitterness or if we're going to let go of it. When we hold onto it, we keep ourselves from living life to the fullest.
I know that this has not been easy. I love that you're focusing on the positives of all the exciting things going on!! I also know that you were so true to yourself through the whole process and even though this frog ribbitted loudly I still believe that there is one and you just haven't met him yet!!

Lisa-Marie said...

I think that the heart breaks teach you a little each time about what you will not accept, and that in the end, hopefully, you find a person who is good for you, and who you know will not be the things you don't accept.

I say a person who is good for you because I don't believe there is ' the one'. I think you meet someone you love and respect and have a laugh with and decided that you can see yourself spending your life with that person, and if you work hard, it lasts a lifetime.

Kyla Roma said...

This is so hard, especially because you've been there giving it your all and having someone suddenly decide they don't want to step up to the plate is so disappointing and anticlimactic.

I don't know if there's a simple answer for how your heart is mending and learning from all of this- but if I know anything about you, it's that when someone in your life needs you, you're always going to step up. And when you meet the right person, one who really values you and wants to be there for you, I can't help but feel like you'll be there in a heartbeat :)

And in the mean time? Girls weekend! <3

Gracie (Complicated Day) said...

I've had a couple of heart-breaks, too. I don't know if they made me stronger, but they certainly made me see more clearly. When someone mistreats you and you get accustomed to it, it's hard at first to accept how truly nice others are. After a bad relationship (finally) disintegrated, I realized that the kindness of others was so much more obvious to me now. I resolved to appreciate it. Looking back now, I often am struck with a sense of how sweet my dear husband is. It keeps me from taking him for granted.
I'm sorry for your sadness.
Cheers to all the GOOD things happening for you soon...keep smiling :)

Becky said...

I'm so proud of you for looking at what HE'S missing because it's a helluva lot!

I think having your heart broken does make you stronger - but it's awhile until you can see the strength that's there instead of the hurt. You're going to find someone who doesn't just talk about hoping to break down your walls, you're going to find someone who is there waiting patiently while they slowly lower, waiting with open arms.

Lo said...

Wow, that is not fun at all. It sounds like he may have gotten scared from what you have written, but its hard to know if that's what it is and if it is something he could get past. When I jumped into the relationship I'm in, I jumped head first which scared him a bit. We had to slow down and just get to know each other before we could pick it up again. I know you said you wanted to move forward, so maybe with his email it will help you find closure. Don't worry overall, there is someone out there for you. Your heart will heal and your lobster will find you. When you find him you will be ready to let down walls and let him in, it will just be different.

Nora said...

He's an ass. Plain and simple, no matter the reason he had for ending it, he's a total ass.

He's missing out a fabulous, beautiful woman who happens to be one of my best friends (aka good thing I don't know him ;-) )

I often wonder if the heart grows stronger as well; like you I've endured many heartbreaks and heartaches and every single time I tell myself that the next time it will be easier and sadly, it isn't. At least for me. But I have to believe that it somehow is making me stronger, teaching me more about what I need and want, how to love, how to live. However, it doesn't make me any more excited to get back out there and have it happen to me all over again.

Another frog down! And like you said, one step closer to your prince =)

Jess said...

I really like what Grace said - that heartbreak may not necessarily make us stronger, but it does force us to see more clearly and realize that we deserve to be treated with respect.

I'm really sorry to hear that this happened and, quite simply, I wish it hadn't. I really, really do believe that all the frogs are just there to teach us what we want and don't want and to make it so worth it in the end when we find that prince. And, believe me, I was with the biggest frog OF ALL TIME and I still feel like I came out a better person in the end!!

Marlys said...

I loved reading all the comments and they were so kind! You have good support! I always say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but know this cliche is getting old! I think he treated you awful, and for that reason, I am glad he's gone in a flash! Guys these days sure seem afraid of committment! If they smell it coming, they vanish! Grrr! Did God answer your prayers this time - YES! He didn't want him in your life! Trust me!

Amber (Girl with the red hair) said...

I love you. You rock. Time will heal this and you WILL find him, I have no doubt. XO

B and B said...

To Flash: You lose.

Love you, Lisa!

pinkflipflops said...

well he's an idiot.

my bff is going through the same stuff.. so i will tell you what i tell her..

you just gotta do it. jump and let go and relax. the list of must haves or things you really want in a mate may need to bend. it's not settling it's realistic if you do want to have a mate.

i know my friend was leary of starting her newest relationship because partly she is so used to being independent and all of her comforts. but you gotta go.. kicking and screaming.

Leigh said...

Sorry to hear that you had such a crappy experience with Flash. Nothing can change what a guy does or why they do the things they do. Maybe by him doing this, was the worlds way of showing you that he wasn't the right one for you.

Without Flash, you can now move on (as hard as it is) and find Mr.Right for you! Don't stop being yourself and doing the things you love to do!

Abby said...

I agree with Barb - Flash, you lose! A huge loss at that. And good for you to just focus on the good things in life right now. You have so many wonderful things going on - and no weirdo is going to get in the way of that!

You will some day be able to love something with your whole heart - and when you do, it will be the right person.

It breaks my heart that you had to go through this. You don't deserve it. And he doesn't deserve your time & tears.

Love you Lisa!!

Anonymous said...

i am in the exact same boat as you, right now in my life. it's difficult. but if i don't move forward i'll be stuck here in time. i just can't allow this to happen.

love your blog. so happy to follow!

Andy B said...

Dotz - you'll never understand how high you can be without seeing the bottom first. It sucks right now, but having been there myself, it will all be worth it. Hang in there!

Emily Jane said...

Love, it made me so happy to read "he is not worthy of any more of my time, thoughts, tears, or emotions." I think that sometimes we do have to go through heartbreak AND heart-joy in order to fully recognise what's right when it comes around - by going through the good things, we learn how to love, by going through the bad, we learn what we're really worth - and I think you just have to have faith and learn as much as you can from the experiences along the way to Mr. Right :)

Nilsa @ SoMi Speaks said...

What a bummer, Lisa. You know, I think we humans mostly don't want to hurt other humans, so we find it easier to be vague and pull disappearing acts than we do telling our own truth.

That said, I'm not sure if with each heartbreak, your heart grows stronger. What I will tell you is it's definitely worth pushing forward. Because when you do finally meet the one who captures your heart for good? You'll look back at every heartbreak knowing they helped you become a person who is capable of loving and being loved.

crystal said...

Im sorry, its always the worst when it ends all vague and cryptic!

In answer to your question though, I believe that the heartbreaks that we go through do make us stronger. Not in a, "Im stronger so now I can go through anything" sort of way though. I believe that its more like, you have been though pain so now you know how to bring yourself through it. But also, you know yourself better for it. So, now you know that you can't have this quality or that quality from someone in a relationship because you have a better understanding of yourself within a relationship.

Through all of my heartaches I've told myself that I come out with a much stronger understanding of what I need in a relationship and that knowledge will make me so much stronger in the next one....therefore making it that much better!!

J said...

So sorry to hear about this Lisa. No one knows why some people are like that but you are a wonderful person who deserves the best! Hope you can continue to be positive!!

Fragrant Liar said...

I think boys are way more fickle than girls. Since you didn't really know this guy, you couldn't know what else was going on in his life that may have influenced his decision to move on. You're right. You'll never know, never understand. But I'm betting your Mr. Right is out there, and when you least expect to find him, I think he will show. I am looking for my Mr. Right too (not my first . . .), and I know he's out there. Never lose hope.

Jolene - EverydayFoodie said...

I am sorry to hear about this, and how unexpected it was - some guys are really hard to understand.

I definitely think that heartbreak makes us stronger. Hang in there!

Stephany said...

Blegh, so sorry to hear about this. I do think that putting yourself out there and getting your heart broken does make you a stronger person. It doesn't make the heart hurt any less, but it does bring about strength.

I'm scared to get my feet wet in the dating scene. I have some major walls up and I can be extremely guarded around people. It's definitely going to take a pretty special guy to bear with me, as I learn to trust him and give him my heart.

Hang in there! I think you're awesome and I've only been reading your blog for a month or two! :)

Anonymous said...

Rejection is God's protection.

Sassy Molassy said...

Ugh, that sucks. I'm glad he emailed though. A little less pathetic than just falling off the face of the planet with no word. Hang in there. And just remember that someone is going to come along who loves seeing how happy you are alone and living your life and will want to be part of it. It's attractive seeing others living it up despite the fact that they haven't found the one. Bc eventually, you will and it will only make life that much better.