I recently read "Text Me When You Get Home" which is all about the evolution of female friendships. It looks at the history of female friendships and examines why they weren't an area of focus for older generations. That examination rang true for me as I would say that my mom (hi, mom!) did not focus on female friendships - outside of her sisters. This comment is not a knock against my mom - I think it's common for women of her time. She was married in her early 20s, raised 5 kids, ran/still runs a business with my dad, and was very active in their church and the community. There wasn't a lot of time for her to develop friendships, nor did she really have a big pool of women to choose from since she lives in a rural area. That's not to say she didn't/doesn't have friends. I just wouldn't say they were an area of focus for her. My dad is her best friend. Her siblings and cousins were her best friends when she was growing up, and her siblings, especially her sisters, continue to be her best friends.
For me, female friendships are a very essential and life-giving part of my life. But that hasn't always been the case. Female friendships - or the lack thereof - have the potential bring pain or joy. I've experienced both ends of the spectrum.
In elementary/junior high/high school, I definitely resided on the painful end of the female friendship spectrum. I grew up in a very small community and as a result, the selection of girls to be friends with was very, very small. I mean, my graduating class had 28 people! Reading the "Mean Girls" chapter of "Text Me When You Get Home" brought back a lot of (painful) memories of how out of place I felt during my pre-collegiate school years. I had friends but the quality of the friendships was not great. I have a very vivid memory of playing Upwords with my grandma in her kitchen when I was probably in my tweens, explaining some of the challenges of my friendship with a girl I considered to be my best friend. After explaining what was going on, my grandma told me that it sounded like this girl was a "fair weather" friend and that I was worthy of a much more. The friendships I had in elementary/middle school/high school were all pretty much "fair weather" friends.
During those rough middle/high school years, a friendship with a cousin who is 11 months younger than me was my saving grace, as were friendships I developed through my high school boyfriend. My high school boyfriend lived about an hour away but it was like he lived in a whole other world because things like academic achievement and musical abilities were valued. At my high school, the only things that were truly valued among the student body was your athletic abilities or breaking the rules by smoking/drinking/partying on the weekend. At my boyfriend's school, it was refreshing to see that you could be valued for being athletic, but also for things like musical talent. In fact, some of their best athletes were also in band and/or show choir. And while I am sure some kids in his school smoke and drank, that was not the case with my boyfriend and his group of friends.
My parents witnessed some of the, well, cruelty, I experienced during my junior and high school years and my mom assured me that once I went to college, I'd meet life-long friends who would love me for who I am. Luckily, she was right (aren't moms always right? I can say that now that I'm a mom - ha!). I really blossomed during my college years and quickly met girls that I am still close to 15-20 years later. It was very reassuring to quickly discover that it was actually kind of "cool" to be smart and like academics. No one cared that I wasn't athletic - it was no longer a point of emphasis.
I think I've covered enough ground for one post - in my next post I'll talk about the importance of friendships and how the way I form friendships has changed with time.
Did you have a best friend(s) when you were young or did it take you awhile to find your tribe?
11 comments:
I had a best friend growing up. She lived down the road and we met when we were 3. We were great friends growing up. We aren't really friends anymore because of distance and a few other issues, but besides that I could go the rest of my life without talking to people I grew up with. Small towns suck. Signed, me always and forever. :)
This is a particularly interesting topic to me. I did have a childhood best friend, now he's a complete psychopath so we're not close anymore. But my brother married his sister so I still keep up with his mental conditions.
When those concepts of social norms and friendship interactions were forming for me I found the painful side of the spectrum with other guys. But I got the other side of the spectrum with girls. So I learned how to be friends with girls and eventually that did develop into a comfort level entering into romantic pursuits. And still today, after 23 years with my wife, there are no new romantic pursuits, and about 90% of my friends are female. I never let that part of my social structure develop to learn how to make guy friends. But I'm totally comfortable being the girlfriend with other women.
I think I've had "best friends" forever. I'm still besties with my first friend -- she moved away from next door when I was five and she was four but first through our moms and then independently we have remained close, despite distance. And friends in grade, junior and high school. And beyond. I really treasure my female friends because they "get" me in a way that even Rick doesn't. But I also grew up as an only child so I really treasure and am extremely comfortable with alone time. It's why I can go to the cottage by myself all summer and just see Rick weekends or vacation or take trips alone.
I have friends from different seasons. Patrice and I were in the baby nursery together and for the first 11 years of school (that's 3 and 4 year old preschool included). We also went to the same college but as it goes when you've been friends for that long you have seasons where you don't always see eye to eye. I almost wasn't in her wedding and that is completely on me because I was dealing with major insecurity and a few other things at the time that she got married. Margs and I met when we were 7 and became pen pals. We also ended up at App together. We also had a season where we were not speaking but we got over that pretty quickly. Paula and were in high school together. We were not as close in high school as our friendship developed after we were out of school. We didn't speak for the duration of my first marriage but we've moved past that. She and I have both grown a lot over the years on our own personally and I have tremendous respect for her now. Tiff was my college roommate, again another season where we didn't speak but we got past it. Margaret and I have been friends since I lived in her apartment when I was finishing up my last class for college to graduate. Nicole and I met when I was leaving the receptionist job at the staffing agency and she was my replacement. I have another friend Lyndsey who I grew up with, and while we drifted from each other I still love her very much! Then I've met you through blogging and Jess through blogging. I also have other friends who I make time for to go out to grab dinner and catch up who I love. I'm often overbooked and overscheduled but I try very hard to be there for the people I love and my friends are priceless treasures to me!
This book sounds so interesting and I will definitely have to check it out! I do have my one best friend, Michele, who is more like a sister to me than anything as honestly we are SO different in adulthood that I'm not sure we would become friends with each other in adulthood. However, we have known each other so long and know each others families so well that I really do describe her as more of a sister. She is really the only person I am still friends with / in touch with from my elementary / middle school years other than people I am friends with on Facebook. Actually, the friends I talk to the most regularly are mostly ones I've met online - like you! I've always had quite a few girlfriends but one thing I never had that I used to kind of wish I had was a big group of friends where we are all friends with each other. I feel like my friendships have always been kind of broken up and from different parts of my life. There was a core group of us that spent a lot of time together in college, but now I'm only regularly in touch with one of them still. I have also made some really amazing lifelong friends through work, especially when I worked at United Way.
Anyways, excited to read more of your thoughts on this book and I will definitely check it out. Especially now that I am raising a daughter. I am not going to lie, I am really not looking forward to some of the complexities and drama of those teenage years...
To this day, my best friends are my college friends who I lived with, worked with, and we bonded very closely. Luckily, we make a point to get together at least once a year, and are planning our 50th class reunion at the end of June. Some live all over the country now, but when they return "home" they always make contact and we gather the ones who love close and spend time together. When we do, we just pick up where we left off, as though we just saw each other a week ago! I cherish these people!
I don't have close friends here, but like you say, I work at least 40 hours a week, and keeping up with housework takes up my evenings, but I do have a prayer group I meet with one evening a week whom I'm very close with. We read spiritual books and discuss them and also spend lots of time just sharing our thoughts & feelings which is so good for me, as I don't have people in town who I can do that with. And my very best friend is your Dad, who I love to spend time with!
I never really had a dedicated best friend growing up. I moved around a lot but I'd usually find a few friends in my class and we'd be thick as thieves for the year, and then we'd move on and I'd find a new group of friends. I had a tribe of best friends in middle school but we all moved on to different high schools and didn't stay in contact. I also had a great group of best friends in high school but again, once college rolled around and we weren't all at the same place anymore, we didn't really keep in touch. I didn't really develop friends in college, though. I kept mostly to myself. It wasn't until I joined a book club that I found my true tribe of best friends in adulthood. But now things are changing and shifting with that group, so who knows where I'll be with friendship in another few years!
I'm glad you loved Text Me When You Get Home. I found it to be such a fascinating read!
I wish people were more honest about what a short time middle/high school is. I think in small towns it gets blown out of proportion. My friendships have lasted plenty of years, but I don't have a friend that I talk to or text super regularly. I wish I did, but it just hasn't quite worked out that way.
I think my sister was my best friend growing up - that happened naturally because we were the same age and she's always been my protector (as I was a very shy child).
I have two best friends that I've known from elementary school (although I probably didn't know at the time that they'd be best, life-long friends)... I also made some very close friendships in my teens and twenties.
I also found my best friends when I was in college. I have a few good friends from high school but nothing like my college friends. College is just so much bigger, it is hard to feel alone because there are so many options! I loved my undergrad years so much.
I had female friends growing up, but in high school most of them turned into fair weather friends, and I experienced a lot of heartbreak. As a teen and adult, I haven't really had a best female friend, as I've been hurt by so many female friends, that I now find it a bit difficult to be vulnerable and trusting of females in my life. I've experienced way more heartbreak in my life from female friends, than I ever have from males. Currently I have a large group of friends, females, and males, but none are close enough to be considered a best friend.
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