Guest Post: On Living Alone

Greetings and happy almost-Friday!  I'm got back from New Mexico last night. Err, actually this a.m as my flight was delayed due to weather so I landed around 1:45 am... To say I am exhausted and behind on life is an understatement...  but luckily Stephany from Stephany Writes is here with a guest post about an adventure she'll be embarking on in the future - living alone.  As someone who has lived alone for 9+ years, I can understand her apprehension but am excited for this next phase of her life.  I hope she ends up loving living alone as much as I do!

There are a lot of things I wished for myself when I was younger and I can't say I ever imagined the trajectory my life has taken over the past few years. I never imagined I would go to school for journalism and wind up in an analytical, marketing position. I never imagined I would continue to struggle with my weight and that I would sever my relationship with my father. Mostly, though, I never imagined I would be 25 and still living with my mother. 

There are many, many ways that I do feel like an adult - grown-up job, my own bills, my own car, etc. But then there's telling people that yes, I do live with my mom and it feels like I've stunted myself.

I love living with my mom. It's been me + her for the past 8 years so we understand one another's quirks and idiosyncrasies. She's my best friend so we get along, have the same interests, and generally enjoy each other's company. I lived at home when I went to college which helped me save money and pay for expenses any scholarships or loans didn't pay for. And then when I graduated from college and accepted my current position, it was just never something I wanted to do. I enjoyed living with my mom and if I did move out, I would have to get a roommate or two so it made more sense to me to just continue living with her and helping out with the bills.

A lot of people don't understand why someone in their mid-twenties would still want to live with their parent. We don't have the typical mother-daughter relationship. She's more like my best friend and my sister than a parent to me. Don't get my wrong - she's my mother first and she'll always be the one to tell me when I need an attitude check, but we are super close so when people remark how they would never, ever want to live with their parents, it just makes me grateful to have a relationship with my mom where living with her is a blessing, not a curse.

All this said, yes, I do plan on moving out soon. There are a lot of logistics involved since I can't leave when I want to, as my name is on our apartment lease and I wouldn't saddle her with the extra expenses of a two-bedroom apartment with no help from me. 

I can't deny it's a little scary, thinking of moving out and living on my own. Everything would be on my own shoulders for the first time and all the expenses would be mine alone. I would be the one setting up the electric and the cable and the Internet. I would be the one calling the maintenance department if something breaks. And I know I would get lonely, especially at the beginning as I adjust to being on my own.

But then I think about all the great things that come with living by myself. I've had so many people tell me how much they wish they could have experienced living alone when they were younger, or how awesome living alone was/is. I get to decorate my new place to my liking. I get to be alone if I want to be alone, social when I want to be social. I get a place that is mine alone, where I can engage in fun quirky "secret single behavior." And I get to feel that sense of independence and rightness that comes with moving out and being responsible for maintaining my own apartment. 

The truth is, it excites me more than it scares me. And it scared me for a long time. I felt like I was missing this inherent independent trait that everyone else around me had, and that I was destined to be that kid who never moved out of her parent's house. It wasn't about checking off a "rite of passage" at a certain moment that society deems the right time, but it was about taking my time and doing it when it felt right and good for me. 

Moral of the story here is that we have our own stories to tell. There is no reason for you to do something if you don't feel ready for it yet. Right now, you are building up to getting there. Your timeline is yours alone and nobody can tell you when the right moment is. All you can do is trust the process, be true to yourself, and ask for help if you need it.

So while it may have taken me longer than most to get to a point where I am comfortable with the idea of living on my own, I'm here. I'm ready. It's happening.

Do you or have you lived alone?  If so, did you like it or did you find it challenging?  Like I said, I have lived alone for over 9 years, and as an introvert who needs her quiet time, I actually really enjoy it.

The State of My Single Union

As I mentioned in my recap post earlier this week, I read the book “Single State of the Union” last month.  It’s a collection of essays written by single women - they focus on various aspects of their life:  careers, child rearing, living alone, traveling, etc.  It was nice to read the thoughts/reflections of women whose lives more closely mirror mine.  Living in the Midwest where people tend to marry in their 20s (like my siblings and all of my college friends have) I don't have a lot of people in my life who have similar lifestyles or have been in my shoes.  I am not complaining, it is just a fact of life that most of the people that surround me have found their life partners - and I am so happy that they have!

When reading that book, I couldn’t help but think what I would say in an essay about my single life.  Right now, I can honestly say I am really happy with my life as it is.  I have a wonderful family, a great group of friends, a rewarding career, and a home that I adore.  I’ve pursued/am pursuing difficult endeavors, such as getting my MBA and working towards obtaining the CFA designation.  I’ve discovered the hobby of running, ran marathons and half marathons, and have met wonderful friends as a result.  I’ve had great adventures – trips to Paris, trips to British Columbia to meet up with other runners, trips to other cities to visit friends.

My goal in my late 20s was to get to a point where I was happy with the state of my life and didn’t feel like it was missing anything – I spent so much of my 20s waiting to meet someone so I could feel that sense of ‘completeness’.   Well, I’ve left that mindset behind, and I no longer yearn for someone to complete me – instead I hope to meet someone who will compliment my personality.  But that’s a topic for a whole other post.

So bottom line – yes I am happy on my own, and I could continue to live this life I am living and be happy.  But I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t be disappointed if I never get married – because I would.  I’d like to share my life with someone and have the opportunity to have children, but if it doesn’t happen for me, I know I'll be ok.  Actually, I'll be more than ok - I'll still be happy.

Sometimes, though, I wonder if I was built for solitude.  Most of my interests are solitary pursuits (running, reading, knitting).  I feel comfortable living alone, traveling alone, eating alone, running alone. But there are still moments when I yearn for companionship - someone who will seek out great adventures and share in the inevitable burdens of life.  But at the same time, the thought of meeting someone almost exhausts me – and scares me.  I feel like I keep dating the same person, over and over again.  He has a different name and a different story, but the ending seems to be on repeat.  And while I try to hold onto hope that I might experience a different ending some day, after 16+ years of dating, it gets increasingly harder to believe that. And I begin to wonder if maybe I'm meant to be alone.

Of course, all of this pondering feels like a rhetorical question right now as my life is so not conducive to dating right now...  But it will be soon and I wonder if my attitude towards dating will shift or if this ambivalence towards dating will stick around.

So this is the state of my single union.  Happy. And trying really hard to remain hopeful.  I know that regardless of whether I ever meet someone, my life will be full of great adventures – and it will be full of love.

I'll close with the chorus of John Mayer's song, "Heart of Life", which perfectly sums up how I feel.

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Living Alone

Last week, the New York Times published an article entitled, "One is the Quirkiest Number:  The Freedoms, and Perils, of Living Alone."  I first saw it when Amy posted the article on facebook.  Her comment about the article intrigued me, so I decided to read it.

It's a fairly quick read so I recommend clicking over if you have 3-5 minutes.  My synopsis of the article is that people who live alone are basically social pariahs.  We talk to our pets, eat weird meals, forget to close the bathroom door, and might forget to put on a skirt when leaving the house. 

I'm disappointed that the NYT chose just a poor representation of those who live alone.  Do I have my quirks?  You bet.  But does that have anything to do with the fact that I live alone?  Not one bit.  

My point is - we are who we are.  And if you aren't yourself around your spouse, that is not a sustainable relationship, in my opinion.  Granted, I know I will have to make concessions/compromises when/if i get married.  But for the most, what you see is what you get.  

I will always value these years that I have spent living alone.  It's made me more independent, more self-sufficient, and more aware of who I am - quirks and all.  Most importantly, it's made me a pickier dater - in a good way.  I know I can do it all on my own - and be very happy.  Before I lived alone, I think I felt more of a sense of desperation about finding a husband, because living alone kind of scared me.  Living alone no longer scares me and I know that whether or not my life includes a husband and marriage, I can and will be happy.

Have you read this article?  What was your reaction?  Do you think living alone breeds quirky behavior?